The post that I hoped I'd never have to write.

[PrettyEmily77]

The way it happened was like this... once we arrived back at my place, she announced that she was quite upset with me began to enumerate my transgressions. I didn't argue with her at first, I just listened and said I was sorry, hoping to deescalate. But wasn't ready to deescalate, so she bumped it up ten notches by saying that I had scared her. This a woman's trump card. A man can't say, no I didn't because you can't argue with what someone says they feel. It's indefensible, automatically guilty. But I knew for a fact that there was nothing said or done that justified that statement. So I said [something to the effect] that I didn't believe I had done anything scary. I supposed it could have been key to her decision to nuke the relationship––who knows, it wasn't rational and she won't talk to me. When she added that part, it changed the transgression from me having been rude or disrespectful to third parties, to a transgression agains her. It became indefensible at that point and anything I might have said would've been wrong.

 

Sal, and I say that as gently and as respectfully as possible, I really think this is a case of you two not being as compatible as you previously thought, as well as having differing response styles.

 

She may be a feeling over reason type (I seem to remember you saying she was an INFJ) and you say you are the rational type. Neither of you are wrong or right, but it looks like you have widely differing accounts of the same incident which seem to be irreconcilable.

[amaysngrace]

The way it happened was like this... once we arrived back at my place, she announced that she was quite upset with me and began to enumerate my transgressions. I didn't argue with her at first, I just listened and said I was sorry, hoping to deescalate. But she wasn't ready to let it go, so she bumped it up ten notches by saying that I had scared her. This the woman's trump card––a man can't say, no I didn't because you can't argue with what someone says they feel. It's indefensible, automatically guilty. But I knew for a fact that there was nothing said or done that justified that statement. So I said [something to the effect] that I didn't believe I had done anything scary. I supposed it could have been key to her decision to nuke the relationship––who knows, it wasn't rational and she won't talk to me.

 

Sal you don't know if you genuinely scared her or not. You're acting like you're her mindreader.

 

There is something you could have said at that point. Rather than argue the validity of her feelings you could have just apologized for making her feel unsafe.

[salparadise]

Sal, and I say that as gently and as respectfully as possible, I really think this is a case of you two not being as compatible as you previously thought, as well as having differing response styles.

 

She may be a feeling over reason type (I seem to remember you saying she was an INFJ) and you say you are the rational type. Neither of you are wrong or right, but it looks like you have widely differing accounts of the same incident which seem to be irreconcilable.

 

Yes, I think that is apparent from the outcome. We failed on the first real test of our ability to resolve an issue, a serious issue to her apparently. To me it seems like something we could've resolved if she had been willing to try. Basically, the way I view it now is that she's wound tighter than a banjo string. One single transgression and we're done, no quarter for a phukking white male.

 

I also suspect that once the negativity and devaluing set in that I just didn't have enough equity in my account to balance it out. Even though she'd never admit it, I think she's going to go for a higher status, younger, wealthier carbon unit to replace the one she just trashed.

[PrettyEmily77]

Yes, I think that is apparent from the outcome. We failed on the first real test of our ability to resolve an issue, a serious issue to her apparently. To me it seems like something we could've resolved if she had been willing to try. Basically, the way I view it now is that she's wound tighter than a banjo string. One single transgression and we're done, no quarter for a phukking white male.

 

Not to make light of a difficult situation, and I'm not sure I subscribe to the bolded, but I love the expression.

 

In all seriousness, maybe she feels the same way (not the banjo part, the falling at the first hurdle one), and maybe she thinks you didn't take it as seriously as she thought it was.

 

I also suspect that once the negativity and devaluing set in that I just didn't have enough equity in my account to balance it out. Even though she'd never admit it, I think she's going to go for a higher status, younger, wealthier carbon unit to replace the one she just trashed.

 

Well, that's up to her - even if she did, I wouldn't read too much into it in terms of your own equity balance.

