I was sure I was a lesbian but...

[whoAAA]

...I fell in love with my doctor, who is 20 yrs older than me, divorced father of 5+ kids etc. I'm 35, have a long time girlfriend and my life is turned upside down at the moment. We went out 3 times. 2nd time was the best. We had a romantic moment and we kissed like two kids doing it for the First time. I was and still am shocked that I felt chemistry with a guy so I reacted a little bit awkward, saying What is wrong with me? while we held each other after the kiss and told one another we would never let each other go, so he backed off. That was one mistake in the long line of mistakes I made with him.

 

He knows everything about me, my orientation and experiences but I didn't realise one important thing about him. He is in deep, dark depression that followed after his mother and Brother passed away and his Gf left him. He mentioned it but I didn't ask enough questions or showed enough emphaty to find out more. I was so confused, feeling butterflies in my stomach so I ended up being a [jerk].

 

After that our communication got slower and I almost gave up because I was feeling like I'm texting to myself. I got really frustrated. I mean, me beeing with girls usually gets guys turned on in a second but the one I really like was so slow. It took 2 months to see him again.

 

3rd date was a disaster. We didn't get each other at all. He behaved like a jerk and I behaved like an ice Queen out of pure tension and beeing afraid I'm going to make a wrong move and scare him away.

 

We barely touched each other and he said some things that really upset me. Like; I guess we'll see each other in 2 months but don't worry I'm not in love. I am just so inert I can't make a proper move.

 

Before that he mumbled something about when are we going to have out moment and finally properly kiss? But I can't be sure I heard it right because he was standing 3ft away from me behaving like a lost kid in the middle of the street.

 

After that, no surprise; it got worse. I realised I can't take this anymore and that I need to move on. My mind realised it but not my heart. So I texted him I have to do that and that I'll change my doctor etc. I said I would rather not meet him ever again than be going through this emotional turmoil every time we meet.

 

He blocked me in every possible way. Whats app, Viber, phone, sms. I was heart broken. After days of beeing desperate I saw he had an email on his YouTube channel. So I decided to make one last try to make it right. I didn't even Know was he still using it or not but I hoped. I tried to explain everything I've done and why I've done it in a long emotional email, which I never done in my entire life and hate it when I get it from someone.

 

He replied. I was crushed. He wrote we were very differrent, had different behaviours and expectations and that he knows I would get dissapointed if anything happened. He hasn't been with a woman for 3 years and expects to be that way for the rest of his life. He is not ready for any kind of relationship and that is what happens when things get forced. He has no Energy to move things, and I have to understand it. Nothing interests him anymore and he is a burdern to himself and sees just problems all around. He can be my contact for occasional spontaneous conversations and nothing more. He never unblocked me.

 

I can't even express my pain with words after I read it. I wished him luck and wrote that one day he will find true love and because he deserves it and is a good person no matter how he feels about it today. I also apologized I forced him to anything and explained I must have interpreted the situation completly wrong. I also wrote I see now that the only thing he wants from me is to be left alone so I will respect it from now on.

 

That's it. I [messed] up majorly. I still can't believe I was so wrong at interpreting the signs from this man. I was sure he liked me and I was sure I wasn't forcing him. I ruined it completly.

 

My question is, what would you do in my shoes? I'm still with my Gf. She knows nothing. We are involved for 4 yrs but last two were very hard to cope with. We fight all the time. This thing with the doc took a toll on me. It lasted just 4 months but I don't Know who I am anymore.

 

Would it help if I did something differently with him? Or was this doomed to fail from the start? In the end I felt like he was shaming me about beeing attracted to him phisically. Which is funny 'cause mostly he was the one talking about sex, not me.

 

I'm not a cheater. I love my gf. I wasn't looking for this. It just happened. I wasn't expecting it and now I'm [messed] up

Edited February 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs and language ~6

[BluesPower]

First off...

 

What if you are bi-sexual is that the end of the world? It is no better of worse that any other orientation it just is.

 

Second, you really don't want to cheat, although, this was really an emotional affair. You guys did not actually have sex? (Hard to tell - paragraph breaks are your friend)

 

Anyway, the real issue is your current relationship and what you plan to do about it. It sound like this R may have run its course unless you both dig deep and work on your issues. If not it won't continue for a lot longer. One of you will end it if the fighting continues.

 

As far as this guy goes, look, you were freaked out about the gender issue and you kind of froze and acted a little ridiculous, and really you should have not been there in the first place. Not because he was male but because you were cheating. I would not really feel too bad about it, overall.

 

What you really need to do is work on you R with GF or end it. If you end it you can just date whoever you want...

