MM and children

[Serendipity55]

Thanks for the replies. I am so sorry to read the painful stories and admire the strength displayed here. Hearing from the BS' point of view is a salient reminder of the damage done to the innocent party and being part of that sort of hurt is definitely not what I want to be.

 

He sent an email tonight "do you still love me? I really do love you".

 

I think it's unfair to ask me that.

[BaileyB]

Thanks for the replies. I am so sorry to read the painful stories and admire the strength displayed here. Hearing from the BS' point of view is a salient reminder of the damage done to the innocent party and being part of that sort of hurt is definitely not what I want to be.

 

He sent an email tonight "do you still love me? I really do love you".

 

I think it's unfair to ask me that.

 

It is unfair. Definitely.

 

Stay strong - and block his emails. Nothing good can come from this.

 

Can you imagine, if you were expecting a child, and your husband was emailing another woman, telling her that he loved her.

 

Nothing good can come from this.

Edited February 23, 2017 by BaileyB

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thanks for the replies. I am so sorry to read the painful stories and admire the strength displayed here. Hearing from the BS' point of view is a salient reminder of the damage done to the innocent party and being part of that sort of hurt is definitely not what I want to be.

 

He sent an email tonight "do you still love me? I really do love you".

 

I think it's unfair to ask me that.

 

He is a destructive man who is leaving a wake of pain and brokenness behind him. Do you want to encourage this behavior and do the same thing or do you want to get out? You really need to start seeing this and him for what it is.

[sandylee1]

Thanks for the replies. I am so sorry to read the painful stories and admire the strength displayed here. Hearing from the BS' point of view is a salient reminder of the damage done to the innocent party and being part of that sort of hurt is definitely not what I want to be.

 

He sent an email tonight "do you still love me? I really do love you".

 

I think it's unfair to ask me that.

 

Somewhere in there, you like hearing from him. It's giving you a boost.

[BTDT2012]

Thanks for the replies. I am so sorry to read the painful stories and admire the strength displayed here. Hearing from the BS' point of view is a salient reminder of the damage done to the innocent party and being part of that sort of hurt is definitely not what I want to be.

 

He sent an email tonight "do you still love me? I really do love you".

 

I think it's unfair to ask me that.

It doesn't matter whether it is fair or not. You need to cut him out of your life. If he really did love you, he would respect your wishes. The person that he really loves is himself.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the replies. I am so sorry to read the painful stories and admire the strength displayed here. Hearing from the BS' point of view is a salient reminder of the damage done to the innocent party and being part of that sort of hurt is definitely not what I want to be.

 

He sent an email tonight "do you still love me? I really do love you".

 

I think it's unfair to ask me that.

 

Why have you not blocked him? Made it impossible for him to contact you? You're leaving the door open a crack, whether it be because you want to still 'hear' from him or you're just too afraid to totally let go and actually know it's over and grieve the loss.

[ShatteredLady]

PLEASE read my last post. Can you HONESTLY say that you think that man has the first clue of what love is?

 

Does he 'love' his unborn child?

[freengreen]

Stop responding to him for a month or so and watch him get another AP... this guy has been around women most of the time, he knows what clicks with women.

 

Trust me your rejection wont bring him an heartache. Because he never put his heart in it in the first place.

[Overtaxed]

Stop responding to him for a month or so and watch him get another AP... this guy has been around women most of the time, he knows what clicks with women.

 

Trust me your rejection wont bring him an heartache. Because he never put his heart in it in the first place.

 

Yup. People who do this are often serial cheats, he will move on to easier targets after you go NC with him.

[Serendipity55]

I know you're right sadly. He did say to me it'd be easier to have another A in the future now. I'm sure he will, the line has been crossed now. If a pregnant W doesn't stop him then I can't think what would. Such a sad situation.

 

Looking to the future it makes me worry about other men now too! Have I been naive up to now - thinking men will be faithful? I understand that a person can develop feelings for someone else (whilst in a committed relationship) but I hoped that the love and respect for one's spouse and children would stop a person acting on those feelings.