 

It wasn't meant to be, by the sounds of it. Time, distance, grieving, a little introspection, posting on here to clear your mind and you'll be right as rain in no time (well, in a little bit of time, but hopefully not too much... ).

Edited February 19, 2017 by PrettyEmily77

[salparadise]

Not to make light of a difficult situation, and I'm not sure I subscribe to the bolded, but I love the expression.

 

Oh I believe it's absolutely on point. Remember the personality qualities that I've already spoken about –– anxiety, perfectionism, self-critical, zoloft, very concerned with appearance and presentation. I realized that she's wound tight before any of this. I told her that I thought we'd be able to resolve any differences that might arise because we're both good communicators, and she said she wasn't so sure. She knows she's wound tight too. From this perspective, it's amazing that we lasted a year and a half. I'm such a romantic; it wasn't nearly as stable as I thought it was.

 

In all seriousness, maybe she feels the same way (not the banjo part, the falling at the first hurdle one), and maybe she thinks you didn't take it as seriously as she thought it was.

 

She didn't give me a chance. She left that night and said, we'll talk tomorrow. The next day she texted, I need to sit with this a few days. Two days later she texted, Sal, I need to end our relationship, I'm sorry. It was unilateral. If I had been allowed to talk before she made up her mind to nuke it, I may have been able to bring us back into alignment.

 

I bet her thought process included a lot of anger that wasn't even related to the specific incident. I think she has a lot of suppressed anger that proper presentation doesn't allow to be expressed... and once she had something she considered valid, it all came rushing out and was directed at me.

 

Also, she went back on okc a few days later. I really do suspect that part of her issues are that she doesn't actually attach, she recruits people to fill the position. No healthy person can affirm their love to a man on Saturday and be looking to get under another man a few days later. Boy that hurt to see that she was doing that. there's a pretty good chance that she's already sleeping with someone else.

[PrettyEmily77]

Oh I believe it's absolutely on point. Remember the personality qualities that I've already spoken about –– anxiety, perfectionism, self-critical, zoloft, very concerned with appearance and presentation. I realized that she's wound tight before any of this. I told her that I thought we'd be able to resolve any differences that might arise because we're both good communicators, and she said she wasn't so sure. She knows she's wound tight too. From this perspective, it's amazing that we lasted a year and a half. I'm such a romantic; it wasn't nearly as stable as I thought it was.

 

Maybe she has trust issues (I can relate, I have them) that she hasn't yet fully addressed, and maybe you did cross her line that night, who knows - but what is true is that you were very lucky to have experienced such a long honeymoon phase - maybe that skewed both your expectations a little bit?

 

She didn't give me a chance. She left that night and said, we'll talk tomorrow. The next day she texted, I need to sit with this a few days. Two days later she texted, Sal, I need to end our relationship, I'm sorry. It was unilateral. If I had been allowed to talk before she made up her mind to nuke it, I may have been able to bring us back into alignment.

 

 

Also, she went back on okc a few days later. I really do suspect that part of her issues are that she doesn't actually attach, she recruits people to fill the position. No healthy person can affirm their love to a man on Saturday and be looking to get under another man a few days later. Boy that hurt to see that she was doing that. there's a pretty good chance that she's already sleeping with someone else.

 

I really can't tell how unhealthy she is from that, but yeah, that's not cool. Maybe she just wanted to put the nail in the coffin there and then with leaving no chance at reconciliation. It's a bit brutal (I can't relate to that bit at all), but at least it's effective.

 

Ultimately though, however tempting that is, piling all the responsibility of the failure of the relationship on her shoulders alone seems a bit unrealistic, from my point of view.

Edited February 19, 2017 by PrettyEmily77

[Sweetfish]

Absolutely right. I used to think that only my ex believed in her self to be the center of the universe, but it seems now she is not an exception. Throughout our marriage every thing went her way only, me and the children were no more than an obedient "good boys". Still she filed for the divorce after 21 long years. I'd never get the answer or the real reason behind that. Anyway, I don't want to know and I don't care for wtf had happened. its never too late to start over again.

