The post that I hoped I'd never have to write.

[thefooloftheyear]

I can't say if whether or not it's true here, but "Narcissist" has become the default diagnosis for anyone that thinks they are right and the other person is wrong....."True" narcissists aren't even that common...

 

I dunno....I guess it gives people a reason to make something pathological or clinical...so it shifts any blame from them and their shortcomings...*shrug*

 

 

TFY

[salparadise]

I can't say if whether or not it's true here, but "Narcissist" has become the default diagnosis for anyone that thinks they are right and the other person is wrong....."True" narcissists aren't even that common...

 

I dunno....I guess it gives people a reason to make something pathological or clinical...so it shifts any blame from them and their shortcomings...*shrug*

 

 

 

I agree that it gets tossed around way too much. If someone is an ass-hole, they must be a narcissist. I just got a new book today. I'm tired of hearing it thrown around casually so I'm going to learn about it from the big guys. This book differentiates between the overt and covert expressions. I don't know if it's uncommon though –– depends on where you place the threshold for diagnosis.

 

I heard that the DSM is going to add inappropriate tweeting as one of the criteria.

 

Disorders of Narcissism: Diagnostic, Clinical, and Empirical Implications

[Tusks_n_Raider]

Hey Sal I'm new here but have been reading as many peoples stories as possible to try and make correlations with my own situation.

 

I just wanted to pop in and say that your original post reminded me of one of my previous breakups. It was very similar to yours in that it seemed to be shockingly triggered from one bad night or event.

 

My then GF had just moved into a new apt. and we were in the process of moving all her belongings and packing and unpacking for few days. We had been together for 6 months. I didn't live with her but I stayed at her previous place a lot and anyway I helped with the move.

 

So towards the end of the final day we are all tired and exhausted obviously and I'm trying to hook up her entertainment center. Pretty much any device that needed to hook up to the television. It was tricky work with the cables because of the particular shelving unit she had and it was taking me a while.

 

Her Mom kept offering to help me (I got along with her Mom really well) but I kept politely declining because I was younger and trying to be the Macho guy who can do manly stuff...lol. Well her Mom kept asking me to let her help and I kept declining but I was getting frustrated at myself for taking so long and feeling pestered by the Mom.

 

So I messed up and kind of sarcastically said 'look I appreciate you asking.... but I've got this...ok'.....then looked away and rolled my eyes. My then GF heard the exchange and worse SAW me roll my eyes.

 

It was OVER after that. She went 180 cold on me after. Just days before she had been asking me to move in with her at the new place.

 

Basically when she was a kid her Dad snapped and yelled at her Mom all the time and it was a household with lots of fighting so me even being sarcastic and honestly rude to her Mom killed the attraction right there. She just went black/white in determination that because I acted like that in that one moment that it was a sign I would always be snappy. She even said she wouldn't be with someone who might treat her or her Mom like her dad did. I profusely appologized for my actions to her and her mother but the damage was done. Everything was great before that too.

 

So sometimes we just all have a bad day.....but unfortunately it can be something that triggers a larger concern in our potential mate that for whatever reason they can't look past or even give you a 2nd chance on no matter how trivial it might seem to us.

 

Keep your chin up man. If it wasn't your date night that night it would have probably happened whenever you next had a bad day and she didn't like how you reacted. Same for me.....I wish people didn't make full on judgements because of 1 simple small mistake but people with damaged pasts certainly can.

Edited February 16, 2017 by Tusks_n_Raider

[salparadise]

So sometimes we just all have a bad day.....but unfortunately it can be something that triggers a larger concern in our potential mate that for whatever reason they can't look past or even give you a 2nd chance on no matter how trivial it might seem to us.

 

Keep your chin up man. If it wasn't your date night that night it would have probably happened whenever you next had a bad day and she didn't like how you reacted. Same for me.....I wish people didn't make full on judgements because of 1 simple small mistake but people with damaged pasts certainly can.

 

Yea, I know. I like the way you put it because it's fairly neutral and doesn't cast either person as exclusively right or wrong.

