The post that I hoped I'd never have to write.

[salparadise]

This is a post that I hoped I'd never have to write. My wonderful, beautiful relationship is over. I though perhaps that she would be my life partner. I am left lonely and heartbroken, having a hard time eating and sleeping. I have dissonance because the way she did it was cruel and I didn't get any closure. It sucks. No one to talk to either. It's been two weeks and I'm just now able to write about it.

 

Seventeen months together and we never fought or argued. The only two times we had any differences it was about theoretical-philosophical stuff and nothing between us personally. We said I love you's all the time. We talked about the future. We never went to sleep without texting sweet things and good nites at bedtime. We has great sex twice a week, and every other weekend it would be 4-6 times from Friday evening to Sunday morning. We had Thanksgiving dinner together with our kids. We agreed on almost everything (almost). I pushed through my vulnerability anxiety and allowed myself to love deeply, without restraint. I would've done anything for her.

 

On Saturday night we had tickets for a concert. There's a parking garage for the venue but neither of us were carrying cash, only cards. I dropped her off and parked where I thought it was ok, but my car got towed away. We ducked into a fast food joint to keep warm and I called the police to find out where the car might be. They were giving me numbers but I didn't have a pen. I asked the cashier and she kind of blew me off––"I don't have one." I turned around and rolled my eyes and mouthed her words. The a little later, after a cold brisk walk, I gave some guy a huge amount of money to get my car back. He asked for my phone number and I said, "you've got my money, you don't need a phone number." He looked at her and she gave him her number. We went back to my place. Few words were spoken on the way back. When we got inside she said she was angry with me for how I behaved. She thought it was egregious. I didn't then and still don't. She left and said we'll talk tomorrow. Next day she said she needed a few more days. Two days later she texted me, "Sal, I need to end our relationship. I'm sorry." We texted a bit more. She said that she'd never get over it. She refused to meet or talk on the phone. Said she knew that I'd try to talk her out of it, but she was ending it and that's final.

 

So what I can't get over, even though I've accepted the factual part, is how someone who was invested in a relationship like this could switch it off in an instant, and be so heartless as to refuse to even talk. A text message –– after 17 months of pure happiness. I don't get it. It simply doesn't compute. Something flipped a switch in her that night, or else she had been faking it the whole time. People in love the way I thought we were don't do this sh*t to each other.

 

Three possible theories:

 

1. pretending to be "in love" when she actually has no ability submit to love

2. resentment based on me being a "****ing white man" and her known resentment of based on feminist crap

3. extremely insecure of her own judgement such that everything is tedious and tenuous, and one little thing can make her flip

 

I guess the other possibility is that my behavior was egregious and unforgivable, but no voices were raised, no arguments occurred, no names called... it was just understandable frustration given the circumstances (from my perspective). But regardless, she sees it as justification to end the relationship and has no qualms about how she did it. It's phukking madding. Thoughts?

Edited February 9, 2017 by salparadise

[Jj66]

Sorry to hear this. The discontent had to be going on beforehand and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

[ReformedPUA]

Wow. First of all, I am sorry to hear, sal. From how you described it, your behaviour hardly sounded over-the-line.

 

Does your ex-girlfriend have triggers that would cause her to make so much of this incident? An example of a trigger would be a guy who has been cheated on by his ex-wife getting irrationally upset if his girlfriend after his divorce flirts w say the waiter...

[preraph]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. You are always a voice of hope and reason on this forum.

 

Not nitpicking, but first you said you had no money and then you said you paid a guy a bunch of money, so if you don't mind clarifying. I guess she was mad at you for being snippy with the guy? Just trying to get the whole picture.

 

Were you really stirred up and mad the whole time? Anyone who has been in a fighting household, it can really scare them if someone gets mad, even when it's justified. And then anyone who is not at all used to a fighting household can also be totally freaked out, at the other end of the spectrum.

 

I've always said one of the things you need to do before you marry someone is see how they are when their car breaks down, so this is similar. Because I have seen people go ballistic over things like that, especially if there's some humiliation factor in it, which there was with this.