 

 

Yup.. and this thread is just proof of how disposible you are and the many excuses that validate it. The victim card is the strongest card.

 

And no matter how many ppl disagrees.

 

You cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone that has a condition.

 

Disorder, deep wounded personal experience, anxiety ... what ever word you want to use to make you feel "P.C." that triggers your emotions. Who wants to walk on eggshells?

 

Sal already expressed she has a condition and seeks therapy.

 

The reason Sal is not in this relationship is because he wasnt perfect. She is on a quest for the perfect utopia with her self and others. You can't have empathy if it requires cutting long term relationship to achieve that utopia. Having empathy requires perspective of another human being by submitting your own feelings and its clear she cannot do that and was incapable of doing this the whole term of the relationship unless it benefit her.

[JuneL]

 

I also suspect that once the negativity and devaluing set in that I just didn't have enough equity in my account to balance it out. Even though she'd never admit it, I think she's going to go for a higher status, younger, wealthier carbon unit to replace the one she just trashed.

 

I am truly sorry that you are hurting. It must feel like the past 1.5 years was not that much that to her if she could drop you so fast and then go online equally fast.

 

Was her ex-husband "higher status, younger, wealthier" and did he have "enough equity in [his] account"? I'm not sure why you keep bring up things like this (and keep saying she is out of your "league"). Were such things ever an issue during your relationship? Do you think you were resentful about her higher social status during your relationship?

[salparadise]

Ultimately though, however tempting that is, piling all the responsibility of the failure of the relationship on her shoulders alone seems a bit unrealistic, from my point of view.

 

Oh I'm not piling it all on her. I've admitted that I misbehaved and expressed remorse for that as well as allowing the car to get towed, etc.

 

I guess it's also my fault for believing in her, believing that we'd be good at working through issues, idealizing the relationship and being too invested when it wasn't warranted. But these realizations only occurred in hindsight. If she were willing/able to direct a little tiny bit of that trademark compassion and understanding toward me, these things would not have been a mistake, right?

 

But when it comes to the unilateral decision, not allowing me to be heard, he going back on the dating site a few days later, etc., exactly how much of that is MY fault?

 

So what exactly is it that you think I should be owning up to, aside from the obvious which we've already covered at length? There's the "scared" word that I know you women hold sacred, but I'm telling you for the Nth time, it wasn't fair of her to play the trump card.

 

So she wins. I must be a baaaaaaad guy. Women get to decide because they can recruit another hard dick in a few days without really trying.

 

What have I learned? Don't trust women just because they have a smooth facade, sex me up really well and say the love me. Don't ever appear to be upset or frustrated. Be extra considerate of minimum wage people and treat them with the utmost respect. When it comes to issues between men and women, the woman is always right just like in business the customer is always right.

 

When it comes to these matters, doing your best doesn't really mean much. You'll eventually be judged harshly anyway. And only women are allowed to have legitimate grievances.

[Sweetfish]

Oh I'm not piling it all on her. I've admitted that I misbehaved and expressed remorse for that as well as allowing the car to get towed, etc.

 

I guess it's also my fault for believing in her, believing that we'd be good at working through issues, idealizing the relationship and being too invested when it wasn't warranted. But these realizations only occurred in hindsight. If she were willing/able to direct a little tiny bit of that trademark compassion and understanding toward me, these things would not have been a mistake, right?

 

But when it comes to the unilateral decision, not allowing me to be heard, he going back on the dating site a few days later, etc., exactly how much of that is MY fault?

 

So what exactly is it that you think I should be owning up to, aside from the obvious which we've already covered at length? There's the "scared" word that I know you women hold sacred, but I'm telling you for the Nth time, it wasn't fair of her to play the trump card.