 

I think you're right about it having been just a matter of time. Given the narrowness of the expectation, and the thinness of the thread by which it was dangling, it was pretty amazing that we were together a year and a half.

 

It still leaves me wondering though... were the words true, and could she go from full on to full off in an instant, or is she bereft of the capacity to actually attach to an individual and merely recruits people to fill the position until a crack appears in her schema of a perfect person?

 

Up until that night almost three weeks ago, I thought she was "the one." It feels like a small breeze just blew out my last match. So close, yet so far.

[Furious]

Yea, I know. I like the way you put it because it's fairly neutral and doesn't cast either person as exclusively right or wrong.

 

It still leaves me wondering though... were the words true, and could she go from full on to full off in an instant, or is she bereft of the capacity to actually attach to an individual and merely recruits people to fill the position until a crack appears in her schema of a perfect person?

 

 

A healthy individual does not breakup by text after a year and a half relationship and then within days of the breakup is on a dating site.

 

You did say during your relationship there were no arguments and great communication, that may be what's tripping you up.

 

You're mourning who you thought you knew. Chances are she has done this before when ending a relationship. I'd be skeptical of how she labeled her ex husband as a narcissist and she was the "victim". I wouldn't be surprised that in her next relationship she will label you too with a diagnosis of some personality disorder. It appears she goes for knights in shining armour with whom she can manipulate, she's no damsel in distress. She appears to be in control and manipulative. I get the feeling she liked the honeymoon stage but once there was serious talk of the future she was looking for an excuse to brand you as a villain and secure her victim persona.

[salparadise]

A healthy individual does not breakup by text after a year and a half relationship and then within days of the breakup is on a dating site.

 

You did say during your relationship there were no arguments and great communication, that may be what's tripping you up.

 

You're mourning who you thought you knew. Chances are she has done this before when ending a relationship. I'd be skeptical of how she labeled her ex husband as a narcissist and she was the "victim". I wouldn't be surprised that in her next relationship she will label you too with a diagnosis of some personality disorder. It appears she goes for knights in shining armour with whom she can manipulate, she's no damsel in distress. She appears to be in control and manipulative. I get the feeling she liked the honeymoon stage but once there was serious talk of the future she was looking for an excuse to brand you as a villain and secure her victim persona.

 

 

Yea, there's something not right about her emotionally. A healthy person doesn't do things that way. It may be that she doesn't want to answer any questions because she knows it's not justifiable, yet she feels entitled to treat me like a non-person for no particular reason beyond not wanting to be inconvenienced with having to explain. IOW, if she's done with me, it's her prerogative similar to not having to explain why she'd throw an old pair of shoes in the trash.

[salparadise]

Sal,

 

Like your girlfriend, I am an infj female, a highly sensitive person, and a psychotherapist. I also have a trauma history. I hope I can give you insight into why your girlfriend acted the way she did.

 

But, I feel like you should know this. Maybe down the line, my post will make some sense to you. I can empathize with how hurt you feel, but let's just say I also can empathize with what your ex is feeling too. I can't shake off that nagging feeling that maybe she saw you as being insensitive.

 

I keep having a nagging feeling that Trustyourgut might actually be my ex-gf. Apparently she created an account for this one post, then disappeared with no further discussion. What are the odds that another INFJ/HSP/Therapist would randomly find this thread, create a new account, then post to say that she and I had history, go on to explain the situation almost precisely as I would imagine my gf would, and then vanish? That is an amazing amount of coincidence!

 

She does know that I participate in a forum, but not which one. It wouldn't take much of a sleuth to figure out. I asked her not to try because if she were to start reading my posts then I'd no longer feel free to speak freely; everything would be pre-edited to make sure it was palatable to her sensibilities.

 

She has also been known to create 'Usernamesthatmakesentences.'

 

I've read that post over and over, and I sort of get it. I empathize with the perspective even though I still don't agree that it's ok. She did say once, early in our relationship, that she needed to feel safe with me. That's the only time I recall ever seeing her cry. Even when she was dealing with the extreme anxiety last spring and was quite upset, she didn't cry as she was confessing things to me.