 

Either she got really freaked out seeing this side of you for the reasons stated above or she has been kind of on the fence for awhile and this pushed her over.

 

I will confess to you that I once broke up with someone after four years because on the way to a date, I went inside his house real quick to use the bathroom and saw that the guinae pig cage was covered and peeked inside and he was not cleaning the cage. I went and got in the car and didn't get two blocks before I knew it was over. Animals are my hot button. But our relationship had become pointless anyway. If I'd felt the relationship was right, I'd have harangued him day and night to change his ways and guilted him into caring for those little animals and gave him one more chance. But it was time.

 

Give her a little time. She might settle down. I would see if she'll tell you why it bothered her so much, but she may just not want to talk, I know. I never talked to mine again until I ran into him out of town by accident, and then only briefly. Too sensitive.

 

That was definitely not your night. So sorry. Hang in there.

[salparadise]

Sorry to hear this. The discontent had to be going on beforehand and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

That would be a reasonable assumption, if it were not for all the affirming, reassuring, affectionate words that continued to be said right up until this unfortunate turn of events. But as I've said before, on paper she's kinda out of my league. Younger, more attractive, PhD vs. BA, responsible job, makes more money, etc. But she always denied that these things were important to her. If she was discontent, then she was faking it and allowing me to become highly invested in something that to her was paper thin.

 

 

Wow. First of all, I am sorry to hear, sal. From how you described it, your behaviour hardly sounded over-the-line.

 

Does your ex-girlfriend have triggers that would cause her to make so much of this incident? An example of a trigger would be a guy who has been cheated on by his ex-wife getting irrationally upset if his girlfriend after his divorce flirts w say the waiter...

 

Nothing specific that I know of. She a feminist and I know there is some underlying resentment of white men, although she would deny that it's generalized and applied to individuals who aren't trying to take advantage of their privilege. It's possible that she could've viewed the events through that lens.

 

She is sensitive and anxious. She's insecure about making poor choices for herself, particularly with regard to men I think. Her ex-husband cheated on her and left her for a younger woman (one of his students) who she says was involved n prostitution. She says he's a narcissist... and she is actually qualified to diagnose.

 

But nothing like a history of verbal or physical abuse or anything like that.

[salparadise]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. You are always a voice of hope and reason on this forum.

 

Thanks, the way I'm feeling now I'll take all the validation I can get

 

Not nitpicking, but first you said you had no money and then you said you paid a guy a bunch of money, so if you don't mind clarifying. I guess she was mad at you for being snippy with the guy? Just trying to get the whole picture

.

 

Right. They wouldn't take a card at the parking garage, but the towing company ran my card to the tune of a few hundred. Should be illegal. She saw it as me being rude to a guy who was probably working late for minimum wage to pay his way through college. And the cashier... same deal.

 

Were you really stirred up and mad the whole time? Anyone who has been in a fighting household, it can really scare them if someone gets mad, even when it's justified. And then anyone who is not at all used to a fighting household can also be totally freaked out, at the other end of the spectrum.

 

I was tense and frustrated, yes. Was I yelling and cursing, no.

 

I've always said one of the things you need to do before you marry someone is see how they are when their car breaks down, so this is similar. Because I have seen people go ballistic over things like that, especially if there's some humiliation factor in it, which there was with this.

 

Yes, this was humiliating for sure. And worst of all I feel bad that I was having to put her through it, ruining our special night out.

 

Either she got really freaked out seeing this side of you for the reasons stated above or she has been kind of on the fence for awhile and this pushed her over.

 

She would say the former. She did say that. But I felt like I was fairly contained given the circumstances. From my perspective she turned it into a HUGE thing in her mind and chose the nuclear option. Said she'd never get over it, and trying to continue would be a waste of time.

 

Give her a little time. She might settle down. I would see if she'll tell you why it bothered her so much, but she may just not want to talk, I know. I never talked to mine again until I ran into him out of town by accident, and then only briefly. Too sensitive.

