The post that I hoped I'd never have to write.

[elaine567]

As I get older, I tend to see those signs of doom earlier and am more confident in leaving. In reality, all the talks I had in the past relationships only led to wasting a lot of time, emotional and mental energy on relationships that were no longer working. The end result was always the same. Maybe Sal's ex is at the point where she knows herself so well now that she doesn't waste that time.

 

That had crossed my mind too.

She is ~ fifty, I guess she gave it her best shot and she realised it was hopeless. She is a therapist, she will no doubt know what or what doesn't work for her. She will have worked out the odds of this being a successful relationship.

She will be very au fait with red flags and dealbreakers.

Her reading and her experience will have given her insight.

She therefore doesn't need persuaded to give it another go, or discuss it for weeks and months all to no avail.

 

At fifty+ she also knows that time is not on her side, so wasting it, I guess is not something she was/is willing to do.

[salparadise]

I'm sorry that this happened to you! It seems like many people have offered a lot of support on this thread. It sounds like a lot of people have commented on the concerning nature of a relationship with no fights, no annoyances, no expressed issues. Too many of these can be a problem, but I hope in the future when you are ready to venture out again and risk your heart again, that you will watch and wait for a relationship in which there is the trust between you both to be able to express those things, where faith in the relationship is strong enough and enough trust between you both exists for you to express the difficulties that you do have, and know that your relationship will remain solid even still.

 

But that is for the future. That is a long way away. Right now, I'm all out of advice. It is so hard to know what is right for another person, so mostly I just have questions for you, if you have the heart and strength right now to answer after what you have been through.

 

1) It seems like you have a tendency to really think and analyze things that could end up in rumination, how do you plan to give yourself the closure and avoid ending up on the rumination path--both in the short term and the long term?

 

2) It feels from what you say, like a big wound for you was the cruel and abrupt way she ended the relationship, that she just texted and wouldn't even hear you out. And I'm wondering if there is a way that it feels like only she can heal that wound? And if that is so, is there a way for you to find the kindness within yourself for yourself to heal that part of the wound, to counter that cruelty that she left with you?

 

3) I know self-care is usually thought of in terms of us women, and feminine things such as manicures and messages and face masks come to mind. But self-care is important for everybody. What things are you doing every day to care for yourself? What kind of things do you enjoy that bring you back to yourself (even if it is impossible or next to impossible to enjoy them right now)?

 

4)And perhaps I should have started with this one. What do you feel like you need from us? How can we help further your healing?

 

Thank you Abhainn, for the thoughtful post. It's elegant in its simplicity and touches on a few key points.

 

1) I am a thinker/analyzer. I make sense of things by placing them on a larger framework. Acceptance is the only way since I haven't been able to convince her to have a word with me. It's tempting to vilify her for being cold, cruel and heartless. I think there are elements of those, but as other have said, perhaps she sees it as self preservation or just efficiency.

 

Either way, I question the validity of what I believed we had. It seems more like I got fired from a job rather than the ending of a loving relationship. I feel quite a bit of resentment. She doesn't care. She may even be taking pleasure in knowing that she has the power to make me suffer.

 

2) She could heal that part by simply giving me a few minutes of her time and attention. She has no interest in helping me to heal or alleviate my pain. Cold, heartless, uncaring and unethical, imho. Something is not right about her.

 

"Is there a way for you to find the kindness within yourself for yourself to heal that part of the wound, to counter that cruelty that she left with you?"

 

I don't know. When someone makes you hurt like this intentionally, it's hard to overcome it with kind thoughts. It's inconceivable that the person I thought I knew would be this way. The dissonance is hard to resolve. Suggestions?

 

3) Not doing much differently. Going to work, talking to a few people who are willing to listen... although it's pretty limited. Not many people are interested in hearing a man talk about a broken heart. Maybe I should consider getting my nails done?

