Toni_no12002 Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 well i suppose everyones heard this all before about men looking at porn and at other women .well my boyfriend did it and i cant forget it i keep comparing myself to every woman i see and always think there better than me.my boyfriend tells me he loves me but he looked at all them cheap tarts on the net.they all look so perfect.he also still sometimes stares at women down the street all skinny and really pretty.im not exactly that attractive and im a bit on the big side.he tells me he loves me as i am but he looks at only skinny women.and im not.he thinks ican just block it all out of my head but ive had issues in the past which have left me feeling that i dont trust people very easily and i dont have much self confidence.i get annoyed when he stares at women on tv which is pathetic but i do because i look at them and look at me and i look awful.i always wonder what he thinks of them.he says he likes britney spears n louise redknapp.have you seen these people !!!how can i compare!i do know i have a problem.i wish i could just change overnight the way i am but i cant.my feelings wont go away.hes a lovely bloke thats why im trying to help myself but nothings helping can anyone suggest anything? and please no stupid comments!im on here to get help and the last thing i want is for someone to say grow up all men look get over it! please someone help! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Instead of men growing up, women need to. If you think your boyfriend is so shallow that the only reason he loves you is for how you look, or that he would fall out of love with you because someone looks better, then you are one more victim of the looks-obsession that the fashion industry has successfully foisted on North Americans. People don't bother with worrying about their character anymore. It's all appearance. Do you only love him because of how he looks? Of course not. Does watching a Brad Pitt movie make you love your bf any less? Of course not. Men aren't shallow idiots (well at least many men aren't) and if you have a shallow idiot who would actually fall in love with some picture on the Internet, you wouldn't need him anyway. Forget what the porn women look like. Concentrate on being the best gf you can be - you have nothing to fear from a bunch of pictures. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted July 22, 2005 Author Share Posted July 22, 2005 i know its stupid but as ive said i cant just change my feelings.its because im so down on myself i think.i never said he was shallow or anything like that.i just dont want people thinking im some sort of bitch for asking him to stop looking at porn.he said he would.i may sound like some cow but i wanted him to stop because i felt so low about it.i do understand that if i look at another man on the tv or something that it doesnt mean that i love him or anything i just get jelous!and paranoid yes i know its stupid!but i want to know how i can stop this.im doing this for him just as much as me.also for our little boy.i wish so many people whouldnt tell me how wrong im being all the time.i KNOW.!dont you reckon ive punished myself for feeling this way!sorry to get angry im just sick of being so jelous,insecure,paranoid and down on myself all the time.i cant be bothered to get up in the mornings sometimes.please any advice?!?!?!!?! Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Toni - you know you have some self-esteem issues and those are yours to work out. focus on that. it's more important than you're giving it credit to be. this is not the only issue that it will affect in your relationship and life and probably already has affected your life in many ways Outcast is right, your bf doesn't love you for your looks....and seeing a Brad Pitt movie doesn't make you love your bf any less. Men look, women look, it's human nature. Instead of getting upset that he's telling you how hot Brittney Spears is, tell him how hot you think Jude Law is...i mean come on, what a stud muffin Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 after reading your last post it's clear you know you have some big issues to deal with and you know that it's unreasonable of you to ask your boyfriend to stop. i think you should consider therapy or at least read some self-help books. Link to post Share on other sites
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Originally posted by Toni_no12002 he tells me he loves me as i am You need to open your ears and listen to HIM .. Forget about the tarts on tv and the street You are basing your self worth on what YOU think HE needs or wants.. Listen to HIM. You should be impressed with the fact that he told you he loved you the way you are.. A lot of guys wouldn't have said that Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Why do men never think? Obviously it's because our brains are in our balls..... This is what you want to hear. You want an excuse for your plight and to blame men and other women for your hurt is an easy outlet. There is no easy outlet for low self esteem. If you truly believe you have no worth and these picture people are so much better than you and you can't compete then you will live a unfulfilling and sad life. Your problem is within yourself and has nothing to do with your b/f. You can wallow in self pity or decide you are the most important person you know. You are smart, funny, sexy, kind, loving and any guy would be lucky to be with you. Don't sell yourself short or everyone will trample you.... Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Originally posted by Toni_no12002 i know its stupid but as ive said i cant just change my feelings.its because im so down on myself i think.i never said he was shallow or anything like that.i just dont want people thinking im some sort of bitch for asking him to stop looking at porn.he said he would.i may sound like some cow but i wanted him to stop because i felt so low about it.i do understand that if i look at another man on the tv or something that it doesnt mean that i love him or anything i just get jelous!and paranoid yes i know its stupid!but i want to know how i can stop this.im doing this for him just as much as me.also for our little boy.i wish so many people whouldnt tell me how wrong im being all the time.i KNOW.!dont you reckon ive punished myself for feeling this way!sorry to get angry im just sick of being so jelous,insecure,paranoid and down on myself all the time.i cant be bothered to get up in the mornings sometimes.please any advice?!?!?!!?! You need to seek therapy and you NEED to look within for why you are feeling this way. Nothing anyone else can do will make you feel better about yourself. You need to do that for yourself otherwise you will just continue on feeling the way you do. Trust me. I used to feel insecure and always seek external approval for how I looked/felt, etc... The problem with that is that the more I would do that, the more my self-esteem went up and down like a rollercoaster. Finally, I got fed up with all the bs and decided to do something to help myself feel better about myself. After a lot of work/heartache, etc... I'm finally starting to see that every thought I have is up to me. It doesn't matter what anyone else does or says. I have the power to choose what to believe. If someone else thinks my body is not "up to par" with how it should be, that's their problem. I'm happy with me. I'm the best that I want to be, physically. I'm not saying that everything is a bed of roses from here on out but at least I will NEVER, I repeat NEVER, value myself according to what someone else says or does "to me." And my life is now 1000 times better now that I know that. It's all in how you perceive things. Think about it. On the best days you have had, what is the common denomenator??? I'll bet if you look closely, you will see that YOU were the common denominator. You existed before your b/f and you will continue to exist after. For me, it took getting dumped, getting fired, getting "rejected" by people I thought were my friends to pull my shi!t together and to see that it was up to ME to change. Otherwise, I would spend my whole life living like a puppet dancing to someone else's command. Do you really want to give away your power like that? You have to take responsibility for how you feel. Rather than say "I can't just change my feelings" do something to change your feelings. See a counsellor. Join group therapy. Go to the gym. Do things that make you feel better about you. Write down all the things you can do to make yourself happy (and ideally, they should not involve other people). Raise your own self-esteem. You are obviously stuck in a pattern and you will continue until you CHOOSE to do something to change it. What happens if your boyfriend leaves you? Are you going to base your whole existence on HIS behaviour? Trust me, the more you look externally, the worse you are going to end up feeling. Please at least consider some of these thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 i cant just change my feelings. You absolutely can and unless you want to live your whole life in misery, you will. Listen to what the others said - it IS possible for you to take back your power and you need to start doing that. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted July 22, 2005 Share Posted July 22, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear Why do men never think? Obviously it's because our brains are in our balls..... This is what you want to hear. You want an excuse for your plight and to blame men and other women for your hurt is an easy outlet. There is no easy outlet for low self esteem. If you truly believe you have no worth and these picture people are so much better than you and you can't compete then you will live a unfulfilling and sad life. Your problem is within yourself and has nothing to do with your b/f. You can wallow in self pity or decide you are the most important person you know. You are smart, funny, sexy, kind, loving and any guy would be lucky to be with you. Don't sell yourself short or everyone will trample you.... Marshbear has a v. good point here. Wallow or change. It's up to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted July 23, 2005 Author Share Posted July 23, 2005 can i ask is it ok for men to stare at other people when i am there?even though he can see it hurts me?yes i know he hasnt gone blind but it trully does upset me why would he do that if he trully loves me for the sake of some woman whos half dressed who he doesnt know at all?i know this is my problem but he could help me out by not looking while i am there.am i not good enough for him to do that for me?most men will probably think im controlling him but you cant be any more wrong!men never understand properly,like women will never trully understand why men do things they do.but cant anyone see it from my point of view? Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted July 23, 2005 Share Posted July 23, 2005 I can see your problem. If you talk to him and tell him that it bothers you when he ogled other women in your presence and he doesn't see your issue then he is a pig and your better off without him. Just don't let your jealousy go to far because the green monster will kill a relationship. He should see your view and comply. I would not ogle a women if my g/f said it bothered her when she was around. You deserve the same respect.... Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted July 23, 2005 Share Posted July 23, 2005 Originally posted by Toni_no12002 can i ask is it ok for men to stare at other people when i am there?even though he can see it hurts me?yes i know he hasnt gone blind but it trully does upset me why would he do that if he trully loves me for the sake of some woman whos half dressed who he doesnt know at all?i know this is my problem but he could help me out by not looking while i am there.am i not good enough for him to do that for me?most men will probably think im controlling him but you cant be any more wrong!men never understand properly,like women will never trully understand why men do things they do.but cant anyone see it from my point of view? Toni, how old are you?? I can see it from your point of view. And I still think that when you build your confidence all the dynamics of this will change. You will know your boundaries and what you will accept and not accept and you will not look at it in the way of "am I not good enough for him to do that for me." You will realize that it has nothing to do with you being good enough and instead you will see it as a sign of disrespect. If he is looking at porn in front of you and it bothers you and you've told him this, then he has crossed a line. And either (a) you accept his actions and put up or (b) you realize that you can't tolerate this in a relationship and you tell him to take a hike. If I sound harsh, I'm not trying to. I'm just trying to show you how clear this whole thing can be if you are willing to see it. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted July 23, 2005 Share Posted July 23, 2005 Originally posted by Marshbear I can see your problem. If you talk to him and tell him that it bothers you when he ogled other women in your presence and he doesn't see your issue then he is a pig and your better off without him. Just don't let your jealousy go to far because the green monster will kill a relationship. He should see your view and comply. I would not ogle a women if my g/f said it bothered her when she was around. You deserve the same respect.... hahaha, we keep double posting Marsh. I feel like I'm repeating what you said..... but maybe hearing something twice isn't so bad....... Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted July 23, 2005 Share Posted July 23, 2005 Originally posted by SummerRae hahaha, we keep double posting Marsh. I feel like I'm repeating what you said..... but maybe hearing something twice isn't so bad....... Great minds think alike....SummerRae. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted July 23, 2005 Share Posted July 23, 2005 - watching porn or looking at women in magazines or on tv = ok - glancing at women on the street, in the stores, etc when you're not around = ok (even though we all wish it didn't happen it's natural) - staring at other women in your presence = NOT ok Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted July 23, 2005 Author Share Posted July 23, 2005 hi thanks to everyone for posting.im 20 nearly 21 btw .the thing is my boyfriend is a really lovely person and he treats me so nice always buying me flowers telling me he loves me etc,and i feel awful for always nagging on at him.i also half a 6 month old baby boy who i love with all my heart and i dont want him to see me this way.people keep saying either wallow or change but trut me its not that easy since ive had low self esteem since i was about 12 or 13.i went to school with my next door neighbour who was suppost to be my best friend but she treat me like her slave.she would fall out with me for the littlest things and make everyone else fall out with me to.i had acne when i was at school so i become extremley shy because of her and because of what i looked like.things got worse and every little comment i took to heart even if it was a joke.things got better when i left school and went to college as she wasnt there any more but its still with me.and i feel i cant trust anyone as she was supposed to be my best friend and she treat me like that.its not that easy to just change i cant just click my fingers and suddenly become this outgoing person because if i could i would have done that by now.to all those people that said to change how can i go about building my self confidence.ive tried loads of things like looking in the mirror and telling myself im not a nobody and stuff but it just doesnt work as the slighest little thing would knock me right back down again.so what can i do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted July 23, 2005 Author Share Posted July 23, 2005 hi thanks to everyone for posting.im 20 nearly 21 btw .the thing is my boyfriend is a really lovely person and he treats me so nice always buying me flowers telling me he loves me etc,and i feel awful for always nagging on at him.i also half a 6 month old baby boy who i love with all my heart and i dont want him to see me this way.people keep saying either wallow or change but trut me its not that easy since ive had low self esteem since i was about 12 or 13.i went to school with my next door neighbour who was suppost to be my best friend but she treat me like her slave.she would fall out with me for the littlest things and make everyone else fall out with me to.i had acne when i was at school so i become extremley shy because of her and because of what i looked like.things got worse and every little comment i took to heart even if it was a joke.things got better when i left school and went to college as she wasnt there any more but its still with me.and i feel i cant trust anyone as she was supposed to be my best friend and she treat me like that.its not that easy to just change i cant just click my fingers and suddenly become this outgoing person because if i could i would have done that by now.to all those people that said to change how can i go about building my self confidence.ive tried loads of things like looking in the mirror and telling myself im not a nobody and stuff but it just doesnt work as the slighest little thing would knock me right back down again.so what can i do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted July 23, 2005 Author Share Posted July 23, 2005 hi thanks to everyone for posting.im 20 nearly 21 btw .the thing is my boyfriend is a really lovely person and he treats me so nice always buying me flowers telling me he loves me etc,and i feel awful for always nagging on at him.i also half a 6 month old baby boy who i love with all my heart and i dont want him to see me this way.people keep saying either wallow or change but trut me its not that easy since ive had low self esteem since i was about 12 or 13.i went to school with my next door neighbour who was suppost to be my best friend but she treat me like her slave.she would fall out with me for the littlest things and make everyone else fall out with me to.i had acne when i was at school so i become extremley