 

So she wins. I must be a baaaaaaad guy. Women get to decide because they can recruit another hard dick in a few days without really trying.

 

What have I learned? Don't trust women just because they have a smooth facade, sex me up really well and say the love me. Don't ever appear to be upset or frustrated. Be extra considerate of minimum wage people and treat them with the utmost respect. When it comes to issues between men and women, the woman is always right just like in business the customer is always right.

 

When it comes to these matters, doing your best doesn't really mean much. You'll eventually be judged harshly anyway. And only women are allowed to have legitimate grievances.

 

Pretty much here you have a couple women on the forum who have done the same thing you ex has done.

 

They aligned up with what she did... giving her the benefit of the doubt.

 

And trying to sell you (us) a nice package on how its justified and ok.

 

You as the man... have to cut off all emotions or face the conquences. This includes and not limited to anger, sadness, fear, or jealousy

 

And in no way your credited as the victim in this story... you have to take ownership some how, some way.

[PrettyEmily77]

I guess it's also my fault for believing in her, believing that we'd be good at working through issues, idealizing the relationship and being too invested when it wasn't warranted. But these realizations only occurred in hindsight. If she were willing/able to direct a little tiny bit of that trademark compassion and understanding toward me, these things would not have been a mistake, right?

 

Yeah, maybe you fell too hard for her and forgot to protect yourself a bit from potential problems. I guess 17 months drama-free can do that to someone. Whether she had concerns she didn't voice within that time-frame or whether she didn't voice them forcefully enough or whether she did and they were dismissed is hard to tell at this point.

 

 

So what exactly is it that you think I should be owning up to, aside from the obvious which we've already covered at length? There's the "scared" word that I know you women hold sacred, but I'm telling you for the Nth time, it wasn't fair of her to play the trump card.

 

You think it wasn't fair for her to do that, she may think it wasn't fair for you to dismiss it - I can see both sides.

 

So she wins. I must be a baaaaaaad guy. Women get to decide because they can recruit another hard dick in a few days without really trying.

 

That's a bit of an overstatement, and also a massive over-generalisation. Sorry Sal, I know you're hurting but that doesn't give you leeway to paint all women with the same brush strokes.

 

You're probably not a bad guy, she's probably not a psycho feminazi (or whatever they're called) or a rabid nymphomaniac. She left abruptly, that sucks, but 1. Men do that too 2. That's not really the norm for either gender anyway when it comes to ending the relationship.

 

 

When it comes to these matters, doing your best doesn't really mean much. You'll eventually be judged harshly anyway. And only women are allowed to have legitimate grievances

 

You described her as having strong feminist views, something which, by the sounds of it, didn't enthrall you all that much - that's a major incompatibility, I think.

 

The point is, she told you how she felt and you dismissed it because apparently, it doesn't align with your views of women and 'being scared' = trump card. Maybe she was scared, or maybe she exaggerated a little, I don't know, but you judged her too, by going all female victim tactic on her (or something along those lines).

 

I'm not casting a stone by the way, you're entitled to those views as much as she's entitled to hers, and I hope you will have noticed that no-one on that thread has justified the ghosting part - that was uncool, and you are entirely within your right to feel cheated of a decent explanation.

 

I guess my overall point is that you are incompatible, ultimately.

Edited February 19, 2017 by PrettyEmily77

[Under The Radar]

As others have said we will never truly know why she chose to break up with Sal. The only person who has that information is the OP's ex girlfriend ...... and that is if she is completely self aware and honest with herself ...... which is not a given.

 

I greatly empathize with Sal and the heartbreak that has befallen him. I rarely visit the forums anymore, and when I do, it's to check in on a few people to see how they are doing. Sal is one of those people.

 

I agree that Sal's ex girlfriend has every right to end the relationship if she so chooses ...... which she did. However, the way in which she did it was not compassionate at all. I would have hoped that a highly sensitive person, with a doctorate in psychology, could muster the strength to be kinder and more understanding to the man she claimed to love for over a year.