 

4) As with anyone empathy and understanding is what one needs when grieving a loss. What I don't need are narrow-minded opinions based entirely on assumptions and gender bias. Well reasoned opinions in either direction is what I'm paying attention to. And of course, discussion about human behavior and motivations that may lead to plausible explanations based on the givens.

[SevenCity]

I hope you don't mind me continuing to discuss this. Sal please also feel free to tell me to stop typing about this here, as it's your thread, and this isn't necessarily of interest to you to read!

 

Usually when people make claims about "all women are.. ", they are talking about a handful of women they've known directly or indirectly. There are billions of us in the world. How many do you claim are as you said? Promise I am not trying to be compative. I just don't see how anyone can genuinely see things so black and white, and authentically claim "most are... ".

 

I don't like any version of is, be it "all [particular religion] people... ", "all [particular physical impairment] people... " and any other variation. Yes, I am a woman. I am also:

 

-a long-haired person who wears a dress or skirt with stilettos every day (I am wearing an headband with pointy black lace animal ears on it today, just for the silliness)

-a displaced person from a broken home

-a person who competes in triathlons

-a person who does all the DIY and the shopping at home

-a person who has lived in 10 or so countries

-the cook and baker at home

-a computer scientist

-a counsellor

-multi-lingual

-a volunteer

-a person who sweeps the entrace to the building and street where I live

-a person who bakes a cake for the birthdays of the elderly people I live near to

-a person who carries extra food to give to homeless people, and always has tissues to give to anyone I see crying

-politically active

-a person in a multi-cultural relationship, where we use 2 either of 2 languages, neither of which is my mother tongue

-and many more things besides

 

On any day, at any point, I might be:

 

-patient or impatient

-empathetic or not

-productive or lazy

-focused or distracted

-happy or falling apart

-and many more things besides

 

Women like me are what women are - variable, and subject to all kinds of circumstances and influences. As I lived in different countries, broke bread with different types of people, felt the warmth of the sun on my face or cold in my bones, and learn the significance of a particular word to a custom or culture, I found similarity on the whole - by that, I mean each type of stereotypical grouping is subject to variable people.

 

It's actually untrue that "most Irish people get drunk". It has become a stereotype, much like that "most Irish people eat potatoes" and so on. People tend to find 1 or 2 people who are [religion/skin colour etc etc], and then make claims about how everyone that fits that mould is. I hear a lot of ignorant steretypes being perpetuated, some of which make me cringe, because people clearly don't know the significance of the words they use. How many people do you know who are aware of the potato famine, or of the significance of divisions between people in the geography of Ireland? How many people who claim anything about Ireland and the people from that geographical location have ever lived there?

 

Sorry, if you find this a bit much to discuss here. Am happy to shut up, or to continue this over PM, if you feel wither is more appropriate.

 

Yea lets not derail the thread but suffice it to say I eat a lot of potatoes

And every fellow Irish man I've met drinks a lot.

 

I don't care what people think about me or my race.

[jenny987]

Hi Sal-

 

I’m fairly new to the board and just read your story- I’m so sorry. My story is different, but I was left with a lot of the same feelings. I was absolutely devastated by our break-up. Couldn’t concentrate at work, couldn’t sleep, anxiety just coursing through my body. I also felt a ton of resentment. I made the mistake of looking at one of my ex’s friend’s Instagram a few weeks after the breakup- and my ex (who is 50, btw) was out at bars, going to concerts, he even threw a freaking BBQ at his house a few weeks after we broke up. Ugh. I hope what I’m suggesting doesn’t sound too “woo woo” for you- but have you ever tried meditating? I downloaded this app called “Headspace” and it gives you 10 free ten minute meditation sessions. I had never done anything like this, and it has helped me immensely, as far as getting out of my analyzing, circular thought patterns. Helped my sleep a ton, too.

