Divorce and my step son.

[AvaliableName]

A hindsight summary is at the end, because I realized I made this much longer than necessary...

 

Hope I'm in the right area and doings things right, literally first time on a forum ever. Me and my wife are getting divorced, no questions about it. We are in total agreement of everything, from the house and car, to the custody of our daughter. No one knows about this yet.

 

Son - 11 years old, lived with his mom his whole life. Has lived in the same town his whole life, where his paternal grandparents and a small handful of other paternal family members are. My family as well for what that's worth. He is close to my family, even having his own bedroom at my parent's house. His best friend, since birth, is here. He is a straight A student, is in karate, book club, scouts, loves to read (all 5 books of the maze runner series in 3 weeks, entirety of Harry Potter, the first Lord of the Rings book [i'm stressing the excelling part here lol]). Very likely the best human in existence. Will not take the last of anything, and is always more concerned with everybody else's well being over his own (even though we tell him to worry about himself a little more). He is also the best big brother to his 4 year old sister that anyone could hope for. He gets frustrated with her, obviously, but he always plays with her, and even let's her hangout with him when he is doing his own things, even when we try to get her away to let him have his space. I have been his step dad, and primary male role model since he was 4.

 

Ex - lives an hour and a half away, because he is in the military. He is in better financial standing than us, and is married. He is a good parent, pretty strict, but good, when he's there. He is able to take him every other weekend, holidays (alternating Christmas and Thanksgiving), and the entire summer. No current custody agreement in place that would apply, it's all been a verbal agreement between them. Problem is, he takes him once a month at most, usually every other month, been less than a month during summers.

 

The issue is that Ex has said probably 4 or 5 times that he wants to take Son for a year of school to try it out. We don't think that's a good idea to uproot his entire life. I switched schools for a year when I was young, and when I went back, I didn't have any of my old friends, we drifted apart already. My entire school life went to crap. I went from a straight A student, to a D and F student. Wound up walking out of school in 5th grade, cause I had enough.

 

Son says he wants to try living with his dad. Ex has, in the past, told Son to ask us if he could move with Ex for a year, which Pisses me off to no end that he would put Son in that position. It terrifies me that what I went through could happen to Son. I was OK with moving, it was after when it all went to hell on me. Son knows a lot of my past (not nearly everything), my many mistakes, and I remind him every time something comes up to be better than I was. To learn from my mistakes. Don't smoke like me, don't chew like me, don't ignore your homework, don't hangout with the bad kids, you'll hate those parts of yourself later, and a feeling of hatred for yourself is hard, and even harder to overcome.

 

I'm wondering if me and my wife's divorce would give Ex any grounds to get custody, regardless of the resounding. Finances are tight, so I'm doing my own research into this before hand to see if we need to takes initiative and lawyer up now to take care of this before we split, or if it's something we could deal with later if he tries anything.

 

In hindsight, I guess this could have been summed up easily as follows...

Me and my wife are divorcing, step son is excelling in life. Does his dad have a chance at getting custody since we're divorcing?

 

Sorry, I'm a little passionate about the situation. I see this boy as my own.

[Ronni_W]

Me and my wife are divorcing, step son is excelling in life. Does his dad have a chance at getting custody since we're divorcing?

You will be doing your son the highest service if you consult with an attorney on that.

 

Son says he wants to try living with his dad.

This, really, ought to be the key and primary consideration. At 11 years of age, your son is old enough to know the 'inner longings' and 'inner questions' that are starting to become evident to him.

 

I appreciate that it's difficult for you and his mother, but, I would, nevertheless, urge you to try to envision yourself, whole-heartedly and 100%, in this young man's shoes (and his heart and mind and Soul).

 

I am speaking as a much older woman who lost her dad at age 13 -- there just is something, carried through all of one's life -- about not having had the opportunity to know, as an adult, the man my Dad was. I can't even begin to imagine how it has been for my brother, who was exactly the same age as your son.

 

Here, again, for you and your son's mother to get a better sense of all that the decision entails, you may consider consulting with a child psychologist. I get that you want what's going to be best for your son, not just now but for the future, as well.

 

In Light and Love.

[Miss Clavel]

he should stay where he is.

 

why even get a divorce, i mean legally, if it's just going to bring his father out of the woodwork?

 

sometimes, in spite of what a child wants, we have to do what is best and the fact that he's doing so well where he is is what stands out for me.

 

does he even understand what he's going to be giving up? what will he gain? i have a niece with a specific talent and if she had to move to start training with a world class coach 5 states over then i'm sure her mother would bite the bullet, otherwise...

 

it sounds like he misses his father, maybe he should spend the summer there looking around and weigh the decision he's making that involves leaving all his friends, family, school and routines.

 

good luck

[d0nnivain]

While it seems you have a wonderful emotional connection to your step son, you have no biologic or legal connection to him. Your presence in his life is a small factor in the balancing tests which will be employed by the court to determine what is in the boy's best interests. The stability of his present situation and his successes will be weightier factors than his mother's marital status.

 

 

Fact is as some point he gets input on where he wants to live.