shy because of her and because of what i looked like.things got worse and every little comment i took to heart even if it was a joke.things got better when i left school and went to college as she wasnt there any more but its still with me.and i feel i cant trust anyone as she was supposed to be my best friend and she treat me like that.its not that easy to just change i cant just click my fingers and suddenly become this outgoing person because if i could i would have done that by now.to all those people that said to change how can i go about building my self confidence.ive tried loads of things like looking in the mirror and telling myself im not a nobody and stuff but it just doesnt work as the slighest little thing would knock me right back down again.so what can i do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted July 23, 2005 Author Share Posted July 23, 2005 oops sorry dont know why it came up so many times Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.positive Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 You should take there advice. If you want to change you can start listening right now Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted August 9, 2005 Author Share Posted August 9, 2005 its not that easy.i can listen and hink yeah maybe there right at the time but when it comes to it i get upset again.i cant just turn my felings off like a switch Link to post Share on other sites
GrantMeSerenity Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 I haven't read all of the replies, though I did read many. But I haven't read all of them, because they all pretty much mirrored eachother. So if I'm stepping on someones toes with my reply, I apologize. I really think it is unfair to just say "well, men will look at porn, and woman should be okay with it. If not, you have no self esteem, and you need to deal with it yourself." It's fine if the woman is okay with it, and the man has discussed it with his partner. That's fine, because both partners are okay with it. But if someone is not okay with it for whatever the reason is, it shouldn't be an issue to not look at it. And if it is, it's something that should be talked about so that both people are left feeling alright. Most people who try to defend looking at porn usually say that it's 'no big deal.' If it's "no big deal" to them, but a very big deal to their partner...why does it even have to be an issue to not look at it? Obviously it's a bigger deal than they're letting on. And if not, it should be no problem to understand that your partner is not okay with it. Relationships are full of compromise...and if you continue to do something that you know hurts your partner, I think that's very selfish. Espeically when you see it as "no big deal." Even if it is a self esteem problem the woman has and that's the reason why she's not okay with it...why is that so terrible? I'm not saying it's fine to wallow in having no self esteem, and that should be the end-all-be-all excuse. But it's hard to build up your self esteem when your partner is looking at other woman, espeically in a sexual way. Whether or not he's attracted to them, whether or not he "wants" them...the fact is, he is looking at woman sexually. That's really hard for some people to deal with, and I don't think you should just have to 'suck it up' and deal with it on your own. That's not what a relationship is to me. If he had a problem with something I was doing (not just with porn, but with anything) I would want to work it out so we're both left feeling okay with how things are. I'm not saying you don't have to work on yourself if the issue is internal. It's easy to say "you can wallow, or change"...but the whole time you're trying, your partner is still doing the thing that hurts you. If your partner is adding to the problem, I think that should be addressed. I think the person you're with should care about your feelings and try to help you. Not tell you it's 'your problem' and continue to do what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toni_no12002 Posted August 10, 2005 Author Share Posted August 10, 2005 i aggree.it is true about why cant men not look at it if its no big deal?it must be otherwise they wouldnt keep saying it means nothing and even though it upsets there partners they carry on doing it.also it isnt that easy to get my self confidence back when my boyfriend carries on looking at these women and it IS in a seual way otherwise why not look at cars or something?or other men at that matter Link to post Share on other sites
TnT Posted August 10, 2005 Share Posted August 10, 2005 I know how u r feeling, and i think alot of women all around the world do it. I sometimes get upset at the same issues to, and think that i need to build up my self esteem. I know my man loves me for who i am, and i have been blessed with a nice body, but just realsing this was my first step. This may sound a little strange, but one way i have delt with it is looking at the women. Us women are beautiful and i think its a good thing to realsie the attriubutes which makes someone attractive. Instead of comparing, look at how pretty their eyes are and appreciate their beauty. But while doing that, u need to c the beauty u have, outside and in. When i was younger, i use to have issues with my body, i was always a nice size, but always wanted to change. I read somewhere that to help with accepting ur outside appearance, (and this may sound very silly) stand infront of the mirror naked and just look. the more u look at ur body, the more u accept it, well it helped in my situation. I also asked my friends what atributes they thought were attractive about me, my eyes and smile turned out to come out ontop. I also believe if u have take good care of ur hair, and u feel sexy with ur hair, thats going to help to. I know all this sounds really strange, but i have found that it all helps, i recently died my hair black to accentuate my eyes, and people certainlly notice. I wear clothes which make me feel attractive and confident to. Hope this helped. Link to post Share on other sites
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