Artlover Posted April 30, 2001 Share Posted April 30, 2001 Tony/Sparkle: Just a quick update...I called the guy I went out with on 4/21, on Friday afternoon. I still haven't heard anything back from him. I don't think I will. I think I knew when he kept saying "I'll speak to you soon..." that this was his passive-aggressive way of saying, "I never want to see you again" or at least "I'm unsure if I want to see you again." My first instinct was to not call him ever again, but the response I got from almost everyone was that he either was unsure of my feelings or he's just busy. Well, no one is so busy that they can't return a call made on a Friday afternoon, by Monday afternoon. That's just rude behavior. I wish I could say I'm shocked, but I'm not at all. I just knew he would've made definite plans that night if he were really interested or he would have said "I'll call you on such and such a day" and done it! I guess the only thing that makes this different from other disappearing acts, men I've met, have pulled is that this one actually gave me personal handmade gifts...Is it just me or is that strange? Your thoughts on this would be appreciated. Tony, you seem to have some decent insight into the male psyche. Why do you think someone would actually give such personal gifts (handmade books, one of which was a personal journal detailing a past depression in vivid form, with abstract drawings) on a first date and then ask a person out again, only to never follow through? Is this common? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 30, 2001 Share Posted April 30, 2001 YOU ASK: "Why do you think someone would actually give such personal gifts (handmade books, one of which was a personal journal detailing a past depression in vivid form, with abstract drawings) on a first date and then ask a person out again, only to never follow through?" There are some very highly evolved and free spirits who operate on a whole different plain from the rest of us. It sounds like he lives in the present and at that time he wanted to give you those things because he felt like doing so. He asked you out because he felt like doing so. He did not follow through because events in his life precluded him from doing doing so. He is not responsible for your feelings, you are. It is wrong to demand or expect anything from anybody. Oh, yes, it's very nice when people follow through and do what they say...it is wonderful. But to allow the actions or lack thereof of any other human being to affect you in any negative way is a bad habit to get into. During your lifetime, many people will act in ways inconsistent with your habits and values. Accept this and don't let it upset you. If you lived in the present, you would have relished your time with this man while you were with him, just as he did with you, and you would be enjoying the moments now with absolutely no consideration of whether or not he has called you...or even if he still exists. You can't really say he's never followed through. The world hasn't ended yet. YOU ALSO ASK: "Is this common?" Yes, it is these days. Not so much by those spiritually evolved people but by the increasing masses who are disrespectful, inconsiderate, self centered, etc. Many people do whatever they want irrespective of promises they have made. There are lots of people who just go with the best opportunity that presents itself by the weekend. I used to know girls who would put three or four guys off until Friday afternoon...and then call the one back who seemed to have the most interesting date plans for them. So you were born too late. The days of courtesy, respect, and consideration, for the most part, are in the past. I'm sure they'll return...but for now you'll just have to learn to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Artlover Posted April 30, 2001 Share Posted April 30, 2001 Tony: Just say what you feel. Don't sugar coat anything... Look, I'm still breathing. This isn't the first time and I know it won't be the last time I have a disappointing dating experience. If dating was fun, everyone would be clammoring to do it and I know many people who just don't date...Attractive, educated, kind, talented people... Anyway, I understand what you're talking about when you mention those who truly live for the moment and are very present in their experiences. I think that's great. But you can be someone who lives in the moment, but who also maintains a sense of integrity and character. There's a difference between "living in the moment" and being selfish and self-absorbed. There's no excuse for someone not returning a phone call. If something comes up, it comes up. That's life. But to just ignore someone who you felt a connection with, however brief, actually sounds like the opposite of being spritually evolved. That's just my opinion. YOU ASK: "Why do you think someone would actually give such personal gifts (handmade books, one of which was a personal journal detailing a past depression in vivid form, with abstract drawings) on a first date and then ask a person out again, only to never follow through?" There are some very highly evolved and free spirits who operate on a whole different plain from the rest of us. It sounds like he lives in the present and at that time he wanted to give you those things because he felt like doing so. He asked you out because he felt like doing so. He did not follow through because events in