Author LolaMercedes Posted February 8, 2017 Author Share Posted February 8, 2017 When I got to the stage of feeling like this about my now-ex husband, I divorced the dumb jerk's ass. (Resentment, anger, bitterness, frustration, impatience, etc.) May I ask what's keeping you there? we complete each other, we keep each other right, together we are unbeatable. we don't have any family so we are the only ones that care for each other. and Vday is one way where he can show me he still cares. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 I'll speak to my counsellor once again and maybe get him to tell him then i'll be where I want to be ... You have to learn to stick up for yourself. Going through the counselor is better than not communicating your expectations but seething when they aren't met. However, talking directly to your husband would be the best thing. It's a little thing but maybe it will help you understand. When I first met & married my husband he signed cards, when he gave them, by just signing his name on the bottom. No Dear D0nnivain. No, "love" him. He didn't even date them. It drove me crazy. I like cards & I expect them for occasions like valentine's day & my birthday. So I explained all this to him. I acknowledged that he didn't see the big deal & I should be happy he did anything. His mother told me I'd never change him. Every card occasion I would thank him for the effort he took to pick it out. My cards to him were filled out "correctly." (I put that in quotes because there really isn't a right or wrong way but there was a way I wanted it done) One time he finally signed the card "love" and was so happy. I praised him & thanked him. He was actually moved. Next card had "Dear D0nnivain". I was thrilled. When he saw how happy I was my husband finally got that doing this little thing -- which took him minimal effort -- paid off in spades. He still doesn't understand why I care but he does it because it makes me happy. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 Do you have any other ideas how can I get him to do something nice for me that would count as Valentine's gift? Maybe tell him some of the following? You need to communicate your wants/needs rather than sneakily trying to get him to read your mind and do what you want. I would settle for a nice bath or a takeaway like this person suggests https://www.buzzfeed.com/gorzauni/romance-is-dead-anti-valentines-day-ideas-for-c-2sfg0 i'm not expecting huge gifts or anything like that. I just don't want this to be another day. I'm not expecting much, the things in the article I linked would be enough. just something really that will mark this day as not everyday. what I wrote before would be my ideal day but i'm not expecting anyting like that at all. I will always hope for sparks and fireworks but I will settle for anything out of ordinary. i've been disappointed many times but I still hope that after 10 tears he learnt what is important to me, even if it's silly Valentines. I really hope that this time he will try to impress me. I really don't expect miracles, simple thing, like running a bath would do. I just want him to make an effort for once... I only get flowers on birthday, but i'm ok with that. that's why I'd like him to do something for me on V day since I love that day and he knows, just needs to put his grumpy old fart attitude aside for once. we complete each other, we keep each other right, together we are unbeatable. we don't have any family so we are the only ones that care for each other. and Vday is one way where he can show me he still cares. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 Doesn't her husband have to learn that lesson too? If she has always been the giver but gotten nothing but overlooked in the past, it's tough to continue to be so self-sacrificing. people "give" in different ways.. maybe she needs to learn to appreciate the ways that he does give? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Doorstopper Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 Me and husband are in counselling at the moment as we have drifted apart and cannot seem to find a common ground on anything. we complete each other, we keep each other right, together we are unbeatable. we don't have any family so we are the only ones that care for each other. and Vday is one way where he can show me he still cares. It does not seem that both of these statements can be true. Also, if you are drifting apart, you should expect absolutely nothing. In the event that you do get anything, you will be surprised and grateful. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 My couselor says to talk to him but i'm afraid this will bring out Hulk in him. I'm not expecting much, the things in the article I linked would be enough. just something really that will mark this day as not everyday. what I wrote before would be my ideal day but i'm not expecting anyting like that at all. if he does well he will be praised and rewarded, trust me, in a way i'm embarrassed to talk about Why not discuss it in a therapy session with him. Your therapist can walk you through the best way to express your feelings and help him on receiving it and expressing his emotions. You can't be afraid to discuss how you feel in your marriage, that is a death knell but you also have to be fair and reasonable in your expectations and your respecting his feelings. This is a definite counseling session discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 Thanks for answering my question, LolaMercedes. we complete each other, we keep each other right, together we are unbeatable. <snip> we are the only ones that care for each other. To be honest, this does not come through in any of your telling of your story or descriptions of your relationship and how you feel towards him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LolaMercedes Posted February 9, 2017 Author Share Posted February 9, 2017 It does not seem that both of these statements can be true. Also, if you are drifting apart, you should expect absolutely nothing. In the event that you do get anything, you will be surprised and grateful. cause we're so different we complete each other..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LolaMercedes Posted February 9, 2017 Author Share Posted February 9, 2017 Why not discuss it in a therapy session with him. Your therapist can walk you through the best way to express your feelings and help him on receiving it and expressing his emotions. You can't be afraid to discuss how you feel in your marriage, that is a death knell but you also have to be fair and reasonable in your expectations and your respecting his feelings. This is a definite counseling session discussion. yeah, i'' speak to the therapist again.... he has to do something, he's being paid for it after all. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 trust me pal, I put his needs as high as mine and now it's his turn to show me that he cares about my needs too. But he hates Valentines. At best you'll get treated well under duress. Why not choose a different way to have him show that he cares? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LolaMercedes Posted February 9, 2017 Author Share Posted February 9, 2017 Thanks for answering my question, LolaMercedes. To be honest, this does not come through in any of your telling of your story or descriptions of your relationship and how you feel towards him. why do you say that? these feeling are keeping us together. if not them we would be long in the past. they are the reason why we try to fight for it and will continue.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LolaMercedes Posted February 9, 2017 Author Share Posted February 9, 2017 But he hates Valentines. At best you'll get treated well under duress. Why not choose a different way to have him show that he cares? I hate some of the things I did for him a-in the past. it is just one day and no one gets hurt if it's being celebrated. this is the ultimate sign of caring for me.... Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 cause we're so different we complete each other..... LolaMercedes, sorry to bother you...but I'm still not sure that I understand. What kind of 'different' do you mean, that brings the two of you into such oneness that it can be called or feels like it is 'complete'? (When I think of 'different' in context of your posts, what comes more to mind is oil and water, or the north and south poles of a magnet. So, it's really just for my own perspective that I'm asking the question.) Thanks, R. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 I'm going to switch away from the Valentine's topic a) because I'm cynical about the whole day and b) because I don't think a single day of thoughtfulness is what you need. A long time ago, with my ex husband, I too used to get upset that he wasn't romantic. He didn't buy me flowers etc. I left the marriage and am now re-partnered to the most unromantic dude in the world and yet I am completely content. What I realised is that it wasn't 'romance' that I needed - but rather, to feel appreciated. My guy is *there* for me emotionally. He's thoughtful. Perhaps it's a more generic sense of appreciation that you need? I think it's foolish to make threats about the future of the marriage being dependent on what he does for one day. But I think it's entirely sensible to look at the marriage as a whole and discuss what it would take for you to feel appreciated by him. Perhaps he could put a bit of thought into what he gets you for Birthdays and Christmas. Perhaps he could spend more quality time with you. Perhaps he could initiate dates. Perhaps he could cook dinner when you're tired. Or make you a coffee for no reason. Ask you about your day and listen to the answer. And most of all, for you to not be scared of him turning into a Hulk when you try and express your needs. What exactly do you mean by Hulk anyway? Are you scared of him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 why do you say that? these feeling are keeping us together. if not them we would be long in the past. they are the reason why we try to fight for it and will continue.... Is HE fighting for it? If he does the Hulk thing when you try and express your feelings, I think not. How has he changed since you started counselling? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LolaMercedes Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 LolaMercedes, sorry to bother you...but I'm still not sure that I understand. What kind of 'different' do you mean, that brings the two of you into such oneness that it can be called or feels like it is 'complete'? (When I think of 'different' in context of your posts, what comes more to mind is oil and water, or the north and south poles of a magnet. So, it's really just for my own perspective that I'm asking the question.) Thanks, R. it's the polar opposites that make us a whole, like magnet, wouldn't exist if not the plus and the minus. he's hot head , i'm calm. he's logical, i'm emotional. he's a people person, i'm not... etc. together we have covered it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LolaMercedes Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 together we have covered it all. meant, we have it all covered Link to post Share on other sites
Author LolaMercedes Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 I'm going to switch away from the Valentine's topic a) because I'm cynical about the whole day and b) because I don't think a single day of thoughtfulness is what you need. A long time ago, with my ex husband, I too used to get upset that he wasn't romantic. He didn't buy me flowers etc. I left the marriage and am now re-partnered to the most unromantic dude in the world and yet I am completely content. What I realised is that it wasn't 'romance' that I needed - but rather, to feel appreciated. My guy is *there* for me emotionally. He's thoughtful. Perhaps it's a more generic sense of appreciation that you need? I think it's foolish to make threats about the future of the marriage being dependent on what he does for one day. But I think it's entirely sensible to look at the marriage as a whole and discuss what it would take for you to feel appreciated by him. Perhaps he could put a bit of thought into what he gets you for Birthdays and Christmas. Perhaps he could spend more quality time with you. Perhaps he could initiate dates. Perhaps he could cook dinner when you're tired. Or make you a coffee for no reason. Ask you about your day and listen to the answer. And most of all, for you to not be scared of him turning into a Hulk when you try and express your needs. What exactly do you mean by Hulk anyway? Are you scared of him? he's got his moments when he does nice things and it seems it genuine. they happen more often since the counselling began so I don't see a reason why he shouldn't do something nice on valentines. this day was a reason for many fights so this might be part of the reason why he hates it so much. i'm not scared of him but when he gets angry its really intimidating so I don't want to witness this and more importantly I don't want to be at the receiving end of this. plus I really don't want to fight and make him angry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LolaMercedes Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Is HE fighting for it? If he does the Hulk thing when you try and express your feelings, I think not. How has he changed since you started counselling? he's a bit better, yes. i see he tries so he shouldn't have a problem to do something nice especially if this means sop much for me. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Here's what I see: you refuse to tell him what would make you happy and then you resent him for not doing the thing that would make you happy. My ex used to do this and it was a no-win situation for both of us. He shouldn't have to read your mind. You will end up going in circles with this until something stops it. Discuss this with the counselor. You're going to have to either learn to tell him what makes you happy or stop resenting him for not doing it. If you HAVE told him what will make you happy and he still doesn't do it, then you have another problem, but until you tell him what will make you happy you can't resent him for not doing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LolaMercedes Posted February 11, 2017 Author Share Posted February 11, 2017 thank you for all the comments, i will speak to the counsellor again xx Link to post Share on other sites
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