 

I don't think she's going to give me a chance to talk, much less reconcile. She's put hard edges on it. She's already online shopping for a replacement. She told me she did basically the same to the guy before me, although they did do the on/off again a few times. Said she quit responding to texts or taking his calls.

 

That was definitely not your night. So sorry. Hang in there.

 

That's the understatement of the year. I sent her a text trying to be lighthearted and said I'd never be without a $5 bill in my pocket for the rest of my life.

 

Thanks Preraph, it helps to get other's perspective. I'm still in knots over it.

[gaius]

I think the main offense was probably not checking ahead for parking, not finding an atm and grabbing cash, just not being a leader in general. Then not cooperating with the tow company to the point she felt like she had to step in. I mean, she might be liberally indoctrinated to the point she goes around yacking about white privilege on a regular basis but she's still a woman. =/ She want's a leader.

 

Sorry that happened, but you gotta be able to take care of things as they come up, in a sexy and strong way, not just carry a 5 dollar bill around in your pocket. Or else no woman is going to value you. =/ Which she didn't if she dumped you like that.

[Sweetfish]

Sal. First, i want to say it really truly sucks the position you have been put in and I would never expect a thread like this would come from you. Losing some one you love and care about hurts... but what hurts is the way its done without empathy or compassion.

 

Now that you have experienced it first hand you can see clearly what I've been posting and the reality. Men and women do not love the same and they will bail no matter how caring, loving, and understanding you are.. no matter how invested or how much your a team... you can always be cut and traded at the expense of their feelings. You will be left with wtf just happened.

 

This is exactly what I explain to many men who come here... many women will breakup with you and devalue you and will have NO empathy exactly how a healthy child will behave and go into black and white thinking.

 

Any interaction during this time will push you further in a hole.

 

This is the reality many people refuse to believe until they see it them selves..

[Marc878]

If you chase they move farther away.

 

Give her what she sad for. No contact

 

Odd behavior not much time invested. You maybe better off.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This really can't be it, I mean the incident you described as the real reason for the break up.

 

I am always suspicious of couples that never argue. Usually it means that at least one is suppressing their needs and building resentment OR that one is so checked out and indifferent that they don't care enough to argue.

 

She was likely never invested enough and was looking for an excuse to break up. I did that in my younger days and it's not something I am proud of. People that are deeply in love don't move on just like that. It's not really possible.

[jay1983]

Damn sal, IDK what to tell you other than this sh*t happens all the time. One day you're hot, next day you're not. That feminist stuff was a red flag for sure. Surprising thing is the age group, I know you're around 50.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sal. First, i want to say it really truly sucks the position you have been put in and I would never expect a thread like this would come from you. Losing some one you love and care about hurts... but what hurts is the way its done without empathy or compassion.

 

Now that you have experienced it first hand you can see clearly what I've been posting and the reality. Men and women do not love the same and they will bail no matter how caring, loving, and understanding you are.. no matter how invested or how much your a team... you can always be cut and traded at the expense of their feelings. You will be left with wtf just happened.

 

This is exactly what I explain to many men who come here... many women will breakup with you and devalue you and will have NO empathy exactly how a healthy child will behave and go into black and white thinking.

 

Any interaction during this time will push you further in a hole.

 

This is the reality many people refuse to believe until they see it them selves..

 

This is so not true. Look around at the threads on here. Men bail all the time, after professing their undying love.

 

Men and women that are truly in love are very much the same. Just as men and women that aren't truly in love act the same. The problem is that there are *people* out there that pretend that they are in love either consciously or subconsciously for various reasons. These are people that bail at the drop of a hat.

[Blanco]

I am always suspicious of couples that never argue. Usually it means that at least one is suppressing their needs and building resentment OR that one is so checked out and indifferent that they don't care enough to argue.

 

She was likely never invested enough and was looking for an excuse to break up. I did that in my younger days and it's not something I am proud of. People that are deeply in love don't move on just like that. It's not really possible.