his life precluded him from doing doing so. He is not responsible for your feelings, you are. It is wrong to demand or expect anything from anybody. Oh, yes, it's very nice when people follow through and do what they say...it is wonderful. But to allow the actions or lack thereof of any other human being to affect you in any negative way is a bad habit to get into. During your lifetime, many people will act in ways inconsistent with your habits and values. Accept this and don't let it upset you. If you lived in the present, you would have relished your time with this man while you were with him, just as he did with you, and you would be enjoying the moments now with absolutely no consideration of whether or not he has called you...or even if he still exists. You can't really say he's never followed through. The world hasn't ended yet. YOU ALSO ASK: "Is this common?" Yes, it is these days. Not so much by those spiritually evolved people but by the increasing masses who are disrespectful, inconsiderate, self centered, etc. Many people do whatever they want irrespective of promises they have made. There are lots of people who just go with the best opportunity that presents itself by the weekend. I used to know girls who would put three or four guys off until Friday afternoon...and then call the one back who seemed to have the most interesting date plans for them. So you were born too late. The days of courtesy, respect, and consideration, for the most part, are in the past. I'm sure they'll return...but for now you'll just have to learn to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 30, 2001 Share Posted April 30, 2001 You seemed to be looking for some explanation beyond simple rudeness. You already knew what he did was rude...so I was doing my best to come up with other possiblities. I do hope you will give up on this analysis and move on...but meanwhile, perhaps someone else can shed other light on his behavior. I personally think it's a waste of time. When people are rude to me I just write them off...don't dignify their rudeness with analysis. Best to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lilly Posted May 1, 2001 Share Posted May 1, 2001 I don't think there is anything wrong with your trying to understand this situation. I think that is the difference between men and women. When something happens and a woman's feelings are hurt, we try to understand why. If the same thing were to happen to a man, he would easily dismiss the situation and person. I think it is because women make immediate bonds more quickly than men. Regardless, a similar thing happened tome about a month ago. i went out with this guy and had the best time with him. Him gave me every indication that he was interested, but then he never asked me out again. I couldn't stop wondering why? I probably couldn't let it go so easily b/c I kept running into him Regardless, I just found out what happened...he's seeing someone else. I could think of many reasons why he is blowing you off 1) He's dating someone else 2)You weren't all he dreamed you up to be 3) He's busy 4) He realises he doesn't have time or energy to get involved with anyone 5)he's getting over a break-up 6)He lost your number/didn't get the message . I don't know if any of this helps, but the bottom line is that he isn't good enough for you. You deserve a man who follows through and cares enough to dote on you. Even if he did call, at a later date, I would question his interest/or ability to follow through. I personally think that when the right man comes along, it won't be so confusing, and he'll know how you like to be treated and want to treat you that way. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Artlover Posted May 1, 2001 Share Posted May 1, 2001 Thank you Lilly. Your response was very sweet. Yes, men and women certainly are different... I don't think there is anything wrong with your trying to understand this situation. I think that is the difference between men and women. When something happens and a woman's feelings are hurt, we try to understand why. If the same thing were to happen to a man, he would easily dismiss the situation and person. I think it is because women make immediate bonds more quickly than men. Regardless, a similar thing happened tome about a month ago. i went out with this guy and had the best time with him. Him gave me every indication that he was interested, but then he never asked me out again. I couldn't stop wondering why? I probably couldn't let it go so easily b/c I kept running into him Regardless, I just found out what happened...he's seeing someone else. I could think of many reasons why he is blowing you off 1) He's dating someone else 2)You weren't all he dreamed you up to be 3) He's busy 4) He realises he doesn't have time or energy to get involved with anyone 5)he's getting over a break-up 6)He lost your number/didn't get the message . I don't know if any of this helps, but the bottom line is that he isn't good enough for you. You deserve a man who follows through and cares enough to dote on you. Even if he did call, at a later date, I would question his interest/or ability to follow through. I personally think that when the right man comes along, it won't be so confusing, and he'll know how you like to be treated and want to treat you that way. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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