[Overtaxed]

I know you're right sadly. He did say to me it'd be easier to have another A in the future now. I'm sure he will, the line has been crossed now. If a pregnant W doesn't stop him then I can't think what would. Such a sad situation.

 

Looking to the future it makes me worry about other men now too! Have I been naive up to now - thinking men will be faithful? I understand that a person can develop feelings for someone else (whilst in a committed relationship) but I hoped that the love and respect for one's spouse and children would stop a person acting on those feelings.

 

Not that it much matters, but there's a very good chance you ARE the "A in the future". As in, he's done this before. And yes, your situation is terrible, although, to be honest, I think a lot of men step out when their wives are pregnant because of the lack of sex; so, don't focus too much on that. What he/you've done is bad, no matter what the situation is, just differing degrees of bad. Would you feel better if his wife was nursing their child? Or the child was 5 years old? None of that really matters, it's the A that's the "bad act" not the fact that his W is/isn't doing XYZ.

 

I paint a very negative picture of men, because, in my experience, it's accurate. But will all men do this? Absolutely not. The real/fundamental problem, the guys you (and most women) are very attracted to are exactly the guys who are most likely to do this. That guy who always knows the right thing to say. The guy who's got a body like a male model. The guy who's making 1/2 a million a year. Those are the guys who girls pine after, and, unfortunately, they're also, in my experience, VERY likely to step out and do something like this. Too many options, too much entitlement, too much ego. And I speak from experience, not in stepping out, but in seeing it in my social circles.

 

The men who are much less likely to cheat are the ones that, sadly, you (and most women) typically find less attractive. Not making a boatload of money. Not crazy assertive and dominating in a room. Easy to get along with. Typically not as handsome. Those are the guys who worship their wives and would never consider an A; but, sadly, those are also the guys most women don't consider a "good catch".

 

If you met my circle of friends/work associates, you'd likely be interested in dating quite a few of them. If you met my friends that I went to high school with, you'd probably be interested in dating about none of them. And this would be exactly the wrong decision, the men I work with now; yeah, they drive 300K dollar cars and have a few houses each in awesome locations. They also have a girl or 2 in each of those locations who they see when they fly in for the weekend "with the guys". You do NOT want to be one of those girls, trust me.

[stillafool]

Hello,

 

 

I still haven't because he feels it is not fair on his wife. I'm trying not to react selfishly to this but it does hurt, especially because I can't understand the moral standpoint on this issue when he is doing what he is doing...can anyone shed any light? Thank you.

 

Because even though he is a dirty cheater he is not that dirty. He knows his kid is off limits and not only does he not want to disrespect his wife by introducing their child to his mistress but he also does not want to disrespect his child be doing so. You shouldn't have introduced your daughter to him either.

 

He is always going to put his wife and child first even if he is having an affair on the side. He's making it clear he is not going to leave them. Don't you and your daughter deserve a man who is free to love you both openly. If you stay with MM your self esteem is going to plunge and

it may affect your daughter.

[sandylee1]

You're not his first A though are you? The continued stance of not blocking him will keep your head in a mess, because you'll keep hoping and looking out for the email from him.

[BaileyB]

You must want the attention or you would block him. I would say, you are not done with him yet...

[Serendipity55]

Because even though he is a dirty cheater he is not that dirty. He knows his kid is off limits and not only does he not want to disrespect his wife by introducing their child to his mistress but he also does not want to disrespect his child be doing so. You shouldn't have introduced your daughter to him either.

 

He is always going to put his wife and child first even if he is having an affair on the side. He's making it clear he is not going to leave them. Don't you and your daughter deserve a man who is free to love you both openly. If you stay with MM your self esteem is going to plunge and

it may affect your daughter.

 

Stillafool - no he's changed his position on the DD since my original post. Said he wants me to meet now and that he's sorry he said what he did in case it hurt me. It didn't hurt me - I'm not a teenager who can't regulate her emotions.

 

What it did do was highlight how wrong my behaviour had been. It also was a wake up call. After he changed his tune, in an attempt to persuade me to get back together with him, it made no difference to me because I completely agree with all of your points. Similarly his declarations of love have not moved me either. Thank you for taking the time to advise.

