BF suddenly jealous of me & my best guy friend

[Space Ritual]

Thanks for your honest opinions, but I think I need to make something more clear. I really love my bf and would not do anything to hurt him. I met my bf about a year ago and we have an amazing connection. We spend 4-5 days out of the week together. I know that my bf also has female friends that he talks with and I haven’t felt jealous of any of them yet. I’ve even met a couple of his female friends at one of our hangouts but I wasn’t jealous at all because both of them are also in a relationship.

 

I met my best guy friend during my junior year and he is currently in an on/off relationship with someone. I’m not sure what their relationship is however, because I’ve never asked and I never met her. I think it’s a fwb relationship, but I’m not sure. I only dated Mark for one summer and no actual intercourse ever occurred. We both eventually realized that we didn’t want that kind of relationship, so we reverted to being friends and promised never to tell anyone about us. And this is part of the reason I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling my bf about our past.

 

Since my guy friend lives close to me and we have the same major, we spend around 2-3 days a week studying together or having coffee before class. We text but not nearly as much as I do with my bf.

 

But I can assure everyone that there is nothing but friendship now between Mark and I. My feelings for him are quite different than the feelings I have for my bf. I can feel it. I feel more like a sister with my guy friend, but like an actual woman when I’m with my bf.

 

I was just hoping that we could trust each other and not be snooping and spying on each other. I know it might look suspicious changing my p/w but I value my privacy and I respect my bf’s privacy as well. I was hoping that we could just understand that both of us might have some baggage from previous relationships, but that was in the past and should have no bearing on what we have with each other.

 

I sure hope somebody else isn't paying for your college. If this is the result of the critical thinking skills you have attained thus far through higher education, I would suggest they ask for a refund.

 

You simply do not get it. Your BF will never trust you because you have given him a major reason not to trust you. The onus is on you to prove that you actually are a safe person to be around. If I were you, the best course of action at this point would be to end the relationship. Because going forward, your behavior will call other aspects of your relationship into question, and you will be at a loss to understand why they do. And you will never arrive at the point where you figure out the fault lies not with others, but yourself.

 

I feel very sorry for your boyfriend.

[usa1ah]

Thanks for your honest opinions, but I think I need to make something more clear. I really love my bf and would not do anything to hurt him. I met my bf about a year ago and we have an amazing connection. We spend 4-5 days out of the week together. I know that my bf also has female friends that he talks with and I haven’t felt jealous of any of them yet. I’ve even met a couple of his female friends at one of our hangouts but I wasn’t jealous at all because both of them are also in a relationship.

 

I met my best guy friend during my junior year and he is currently in an on/off relationship with someone. I’m not sure what their relationship is however, because I’ve never asked and I never met her. I think it’s a fwb relationship, but I’m not sure. I only dated Mark for one summer and no actual intercourse ever occurred. We both eventually realized that we didn’t want that kind of relationship, so we reverted to being friends and promised never to tell anyone about us. And this is part of the reason I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling my bf about our past.

 

Since my guy friend lives close to me and we have the same major, we spend around 2-3 days a week studying together or having coffee before class. We text but not nearly as much as I do with my bf.

 

But I can assure everyone that there is nothing but friendship now between Mark and I. My feelings for him are quite different than the feelings I have for my bf. I can feel it. I feel more like a sister with my guy friend, but like an actual woman when I’m with my bf.

 

I was just hoping that we could trust each other and not be snooping and spying on each other. I know it might look suspicious changing my p/w but I value my privacy and I respect my bf’s privacy as well. I was hoping that we could just understand that both of us might have some baggage from previous relationships, but that was in the past and should have no bearing on what we have with each other.

 

I believe you. What I am saying is that one of your bf's friend could have seen you and your friend and said " they didn't look like just friends to me".

 

Something has set off your bf gut feeling that something is wrong. What was it?

[darkmoon]

touching, a little oral, etc?

 

the oral especially would upset me if I knew about it

 

dump Mark, Saint Mark, as you seem to see him, oooh, stop sticking up for him

[4x4storm]

Thanks for your honest opinions, but I think I need to make something more clear. I really love my bf and would not do anything to hurt him. I met my bf about a year ago and we have an amazing connection. We spend 4-5 days out of the week together. I know that my bf also has female friends that he talks with and I haven’t felt jealous of any of them yet. I’ve even met a couple of his female friends at one of our hangouts but I wasn’t jealous at all because both of them are also in a relationship.