 

Sal has said he was anxious in the relationship because of his vulnerability. She told him there was nothing to worry about and that his heart was safe. Wouldn't she know, as a psychologist, that the way in which she ended things would only exacerbate his anxiety? Not just now, but possibly in the future when Sal decides to date again? Isn't a part of compassion understanding and forgiveness?

 

I cannot even imagine the pain Sal must have felt to learn she was on Ok Cupid within days of the breakup. Is that normal behavior for someone deeply in love? Again, someone with a background in psychology who claims to be an HSP?

 

My biggest hope for Sal, after he fully heals, is that he will allow himself to become vulnerable with someone else in the future. I want to see him love fully again in an unlimited capacity. I do not want this experience to permanently mar his ability to connect in a meaningful way with another woman.

 

I believe Sal to be a kind and compassionate man ...... a beautiful soul ...... and someone to admire. I don't think for a second that his words towards the tow truck driver or the cashier are his modus operandi. I think he had an especially irritable moment(s) and strayed momentarily from his true character ...... as we all do from time to time.

 

I do not believe that she was ever "out of his league" as Sal has mentioned in some of his posts. I do not think she is evil by any means, but I do think she owed Sal more sensitivity and compassion than was demonstrated.

[SevenCity]

As others have said we will never truly know why she chose to break up with Sal. The only person who has that information is the OP's ex girlfriend ...... and that is if she is completely self aware and honest with herself ...... which is not a given.

 

I greatly empathize with Sal and the heartbreak that has befallen him. I rarely visit the forums anymore, and when I do, it's to check in on a few people to see how they are doing. Sal is one of those people.

 

I agree that Sal's ex girlfriend has every right to end the relationship if she so chooses ...... which she did. However, the way in which she did it was not compassionate at all. I would have hoped that a highly sensitive person, with a doctorate in psychology, could muster the strength to be kinder and more understanding to the man she claimed to love for over a year.

 

Sal has said he was anxious in the relationship because of his vulnerability. She told him there was nothing to worry about and that his heart was safe. Wouldn't she know, as a psychologist, that the way in which she ended things would only exacerbate his anxiety? Not just now, but possibly in the future when Sal decides to date again? Isn't a part of compassion understanding and forgiveness?

 

I cannot even imagine the pain Sal must have felt to learn she was on Ok Cupid within days of the breakup. Is that normal behavior for someone deeply in love? Again, someone with a background in psychology who claims to be an HSP?

 

My biggest hope for Sal, after he fully heals, is that he will allow himself to become vulnerable with someone else in the future. I want to see him love fully again in an unlimited capacity. I do not want this experience to permanently mar his ability to connect in a meaningful way with another woman.

 

I believe Sal to be a kind and compassionate man ...... a beautiful soul ...... and someone to admire. I don't think for a second that his words towards the tow truck driver or the cashier are his modus operandi. I think he had an especially irritable moment(s) and strayed momentarily from his true character ...... as we all do from time to time.

 

I do not believe that she was ever "out of his league" as Sal has mentioned in some of his posts. I do not think she is evil by any means, but I do think she owed Sal more sensitivity and compassion than was demonstrated.

 

In retrospect, I think this may have had more to do with the breakup than this isolated incident.

 

Biologically, women want to be with the best mate they can get. It's ingrained into them and they often are not aware of its impact on selection.

 

By Sal stating this he undoubtedly felt like he was lucky to have her. Although I am not saying he was a doormat, unconsciously I'm sure he exhibited behaviors that turned her off by giving her the impression she could do better.

 

In my experience, when I have the upper hand in a RL a woman has NEVER EVER left me. But they sure did when I lost it.

 

As much as women won't admit it, they like when they have to earn a guy. They respect and love him more as a result. In my situation my ex chased me for over 6 years and when she left I became needy and desperate and she left me for good.

 

People value what's harder to get than what's easy.