[Serendipity55]

I have ended it with the MM and have now blocked him. He wasn't respecting the boundaries I had tried to put in place - despite saying he would.

 

I've come to realise that actions certainly speak louder. He says the right things but his actions completely undermine him. He's said the usual things in the past about not being able to leave because of his DD but then is having another child so I know it's all BS. Although I do think that once someone is a parent they can't really walk out of their relationship and break up their child's home. The wake of destruction seems too much to justify it.

 

I know he's just in it (life) for whatever he can get. He just loves himself, evidently. His love for me and W is based on self interest i.e. what we can give him. Before all this I used to think he was sleazy (tried to come on to me before when he was in his current LTR (before marriage) and before I'd met my husband) and I put him in the category of "chancer/fancies any woman/etc" you all know the type...so I know my vulnerability (at becoming a single parent) has probably clouded my judgment majorly because how on earth had I gone from "no thanks" to an A! It makes my own head spin when I think about it.

[Serendipity55]

Although, I should say, I do realise that if he wanted to he'd walk out on his family because he does appear to be all about himself despite saying over and over how his dd is his absolute priority and that he's choosing her as opposed to his W. I just wonder if it's more binary than that - i.e. he's choosing what suits him best. Financial and emotional security as provided by his M.

[BaileyB]

I'm glad you blocked him. No, he didn't respect your boundaries. It's for the best.

[Serendipity55]

Hello everyone,

 

I hope you're all OK.

 

I am still in NC. In my rational mind it's a very positive step, a show of strength for myself, etc. In my non-rational mind I do sometimes miss how he made me feel (the good times only!) but then I remember how it's not all about me.

 

I am trying to make sense of things still. For me it is catharsis and it is part of the process I always go through when trying to make sense of things that trouble me.

 

One of the things I wonder is whether MM can be truly happily married and have long term and multiple affairs - I'm not talking about sex only, I'm talking about affairs when they genuinely believe they love their AP?

 

I remember one time, when my xMM and I were talking about if things would be different if he didn't have children i.e. would he leave his W, and he said it was a very difficult question because to answer 'yes' (and say he would choose me essentially) would be making a "sham" out of his life.

 

I found this to be very revealing. To my mind he was already making a sham out of his life by pretending to be in a committed relationship when he was telling me he was in love with me / didn't feel any guilt towards his W. His marriage was full of deception and lies - to an outsider looking in it looked great and maybe even to his W but he wasn't committed so how could it be authentic? How could he tell me he loved me and that he never saw me as 'second best' repeatedly and feel no guilt?

 

 

He also often said his W gave him security and he was too cowardly to leave. He also told me that he loved her and that his relationship was a happy one, that he wasn't just going through the motions but that it functioned. He was always very honest I feel.

 

Can a marriage be a happy one when one party (the BS) doesn't know their marriage has three (or more) people in it? I guess ignorance is bliss so perhaps the answer is 'yes'. It's an inauthentic happiness perhaps.

 

I suppose a MM can definitely be happy because he is getting security and societal acceptance from the W / marriage and additional love / excitement from his AP. He is getting everything he needs I guess and for my xMM I really believe one woman would never be enough.

 

I think my thinking is too binary and that's why I struggle with this. I find it hard to reconcile the concepts of 'I am happily married and in a healthy relationship' and 'but I am aware I am risking it all / putting my spouse's/children's feelings on the line to have an affair'. For me, there is a huge disconnect there. Wouldn't true love and happiness stop you acting on your feelings for another? For me it would.

 

My xMM said that to me too - he said if the roles were reversed I wouldn't have been unfaithful to my H because I am loyal. If I had wanted my xMM (when married) I would have divorced and then gone to him. Having never been in that situation I can never say definitively that's how I would have gone about things but having written all of the above I think he's right and that's probably why I can't get my head around his position.

 

What are your experiences/thoughts? I'd be interested to know. Thank you.

