He left his wife and I feel like I owe him

[imaginarium]

I remet my boyfriend in October 2015. We dated for a couple of years in high school. I followed him to college but we broke up, so I spent the next 4 years running into him but we never really talked again. He was kind of a jerk to me, I'll admit when I found out he had a new girlfriend I hacked his email and changed the password. We were each other's first serious relationship and there was that level of an emotional bond tied into it, but again, once we broke up it was over.

 

So 15 years later, he Facebook messaged me that he was getting a divorce and would I ever feel like catching up. We had been fb friends and chit chatted a few times since we graduated college, so I knew he only dated me, another girl, and then the woman he married. They were together for 10 years. I never really found it in me to settle down, and have never been big on commitment, marriage, etc. We talked on and off for about a month, and finally met up one night.

 

It was absolutely nuts, though I know from being on here pretty common. The chemistry was amazing, so many old feelings surfaced. He told me he caught his wife cheating on him for the 3rd time a year prior, they hadn't had sex/slept in the same bed since. He tried to make it work but found out she was still cheating on Valentine's Day. To this day, I can't say that I totally trust his timelines. I know from these threads that MM say these things all the time, and though he let me read the journals he kept the summer before we got together and they do indicate divorce came up a lot, I also get the impression he still had one foot in the marriage until I showed up.

 

Anyway, when we got together I thought it would be a ONS, but he kept calling, setting up dates... I told him after 2 weeks I wouldn't pursue it further until the divorce was clearly moving forward, so he served her with papers within a week. I'm again guessing all the divorce talk from her may have been a front too, because she locked herself in her room with the papers and a bottle of tequila and threw a fit for an entire night. He found an apartment and moved out within 2 months of our first date, and the divorce was final a year ago next week. So he moved mountains to be with me.

 

What brings me here is that, while I know if he didn't really want to be with me he wouldn't have done all of that, it sometimes feels like he holds it over my head. He didn't fight for the house or most of the money they had invested in things together. He tells me it was because he didn't want to put me through a long, protracted divorce and have that hang over our relationship. But we are not compatible people. We weren't the first time either. We love each other very much, and I know he hates compromise and being wrong but he will compromise with me and admit (sometimes) when he's wrong. But sometimes the fights just get so intense, and I realize I feel like I can never leave because he gave up so much to make this relationship happen. And I know he's never really been alone and I get flighty after a year, so sometimes it seems like it's me trying to run because I'm afraid of commitment and him holding on because he's afraid of not having it.

 

I don't know. I see all these stories here of OW wishing they could just be with their MM, and while I never felt like those were the roles for us because he ended his marriage so fast, there are so many consequences and baggage after it's over. I feel like we can never have a truly honest relationship because "he left everything behind" for me and that's always going to trump any argument or legit reason to leave I'll ever have.

[Birdies]

No, eff that. If it's not working for you, you have every right to leave. You are the master of your own destiny and you only have one life.... put yourself first.

[somanymistakes]

Don't let him make you feel guilty. Sure, he 'gave up' things to be with you, but you gave up things for him too... your single freedom, if nothing else! Every relationship involves a certain amount of sacrifice.

 

You can leave if you need to. You can pull back and keep him at a distance if you need to. You can decide that you want a long-term relationship that doesn't involve living together! People live in all kinds of ways. You definitely don't have to become his devoted new wife if that's not you.

 

But definitely don't let the pressure of 'he gave up so much for me' get you down. It was his choice to do that... and if he's really so kind and sacrificing on your behalf he should be willing to talk about further compromises, surely?

[imaginarium]

To be fair, he has never expressly said "I gave up everything to be with you" as an argument ender. When he's said it it's been more of a "this is how much I love you" when he's been acting standoffish and I question if he's even into the relationship. But that still tells me it's something he thinks about, that's in his arsenal.

 

And he's not a bad guy and our relationship isn't bad. It's just he's an adrenaline junkie who lives his life like he could die tomorrow so have fun and make the most of it, and I'm far more of a responsible, stable kind of person. The more serious we get the more those two lifestyles butt heads, and I just feel like I owe it to him to make it work, which just makes me feel trapped. But also I have calmed down most of his self destructive tendencies, and he's gotten me to start stepping out of my comfort zone and stop taking everything so seriously. So it can be good, but I also understand that long term we may just be incompatible.