 

Another interesting factoid that may have more meaning in hindsight, is that she would sometimes withhold her worries from me. Recently, she confessed that she thought she might have had lip cancer because of a small lesion, but she only told me about being relived after having been cleared by the doctor. I told her she should be talking to me when she's worried and not suffering through things like this alone. I wanted to always be there for her.

 

That fateful night she did throw out that I had scared her. I addressed that quickly because I had never, not that night or any other time, done anything at all that would cause her to feel threatened. In a year and a half, never a word said in anger, never a raised voice or hatful tone. Never ever.

 

Was I insensitive? Yes, that night I was insensitive in those moments to those two other people, but not to her. It was nothing more than minor frustration/aggravation but she interpreted it as some kind of monumental revelation. Something else must've been going on with her thinking and emotions. It doesn't reconcile rationally.

 

So maybe back in the early months when she was feeling enthusiastic about the relationship such a thing might have been overlooked, but my guess is... actually a strong intuition (again this is me being rational), is that she had become discontent without communicating and this little hiccup that most people would roll right past triggered something and there wasn't enough equity in my account to balance it out.

 

One thought that gives me minor comfort is that given how all of this came down, this relationship had been hanging by a thread for some time. If it hadn't been this, it would've been something else a week or a month or a year from now. The affirmations of love and loyalty and dedication were false, thin, empty. No one who was truly invested would throw away such a relationship over this stuff even if they were upset... and they wouldn't refuse to give their loved one the much needed closure and resolution. My dissonance has not resolved. I slept three hours last night. Up since 2am.

Edited February 17, 2017 by salparadise

[dreamingoftigers]

I keep having a nagging feeling that Trustyourgut might actually be my ex-gf. Apparently she created an account for this one post, then disappeared with no further discussion. What are the odds that another INFJ/HSP/Therapist would randomly find this thread, create a new account, then post to say that she and I had history, go on to explain the situation almost precisely as I would imagine my gf would, and then vanish? That is an amazing amount of coincidence!

 

She does know that I participate in a forum, but not which one. It wouldn't take much of a sleuth to figure out. I asked her not to try because if she were to start reading my posts then I'd no longer feel free to speak freely; everything would be pre-edited to make sure it was palatable to her sensibilities.

 

She has also been known to create 'Usernamesthatmakesentences.'

 

I've read that post over and over, and I sort of get it. I empathize with the perspective even though I still don't agree that it's ok. She did say once, early in our relationship, that she needed to feel safe with me. That's the only time I recall ever seeing her cry. Even when she was dealing with the extreme anxiety last spring and was quite upset, she didn't cry as she was confessing things to me.

 

Another interesting factoid that may have more meaning in hindsight, is that she would sometimes withhold her worries from me. Recently, she confessed that she thought she might have had lip cancer because of a small lesion, but she only told me about being relived after having been cleared by the doctor. I told her she should be talking to me when she's worried and not suffering through things like this alone. I wanted to always be there for her.

 

That fateful night she did throw out that I had scared her. I addressed that quickly because I had never, not that night or any other time, done anything at all that would cause her to feel threatened. In a year and a half, never a word said in anger, never a raised voice or hatful tone. Never ever.

 

Was I insensitive? Yes, that night I was insensitive in those moments to those two other people, but not to her. It was nothing more than minor frustration/aggravation but she interpreted it as some kind of monumental revelation. Something else must've been going on with her thinking and emotions. It doesn't reconcile rationally.

 

So maybe back in the early months when she was feeling enthusiastic about the relationship such a thing might have been overlooked, but my guess is... actually a strong intuition (again this is me being rational), is that she had become discontent without communicating and this little hiccup that most people would roll right past triggered something and there wasn't enough equity in my account to balance it out.

 

One thought that gives me minor comfort is that given how all of this came down, this relationship had been hanging by a thread for some time. If it hadn't been this, it would've been something else a week or a month or a year from now. The affirmations of love and loyalty and dedication were false, thin, empty. No one who was truly invested would throw away such a relationship over this stuff even if they were upset... and they wouldn't refuse to give their loved one the much needed closure and resolution. My dissonance has not resolved. I slept three hours last night. Up since 2am.