[PrettyEmily77]

Biologically, women want to be with the best mate they can get. It's ingrained into them and they often are not aware of its impact on selection.

 

Both intuitively and logically, people want to be with the most compatible partner possible. I don't think for one minute that it's a gender thing.

 

By Sal stating this he undoubtedly felt like he was lucky to have her. Although I am not saying he was a doormat, unconsciously I'm sure he exhibited behaviors that turned her off by giving her the impression she could do better.

 

There might have been a level of anxiety and insecurity at play here from both Sal and his ex-GF for different reasons, which may have explained the showdown that was, from what I gather, their first real dispute.

 

It's a shame that this has resulted in the sudden breakup of their relationship, but I can genuinely see both sides of the fence without making it a gender thing.

[salparadise]

By Sal stating this he undoubtedly felt like he was lucky to have her. Although I am not saying he was a doormat, unconsciously I'm sure he exhibited behaviors that turned her off by giving her the impression she could do better.

 

I told her I felt like a lucky guy pretty often. It wasn't said in the context of "because you're better than me," but because we had great communication, we both loved lots of physical affection, touching, closeness, and because we were good together sexually. I appreciated everything about her. She was validating to me in that she affirmed me with words and deeds. We were equals in the relationship. I don't believe I ever acted like a doormat; we were both always available with our attention and positive regard. It was absolutely beautiful, until suddenly it wasn't. And we're done.

 

Objectively though, she's 11 years younger, PhD vs. BA, six figure income vs. half that much, she's tall and thin, blonde hair, blue eyes, attractive to me and I presume she would be to any guy who's interested in a woman in her age range (50ish). I noticed on her new dating profile she specifies an age range that excludes me, says wealth is 'somewhat important,' and says she wants someone who values education. So I'm guessing she's thinking this time she'll go for wealth, status, and a lifestyle upgrade.

 

In my experience, when I have the upper hand in a RL a woman has NEVER EVER left me. But they sure did when I lost it.

There is something to this, absolutely. Probably a factor in my situation. But neither of us every tried to leverage any upper hand or anything like that. We were both agreeable and conscientious and respectful, always. Edited February 20, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited deleted post part

[Taramere]

Yes, I think that is apparent from the outcome. We failed on the first real test of our ability to resolve an issue, a serious issue to her apparently. To me it seems like something we could've resolved if she had been willing to try. Basically, the way I view it now is that she's wound tighter than a banjo string. One single transgression and we're done, no quarter for a phukking white male.

 

You've mentioned a few times that you think she uses "I'm scared" as a bit of a weapon. I know a few people are annoyed that you've perceived it in that way but that doesn't make it impossible that she was doing exactly that. However there's no way of knowing whether she was genuinely scared or just "at it"....and even if she were just at it, is that something she'd ever be able to own on a conscious level? Doubtful.

 

Imagine the process by which somebody would look in the mirror and say to themselves 'I am the kind of person who sometimes uses phrases like "I'm scared" to control the way another person expresses themselves around me - even when they're just a bit irritated and there's nothing threatening or out of control about their behaviour."

 

I don't think most people are capable of that kind of brutal introspection and objectivity about themselves. And if she's prone to using phrases like "phukking white male" then that probably goes quadruple.

[BluEyeL]

It is most likely that she had other "red flags" that she saw in your behavior and it wasn't just this one incident She probably didn't call you out on those other incidents, and maybe they were minor (to you) and you didn't even register them. Sometimes people who are blindsided are just not aware that there were signs ahead of time.

 

All in all, you probably weren't compatible on the long term. I'm sorry for your heartache.

[Under The Radar]

Sal,

 

I have had some relationship breakups in my life that have caused me profound sorrow and heartbreak.

 

One in particular left me with little to no closure.

 

I still think about it from time to time and am thankful things did not work out with her at the time.