[somanymistakes]

I think my thinking is too binary and that's why I struggle with this. I find it hard to reconcile the concepts of 'I am happily married and in a healthy relationship' and 'but I am aware I am risking it all / putting my spouse's/children's feelings on the line to have an affair'. For me, there is a huge disconnect there. Wouldn't true love and happiness stop you acting on your feelings for another? For me it would.

 

Well, I think there's a difference between "I love her and am happy with her" and "She's my one true love and I want nothing else"

 

A lot of people love their spouses and still want something more in their lives - I'm not just talking about sex and love and affairs here. To use the most stereotypical example, say the husband is really into sports, and the wife doesn't just find sports boring, she's morally offended by them and thinks its disgusting that people injure themselves for the entertainment of others. An awful lot of spouses, faced with that, will simply choose to go behind the wife's back and enjoy sports with their friends and never tell her about it on the grounds that what she doesn't know won't hurt her. THey think it's their own business and perfectly reasonable. Sure the wife would be upset if she knew! Let's just not tell her.

 

I don't think they really think about how much they're risking with their spouses and children. "I like vanilla, but why shouldn't I have chocolate too? It's not going to make me love vanilla any less."

[Serendipity55]

Somanymistakes. I read your thread earlier and I wondered how you are?

 

I think I have gained much more perspective on my situation. I've recently seen xMM and we had a long conversation about it all. He basically said he loves me and his W the same (he knows he truly loves me because it's same feelings he has for his w and they've not diminished but got stronger (possibly because he can't have me now)) but because he has kids now (2) he won't leave because he loves them more than either of us. He said he's going through tough times in his M but he'll just ride it out. He said his feelings for me have accelerated this bad patch. When we started the A he was happy in his M, now he's arguing more than he's not allegedly.

 

I think I understand that. He has always been honest with me.

 

What I don't understand is how his sense of being a great father who would never leave marries (no pun intended) up with him wanting to remain in an A. Every moment in an A surely puts at risk the happiness of those same children who he derives his happiness from. I've given him an exit, the space to work on his M but he wants back in. Is it a thrill of the chase classic?

 

I know I'm wasting my energy trying to understand and it's irrelevant because I'm out of it but I still want to make sense of a situation I can't understand and any 'answers' I get from him seem confused and contradictory, as if he doesn't know himself really.

[anika99]

Somanymistakes. I read your thread earlier and I wondered how you are?

 

I think I have gained much more perspective on my situation. I've recently seen xMM and we had a long conversation about it all. He basically said he loves me and his W the same (he knows he truly loves me because it's same feelings he has for his w and they've not diminished but got stronger (possibly because he can't have me now)) but because he has kids now (2) he won't leave because he loves them more than either of us. He said he's going through tough times in his M but he'll just ride it out. He said his feelings for me have accelerated this bad patch. When we started the A he was happy in his M, now he's arguing more than he's not allegedly.

 

I think I understand that. He has always been honest with me.

 

What I don't understand is how his sense of being a great father who would never leave marries (no pun intended) up with him wanting to remain in an A. Every moment in an A surely puts at risk the happiness of those same children who he derives his happiness from. I've given him an exit, the space to work on his M but he wants back in. Is it a thrill of the chase classic?

 

I know I'm wasting my energy trying to understand and it's irrelevant because I'm out of it but I still want to make sense of a situation I can't understand and any 'answers' I get from him seem confused and contradictory, as if he doesn't know himself really.

 

I can answer this. The person he love the most is himself. He may love his children more than he loves you or his wife but he doesn't love them more than he loves himself. Thus he feels entitled to eat cake at the risk of hurting his kids. His needs and happiness take precedence over the kids so he deserves to have an affair while maintaining a family and marriage. It's all about him.

[misspalmy]

I met ex mm kids, they were playing with my kids, when his wife took a break from the kids. they are my kids cosins

[pheonixrisen]

Thank you. Almost 18 months ago. No, I haven't.

 

So sorry to hear this ...you and your dd suffered huge loss. But you deserve better .children are so vulnerable .don't involve them in this kind of situation ...Adults are unable to handle fall out from this situation keep the children out of it .

 

Hope you can do better than this for your child and you.