FoundMyStrength Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 He then told me his W is pregnant and then literally in next breath asked me to reconsider ending it and said ideally he wants us to continue to 'be together' for many years to come because he is in love with me, needs me, etc...no thank you! Ack, it sounds like you're already well on your way out of this, but keep on running from this man. As others have said, this man sounds like a classic cake-eater. He wants the wife and children, and a mistress on the side. My xMM said a similar thing, that he wanted to always have me in his life in some way, and I declined the offer. We are worth more than leftovers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted February 9, 2017 Author Share Posted February 9, 2017 Yes, it is definitely a case of cake and eating it. I agree, I do not want to be second choice, it's even more imperative I don't let this continue because I am a mother and as my DD grows older and is aware of things it's important that I'm a strong role model with clear boundaries. I have come to realise the MM just cares just about himself. He clearly doesn't respect me or W. I find it just horrible what he was prepared and wants to do to his W and that he wanted me to be complicit in it. In his mind it's all OK because she has no idea. How someone in his position (pregnant W) can not feel massive guilt (and that be what stops them acting on their feelings) I don't know but I suppose it comes back to just being solely concerned with what benefits him. He keeps telling me he loves me and I've changed how he looks at everything in his life. I know that's probably just pushing buttons - even if he believes himself when he says those things they just can't be true IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 He keeps telling me he loves me and I've changed how he looks at everything in his life. I guess that IS true. Now he knows he can be married and still have "extra" on the side... Link to post Share on other sites
Jemima1234 Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 He can't have that bad a marriage if he managed to get his wife pregnant!!! That would have been nail in coffin when I was having affair 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 I find it just horrible what he was prepared and wants to do to his W and that he wanted me to be complicit in it. In his mind it's all OK because she has no idea. Well...it's also that you chose to be complicit in it - you knew the entire situation right from the get-go; so, there must have been some point in your own mind at which it must also have been OK because she had no idea. At the time it started, he and you, both, were seeking to fulfill some emotional/psychological voids and needs that existed then - and, he and you, both, made choices for yourselves that did not take into account his wife. (He was not alone in this; he wasn't operating in a 'vacuum', without your help and cooperation.) The thing is that you are no longer experiencing the same level of intensity of those 'voids and needs'; and, thus, all of this will become less and less satisfying for you. For him, he is going to say and do what he can to maintain the status quo - because it is still serving to fill his 'voids and needs' to the same levels as at the start. (At least, he has not yet perceived the changes and growth in you; where your heaviest grief is lifting and you are starting to look for your and your daughter's better and brighter future, including a relationship with all the potential to be stable, out-in-the-open, loving and completely mutually supportive.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted February 9, 2017 Author Share Posted February 9, 2017 Yes, it certainly is the final nail. True - I have been complicit but now knowing he can continue to betray his W when she's now pregnant is just shocking for me. She clearly trusts him implicitly (although she does call a lot when he's been with me in the past so maybe she's got an inkling he wasn't down the gym!) or has decided she'll just put up with it for her own reasons. None of my business I know. I imagine he'll go on and have other affairs. It recently came to light he has once before in the past (before me), again shouldn't be surprised really. I hope he doesn't and that he changes his spots. I also hope what has happened between us stays buried forever and never comes to light. I sincerely hope there isn't always a D-day (which I think means discovery of A). Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 I have no doubt he will find another woman, if it is not you... This man doesn't seem to have any moral compass or show any remorse for his behavior. Your ability to see him for the selfish user that he really is should help you to walk away... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 At least you came to realise it was enough before it all blew up. I can see you have some empathy for his wide, which is usually lacking in OWs from my observation. You feel the guilt and he doesn't. You've also looked deeper and want to be a good role model for your DD, which is great. It tends to be more about how the OW is feeling hurt and the feelings of sympathy, are usually after dday, when the OW is thrown under the bus and comes in the form of "she can have the lying cheat, I feel sorry for her" Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 If you can find a way to contact her, tell the wife. Who knows what his next OW might have. The health of a pregnant woman and unborn child are at risk. She needs to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Share Posted February 11, 2017 At least you came to realise it was enough before it all blew up. I can see you have some empathy for his wide, which is usually lacking in OWs from my observation. You feel the guilt and he doesn't. You've also looked deeper and want to be a good role model for your DD, which is great. It tends to be more about how the OW is feeling hurt and the feelings of sympathy, are usually after dday, when the OW is thrown under the bus and comes in the form of "she can have the lying cheat, I feel sorry for her" Sandylee1 - thanks for the positive words, I have definitely had an awakening. Plus it is so clear to me now that I am picked up and put down when it suits. For example, xMM has gone on a holiday