 

It took me a long time to fully recover (Read: Years), but I did and learned a lot. She was not a good match for me no matter what I may have believed.

 

One of the reasons it took me so long to heal is that I am a Highly Sensitive Person. I also developed an attachment style that was less secure and more anxious. When you compound that with earlier abandonment in life it's a breeding ground for trust issues.

 

Having said that I wanted to comment on a couple things if I may:

 

1. The idea that whoever cares the least in a relationship has the power. What people don't tell us is that relationships like this are quite toxic. Healthy relationships are stable and balanced.

 

2. The idea that women as a whole don't love the same as men. That women are always looking to upgrade. That you will be dumped because that's just what women eventually do.

 

I don't subscribe to these ideas even though I have been the recipient of palpable pain in some of my relationships. I can assure you that being a HSP significantly magnifies my emotional distress.

 

All or nothing statements are forms of cognitive distortions. It is dysfunctional thinking. Human beings, as you know, are far more complicated than that. Relationships are far more complicated than that. I judge the person, not the gender.

 

There are some people that post here who are deeply wounded and project their past experiences onto others. They make blanket generalizations and presume their opinions to be facts regarding an entire group of people. I don't want you to end up adopting that mentality moving forward. I think that viewpoint will be an extreme disservice to you in the future. Not only is it not true, but it will be viewed as a huge red flag by most women.

 

It will take some time to fully heal, maybe years like it did in my case, but you will heal. I know you will be a stronger version of yourself. I also believe you will meet a much better partner who will accept your vulnerability, sensitivity, and love with open arms the way you deserve to be treated.

 

Many women are not seeking an "upgrade" with regard to finances, age, or lifestyle. There are many women who are craving a connection with a deeply sensitive man who has a robust emotional intelligence. Someone who makes them feel secure in their love and is affirming in the way that they need. A rewarding relationship that is sustainable for many, many years.

 

I know you are grieving now. I understand how difficult it can be. One day you are sad, the next angry, and then it recycles. Please hang in there and continue posting if it helps. I wish nothing but good things for you. I will continue to root for you as always.

Edited February 20, 2017 by Training Revelations

[chix]

I'm a complete outsider. What I'm observing may not be reflective of reality. However, I know you are searching for ideas of what was amiss for your ex, and I have some suggestions (just based on reading here - whatever value you attribute to that):

 

To me, you read as dismissive of opinions that aren't in accordance with yours. Putting myself in your ex's shoes, if I (showing vulnerability) told my man that he scared me, and he dismissed that as not possible, I could see myself ending a relationship, because I'd feel dismissed and almost mocked at my most vulnerable. I'd feel you'd elevated your own opinion above mine, and not treated as an equal. I'd feel you don't show empathy, and don't care for my perspective.

 

I think it's really important (again, just my thoughts) that she previously mentioned she wasn't sure you 2 could handle conflict, and you dismissed that, because you assumed you both could (but not based on any concrete examples). Why didn't you question her doubt to understand where it was coming from? I'm wondering if you really put as much effort into considering her opinions as your own.

 

I think speculation about your ex's mental health is uncalled for. She ended things, and gave you her reason. She didn't disappear without explaining. I don't think she was right to text it, but you had already dismissed her feeling scared. She may have envisaged you labouring your opinions, and trying to change her mind, as opposed to really listening and acknowledging her as an equal without reacting.

 

I would say, just based on a few examples in the thread (which may, or may not, be indicative of a problem) that communication was not good between you 2 at times.

 

I think slights against all women are uncalled for. Therein lies the dark path to prejudice.

 

These are just the thoughts of an internet stranger. I may be wrong. However, I think I'd end a relationship where I felt not heard, felt my opinions weren't valued as equal, felt embarrassed by my partner's treatment of minimum wage workers, and felt mistreated at my most vulnerable.

 

I hope you know this all comes from a good place, Sal. Not trying to hit you when you're down.

