Year 17. Abusive husband or martyr?

[dixiegal]

I'm new here so, hello to all of you regulars. And, this will be a long post, so I apologize in advance!!! It makes my stomach hurt to even type this.

 

First the background: We were high school sweethearts. We dated six years and got married. We've been married 17 years and have 2 kids one is elementary age and one is high school age. I think it makes us unique in a way, that we met young, dated a long time, and are still together. We are in our late 30s. However, it also means that I didn't have a lot of life experience when we got married.

 

We went through marriage counseling when we had only been married 3 years. The trouble was my husband was verbally and mentally abusive. He would call me names in front of our child, lock my keys and purse in my car and then leave for work in his car so I couldn't go anywhere, stuff like that. It was hell. I used to leave him and live with my parents when it would get really bad.

 

He never took to being much of a father to our first child, which was also breaking my heart. He wouldn't hold or play with the first child unless I begged.

 

I thought our marriage was over but he finally agreed to counseling and we had several breakthroughs. He ended up going onto medication for his mood swings and depression which really helped. But...THEN.... after about a year he would "forget" to take his meds from time to time or "forget" to get it refilled saying he didn't need them anymore. Then the horrible treatment would begin again as soon as they wore off. I ended up giving an ultimatum...if he didn't keep up with his meds, I was leaving for good.

 

Things got better for a long time. We even had another child together. We had an argument here or there but things were pretty good.

 

Sex life has always been good ( I know people always wonder about that!). I do try to keep up my appearance , wear makeup, get my hair done frequently, etc. I've been told I am pretty and that I look young for my age.

 

Here we are. Year 17. Things are starting to crumble again. I feel so hurt and upset.

 

I do mostly everything around the house...cook, clean, bills, errands, everything involving the kids, plan all vacations and pack for them, plan all parties for the kids and us, christmas, buy all gifts, you name it and it's up to me. I also work part-time outside the home at a stressful job. He works full-time and takes care of the yard and vehicle maintenance, stuff like that.

 

If we go on a date, it's because I asked or I planned it. He never plans anything. You get the idea.

 

My oldest child has a genetic medical problem. I have been through hell and back with hospital visits, surgeries, doctor visits, and trying to make sure sure she got in with an experts.

 

He has started saying things like:

 

"Remind me WHY do we have to go an hour away to the doctor again?!" (While we are driving there with my oldest child in the car, which makes my child feel great!) I explain it's the expert, the best dr for our child. He says "Well, it's a waste of time, we can go to a local doctor." When I WISH he was the type of dad who said "Only the best for my child!".

 

During one hospital visit, he left me alone in a strange city, with my child in post-op, because he found a stereo he wanted on craigslist and was meeting up with someone to buy it. He told me I would be fine. Kid was out of surgery. He would only be gone an hour. It really got to me. I wanted him there to hold my hand and help me in case something went wrong. I wanted him there to hold my child's hand when she woke up. Nope.

 

When child was in the hospital for a week he was pissed off the entire time. Barely did anything for her. I was the one getting her gifts from the gift store, ordering her food off the menu, reading her books, sitting up at night, talking to the nurses and doctors. He has never once advocated for our child.

 

He says stuff like:

 

"Well, it's your job to do all those things around the house and take care of the kids. My mom did it, so get over it because I'm not going to do it."

 

and

 

"You ONLY work part-time. It's a desk job. Give me a break! How can you possibly be tired."

 

Most recent blow-up we had was over this:

 

I planned a birthday party for him and invited his family to the house. We had cake, his favorite foods, gifts, I decorated the house and cleaned for a whole day. All while recovering from a herniated disc. Ok. Fine. We had a good time.

 

That night, I asked for help moving some boxes in our walk in closet. I needed to find my shoes for work and I couldn't move the boxes. He kept laying around, laying around. Then he moved one box and said "I don't see any shoes". I said, it's the next box over. He huffed and puffed and kept commenting on how pathetic the closet looked. I said "If you would help me, it would look better!". He threw the box down, almost hit my foot, and said "Find your own ****ing shoes!".

 

ALL that after I had just gone out of my way to throw a huge party for him. I was so mad. LIVID.

 

So we got into a major argument. Yelling, screaming epic argument. I accused him of being off his meds again. He accused me of being a bitch. I compared his current behavior to his past behavior when he would go off the meds and he got so angry saying I never let anything go. I was simply comparing behavior. I suggested maybe he needs his dosage increased, you can build up a tolerance to these meds. He said it must be pretty bad if I have to keep him drugged to love him. There was no reconciliation. No apology for what he said to me. I dug through the closet on my hands and knees, crying, and found my shoes for work.