 

I met my best guy friend during my junior year and he is currently in an on/off relationship with someone. I’m not sure what their relationship is however, because I’ve never asked and I never met her. I think it’s a fwb relationship, but I’m not sure. I only dated Mark for one summer and no actual intercourse ever occurred. We both eventually realized that we didn’t want that kind of relationship, so we reverted to being friends and promised never to tell anyone about us. And this is part of the reason I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling my bf about our past.

 

Since my guy friend lives close to me and we have the same major, we spend around 2-3 days a week studying together or having coffee before class. We text but not nearly as much as I do with my bf.

 

But I can assure everyone that there is nothing but friendship now between Mark and I. My feelings for him are quite different than the feelings I have for my bf. I can feel it. I feel more like a sister with my guy friend, but like an actual woman when I’m with my bf.

 

I was just hoping that we could trust each other and not be snooping and spying on each other. I know it might look suspicious changing my p/w but I value my privacy and I respect my bf’s privacy as well. I was hoping that we could just understand that both of us might have some baggage from previous relationships, but that was in the past and should have no bearing on what we have with each other.

 

Yep you sound exactly like my ex the more you ignore his feelings the more he will feel you don't care!

[hermitcrab]

But I can assure everyone that there is nothing but friendship now between Mark and I. My feelings for him are quite different than the feelings I have for my bf. I can feel it. I feel more like a sister with my guy friend, but like an actual woman when I’m with my bf.

 

I know for a fact that Mark and I are platonic friends because we’ve discussed this issue many times and it was definitely flirting before I met my BF. But I’ve noticed that since I’ve been with my BF I have toned down on the flirting and am now acting a lot more friendly towards him.

 

That's uhh.. not quite normal sisterly behavior.

[KBob]

I know for a fact that Mark and I are platonic friends because we’ve discussed this issue many times and it was definitely flirting before I met my BF. But I’ve noticed that since I’ve been with my BF I have toned down on the flirting and am now acting a lot more friendly towards him.(

 

Toned down? So it hasn't stopped. I have true platonic female friends and we don't flirt at all. You know why? Because we don't want to have sex with each other.

[kdukakis]

Thanks again for all of your honest input. I think the main thing here is to convince my bf that Mark is not a “threat”. But I’m not sure that I should tell my bf anything more about Mark if he doesn’t ask. I don’t think that telling him everything at this time would give him any peace.

 

Let me do some role play here. I'll be you bf... (heh heh). I have this gf, I really love her. But, I see this other girl Trudy maybe 3 -4 time a week. Sometimes we study together. Sometimes we go out for a cup of coffee... sometimes dinner. Anyway, Trudy used to be my gf back in the day. We never had intercourse, but we made out, kissed, and did oral (what does that mean...) on each other. I have never told my present gf about Trudy because it would just be too complicated. So now my present gf somehow found out about Trudy and is jealous, and asking all sorts of questions about my past that both me and my old gf would rather not answer. She doesn't trust me, and I think it is so unfair. How could my now gf be so jealous over my then gf Trudy? We only still regularly see each other, and though we have had oral (I will refuse to call it sex), we both know that it is in the past. Why can't my now gf just trust me and Trudy?

 

Yeah, right. Also, though you mention your bf is seeing other girls platonically and how you aren't jealous about it, were any of these girls he sees ones he has had sex with in the past? If I were your boyfriend for real, I would begin to pull away and eventually break up with you, as opposed to making myself crazy because of your secretive past with Mark... Also, I couldn't help but notice that although you have mentioned Mark by name many times, your BF is just 'bf'. Have you even thought to mention him(bf) by name even once (if you did it is lost in the noise of your rationalizations)? Nope, just Mark... I think Mark is your real boyfriend, not the guy you claim is you 'bf'.

 

Yes, I understand. I would also be jealous if my bf spend a lot of time and fooled around with his female friend in the past. But if that happened way back in high school and he is in a relationship, I wouldn’t be nearly as jealous at all. Remember, I only dated Mark briefly and that was like 2 years ago. And me and my bf basically spend a lot of time together now and I have cut down on time with my guy friend.