 

When I read that post I was wondering if it was your ex until they said they weren't.

 

It does sound like an ex post. Not that I am an expert. But sometimes people log in during duress and pop up on other's threads. It did sound like that.

[Sweetfish]

Sal. If that is the case... if its true. Now you can see how far the manipulation and lying goes. If it was your ex she could have easily express this to you directly via email or other media.

 

That post was to cause damage.. tarnish your image. Repay you for the "damage" you inflicted. While looking like an angel or victim.

 

"IF" it was your ex don't you think its kinda F'ed up knowing your a long time member here to ploy other members here to believe she is one of us on LS and you said things to her in a thread that was horrible and mean??

 

 

To read a thread and know you are hurting and kick you when your down.. What professional therapist does that?

 

Interesting that im not on every thread preaching that every female /male that bails has some kinda disorder. Strange im not trolling the threads throwing out disorders on other members here.

 

And before the double standards start kicking about the suggestion or slippery slope of talking about disorders. Many members "here" tell L.S. members life changing decisions that is far worse than saying... "hey maybe your ex has BPD there are many signs" rather than telling members to divorce or breakup with someone not knowing half the story or putting recording device in peoples cars which is illegal in some states. Im not telling anyone to go start taking 10mgs of X everyday or swallow a bunch of pills.

 

Its up to the poster... who is an adult to decide how they are going to take the information. If they them selves will seek the professional or seek professional help for that person which i advise NOT TO DO.

 

This particular thread has all the signs that I feel she is a covert.. and the way the O.P. saying the ex lacked empathy and the way he wrote it seem like he felt it the whole relationship... not that it was a feeling on exit of the relationship. Thats how I felt.

 

I called out that the O.P. ex is a covert and this mystery poster a covert without exercising the idea they might be the same.

 

If the person was hypersensitive and "your ex" why go on a forum covertly as someone else and shame you? I expect that from a teenager... not a mature mother who is a Therapist.

[salparadise]

When I read that post I was wondering if it was your ex until they said they weren't.

 

It does sound like an ex post. Not that I am an expert. But sometimes people log in during duress and pop up on other's threads. It did sound like that.

 

 

The idea only occurred to me yesterday. I wonder. So much fits. Where did she say she wasn't? If true she obviously was trying not to reveal it, but I didn't see anything that stated it outright.

 

She joined on the 15th and posted at 7:09am. I can't tell if she's been logging back in, but only that one post, and she was speaking to me directly and even referred to our history. Hmmm.

 

Goodness, I just googled "INFJ Door Slam" and was shocked to see that they're known for this! Many articles on this exact thing. I'll do more reading on it. If that's it, then she's really been bottling a bunch of stuff up inside because noting was ever communicated that she was growing fatigued or had concerns about the relationship or anything like that.

[JuneL]

Do you recall the earlier incident she mentioned in her post, in which you said something that hurt her profoundly?

 

I also wanted to point out something. You kept bringing up the fact that she is out of your "league". I take it that the league is in terms of her education, career and financial or social status; what about looks? I'm asking because I suspect what drove her to you was your being a nice guy. So for you to lose your temper and display your not-so-nice side could be a real turn off. Also, on that fateful night, I thought she should be the one to get frustrated, as it was you who carelessly parked in the wrong space that led to the towing and walking in the cold.

 

The idea only occurred to me yesterday. I wonder. So much fits. Where did she say she wasn't? If true she obviously was trying not to reveal it, but I didn't see anything that stated it outright.

 

She joined on the 15th and posted at 7:09am. I can't tell if she's been logging back in, but only that one post, and she was speaking to me directly and even referred to our history. Hmmm.

 

Goodness, I just googled "INFJ Door Slam" and was shocked to see that they're known for this! Many articles on this exact thing. I'll do more reading on it. If that's it, then she's really been bottling a bunch of stuff up inside because noting was ever communicated that she was growing fatigued or had concerns about the relationship or anything like that.