 

He didn't talk to me for two days. Gave me the cold shoulder in every way possible.

 

When we did start talking again he accused me of being a martyr. He suggested marriage counseling and I refused to go again. He said thanks for giving up on us. I told him no, it's just that I have been to so many counselors, so many doctor appointments with my oldest child, I am sick to death of it. We've been together 17 years and if we should be able to figure it out on our own.

 

I told him I feel like a single parent. He said "Well you sure have my income to live on, I don't see you surviving on your income! I don't see you doing your own auto repairs or mowing the yard !"

 

He got sick a week or two ago and expected me to wait on him hand and foot....but he didn't take care of me when I had my herniated disc. Not once.

 

Everything feels one sided.

 

 

Now things have settled down again. But, at his last dr appointment he didn't ask to have his meds increased like he said he would. I felt like that was a way of him having the upper hand.

 

I've had it. I don't know what to do. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. BUT I don't want to divide the family. Our youngest child LOVES my husband to death and is by his side constantly. Our oldest child is old enough to see how things are.

 

 

I have started wondering how life would be if we were apart. I've wondered if I need to be saving up money in case we end up splitting. I have never known anybody except my husband. I've only ever had sex with him and one other guy I dated. It's like my husband has been my whole life, my everything, but at my age I am extremely tired of this and I know I don't have many "younger" years left.

 

 

I feel so alone. Am I just a martyr?

[aileD]

That's a tough one.

 

From reading your post, I see that you have a lot of resentment towards him for things you feel he isn't living up to as a father and in your marriage.

 

You say "I wish he was the kind of father/Man that......".....he's not. Is that something you can live with or can you love him for who he IS and not who you want him to be?

 

Also, from some of the things he's said to you it seems like he is holding a lot of resentments towards you for not appreciating his contributions to the family. Those come out when he says "well you sure like my paycheck"

 

You have to read between the lines. If you both can't get past the resentments then it will never work.. I know it's difficult, I have been with my husband for 25 years, since we were 17 years old. We have had so many ups and downs and so so so many resentments. Its hard to grow into adults together, and it takes work. But we've recently learned to let some of those things go. I will never be a morning person, or a good housekeeper. It's just who I am. There are many things that he will never be too. But do I love him despite those things and are they things I can live with? Vice versa for him?

 

You're at a crossroads, can you honestly say you have done everything possible to save your marriage?

 

I can't answer those things for you. But you won't get the answer when you are trapped in the cycle of resentment.

[Mstaken315]

I dont believe your a martyr, I believe you are just a great wife/mom trying to make it work even when your the only one trying. But this cannot be ignored. You have to leave him, he still has to support you financially. Just because he moves out doesnt mean he doesnt have to pay his share of the rent, expecially if hes the main bread winner its his responsibility to support his family even in separation. You should seriously consider moving on. It is a beautiful world out there and you have to imagine how wonderful your life is going to be even on hard days. Your kids also deserve better, and they dont need to see their mom getting treated this way. You have to be strong and leave him. You have so much to offer, there are great men out there, just be careful and guard yourself and go after only the ones that you want. Women are very powerful, its not really just about looks but the feeling we give other people when they are with us. Be confident and think about what you want. Is this what you want? Then make a decision. And stick with it. Whatever you do I wish you the best!

[Mr. Lucky]

He suggested marriage counseling and I refused to go again. He said thanks for giving up on us. I told him no, it's just that I have been to so many counselors, so many doctor appointments with my oldest child, I am sick to death of it. We've been together 17 years and if we should be able to figure it out on our own.

 

I'll bet you are indeed exhausted, I got tired reading it .

 

You're probably going to find posters who'll say "dump him", he's an abusive and controlling jerk. No one would blame you for feeling that way.

 

I see it a little differently, you have a unique marital history with plenty of mitigating factors. As someone who also has a child with medical issues (10 1/2 weeks premature, 5 surgeries before he was 4 years old, lasting effect into young adulthood), I understand how it can take over your life. And if you're not careful and in touch with each other, it becomes a flash point - you resent him for ignoring your child, he resents you for ignoring him. Give that anger years to build and fester and it blows up in an argument over shoes. Been there, done that.

 

Add in the additional issues from your husband's depression (anger is a common manifestation) and I'll bet you are indeed emotionally tapped out. Very long and difficult journey.

 

I can't help wonder if you're limiting your options by ruling out MC? Obviously, you can't "figure it out on our own", few couples can under stress. Since so many of your problems are communication based, therapy might at least be a brush-up on those skills. It also buys you some time to gauge your husband's participation and your relationship's future.