 

The main thing I’d like to say is that even if she did/would sit down with you and have this conversation you wanted, I don’t think you would get what you wanted out of it. I had that conversation with my ex, and it made me even more angry. For example, my ex said “You made me feel bad for going on that fishing trip with my friends.” And I said “What? I encouraged you to go on that trip! You were worried about missing an important delivery for your business that was scheduled to arrive on Friday, so instead of going into the office, I worked from your house on Friday so someone would be there to accept delivery!” And then he said “Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Well, anyways, I felt like you resented it.”

 

And round and round. My ex had decided I kept him from doing stuff with his friends, and even though that’s the farthest thing from the truth, nothing was budging him from that story.

 

I think your ex has decided on her story, and nothing’s moving her from it. Maybe even deep down she doesn’t want to meet up with you because she knows the things she has said about you aren’t true, and she doesn’t want anything to shake up the story she’s telling herself.

 

I am feeling better at about 6 weeks out. I do think an important part for me was just talking it to death. I talked about it so much (my friends were very kind about this) that eventually I just started boring myself. Like, really, what is left to say? If you don’t have this support in your life (and I think it is a lot harder for guys), I hope you keep posting here.

 

The biggest issue I think I have left to deal with is feeling like the entire time we were together is a lie. I’ve read articles on breakups and they say that after a while, you get over your hurt and still have those happy memories. I say BS to that! If I have any memories of the good times come up, it is just too painful. I ruthlessly push them away, because I feel like it was all a fraud. I’m not sure how this will unfold, but it’s where I am right now.

 

Hang in there. It’s brutal, and I think especially so in middle-age. You meet someone great, have a lot of fun, fall in love, and start thinking that this will be the person you will spend the last half of your life with. You have all my sympathy, because honestly, I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.

 

(hugs)

[Sweetfish]

I hope you don't mind me continuing to discuss this. Sal please also feel free to tell me to stop typing about this here, as it's your thread, and this isn't necessarily of interest to you to read!

 

Usually when people make claims about "all women are.. ", they are talking about a handful of women they've known directly or indirectly. There are billions of us in the world. How many do you claim are as you said? Promise I am not trying to be compative. I just don't see how anyone can genuinely see things so black and white, and authentically claim "most are... ".

 

I don't like any version of is, be it "all [particular religion] people... ", "all [particular physical impairment] people... " and any other variation. Yes, I am a woman. I am also:

.

 

Chix I would PM you..but you dont have that feature yet.. But I think you should create a new thread expressing this.

 

It sounds like your expressing people here believe women can't do X?

[preraph]

You know, I read back a little to catch up some on this and see where you said she had sort of warned you there was a sign of her you didn't know.

 

You know how people are on their best behavior early in the relationship, especially if they're still hopeful they can make it go somewhere? Women do that too, but usually for different reasons. But after awhile you are holding this part back and you are getting to know the person well enough that you start to realize that they aren't going to be able to handle this part of you. You warn them about it, try to prepare them, open a discussion, but they don't want to deal with that.

 

The trouble is, holding back becomes a real burden and you can't continue to do that for long. That's why all wise people say you have to really be with someone a year or two at least to see all sides of them and really know who they are.

 

I think she knew you weren't going to like that side of her, and she was tired of holding it to herself and decided to let it out only on her way out the door. She realized this was going to be the thing that wasn't a good fit -- and there's probably way more depth to it than you know.

 

Just a thought.

[marky00]

I think she knew you weren't going to like that side of her, and she was tired of holding it to herself and decided to let it out only on her way out the door. She realized this was going to be the thing that wasn't a good fit -- and there's probably way more depth to it than you know.

 

Just a thought.

 

 

That may be true but isn't really an honest and correct way of participating in a relationship.

 

 

Partners take each other on face value and have to assume to a certain extent that what they are seeing is authentic. No one wants to be in a relationship to play Inspector Gadget 24/7.

 

 

It's simply not fair to keep a side of u hidden and then reveal that side when u break up, and almost use that as a reason for the BU.