[Sweetfish]

The idea only occurred to me yesterday. I wonder. So much fits. Where did she say she wasn't? If true she obviously was trying not to reveal it, but I didn't see anything that stated it outright.

 

She joined on the 15th and posted at 7:09am. I can't tell if she's been logging back in, but only that one post, and she was speaking to me directly and even referred to our history. Hmmm.

 

Goodness, I just googled "INFJ Door Slam" and was shocked to see that they're known for this! Many articles on this exact thing. I'll do more reading on it. If that's it, then she's really been bottling a bunch of stuff up inside because noting was ever communicated that she was growing fatigued or had concerns about the relationship or anything like that.

 

 

INFJ and Narcissist share very similar traits. The traits are very identical.

 

INFJ and covert narcissist both tend to attract overt narcissist because coverts/INFJ are addicted to the love bombing.

 

Once you take away the things that make a person shy and introverted and apply the same principles that your ex is doing... now the person is a narcissist. I believe empathy, manipulation and entitlement is the key.

 

but now were just talking arm chair stuff...complex stuff. You will never know the true answer if the "door is slammed" because only that person knows and now you just need to worry about you. Maybe one day you will get an explanation.. maybe not?

 

Hopefully, your doing as much research into your self as you are for others

[Furious]

Sal. If that is the case... if its true. Now you can see how far the manipulation and lying goes. If it was your ex she could have easily express this to you directly via email or other media.

 

That post was to cause damage.. tarnish your image. Repay you for the "damage" you inflicted. While looking like an angel or victim.

 

"IF" it was your ex don't you think its kinda F'ed up knowing your a long time member here to ploy other members here to believe she is one of us on LS and you said things to her in a thread that was horrible and mean??

 

 

To read a thread and know you are hurting and kick you when your down.. What professional therapist does that?

 

Interesting that im not on every thread preaching that every female /male that bails has some kinda disorder. Strange im not trolling the threads throwing out disorders on other members here.

 

And before the double standards start kicking about the suggestion or slippery slope of talking about disorders. Many members "here" tell L.S. members life changing decisions that is far worse than saying... "hey maybe your ex has BPD there are many signs" rather than telling members to divorce or breakup with someone not knowing half the story or putting recording device in peoples cars which is illegal in some states. Im not telling anyone to go start taking 10mgs of X everyday or swallow a bunch of pills.

 

Its up to the poster... who is an adult to decide how they are going to take the information. If they them selves will seek the professional or seek professional help for that person which i advise NOT TO DO.

 

This particular thread has all the signs that I feel she is a covert.. and the way the O.P. saying the ex lacked empathy and the way he wrote it seem like he felt it the whole relationship... not that it was a feeling on exit of the relationship. Thats how I felt.

 

I called out that the O.P. ex is a covert and this mystery poster a covert without exercising the idea they might be the same.

 

If the person was hypersensitive and "your ex" why go on a forum covertly as someone else and shame you? I expect that from a teenager... not a mature mother who is a Therapist.

 

 

The odd thing was the poster did not specify or give Sal any indication as to the hurtful incident and topic that Sal supposedly triggered her in a past thread. It was vague and unusual and did smack of passive aggressive intent.

 

The strange thing seems that either that poster has been following Sal for years on this forum and is holding a grudge over a long period of time or it's as Sal suspects it's his ex who is taunting him.

 

Sal

 

As much as you are upset about the way she broke up with you and questioning if it was a real relationship or not, it's over and the sooner you move on from her the better it will be for you.

 

Trust that you are not the horrible person she labeled you, trust that you know you did nothing to deserve the type of disrespect she heaped on you.

 

Be thankful that it wasn't another year or two of your life that was wasted on someone who is this screwed up.

[BC1980]

If the poster is your ex, and she was triggered into breaking up with you over this incident, you're better off without her. You'd be waking on eggshells the rest of your life. If she isn't recovered enough to the point that she can't talk through what most people would consider a minor hiccup, then I don't know how she even maintains friendships.