 

I think this is it.

 

It's funny, because we are rightfully cautious of partners and relationships where there is regular arguing/bickering. But when there's nothing? Then that usually means what Eternal says: Either someone is biting their tongue a lot, or they just don't care enough.

 

I have a couple of friends who are married to each other and they're two of the most laid back people I know. Even they will butt heads over some things. I just think it's really hard to have a rewarding relationship where both people are emotionally present where there's NEVER arguments or even minor disagreements. We just aren't built that way.

[Mrin]

Ok so this is just my two cents. I agree with others in saying that there were doubts or discontent that were present long before the fatal evening. I don't really agree with the final straw idea because when you get into that mindset you need two things: a history of burden and a legitimate straw. Neither seem present. I'd offer two things:

 

1. She's been running a story about you to such an extent that she was on the edge. She was able to take the events of the fatal night and interpret them in a way to solidify that story. But usually those things result in a face to face type break up.

 

2. Which leads me to this idea. You may not want to hear it but we break up with people over text for three reasons: 1) disdain/disrespect 2) safety and 3) shame. A 17 month relationship sort of nixes #1. I don't think there are safety issues so that nixes #2. What we are left with is shame. That might be in the form of wanting someone else. Or some other perceived shame - like leading you on. Or not being truthful with you.

 

At any rate, consider yourself manhugged.

[bluefeather]

Salparadise, I'm really sorry you are going through this. Getting blind-sided from a breakup is a horrible feeling, especially from a relationship that you have invested over a year's time in. But I'm going to put some thoughts your way, and maybe they are completely off base, but you can take what you want from them.

 

It seems like you maybe acted immaturely, and like an a-hole, and that probably turned her way off. Keep in mind, I'm not saying that you are these things, just that on that really bad night, you may have lost your cool and that may have set her off to do something she might have been thinking about for a while now. And that brings me to my other observation: That she had this in mind already.

 

I don't think she was ever faking love for you, but I do believe that she was having doubts about the relationship, and despite you saying that things looked great, maybe, just maybe, there were some subtle clues here and there, that showed problems existed.

 

I hope you don't take what I said too badly, because I know too well how much it hurts being in a position like that. I'm just saying that we all have moments where we lose it... it happens. I'm usually an easy-going guy when it comes to strangers in public, but I've had bad times when I got home, or sometimes even days after the event, and thought, "Oh crap, I probably came off like such an ass to that person at the register!" Things like that... But I also believe that it was really harsh for her to end it like that. Through text? come on... and then to be, as you said "online shopping for a replacement," if that means what I think it means, that's cold! :/ sorry

[Sweetfish]

This is so not true. Look around at the threads on here. Men bail all the time, after professing their undying love.

 

Men and women that are truly in love are very much the same. Just as men and women that aren't truly in love act the same. The problem is that there are *people* out there that pretend that they are in love either consciously or subconsciously for various reasons. These are people that bail at the drop of a hat.

 

 

I never claim men are innocent creatures. I support women on this site who have been treated awful by their man or ex... but it is more frequent to see men being dumped by women in a long term relationship than the opposite on these sites and other sites.

 

Men are different from women... mentally, chemically, and our brains are wired differently. We also love differently.

Don't think so?

 

200 couples are married.

Of 100 couples the men lose their jobs.

Of the other 100 women lose their jobs

 

For 1 year of time.

 

Your going to tell me that the divorce rate for both groups will be the same. If so, your living a pipe dream and if you know the REAL answer than it proves we don't love the same.

 

Its getting so absurd women refuse to find love if he is under 5'11" or doesnt have a degree.

 

So yes the love is very different among the sexes and more conditional under the female gender and subject to change without his knowledge.

[ManyDissapoint]

Ouch. There is a lot going on here. The most likely explanation here is that you were punching above your weight in SMV terms and she used this event as the hill for the relationship to die on. As a feminist she was getting a virtue signalling high by sacrifing you and protecting the innocent employees. It was a win win for her because she was thinking she was too good for you anyway.