 

 

If she did indeed do that, she will in time feel pretty horrible for doing that. Nothing worse than exiting a relationship and looking back and realising what a dishonest partner you were. It's so much easier to walk away when you know you laid it on the table and didn't hold back.

[PrettyEmily77]

That may be true but isn't really an honest and correct way of participating in a relationship.

 

 

Partners take each other on face value and have to assume to a certain extent that what they are seeing is authentic. No one wants to be in a relationship to play Inspector Gadget 24/7.

 

 

It's simply not fair to keep a side of u hidden and then reveal that side when u break up, and almost use that as a reason for the BU.

 

 

If she did indeed do that, she will in time feel pretty horrible for doing that. Nothing worse than exiting a relationship and looking back and realising what a dishonest partner you were. It's so much easier to walk away when you know you laid it on the table and didn't hold back.

 

There are 2 paths to take at this point:

Accepting she had her own reasons, dealing with the abrupt ending and letting it go

 

or

 

Imagining the worst case scenario and embittering yourself against all women in general.

 

The first one is not an easy way to take, but ultimately I think the healthiest of the 2.

[marky00]

Imagining the worst case scenario and embittering yourself against all women in general.

 

 

Huh?

 

 

Who said anything about women in general?

 

 

Surely this thread isn't going to get back to gender analysis. It's already long enough as it is.

[Abhainn]

Thank you Abhainn, for the thoughtful post. It's elegant in its simplicity and touches on a few key points.

 

Thank you. I'm just hoping to be helpful for you. Not in all cases, but sometimes people who have a really strong rational bent can have difficulty processing highly emotional events, particularly those of a hurtful and/or traumatic nature.

 

1) I am a thinker/analyzer. I make sense of things by placing them on a larger framework. Acceptance is the only way since I haven't been able to convince her to have a word with me. It's tempting to vilify her for being cold, cruel and heartless. I think there are elements of those, but as other have said, perhaps she sees it as self preservation or just efficiency.

 

Either way, I question the validity of what I believed we had. It seems more like I got fired from a job rather than the ending of a loving relationship. I feel quite a bit of resentment. She doesn't care. She may even be taking pleasure in knowing that she has the power to make me suffer.

 

I really hear that about you, that you are such a thinker and analyzer, that when you approach the world, it is to understand it, to fit into a logical and perhaps intuitive framework and consider the mysteries behind those things that don't yet fit into a framework, or adjust the framwork to the new information.

 

And for you, that is precisely my fear. And it is probably to some degree based on my own experience (which I will keep very limited, because i want to keep the focus as much as possible on you and your experiences right now!). You have just experienced something that makes no sense, that cannot be analyzed with any degree of certainty. It sounds like you have some good guesses about what might have been going on between the two of you, but that certainty in a usable and correct analysis verified by her or an external source is not likely to be forthcoming, and that has the potential to keep you stuck for awhile. I wish I had a good answer for you, on finding that acceptance. Let's just say that in a previous relationship with a similarly confusing end, it took me a long time to process due to a very similar need. And again, I'm sorry for taking so much time here talking about myself, I just hope to see you avoid the longer and more painful path that I took. Part of why I am here is because there were people to help me when I went through something similar, and I want to pay it forward. Also, if you figure out a good answer for this need to really know, and to really understand please let me know!

 

I hear the resentment, and the temptation to vilify her. I think you see already that vilifying her keeps you stuck, just as much as idealizing her would. So how do you find the balance between feeling the natural feelings (anger and resentment) that you need to work through and process without crossing the border into keeping you stuck? Maybe another way to put it is, how do you keep the emphasis on a healthy sense and focus of working through your feelings without placing focus on her?

 

And since so much of this, I feel like, left you feeling like you were out of control (not in an unhealthy way, in a very normal way). And I'm wondering if that feeling is there, how you can start to restore a sense of control for yourself?

 

2) She could heal that part by simply giving me a few minutes of her time and attention. She has no interest in helping me to heal or alleviate my pain. Cold, heartless, uncaring and unethical, imho. Something is not right about her.