[bluefeather]

I'm surprised to know that this is still being discussed so much. Despite the details, this sounds like many other breakups. I'm not trying to downplay your suffering, Sal, it just seems like, you've been around here long enough, so you should know the drill. NC and improve yourself. Adjust your aim so you look for a better kind of person. But all this dwelling and blaming... I know you are totally free to continue that path, but I suggest you watch your step to make sure you don't fall down a rabbit hole of psycho-analytical questions.

 

Trustyourgut, I actually see some parts of where you are coming from. I have felt abandoned multiple times by someone so hard, I felt like they thought I was garbage. After a lot of time passed, I saw that they were incredibly fragile and scared, most likely due to a traumatic childhood. Add in alcohol and drug use, and it was a recipe for disaster leaving me picking up the pieces of my broken heart. But regardless of what they felt or did not feel, I could see that they had serious issues and I could understand reasons why they did what they did, if at least, from a distance - as if looking at their child-self through a window. It is an interesting perspective that you brought here, at least to me, but I think that from reading the posts that followed, it was probably not the best idea to start with something like, "you don't know me, but you hurt my feelings on this forum a long time ago." Words like that most likely set Sal off on trying to figure out what that was about, and he may have heavily filtered the message you were trying to get across, or missed it completely, as now some people are thinking you meant to cause harm and/or are actually the ex. Maybe if you had posted that under your original username, otherwise, it might have been better to leave that out. I would probably react the same way that Sal did if someone said that to me.

 

Salparadise, I reiterate that I think both sides acted immaturely, in completely different ways, but I hope you can heal quickly and find a more compatible partner.

[salparadise]

The odd thing was the poster did not specify or give Sal any indication as to the hurtful incident and topic that Sal supposedly triggered her in a past thread. It was vague and unusual and did smack of passive aggressive intent.

 

The strange thing seems that either that poster has been following Sal for years on this forum and is holding a grudge over a long period of time or it's as Sal suspects it's his ex who is taunting him.

 

Yes, the deeper you look the stranger it seems. It could be that Trustyougut is a long-time forum member that I engaged with at some point, but then why speak in such a vague, mysterious manner and create a new account just to post this one message? And why do the hit and run rather than engaging in the conversation?

 

On the other hand, if it's my ex-gf she might have actually been trying to sooth her conscience by covertly giving me some insight into what she's feeling, and the story about me having hurt her with words some years ago is just to paint me as the villain and her as the victim, and symbolically justify how she has/is treating me. She would be invested in seeing herself in a good light, as the vulnerable party, and me as an aggressor who deserved what he got. Gaslighting, whether intentional or intuitive. We all have a strong need to see ourselves as good and justify our actions. Pretty darn interesting, isn't it? The poster seem incredibly aligned and invested in promoting the validity of my ex-gf's feelings.

 

Sal

 

As much as you are upset about the way she broke up with you and questioning if it was a real relationship or not, it's over and the sooner you move on from her the better it will be for you.

 

Trust that you are not the horrible person she labeled you, trust that you know you did nothing to deserve the type of disrespect she heaped on you.

 

Be thankful that it wasn't another year or two of your life that was wasted on someone who is this screwed up.

 

Yes, I realize all of this cognitively, however, it takes awhile for feelings to equilibrate, and when you have to accept that something in which you truly believed (mentally and emotionally) and were heavily invested in was a sham... well, it seriously messes with your confidence in your own reality testing. My perception was not purely imaginary––she created it and cultivated it with words and actions for a year and a half.

 

I still have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that she dumped me with a text message and refused to even have a conversation. We were in love one minute and I was persona non grata the next. And blue feather, the details do matter, a lot. I've been through breakups before but nothing as weird as this.

Edited February 17, 2017 by salparadise

[Onnanoko]

Yes, the deeper you look the stranger it seems. It could be that Trustyougut is a long-time forum member that I engaged with at some point, but then why speak in such a vague, mysterious manner and create a new account just to post this one message? And why do the hit and run rather than engaging in the conversation?

 

How in the world did your ex find out that you're on this forum when you said in another post that she didn't know which forum you were on? When I went back and re-read it, it does seem that the poster who wrote that could, indeed, be your ex girlfriend! This seems very creepy to me.