 

 

Be happy for him that he has 2 parents who care enough about him to fight for him. Encourage your soon to be EX-W to work with the boy's father to find a compromise rather than relying on the Court. A judge friend of mine was fond of saying that If he was forced to determine what was in any child's best interests, both parents sucked because they had no ability to compromise for their kids. Sad fact is though, you are about to remove yourself from this equation meaning it's not your concern & you don't even have standing to express an opinion.

 

 

You certainly can't stay married to the mother just to help her custody situation. Besides, being in a chaotic household will be worse then being uprooted.

[AvaliableName]

I want Son to know his father, I really do. His mother does too. I'm afraid Son is making his decision based only on Ex trying to convince Son to want to move, and Son wanting to know his father better. Ex wants to see him more, but said he couldn't afford to make the 1.5 trip all the time. Then he bought a new truck and motorcycle, and doesn't take Son for even half of the summer. Ex does not have his priorities in order if you ask me. We have 1 new vehicle, and an 02 Park Avenue sitting in back because we would rather spend what little money we have giving these kids a better life. If Ex can't manage to take him that little bit he should, is it really a good idea to have Son live with him, based solely on wanting to see his father more?

 

While we haven't talked to a psychiatrist, we have spoken to 2 counselors and 2 teachers, and all were against it.

 

Should we have a talk with Son about the reality that his father has soooo many more opportunities to take him and doesnt? We have done everything to make sure Ex doesn't look bad. Son doesn't even know how often his dad is supposed to take him, because we don't want to set him up for disappointment when Ex can't make it yet again.

 

And yes, I know I will have no legal say in anything, and I absolutely hate that, because Son is literally closer to me and my family than ANY of his biological family, mother excluded only.

[Ronni_W]

Maybe a 'family meeting' of sorts (doesn't have to be labeled anything or formal), with him, his mother and you, where the goal is simply to brainstorm the pros and cons of what and why he wants to live with his biological father.

 

Let him know that you will always love him and your primary concern will always be for his mental, emotional, spiritual and physical welfare, well-being, and health and happiness.

 

You do have the parental responsibility and obligation -- you have earned this -- to give him as much information as possible, to help him get the full perspective, with its potential and most likely pitfalls and outcomes. Share the objective reasons against the move, given by the counselors and teachers.

 

I would consult the counselors again, for their insight and input into whether and how to refer to or mention his biological father, in context of trying to use it to influence/persuade your son to see things your way.

[aileD]

The judge in any custody hearing is ONLY concerned with what is best for the child.

 

If your STBXW will have a stable home still, and will be fine financially and has the support of family around I don't see any judge giving custody to someone who hasn't had that role his entire life. Unless your STBXW is on drugs, abandoning him, screwing him up then I don't see a judge taking him away from her.

 

That said...anything is possible so definitely consult a lawyer.

 

That said, look at all the nice things you said about your stepson and his personality. He's not you. He may have a different experience if he goes to live with his dad for awhile.

 

however...... that could make the custody issue a little messier if he tries to go for it.

 

Ultimately it's up to his mom to make the best decision for her son.

 

also, you are a good man to be so concerned about your stepson even through the divorce from his mom. Kudos to you.

[AvaliableName]

I thank everyone for the advice. I'm smart enough to know that our minds easily get clogged by our emotions, so I am more than happy to hear the input of unbiased parties. My wife has made the decision that she wants to go ahead with getting a consultation from a lawyer to see if he even has a leg to stand on, and we will definitely have a meeting about this, hopefully with the guidance counselor and his dad, and step mom (only fair she's there if I am). I'm happy to see I'm not just being blind in this situation.

[OatsAndHall]

I know that you care for the boy deeply. However, it takes two people to end up divorced and your ex-wife need to do what's best for her son. To be blunt, this was something that needed to be taken into consideration before the divorce papers were signed. But, at the end of the day, I don't see her losing custody over the child. There has to be a drastic change in a situation before a judge will change a custody agreement. The courts don't like being embroiled in these situations as long as they see that the child isn't being neglected.

 

I had three step sons with my ex wife and her waste-of-space ex tried to gain more custody of them on many occasions. But, the judge shot down his requests repeatedly, even when she was in pretty dire financial straits. The middle one started talking about living with his father and the judge put a stop to this in a hurry as a parenting agreement had been put in place. He could have asked for more visitation time but it's rare (at least in this state) for a judge to do a 180 on custody.

 

But, it would be a good idea for you or your ex wife to discuss the situation with a lawyer. However, be very careful to not let this cloud your judgement when it comes to the financial aspects of the divorce. I forked over the home to my ex wife and my name is on the mortgage until she can refinance on her own. This was the least I could do for the kids. However, I agreed to pay over $4k in maintenance over the space of a year as I was concerned for the boys' well-being. This was a huge mistake on my part for many reasons.. And, at the end of the day, it is your exes responsibility to take care of the child. I don't know the circumstances behind your divorce but this is something she should have taken into consideration before signing off on a divorce.

[elaine567]

His father is married, so what does his wife have to say about having to take on your step son for a year? Do they have other kids?