 

I think the suggestion that I have my bf meet Mark and get to know him is a great idea. They have a lot in common and I think that once they become friends my bf will understand the situation better. I’m thinking of seeing if Mark and his gf will go out on a sort of double date with me and my bf. Do you all think that this will help settle the situation with my bf?

 

Also, another issue is that I haven’t yet told Mark about my bf’s concerns about our relationship. The last thing I need is for our double date to be an awkward experience for all of us. I’m going to meet with Mark tomorrow for lunch and tell him what’s going on so that he doesn’t get caught off guard.

 

Again, thx for all the advice. Hopefully, this will go well and help alleviate my bf’s insecurities concerning my friend. And of course I’ll let you all know how it goes. Wish me luck!

[basil67]

Will you be telling your bf that you're meeting Mark tomorrow for lunch? If not, more sneaking around simply makes you look even less trustworthy.

[elaine567]

Men and women in long term relationships tend not to have close friendships with heterosexual people of the opposite sex, and they definitely do not usually have "friends" that they spend 2-3 days a week with. I know you want to be very "adult" here, and YOU know nothing is going on, but bfs will still get very jealous. It is a lot to do with sex and mate guarding, but it is also to do with basic insecurity too.

"Why are you spending so much time with HIM. What are you speaking about? Are you speaking about ME? And what are you telling HIM about ME."

Most do not cope well with that and once they let their imagination go wild, they decide to bail eventually.

 

Your bf will dump you sooner or later over this friendship with Mark, so you need to sort out who is most important to you.

[Friskyone4u]

Men and women in long term relationships tend not to have close friendships with heterosexual people of the opposite sex, and they definitely do not usually have "friends" that they spend 2-3 days a week with. I know you want to be very "adult" here, and YOU know nothing is going on, but bfs will still get very jealous. It is a lot to do with sex and mate guarding, but it is also to do with basic insecurity too.

"Why are you spending so much time with HIM. What are you speaking about? Are you speaking about ME? And what are you telling HIM about ME."

Most do not cope well with that and once they let their imagination go wild, they decide to bail eventually.

 

Your bf will dump you sooner or later over this friendship with Mark, so you need to sort out who is most important to you.

 

 

Read the last sentence above. You are obviously determined to keep your "soulmate" best friend Mark regardless of how it effects your relationship. While it is obvious you are going to ignore what everyone is telling you here, when you are in a COMMITTED relationship your relationships with other members of the opposite sex do not remain exactly the same as if you were single, especially if it is someone you have had sexual relations with. And sorry, giving Mark a BJ is sex in case you have not figured that out yet.

 

You did not answer the question when someone asked you if you were going to tell your boyfriend you were again meeting Mark for lunch. So basically, you and Mark are going to try to figure out a way to convince your boyfriend to let you two hang out alone together like nothing ever happened.

 

And one last thing. When you are in a committed relationship that is supposed to be exclusive, you do not have secrets and the more involved it gets the less secrets you should have. You have some growing up to do, you are young, and I think most of us will would bet a large amount of money that your boyfriend will eventually grow tired of sharing you emotionally or physically with Mark and dump you.

 

If you bother to read a lot of the stories on forums like this you will easily see how many marriages and relationships get ruined over crossing the line with supposedly platonic friends. And men who find a woman sexually appealing at age 22 do not stop thinking with the brain below their waist, especially since he had a sample.

 

You might want to read a book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. But unless your thought process changes, you have decided Mark is more important than your boyfriend and that you will have both Mark when and how you want it and your boyfriend. Problem is your boyfriend ain't going to agree with that

[KBob]

Thanks again for all of your honest input. I think the main thing here is to convince my bf that Mark is not a “threat”. But I’m not sure that I should tell my bf anything more about Mark if he doesn’t ask. I don’t think that telling him everything at this time would give him any peace.

 

You're still not getting it. You're still planning on lying by omission! You need to come clean about EVERYTHING, not just about what he asks you. You are not in charge of managing his emotions, the way he reacts and feels to situations is his job. All you can do is be honest and see what happens.

 

Honestly, from what I've seen from you here, I'd dump you in a heartbeat over this.