on his own and hasn't tried to contact me once - which I am happy about and works in my favour but is clear to me that out of sight out of mind and actions speak louder. If he's fallen in love as deeply as he professes then I'm pretty sure he'd have sent a text. It's almost comical how transparent the fibs are and how silly I've been to believe up to now. What do you mean re. sympathy and OW? In your experience does the W feel "she can have the cheater the poor OW"? I can't imagine any betrayed spouse feeling any sympathy for who they perceive is solely responsible for their pain. That brings me onto the next point - I feel very uncomfortable inflicting more pain on the W especially in her condition by revealing true colours. I also feel that having been in an LTR with him she will know what's going on and has chosen to accept it. Obviously I don't know this for sure but it's my instinct given his history...or maybe he is an incredibly good liar and she completely trusts him. Either way I feel that it's not right to drop a bomb on her life given her condition and effect it could have on his DD... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted February 11, 2017 Author Share Posted February 11, 2017 Sandylee1 - I think I understand the sympathy point...the OW feels sorry for herself because she's been cut off and dropped instantly (even though I'm sure in my case xMM would come back) and she realises how she's been duped and feels sorry for W who is stuck with him and knowledge spots don't change? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted February 13, 2017 Author Share Posted February 13, 2017 I had asked him again to delete all messages from me / etc. He said he keeps them. I called him out on that because it seems totally crazy and a lie as others have pointed out here. But he then forwarded past messages to me...he has them and on his main phone just sitting in his messages. It's not protected and his W sometimes has his phone. I still think it's suspect even with the evidence. I don't understand the risk being taken here at all. I'm worried about it all coming out and the implications for us all - mainly the children. I know, little late to worry about it all and shouldn't have done it in first place but that being said I still want it to go away now it's over and to stay buried but I don't feel I have any control over it. Worried. Any advice from people who've been in this situation or can emphasise with it? I think the answer will be it's out of my hands and keep fingers crossed. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 If you can find a way to contact her, tell the wife. Who knows what his next OW might have. The health of a pregnant woman and unborn child are at risk. She needs to know. I'm one of those who firmly believes that the bs deserves to know. This has been discussed here many times & it's divisive. I just know, as a woman & as a bs I WOULD want to know the truth. I've NEVER known a bs say "I'd rather live in the dark!". Given his character do you think it's very likely that he's having one-night-stands whilst on holiday on his own? He could be catching an STD TONIGHT & returning home to infect his wife AND baby! If they have ever had a d-day (have they?) he has probably acted like most adulterous MM & sworn-blind that he will NEVER hurt her again. They can be very convincing! If she is "turning a blind eye" she wouldn't be getting worried & phoning a lot when he's with you. I do understand the reasons OW give for not telling (it's your life) but please don't use justifications like 'she must be aware of his cheating' & decides to stay for her own reasons. VERY, very, very few women do this! Can you imagine being a pregnant wife & "turning a blind eye" to such danger? REALLY? Ugh! Cheating on a pregnant woman is so incredibly low 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted February 13, 2017 Author Share Posted February 13, 2017 I'm not sure if there's ever been a d-day. I understand your sentiments as a BS and I am sorry you've felt that pain. I don't have a way of contacting her that wouldn't be intercepted by him plus as I've said I think given the circumstances I can't and I think it's best for it to be buried and left alone - all I can do is walk away and stop my part in it all. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 I am truly sorry for you and your daughters loss. Were you pregnant with her when you lost her father? Do you feel like you were vulnerable when MM hooked up with you? You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and understand that MM compartmentalizes his life. He takes you out of his box when he is ready for you and puts you back in when he is done. I get that its not about meeting his daughter but trying to understand how he can both respect and disrespect his wife at the same time. He could be a serial cheater and know that his wife would kill him or he could have common sense. He isn't going to mix up his boxes. Grief can be very debilitating. Even if you didn't have the greatest relationship with your daughters father, you still have all the stressors like being a single mom. You have to walk through the pain to heal. Numbing it only prolongs it. This relationship with MM is self destructing. You can have a no strings relationship with a single man. At least, he might have a shred of integrity. MM is disgusting. Don't give him the pleasure to think he is something. Ghost him like yesterday. Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and understand that MM compartmentalizes his life. He takes you out of his box when he is ready for you and puts you back in when he is done. Number one activity of the MM: compartmentalization. Agree with awkward, the reason his daughter is off-limits is that she is in the family box (as she should be). You are NOT in the family box. You are in the mistress box. A very different box, indeed. With very rare exception (and there a few OW on this site that qualify), OW's don't ever make the leap from the mistress box to the family box. Although oftentimes, we get asked to repeatedly downgrade to the "friends" box, which is even smaller with less creature comforts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AutumnMoon Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 I'm in the family box and it's not always good .. you do not get a break. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 Yes, lost him when I was pregnant. The xMM, I think, keeps all the messages because it's an ego boost for him to read them and he's confident he won't be found out for some reason. I have no idea what that reason is and it doesn't matter either. Although I don't really respect him and can see him for what he is - a user - I still have moments when I feel like I want to reach out. I distract myself until the moment passes or remind myself of all the horrible things he has said to me i.e. "I love you the same as I do her...I just can't choose you because of were I'm at...I want to have everything I have with her with you but I know I can't...I need you and want this to go deeper and last for a very long time (this was after he told me W was pregnant btw)"...when I remember those lines I feel angry with myself and like a silly little girl, not a woman with a very precious DD. It is hard to break out of the cycle but the only one in control here is me. I've "broken up" with him countless times before but this time I feel like I've changed. I know it's been an emotional crutch and as I feel stronger I feel able to envisage a future without all of this emotional rollercoaster highs and lows, which is massively unhealthy I know. I just to be a stable and happy parent. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 Total NC is the way forward for you. If my husband had an affair and had our children meet her, he would seriously regret the day he was born or regret the day he made the decision to step out of the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 Agree on the NC. He will keep trying to reel me back in with all the button pushing talk. @Sandylee1 it's not that I want to meet his child, it was all wrapped up in what @awkward insightfully said i.e. understanding the warped moral code he seems to have. OK to cheat on pregnant W but not OK to introduce his child because feels too guilty on his W. Those two concepts are completely paradoxical in my mind. I should add that I too strongly agree that children are the absolute priority and should be protected from anything that isn't stable and secure, which is why my child is surrounded by loving adults who are a constant in her life and who would never knowingly or by their own selfish actions hurt her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 Thanks for the advice - my daughter's father is sadly no longer with us so I can't check in with him! It's impossible. My child is still a baby and has only met MM once briefly, she has no idea who he is or what his connection to me is. There is no risk to her whatsoever - she is protected and comes first. Objectively I can see why it wouldn't be fair or right but neither is having an affair when you are newly married and have children so my question wasn't asking whether it was right to bar me from meeting his child (I know it is) but rather how can an MM have such varying moral standards? How can he willingly betray his wife over and over but then claim to be respectful of her feelings? There is a massive disconnect there surely? Perhaps this is different but he also sends pictures etc of his family life and speaks about his child all of the time. Like most people who have affairs, his morals are conveniently tailored to fit his situation. He's a hypocrite. Maybe he sends pictures to let you know that you are someone to hide rather than a part of his life that he isn't ashamed of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 @Sandylee1 it's not that I want to meet his child, it was all wrapped up in what @awkward insightfully said i.e. understanding the warped moral code he seems to have. OK to cheat on pregnant W but not OK to introduce his child because feels too guilty on his W. Those two concepts are completely paradoxical in my mind. It's introducing another person that adds to the unwanted risk. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 I should add that I too strongly agree that children are the absolute priority and should be protected from anything that isn't stable and secure, which is why my child is surrounded by loving adults who are a constant in her life and who would never knowingly or by their own selfish actions hurt her. I am not tying to be mean, I really am not. I feel for you. But can't you see that being involved with a married man YOU were "knowingly or by your own selfish actions" putting your child in position to be hurt? Doesn't matter that she's very young or that you didnt bring MM around....children are not immune to the affects of their parents relationships. Be happy you got out when you did and examine your own morality too. You should be a shining example to your child from this moment forward. Be thankful you were blessed that this happened when your daughter was too young to know what's going on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 Like most people who have affairs, his morals are conveniently tailored to fit his situation. He's a hypocrite. This. In having an affair, he's already shown you his ability to warp his morals and values to fit the situation. He thinks its "okay" to be with you, emotionally or physically, then return home to sleep and cuddle with his pregnant wife. Likely, he has some rationalization for it all. My xMM's rationalization was love. Our love was unintended (neither of us was looking for or expecting an emotional affair), thus "pure". All that we did after sharing our feelings was justified by this "pure" love. Who knows what your xMM's rationalization is, but whatever it is allows him to justify cheating on a pregnant wife but stop short of messing with his children. Affairs inherently involve a warped value scheme. It's the only way to resolve the cognitive dissonance of liking the affair but knowing it's wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Serendipity55 Posted February 17, 2017 Author Share Posted February 17, 2017 It's all happening as many people predict on this board...because it seems all MM are the same. He messaged "sure we did right thing? How are you feeling?" [i.e. ending A and I ended it, not 'we']. I replied definitively. He then said "you know you mean so much to me...anyway have a good evening". Is that a classic move? Link to post Share on other sites
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