[JuneL]

 

To me, you read as dismissive of opinions that aren't in accordance with yours. Putting myself in your ex's shoes, if I (showing vulnerability) told my man that he scared me, and he dismissed that as not possible, I could see myself ending a relationship, because I'd feel dismissed and almost mocked at my most vulnerable. I'd feel you'd elevated your own opinion above mine, and not treated as an equal. I'd feel you don't show empathy, and don't care for my perspective.

 

 

 

I think it's really important (again, just my thoughts) that she previously mentioned she wasn't sure you 2 could handle conflict, and you dismissed that, because you assumed you both could (but not based on any concrete examples). Why didn't you question her doubt to understand where it was coming from? I'm wondering if you really put as much effort into considering her opinions as your own.

 

 

Great observations. As much as I am sympathetic to his heartbreak, the OP does not seem to have the capacity to understand things from his ex's perspectives, and tends to blame everything on her higher social status and her being a feminist.

[salparadise]

You've mentioned a few times that you think she uses "I'm scared" as a bit of a weapon. I know a few people are annoyed that you've perceived it in that way but that doesn't make it impossible that she was doing exactly that. However there's no way of knowing whether she was genuinely scared or just "at it"....and even if she were just at it, is that something she'd ever be able to own on a conscious level? Doubtful.

 

Imagine the process by which somebody would look in the mirror and say to themselves 'I am the kind of person who sometimes uses phrases like "I'm scared" to control the way another person expresses themselves around me - even when they're just a bit irritated and there's nothing threatening or out of control about their behaviour."

 

I don't think most people are capable of that kind of brutal introspection and objectivity about themselves. And if she's prone to using phrases like "phukking white male" then that probably goes quadruple.

 

 

There's no way for others here to know, but I know. It wasn't fair and it wasn't true. And you're right –– there's no way she could possibly walk that one back; if it were ever to be addressed, the only she could do would be to double down.

 

I have no doubt that she's already done that, and therefore in her recollection, that will be her reality. This is how the human mind and emotions work; things must be reconciled internally and she is not someone who could ever admit to having been wrong or overreacted. I am nearly one-hundred percent certain that the events of that night have grown worse, not better, over time. It's very sad.

[JuneL]

So your relationship was not nearly as loving as you first described after all?

 

There's no way for others here to know, but I know. It wasn't fair and it wasn't true. And you're right –– there's no way she could possibly walk that one back; if it were ever to be addressed, the only she could do would be to double down.

 

I have no doubt that she's already done that, and therefore in her recollection, that will be her reality. This is how the human mind and emotions work; things must be reconciled internally and she is not someone who could ever admit to having been wrong or overreacted. I am nearly one-hundred percent certain that the events of that night have grown worse, not better, over time. It's very sad.

[salparadise]

Great observations. As much as I am sympathetic to his heartbreak, the OP does not seem to have the capacity to understand things from his ex's perspectives, and tends to blame everything on her higher social status and her being a feminist.

 

JuneL, you keep sniping and throwing barbs based on nothing but assumption, always with gender at the core, without adding any original insight of your own. This whole thread is about trying to understand –– do you not get that? I remain open to well reasoned explanations and I appreciate everyone's thoughts, but to say that I am not seeking understanding is pretty lame. You're doing the same thing another poster was doing a few days ago, just with a bit more subtly. I will not be addressing your snipes.

Edited February 20, 2017 by salparadise

[salparadise]

It is most likely that she had other "red flags" that she saw in your behavior and it wasn't just this one incident She probably didn't call you out on those other incidents...

 

She might have been questioning the relationship, but there were no other incidents. As for "red flags," who knows what might have been going on in her her mind, but I may have missed a few of those myself. You know the old idiom, "if something seems too good to be true, then it probably is." But when you're in the midst of it and it feels like fate has finally smiled on you, it's hard to be brutally objective.

[chix]

How long ago did the breakup happen? What have you been doing since then to focus on healing and physical wellbeing?