[fireflywy]

Thanks again for all of your honest input. I think the main thing here is to convince my bf that Mark is not a “threat”. But I’m not sure that I should tell my bf anything more about Mark if he doesn’t ask. I don’t think that telling him everything at this time would give him any peace.

 

 

 

Yes, I understand. I would also be jealous if my bf spend a lot of time and fooled around with his female friend in the past. But if that happened way back in high school and he is in a relationship, I wouldn’t be nearly as jealous at all. Remember, I only dated Mark briefly and that was like 2 years ago. And me and my bf basically spend a lot of time together now and I have cut down on time with my guy friend.

 

I think the suggestion that I have my bf meet Mark and get to know him is a great idea. They have a lot in common and I think that once they become friends my bf will understand the situation better. I’m thinking of seeing if Mark and his gf will go out on a sort of double date with me and my bf. Do you all think that this will help settle the situation with my bf?

 

Also, another issue is that I haven’t yet told Mark about my bf’s concerns about our relationship. The last thing I need is for our double date to be an awkward experience for all of us. I’m going to meet with Mark tomorrow for lunch and tell him what’s going on so that he doesn’t get caught off guard.

 

Again, thx for all the advice. Hopefully, this will go well and help alleviate my bf’s insecurities concerning my friend. And of course I’ll let you all know how it goes. Wish me luck!

 

Wow. So we all pretty much tell you that this Mark situation is absolutely no good and some say to drop Mark completely because it has now gotten too complicated. However you won't do it. Your boyfriend is NOW 110% JUSTIFIED in any actions he may have done and how he feels. You are being VERY selfish and your protests about how great your BF is are not matched by any action on your part as having Mark is more important.

 

Your BF needs to drop you pronto. You will not be a faithful person to him or anyone else if this current issue is any indication. The Ghost of Christmas Future sees you single in many future relationships if you don't change your ways.

[Space Ritual]

I think the suggestion that I have my bf meet Mark and get to know him is a great idea. They have a lot in common and I think that once they become friends my bf will understand the situation better. I’m thinking of seeing if Mark and his gf will go out on a sort of double date with me and my bf. Do you all think that this will help settle the situation with my bf?

 

Also, another issue is that I haven’t yet told Mark about my bf’s concerns about our relationship. The last thing I need is for our double date to be an awkward experience for all of us. I’m going to meet with Mark tomorrow for lunch and tell him what’s going on so that he doesn’t get caught off guard.

 

 

So you will go out of your way to make Mark feel at ease but your boyfriend is another matter altogether?

 

Can you explain to us exactly how that and/or a double date is going to aid in resolving this issue?

 

Exactly what in the hell do you want from us other than hoping some fool comes along and tells you this is a perfect plan? If you keep floating out your replies long enough you'll get what you want I guess.

 

What you should actually be worried about is that your boyfriend does not have enough of this and up goes upside Mark's head, or worse yet, yours. It is not beyond the realm of possibility for that to happen. At the rate you are going it is fast becoming more of a probability than a possibility something like that will happen.

 

At first I thought maybe you were just inexperienced in relationships. Then I thought maybe you were just blissfully ignorant and really didn't know what the consequences of your actions would be.

 

Now i just think you are enjoying doing this to your boyfriend and like the thrill of the drama associated with it.

 

You need to grow up before you get tuned up. People respond a lot differently than you expect when they are made fools of.

[preraph]

If you are good friends with anyone, your boyfriend should be invited to interact and get to know them. But you've been hiding this one. When the situation is reversed, I always tell women who find out about this same type thing with their men to invite the woman to dinner and get to know her because you will either become friends and come to like the person or they will be intimidated and maybe go away because they ARE guilty of being after the guy who's taken, and it will also make the guy who's taken realize he can't get away with it anymore because now the wifey wants to be friends with his woman he's got waiting in the wings.

 

So I'm telling you that unless you can feel comfortable inviting your guy friend and his date to dinner, either in or out, with you and your man, then you are betraying your man. If you and the friend can both enjoy being around your man and get along as buddies, then problem solved. If anyone is uncomfortable about that, then then they are sneaking around and don't have pure friendly motives. Having everyone to dinner together will cut through the crap in a hurry, so do it and then you'll know what you have to do.