 

Hang in there and keep posting. Lots of great support here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

You're married to an abusive child and hoping that he will change is a complete waste of your time. Either accept this jerk for who he is, or leave him. It's really that simple.

 

I was in a marriage like this once. It lasted 4 yrs, we were split up 2 yrs of those 4, no kids. These types of people are a plague in relationships and I'm guessing that you have figured out by now that you can never do enough for him and he will never do much for you (or anyone else). Abusers are basically narsacistic and they're incapable of long-term change.

 

I call these guys "drama kings" because they love to create drama where there is none, they love to shift the blame whenever you act as though you need them for anything. That's because they control through anger and veiled threats. It's too bad you've put so much time and energy into this relationship. Not sure what to suggest except what I wrote earlier -- either accept him or leave him.

[BettyDraper]

I don't perceive any martyrdom. I see a wife and mother who gives far more than she receives in her marriage.

 

I'm sorry that your daughter has been so ill. I was a very sick child and my health issues continued into early adulthood. I can't imagine how hard it was for my parents. Your husband's callous attitude towards you and your daughter during such difficult times were beyond the pale!

 

Ordinarily, I would think that divorce would be the best solution. However, I know that many couples with children choose to stay together because of the family they have created. Marriage counseling isn't going to be helpful if your husband refuses to take his medication. Maybe you and your husband can strike a deal that if he takes his medications, you will be open to seeing a marriage counselor with him.

[AlmostFamous]

Well I feel for how bad you are treated and you really are. That is no loving marriage you are in. He doesn't help with anything at home and then hangs his paycheck over you like you do not deserve any credit for anything because you do not make much money. He is a very abusive man and you would be much better off away from him.

 

Having said that you should start setting some money aside and make your exit plans while you are still young and can enjoy a good life. I do not see anything redeeming qualities in your husband. The sooner you make your own way the better off you will be happy.

 

Thanks for sharing,hope your life going forward is going to be great.

[aileD]

So I'm learning that sometimes it's hard to see things from the other side.

 

We, as women, see they we do more around the house, we are more sensitive, we do more with the kids,our needs aren't being met etc

 

But the husband is not just a paycheck. Our husbands work and we don't know what they go thru at work. Some of us don't know the pressure that a man Feels to support his family. Especially where you have a child with medical problems that stresses everyone out more. He has to worry about what if he doesn't do well at his job and loses insurance then where will your child be?

 

It comes out in other ways, just like your resentments and fears come out in other ways.

 

What are the good things about your husband? What do you think his inner struggles are? Do you really just think he's an ******* deep down inside?

[bathtub-row]

Deleted by author.

[dixiegal]

I appreciate all of the replies I got. I read all of them and it does give me things to think about from both sides of the relationship.

 

Of course there are some redeeming qualities,he does do some good things, and there is love for him, or else I would not have made it 17 years.

 

As I said, things got good for quite a while (say year 4-now) and are just now getting pretty bad again.

 

I do feel abused, never physically, but emotionally. I am exhausted with carrying the relationship.

 

I am also not going to say I am perfect. Nobody is.

 

I think I will agree to counseling again if he agrees to stay on his meds.

 

 

Again, thanks for the replies.

[Mr. Lucky]

But the husband is not just a paycheck. Our husbands work and we don't know what they go thru at work. Some of us don't know the pressure that a man Feels to support his family. Especially where you have a child with medical problems that stresses everyone out more. He has to worry about what if he doesn't do well at his job and loses insurance then where will your child be?

 

There you go. I'll bet the OP's husband could post an equally compelling thread about how he feels unappreciated and ignored for his share of the heavy lifting required to sustain a marriage under these circumstances. After 17 years of infighting, very hard not to be entrenched in your POV.

 

Again dixiegal, that's why, in my mind, it's a mistake to rule out MC. Somewhere, somehow, you both stopped listening. Seems like an awful lot of marital equity to walk away from...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dixiegal]

Thanks Mr. Lucky, I think I was replying to the thread while you were typing your reply. It does go both ways.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks Mr. Lucky, I think I was replying to the thread while you were typing your reply. It does go both ways.

 

Hope you keep posting, interested in hearing about the progress you make...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AnnaTjacks]

As I read your post, I wonder how successful was the counsel you got before and I wonder what type of medical condition your husband was diagnosed with. For you both to do well for a period of time and then not to it just makes me wonder does he need professional help. It makes take a third party to intervene. I don't know the answer but I will pray that God guides you in your choice. I can only imagine how hard it is for you.