[AlmostFamous]

I think the thing to take away from this is to always be open to communicate your feelings. I have known a lesbian that went straight,as she tells it. Her whole life she was attracted too and only been with females until she met some guy. It floored her but she went with and I do not think she ever went with a female again. She met the guy in her early 40's I believe. I hope the doctor comes around because from what I can tell you have much more attraction to him than your GF. In any case youu might want to re-evaluate your current relationship because a man took your breath away even for a short time period and your GF it seems doesn't give butterflies any longer. Thanks for sharing,take care,wish you well.

[Jersey born raised]

A third party in a two party relationship is a third party. An EA is still an affair. Deal with your relationship first, forget the rest

 

Have you considered your detachment is the problem not the relationship.

 

I recall decades ago someone saying "hell yea I support gay marriage, why the hell shouldn't they be as miserable as straights". Have you read any threads by gay couples?

[JuneL]

Was it not againt your doctor's professional ethic code to go out with his current patient? How did those dates even happen? Do you think he might be concerned about any possible ramifications, especially you didn't appear too receptive to his moves initially?

[whoAAA]

Hey guys,

sorry for the language and the paragraphs. English is not my native language.

 

I don't care about the labels, I never did. But this could be a beginning of major changes in my life. I have to face it.

 

I had boyfriends when I was younger but I slept with just one of them and even that was because I decided that I'm going to check that box on my bucket list. I realised it's not a thrill for me, like with girls. It felt good but that was it. No emotional connection at all.

 

I mostly had male friends all my life and things always ended with them being hurt because they wanted something more and I just couldn't do it. No attraction from my part at all. We shared a bed, food, drinks, all our secrets but... nothing. I even tried kissing 2 of them because I really cared about them and they were begging for it; but again, nothing. For me it was like kissing an object.

 

Doc and I, we didn't have sex. Thank God for that, cause I don't Know how would I go on after it ended this way. We just kissed and this time I wanted more. Honestly I went for the kiss just because I was sure it will feel the same way like with every other man I kissed before but it didn't.

 

Sincerely I don't Know what to do now. I wish I never opened this Pandoras box at all. I don't Know what I was thinking. I don't want to break up with her or cheat on her. We kind of reconnected lately. I have more understanding of her now but it's mostly cause I feel guilty. And I can't stop thinking of him and I don't even Know why.

 

Guys of my age look so much better and we have so much more in common that I still can't believe that this guy, of all the other guys in the world does it for me. After 20 yrs of girls. When I touch him, I light up. Yes, he takes my breath away but he is depressed and we are obviously over. What am I supposed to say to a guy who is just waiting for his life to end? I can just make him feel worse with all my issues.

 

And as much as I want for him to come around I feel I've done to much damage.

[whoAAA]

A third party in a two party relationship is a third party. An EA is still an affair. Deal with your relationship first, forget the rest

 

Have you considered your detachment is the problem not the relationship.

 

?

 

I agree with everything you said. Except my relationship problems are here for 2 years and the doc problem is here 4 months, tops.

 

Do you think he might be concerned about any possible ramifications, especially you didn't appear too receptive to his moves initially?

 

I didn't even think about that side. Probably it is some kind of professional issue but he never talked about it. Dates happened when I finally asked him to take a coffee break with me after a long time of turning him down. I asked him like a friend but it turned out differently.

[JuneL]

I didn't even think about that side. Probably it is some kind of professional issue but he never talked about it. Dates happened when I finally asked him to take a coffee break with me after a long time of turning him down. I asked him like a friend but it turned out differently.

 

So you had turned him down for a long time, meaning he had asked you out many times before (without success)? This guy doesn't sound very professional.

[Miss Peach]

From what you described, it sounds like at best you weren't compatible and at worst he was a jerk.

 

What is it that's bothering you OP? Is it being freaked out about possibly being open to men? Or something with your GF?

 

FWIW I date both genders. I seem to get a lot of questions from both straight guys and lesbians on being bi but being bi is an option too.

[whoAAA]

So you had turned him down for a long time, meaning he had asked you out many times before (without success)? This guy doesn't sound very professional.

 

We are all human. We had kind of a connection at that point. We laughed a lot, talked about stuff just like 2 people who know each other for a long time. He was always very professional. He never did nothing wrong. He was the best doc I had. I'm Sorry I had to change docs in the end.

 

 

What is it that's bothering you OP? Is it being freaked out about possibly being open to men? Or something with your GF?

 

Two things.

1st: It bothers me that the first time I finally wanted to be with a guy everything failed, the timing was terrible and I am still crazy about this guy.

If I am opened to men, so be it.

 

2nd: My Gf. We have a nice life together. Future plans, investments, proprety, living space... We love each other but the thrill is gone. Instead, I feel it for someone else. It is wrong and now I doubt all my choices.