 

"Is there a way for you to find the kindness within yourself for yourself to heal that part of the wound, to counter that cruelty that she left with you?"

 

I don't know. When someone makes you hurt like this intentionally, it's hard to overcome it with kind thoughts. It's inconceivable that the person I thought I knew would be this way. The dissonance is hard to resolve. Suggestions?

 

Do you think that if she did meet with you, it would be and do what you wanted, hoped for, and expected?

 

It is possible that she is all of those things. It is possible that she is so wrapped up in her pain and issues that she just cannot be available for yours. At this point recognizing that she may not have been the person you thought she was for the whole time you were in a relationship is probably important. And I really hear that dissonance. The person you thought you knew and the person she turned out to be. And I'm wondering if there is a temptation in that dissonance, to really focus on that aspect, to place the focus on her again, and if that focus on her and the dissonance about who and what she really was compared to what you thought also correlates negatively with your sense of control and mastery over this awful experience you are going through?

 

Also, I agree that kind thoughts are unlikely to work here. I wonder, sometimes when a wound strikes us particularly grievously it hurts us so badly because it stacks right on top of a similar wound we received when younger, when the wound was more than we could handle or process at the age or stage of maturity that we were at.

 

I wonder if this could be what is happening here with you? When you said that you felt lesser to her, because of her age and because of her Ph.D., I'm wondering if that tendency to feel lesser comes from some earlier wound? It seems like someone else could have those same qualities and differences, and not feel lesser to the person who had the Pd.D and the younger age.

 

If so, than a good way to begin to address the wound is to start really looking at yourself at whatever age you were when that first wound struck. Look at pictures of yourself at the age where it happened and ask yourself if you really deserved that wound or the messages you took from it. You might be surprised how much self-compassion this technique can generate. And that self-compassion really can began to heal those old sorts of wounds in a really potent way that kind thoughts (you know, the whole "I'm good enough, smart enough and doggonit people like me" sort of thing) just can't began to approximate.

 

If there isn't such an earlier wound, can you write more deeply and with more length about why her mode of leaving and the complete 180 hurt you so much? Because I'm wondering if a big piece of getting you to feeling more stable, improving your sleep, eating, and functioning right now while dealing with this breakup, is finding some understanding and peace with this wound?

 

3) Not doing much differently. Going to work, talking to a few people who are willing to listen... although it's pretty limited. Not many people are interested in hearing a man talk about a broken heart. Maybe I should consider getting my nails done?

 

lol. Perhaps, I know that they really do manicures for men. Or is that man-icure?

 

Surely there is some little thing that you really enjoy doing. Whether it is biking a trail after work. Tinkering with a theorum or technology that you have. Whether it is painting, or building a hypothesis, or your own informal study of some obscure subject that you love. Usually everyone really does have some little thing that they like to do that brings them back to themselves, I mean even video games or crossword puzzles. Whatever it is for you. Do you have anything like that that you could make a discipline of right now?

 

4) As with anyone empathy and understanding is what one needs when grieving a loss. What I don't need are narrow-minded opinions based entirely on assumptions and gender bias. Well reasoned opinions in either direction is what I'm paying attention to. And of course, discussion about human behavior and motivations that may lead to plausible explanations based on the givens.

 

That is a very well-thought out answer. I will try to provide both empathy and understanding.

 

I definitely hear that it is important that people not give you pat answers, but well-reasoned and thought out responses that avoid simple bromides and genderized generalizations.

 

I think later on there is definitely a place for trying to place her behaviors (limitedly) in context, so that you can analyze things to look for and things to avoid for your next relationship. But right now I really wonder if, for you, placing your focus there too much will start to erode your sense of control and leave you feeling anxious and uncertain without the answers that is seems like your personality structure really feels like it needs?

[preraph]

That may be true but isn't really an honest and correct way of participating in a relationship.