 

 

On the other hand, if it's my ex-gf she might have actually been trying to sooth her conscience by covertly giving me some insight into what she's feeling, and the story about me having hurt her with words some years ago is just to paint me as the villain and her as the victim, and symbolically justify how she has/is treating me. She would be invested in seeing herself in a good light, as the vulnerable party, and me as an aggressor who deserved what he got. Gaslighting, whether intentional or intuitive. We all have a strong need to see ourselves as good and justify our actions.

 

Pretty darn interesting, isn't it?

 

I still have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that she dumped my with a text message and refused to even have a conversation. We were in love one minute and I was persona non grata the next. And blue feather, the details do matter, a lot. I've been through breakups before but nothing as weird as this.

 

Since it is possible that your ex girlfriend is stalking you on this site, you should feel free to write what ever you please and to maintain no contact and begin the healing process.

 

It is my opinion that she is NOT deserving (or worthy) of ANY response or contact from you. Allow her to stew in her mental dysfunction and regret whilst she hunts for her next victim online. After what she has done to you, if I were you, I would not give her the time of day. If she has any narcissistic traits within her at all, it will BOTHER HER to no end if you SEVER **ALL** CONTACT with her.

 

Unfortunately, I can identify with your situation because I feel that my significant other was eventually planning to do to me what your ex girlfriend has done to you. What he does not know however, is that I am 3 steps ahead of him. It is sad really, because I was growing to love him and I trusted him with my heart. I will see to it that I will never allow anyone to betray me in that way EVER AGAIN.

 

Stay strong Sal. I know that you're hurting. I can imagine that your pain nearly parallels to mine. I thought of you for a moment last night as I cried myself to sleep. You will get through this.

 

Your ex girlfriend is a CANCER that you must remove from your life. Any one who is that callous, cruel and apathetic to end an almost 2 year relationship via text WITHOUT explanation is almost non-human. Guard your heart now......because no one else will.

[Life lessons]

Sorry to hear this. The discontent had to be going on beforehand and this was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

Definitely agree!! Seems like this encounter just gave her a reason to end what you guys had! Definitely on the childish side...she should be honest.

[Notarobot]

I'm curious. You think Sal had an "emotional breakdown". Is that based on what he describes here

 

 

 

or are you taking the view that there was more to it than he describes? If it went exactly as he described, in his girlfriend's shoes I would probably be embarrassed about him telling the guy "you don't need my number". Asking "can I just check what you need my number for?" would be a better, more neutral response. So yeah, I'd probably think he could have handled it better - but it's hardly the end of the world, and to define what Sal describes as "an emotional breakdown" is ludicrous.

 

In fact, I'd be pretty worried about somebody who would define the behaviour outlined in the above quote as "an emotional breakdown". There are various ways in which one person can abuse another. Using a term like "emotional breakdown" for the kind of "episode of testiness and irritation" Sal describes sounds very much, to me, like the sort of thing an abusive individual would say in an effort to confuse another person or make them doubt themselves.

 

I accept that, as Elaine says, sometimes when people have been abused themselves they might have zero tolerance for behaviour that other people might be a bit embarrassed by but otherwise see as no big deal. However, taking an incident such as the one Sal has described and defining it as an "emotional breakdown" goes well beyond that. It suggests to me that either you don't have any sort of filter to help you differentiate between "a bit testy " and "abusive and out of control".

 

Or, you know very well that the behaviour described is nothing like an emotional breakdown, but decided that you'd go ahead and lash out at somebody who is going through a difficult time and is therefore going to be vulnerable.

.

This is exactly what you would call an emotional breakdown because he wasn't able to contain his emotions due to his actions and thus lashed out at those around him.

 

You can look at it two ways. Either you can play stupid and act as if these two incidents happened in a vacuum and nothing else occurred within this entire night of frustration and mistakes.

 

Or you can use context clues as taught to you in middle school and come to the conclusion that the woman didn't shut down for no reason and he was a lot more elevated than he led on to believe.

 

This is nothing about lashing out against a vulnerable man but the inability for that man to self assess why his reflection of his actions don't line up with the only other person in this story. You need to worry more about why you minimize insulting workers as testiness than what I refer to as a breakdown.