 

It sounds like your values were mismatched, something you wouldn't have overlooked if she wasn't so physically attractive. I've been there man. Pretty faces do not a good heart make, and our DNA does not do us any favors in this respect.

[keiji]

First of all, I'm sorry about your situation.

 

As others have said, I don't think something changed all of a sudden that night. There has to be something else. Perhaps she wasn't so invested anymore and she was trying to keep your relationship afloat, or perhaps she was faking it and she clung to the feeblest excuse to break up while avoiding to be fully honest.

 

I might be wrong, but that's my experience. One day my ex-wife told a friend that she would die if I ever left her. Her friend was worried and even thought she might take her life if I broke up with her some day. One week later, my ex-wife left me for someone else and she had even visited some rental flats a couple of months before just to be nearer him. By this I'm not saying that there's someone else, I don't think it's always the case at all, but I think these situations don't happen out of the blue. They've been stewing for a while.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sal, were you a fully integrated part of her life? Meaning spending regular time with her friends, family and children?

[elaine567]

If she was married to a narcissist then of course she was subject to abuse. Narcissists can seriously mess people up.

She will also probably be a people pleaser, as they are the people most often targetted by narcissists - she will avoid disappointing people as she fears rejection, she will avoid rocking the boat too much, she will be scared of deep emotion, she will minimise her own needs... etc. so NEVER ever fighting or arguing fits in with that.

 

She thus presented the perfect picture to you and you got comfortable with it, but it was not the person she really was.

 

Maybe the "incident" just reminded her of her narcissistic ex throwing his weight around or she was none too happy about what seemed to her to be "white privilege" situation or she felt disrespected as a woman or something completely different - who knows? Maybe she stored up a lot of similar incidents and this was just a step too far - who can say?

BUT I think for whatever reason she presented a very calm sea but underneath I guess was a maelstrom and that resulted in what was most likely inevitable here.

 

Abuse can blunt the edges, can make a person compliant, can make a person mirror another, can make a person go with the flow, can make a person grab onto what seems like a good thing as it is so much better than what they previously experienced, can make a person hold onto a lot of silent pent up anger...

At some point, they may realise it is not what THEY really want in life, so they have to bail.

I guess since her MO seems to be a clean cut off and never going back then I think you have to accept it is over.

Sorry...

[preraph]

I get much worse with people when I'm mad than you did, so maybe I'm not a good judge. I guess the main thing was you misplaced your anger. Maybe she was disgusted about you not having the money or her having to walk or just the whole deal. It doesn't seem like enough to make someone break up unless they were kind of leaning that way, honestly. But you say she's been very affectionate, so not sure. But she also said she did this to someone else, so somehow, you hit her hot button. Maybe it is the whole white man deal. Was the tow guy white or something else? Maybe she saw it as racist or something.

 

So sorry. But jeez, yes, she escalated to nuclear, so knowing that now, if you did stay together, you'd have to find out what all sets her off and always mind your P's and Q's. Then if you had kids, the irony would be that she'd let them get away with no end of rudeness and think nothing of it, whereas you'd be persecuted every time for the smallest slight.

[JamesM]

I think the main offense was probably not checking ahead for parking, not finding an atm and grabbing cash, just not being a leader in general. Then not cooperating with the tow company to the point she felt like she had to step in. I mean, she might be liberally indoctrinated to the point she goes around yacking about white privilege on a regular basis but she's still a woman. =/ She want's a leader.

 

Sorry that happened, but you gotta be able to take care of things as they come up, in a sexy and strong way, not just carry a 5 dollar bill around in your pocket. Or else no woman is going to value you. =/ Which she didn't if she dumped you like that.

 

Nope. This cannot be due to this one incident.

 

After SEVENTEEN months and breaking up over one incident not handled well is not logical.

 

If she wants a leader and decided that you (Sal) are not one, then it wasn't this one incident.