 

I'm sorry, I guess I'm just venting. It's hard to talk to anyone about that aspect of our relationship because it's not like we ever hid us being together or his divorce happening during it from anyone, but people get a little squeamish sometimes when I talk about being with him and him leaving his wife.

[Sampson]

You are projecting that he left because of you. And he is projecting that when he decided to finally file papers he had a safe bet on the outside of his 10yr marriage.

 

Let me break it down to reality, he and his wife for whatever reason unknown to you but through his own side divorced (affairs, finances, fights, or other). Before the final writing on the wall of that relationship he started to "check out" by contacting you and meeting up etc..

 

You did not cause him to leave his wife. You may have facilitated his justification for finally filing for divorce by offering companionship or the prospect of a future with you as a friend or more.

 

You owe him nothing he makes his own adult choices and so do you. Don't feel compelled or obligated. If it isn't right for you then make your choice as an adult.

[sandylee1]

His wife cheated on him 3 times! ... So he should have been ending the marriage with or without you, unless he wanted to be a doormat forever.

 

More fool him for walking away with nothing, when she was the one sleeping around.

 

He should have realised that even when it's all lovey dovey (like it was when he first got married), people can still screw you over, like his wife chose to over and over again.

 

If you've had enough, just tell him the reasons why and end amicably.

[BTDT2012]

You owe him nothing but to be truthful. By your own statement, you told him you wouldn't pursue it further unless he divorced. It sounds like he needs to learn how to be alone. And you said you have no real desire for a committed relationship.

[Ronni_W]

So 15 years later, he Facebook messaged me that he was getting a divorce <snip>

 

, while I know if he didn't really want to be with me he wouldn't have done all of that, it sometimes feels like he holds it over my head. He didn't fight for the house or most of the money they had invested in things together. He tells me it was because he didn't want to put me through a long, protracted divorce

If I understand you correctly, he messaged you 'that he was getting a divorce' BEFORE you met up with him for the first time after 15 years? If so, he got his divorce for himself, not 'to be with' you.

Further, HE was the one going through a divorce; HE is the one who did not want to go 'through a long, protracted' period of challenges, inconvenience and conflict with his now-ex wife.

 

Now he wants to put the blame and responsibility on you, for his own, voluntary, free-will decisions and choices; he is 'scapegoating' you...and, fortunately, it seems that you have clued-in, in time enough to not take on that negative, Soul-destroying role that he's trying to pin on you.

 

But. Given that he is doing it, it would certainly seem that he himself is no longer so enamored by his new set-up and may just be looking to manipulate/'back-door' his way out of this one, too. (By, ultimately, getting you to be the one to leave - so that he can blame you for that, also.)

[BuddyX]

You guys are not married. Take a break from him. Let him be alone. If he can't survive being alone, then he's not someone you want to commit to.

[cocorico]

You do not ever owe it to anybody to be with them. A R is a free choice between two people. Once you start sticking around due to obligation rather than choice, it's doomed.

[basil67]

I'm not sure if it's you or him, but someone is over exaggerating your role here.

 

His divorce was already in progress when he contacted you. He did not leave her for you. Sure, having you there probably made it all easier for him, but you do not owe him anything.

 

If you end it and he says something about having left his wife for you, remind him that he was already leaving her when you met him. And that he was right to leave her. Do not buy into any sob story he gives you.

[whichwayisup]

You don't owe him anything. If he left his wife and marriage behind hopefully it was because he wanted out and would rather be on his own than spend one more minute with his wife. If he left FOR you, and was hoping that you'd be there for him, to take him in and start a life with you, that's wrong and you are NOT obligated to stay with him.

 

You're free and single, can make your own decision and don't let him manipulate you or make you believe you 'owe' him. You don't!

[seren]

I would find it all a bit odd if someone walked away from a marriage without sorting out the financial side first, it was ongoing before he met you and I cannot help but wonder if his moving in so soon was convenient for him, given he left with nothing. If he isn't the person you want to be with, then say so before it becomes too tangled.