 

 

Partners take each other on face value and have to assume to a certain extent that what they are seeing is authentic. No one wants to be in a relationship to play Inspector Gadget 24/7.

 

 

It's simply not fair to keep a side of u hidden and then reveal that side when u break up, and almost use that as a reason for the BU.

 

 

If she did indeed do that, she will in time feel pretty horrible for doing that. Nothing worse than exiting a relationship and looking back and realising what a dishonest partner you were. It's so much easier to walk away when you know you laid it on the table and didn't hold back.

 

I agree, but men especially do it all the time. And women do too. It's a fact of life. It is not fair. But to be fair, it is also true that sometimes it takes an event to bring out the dark side. This is why I always say before you marry someone, be sure you've seen how they are when their car breaks down or how they are when you or them is sick. People have weird ways under stress and you need to know that. I think she was concealing hers.

[Weezy1973]

I think it's clear she still hasn't really dealt with everything that comes from being in an abusive relationship. How she broke up with you is not what an emotionally healthy person does.

 

And now she's jumped back into dating because, instead of focusing and acknowledging that she isn't ready to be in a relationship yet, she is blaming you (and the next guy, and the next guy) for making her feel unsafe.

 

I'm not sure of her relationship history, but she's 50+, single, and I'm sure blames the men for her failed relationships. She has to look in the mirror as she is the common denominator. But looks like she doesn't want to do that, as she's jumped right back into dating.

 

Break ups do suck though, and I know it's hard. But ultimately you dodged a bullet.

[salparadise]

You know, I read back a little to catch up some on this and see where you said she had sort of warned you there was a sign of her you didn't know.

 

You know how people are on their best behavior early in the relationship, especially if they're still hopeful they can make it go somewhere? Women do that too, but usually for different reasons. But after awhile you are holding this part back and you are getting to know the person well enough that you start to realize that they aren't going to be able to handle this part of you. You warn them about it, try to prepare them, open a discussion, but they don't want to deal with that.

 

The trouble is, holding back becomes a real burden and you can't continue to do that for long. That's why all wise people say you have to really be with someone a year or two at least to see all sides of them and really know who they are.

 

I think she knew you weren't going to like that side of her, and she was tired of holding it to herself and decided to let it out only on her way out the door. She realized this was going to be the thing that wasn't a good fit -- and there's probably way more depth to it than you know.

 

 

I've considered this angle quite a bit, and a few variations of it. There were some other things that she told me along the way that indicated that there was a side of her I hadn't seen. And yes, I was sort of in denial because I didn't want to believe that it was a big deal, and when we were together it felt good.

 

At this point I question whether she's capable of deep connection, relating authentically and forming a strong emotional bond like I did, like healthy people do when they're in a relationship. It was too easy and too fast when she decided to quit. Not being willing to field questions surrounding this are probably the reason she has refused to talk. It's like we were playing house –– pretending to be a committed couple for the purpose of attention, admiration, affection, etc.

 

Recalling how she spoke of previous relationships, her marriage, the guy before me, there was a lack of personalization, vagueness, lack depth and feeling as she recounted previous experiences. I think men are objects that serve a purpose (meeting her needs), easily replaceable and one is about as good as another as long as they meet her standards and mirror the image that she constructs and projects... that of the caring, empathetic, emotionally evolved person of integrity.

 

Normal, healthy people don't just go from full in to zero in a few hours or a few days... and refuse to even talk about it. As you say, there's probably more to it than I know. This fits with Sweetfish's theory, although I'm more interested in figuring out the reason than assigning a label shutting the lid. It could be the that newness had worn off, but I just don't believe that she was in fully in love early on and had started to question it. I suspect that romantic relationships are superficial attachments to her and that she's probably not capable of more. Changing men is easier rearranging the living room. There is something amiss.

[PrettyEmily77]

Huh?

 

 

Who said anything about women in general?

 

 

Surely this thread isn't going to get back to gender analysis. It's already long enough as it is.