 

To me it sounds more like she felt you didn't handle it well from an emotional stand point. Perhaps her past baggage with her husband or family heavily influenced her thinking. Perhaps she has been thinking about it for awhile. Perhaps she used this incident as an excuse for what she has been wanting to do.

 

Or perhaps, she sees someone else that is attractive to her and as Eternal Sunshine says, she was looking for an out.

 

Now what I am going to say is meant with kindness....it is best to find this out before marriage. As much as you love her, something wasn't clicking from her side for whatever reason. She decided it was best to move on. I give her credit for doing it even if it was on her mind for weeks already.

 

The question is...if she called you tomorrow and wanted to get back together, would you do it? While you emotions say yes, should you?

 

It is painful I know, even though it has been more than 25 years since I felt the pain. I still can remember it. Yet looking back, it was the best thing that happened.

 

Hopefully this will lead to a better relationship with her or someone else.

[salparadise]

If she was married to a narcissist then of course she was subject to abuse. Narcissists can seriously mess people up.

She will also probably be a people pleaser, as they are the people most often targetted by narcissists - she will avoid disappointing people as she fears rejection, she will avoid rocking the boat too much, she will be scared of deep emotion, she will minimise her own needs... etc. so NEVER ever fighting or arguing fits in with that.

 

She thus presented the perfect picture to you and you got comfortable with it, but it was not the person she really was.

 

Maybe the "incident" just reminded her of her narcissistic ex throwing his weight around or she was none too happy about what seemed to her to be "white privilege" situation or she felt disrespected as a woman or something completely different - who knows? Maybe she stored up a lot of similar incidents and this was just a step too far - who can say?

BUT I think for whatever reason she presented a very calm sea but underneath I guess was a maelstrom and that resulted in what was most likely inevitable here.

 

Abuse can blunt the edges, can make a person compliant, can make a person mirror another, can make a person go with the flow, can make a person grab onto what seems like a good thing as it is so much better than what they previously experienced, can make a person hold onto a lot of silent pent up anger...

At some point, they may realise it is not what THEY really want in life, so they have to bail.

I guess since her MO seems to be a clean cut off and never going back then I think you have to accept it is over.

Sorry...

 

 

^^ This is good and may explain quite a bit of it. The tendencies are definitely there. People pleaser, yes. Very PC, proper and measured. She has anxiety issues, takes Zoloft and has for many years. Goes to a therapist regularly, and is a therapist herself. There is considerable angst underlying the charming, reliable, affectionate facade. She created the person she felt I wanted her to be, and was very convincing.

[salparadise]

Sal, were you a fully integrated part of her life? Meaning spending regular time with her friends, family and children?

 

 

We are both introverts, so not a lot of integration. I have spent time at her house around her children, we had Thanksgiving at her house with her kids and mine. I've met a few of her friends, but she didn't spend much time with friends. Mostly work, her kids and me.

 

Where I was not integrated... he siblings didn't know she was in a relationship. I asked her about that many times. She said they'e all just private people and don't ask or share much personal stuff. I did introduce her to my brother and his wife, and we went out with them a few times.

 

We did not ever roll out the relationship on FB for the world to see. I didn't much care about that anyway. I'm not much of a FB'er. She also didn't want her kids seeing pics of us together at the beach and stuff like that b/c she didn't want them to think she was living it up, traveling, sleeping with me while they were with their father.

 

No one at her work knew about the relationship either. It seemed fine, but in hindsight you could probably make assumptions, but I don't really think that it's a big deal. She wasn't keeping it a secret, just not advertising it. I didn't either.

[JuneL]

One thing that stood out was you seemed to be taking the whole burden of this whole incident all by yourself. Did you guys not go to the concert together and found the space together for your car? Why did you have to ask for something to write down those numbers when your then girlfriend could just type them in some notes app in her phone? Did your then girlfriend act with frustration like you did, considering you guys were enduring the crappy incident together? I think she might have seen some lesser but similar incidents from you before; she probably thought the whole thing was not the waitress or the towing guy's fault, so acting angrily to them was a big turn off.