[Notarobot]

By reading your posts, it seems to me that you are attempting to place blame of the OP's break up on him.

Wait, who's else fault would it be?? Who's actions lead to the incident in the first place. Was it the girlfriend's actions that lead to the breakup?

[Robert]

On the other hand, if it's my ex-gf

Moderation would like to step in at this point, of course we have no real way of knowing but would suggest you take the poster at their words and not read anything into it.

 

The poster in question is not in the same area or state are you are posting from, in fact they are quite far from the location you are posting from.

 

Moderation doesn't normally comment in the open forum about such matters but it seems this tangent has taken a life of it's own and to correct it by editing would be more effort than we can expend at this time.

[Sweetfish]

.

This is exactly what you would call an emotional breakdown because he wasn't able to contain his emotions due to his actions and thus lashed out at those around him.

 

So anytime someone gets upset or angry its an emotional breakdown...?

 

An emotional/nervous breakdown is something that cripples your ability to perform basic functions.. its a state of temporary mental shut-down.

 

I think your envisioning something completely different.

[Taramere]

.

This is exactly what you would call an emotional breakdown because he wasn't able to contain his emotions due to his actions and thus lashed out at those around him.

 

You can look at it two ways. Either you can play stupid and act as if these two incidents happened in a vacuum and nothing else occurred within this entire night of frustration and mistakes.

 

Or you can use context clues as taught to you in middle school and come to the conclusion that the woman didn't shut down for no reason and he was a lot more elevated than he led on to believe.

 

This is nothing about lashing out against a vulnerable man but the inability for that man to self assess why his reflection of his actions don't line up with the only other person in this story. You need to worry more about why you minimize insulting workers as testiness than what I refer to as a breakdown.

 

He was a bit sarcastic/snotty from the sound of it. Nothing a reasonably robust person couldn't brush off with ease, I wouldn't have thought. Calling it an emotional breakdown is pure hyperbole.

[OpenBook]

That fateful night she did throw out that I had scared her. I addressed that quickly

 

How exactly did you "address that" with her? If it's anything like your denial here:

 

because I had never, not that night or any other time, done anything at all that would cause her to feel threatened. In a year and a half, never a word said in anger, never a raised voice or hatful tone. Never ever.

 

... then she may have felt you were dismissing her fears as irrational and unfounded. Your perception of your own behavior was clearly different from hers. That doesn't negate or minimize her view of it at all. Her position is just as valid as yours. Could that be why she pulled the ol' Exit Stage Left without an explanation? Because she felt you would once again dismiss her concerns if she tried to talk to you about it? I don't know; I wasn't there. Just a thought.

 

Was I insensitive? Yes, that night I was insensitive in those moments to those two other people, but not to her. It was nothing more than minor frustration/aggravation but she interpreted it as some kind of monumental revelation. Something else must've been going on with her thinking and emotions. It doesn't reconcile rationally.

 

Again, your perception of the same event is wildly different from hers. You viewed your reaction to getting your car towed away as "minor." She clearly viewed it differently.

 

You would be incorrect to assume your partner is going to view, absorb and process things the same way you do. She is a separate, sentient, unique human being. Always was, always will be.

 

You never really know another person, no matter how close you get. (I've heard this from longtime married people, including my own mother.)

 

And anyway, even though I just joined in on the group analysis, I don't know why we're even trying. Good luck trying to apply rational principles to love to try to figure it out. Love makes absolutely no freaking sense whatsoever.

[salparadise]

He was a bit sarcastic/snotty from the sound of it. Nothing a reasonably robust person couldn't brush off with ease, I wouldn't have thought. Calling it an emotional breakdown is pure hyperbole.

 

Correct, if I had gone completely off the rails I'd say so. There's no benefit to seeking support from the community based on lies or half truths. My now ex-gf probably perceives it as more significant than I do, but that's an emotional overreaction, not the actuality. As I said previously, no words in anger, no raised voices, no arguments, insults or name calling... Notarobot is being intentionally antagonistic. I'm not taking the bait.