 

What I was trying to point out was that perhaps she had a legitimate reason for leaving, rather than some sort of psychological or emotional impairment or an overreaction that she would be bound to regret.

 

When I broke up with my ex, I didn't leave out of the blue: I dreaded the talk but I felt I owed it to him, and most importantly, I knew he would be honest enough to share the responsibility of the relationship going sour; in other words, I had a sense that he would be able to handle it without blame-shifting, denying his part, trying to make me change my mind or putting it all on me.

 

Turns out I was right - so even though I instigated the breakup and he wasn't really over the moon about it, he was secure enough to understand and acknowledge his role in it, and accept that we were not compatible, despite the feelings.

 

I guess I don't really understand why the idea that she left because she felt, as is her prerogative, that the incompatibilities were irreconcilable is so inconceivable...

[SevenCity]

I've considered this angle quite a bit, and a few variations of it. There were some other things that she told me along the way that indicated that there was a side of her I hadn't seen. And yes, I was sort of in denial because I didn't want to believe that it was a big deal, and when we were together it felt good.

 

At this point I question whether she's capable of deep connection, relating authentically and forming a strong emotional bond like I did, like healthy people do when they're in a relationship. It was too easy and too fast when she decided to quit. Not being willing to field questions surrounding this are probably the reason she has refused to talk. It's like we were playing house –– pretending to be a committed couple for the purpose of attention, admiration, affection, etc.

 

Recalling how she spoke of previous relationships, her marriage, the guy before me, there was a lack of personalization, vagueness, lack depth and feeling as she recounted previous experiences. I think men are objects that serve a purpose (meeting her needs), easily replaceable and one is about as good as another as long as they meet her standards and mirror the image that she constructs and projects... that of the caring, empathetic, emotionally evolved person of integrity.

 

Normal, healthy people don't just go from full in to zero in a few hours or a few days... and refuse to even talk about it. As you say, there's probably more to it than I know. This fits with Sweetfish's theory, although I'm more interested in figuring out the reason than assigning a label shutting the lid. It could be the that newness had worn off, but I just don't believe that she was in fully in love early on and had started to question it. I suspect that romantic relationships are superficial attachments to her and that she's probably not capable of more. Changing men is easier rearranging the living room. There is something amiss.

 

The red flags are usually there but we choose not to heed them. They get much clearer as time goes on without them.

 

Going forward though you'll not be able to ignore them in the next girl.

 

At least you can take that from this experience.

[Abhainn]

I've considered this angle quite a bit, and a few variations of it. There were some other things that she told me along the way that indicated that there was a side of her I hadn't seen. And yes, I was sort of in denial because I didn't want to believe that it was a big deal, and when we were together it felt good.

 

At this point I question whether she's capable of deep connection, relating authentically and forming a strong emotional bond like I did, like healthy people do when they're in a relationship. It was too easy and too fast when she decided to quit. Not being willing to field questions surrounding this are probably the reason she has refused to talk. It's like we were playing house –– pretending to be a committed couple for the purpose of attention, admiration, affection, etc.

 

Recalling how she spoke of previous relationships, her marriage, the guy before me, there was a lack of personalization, vagueness, lack depth and feeling as she recounted previous experiences. I think men are objects that serve a purpose (meeting her needs), easily replaceable and one is about as good as another as long as they meet her standards and mirror the image that she constructs and projects... that of the caring, empathetic, emotionally evolved person of integrity.

 

Normal, healthy people don't just go from full in to zero in a few hours or a few days... and refuse to even talk about it. As you say, there's probably more to it than I know. This fits with Sweetfish's theory, although I'm more interested in figuring out the reason than assigning a label shutting the lid. It could be the that newness had worn off, but I just don't believe that she was in fully in love early on and had started to question it. I suspect that romantic relationships are superficial attachments to her and that she's probably not capable of more. Changing men is easier rearranging the living room. There is something amiss.

 

If she was a narcissist, than that changes everything in how you relate to this. how you understand it, and how you recover from it.

 

Are there ways in which she encouraged you to feel lesser than her? Perhaps very subtly, in ways that might not be easily recognized by anyone else as abuse, but that played specifically into particularly vulnerable areas in you?

 

If you feel like its possible at this point, that you might have been the victim of a high-functioning Psychopath or narcissist (and given the Ph.D. clearly she would have enough impulse control to be high-functioning) it really does change a lot, though it might not seem like it.

[salparadise]

If she was a narcissist, than that changes everything in how you relate to this. how you understand it, and how you recover from it.

 

Are there ways in which she encouraged you to feel lesser than her? Perhaps very subtly, in ways that might not be easily recognized by anyone else as abuse, but that played specifically into particularly vulnerable areas in you?

 

If you feel like its possible at this point, that you might have been the victim of a high-functioning Psychopath or narcissist (and given the Ph.D. clearly she would have enough impulse control to be high-functioning) it really does change a lot, though it might not seem like it.

 

I think she played both sides at once. Superficially she would often be charming and generous with praise and compliments, but she also demanded perfect mirroring. As I said previously, the only 'arguments' we'd had were political/philosophical in nature and there was sort of an understanding that we needed to be in alignment. I was required to subscribe to her perspective; it's like I was an extension of her ego rather than a separate person with his own unique perspectives. In others things In other ways she used cognitive processing and control where you'd expect an emotional response –– like she'd decide on a response rather than it being based on feeling, and the range of acceptable/unacceptable was quite narrow and judgmental, and she could be angry and harsh toward people who did not conform to those expectations.

 

I think this is probably how it ended. My behavior was inconsistent with her constructed self-image, and was injurious to her. My little expressions of frustration weren't of a magnitude that would evoke a response from most people, but to here it was egregious and quite personal. These little things weren't even between us or directed at her in any way, but you'd think that I had insulted her directly in the way she reacted. The proportions don't match in terms of the offense to the anger, in the same way they it doesn't make sense to end an otherwise 'ideal' longish term relationship at the first speed bump. Add to this the future-talk and supposed seriousness of the relationship, which in hindsight I think was superficial mirroring, and you have even more areas where the proportions don't match.

 

After a month, it's the superficial charm overlaying anger and a narrow attitude of intolerance, combined with disproportionate responses and the cognitive cut-off where you'd expect emotions to be involved that characterize it all without really explaining anything.

[chix]

I wonder if it's ok to ask a few questions, Sal, simply to put some context to some of your interpretations here. I'm struggling a bit to distinguish between what parts of your posts are you letting off steam because of the newness of the breakup, and what you genuinely think. Feel free to tell me this doesn't belong here, if you'd rather the focus was on other things, or if anything I ask is insensitive/comes across as making light of your feelings.

 

1) Generally speaking, under 2 years isn't a long time to be together, but it's noteworthy (would be deserving of a mention if discussing past relationships, because it will have left lasting effects). Just my opinion. What do you think of this?

 

[Here's an explanation of why I think that...

I think a fairly typical path that people walk is, after a year of being together, they then live together for a year. I think most people are weighing up compatibility and any potential barriers to a long-standing relationship until about the 2 year mark, when they then really decide whether to take the leap into [whatever their ultimate relationship goal is - a legally binding marriage or civil partnership, children, buying a home etc]. That's not to say that, should they agree there's hope for a future together, that they'd immediately start working on their ultimate relationship goal, of course.]

 

2) Generally speaking, until 2 people have lived together, they can't know each other very well, because there are loads of things you don't see about them in everyday life. Again, just my opinion. What do you think of this?

 

[Here's an explanation of why I think that...

I look back at the things I've learnt from living with someone day-to-day (I'm referencing more than 1 relationship), all the daily incidental and significant things we've experienced together, all the times it has felt like we're completely connected and the times like we're miles apart, all the deaths, sicknesses, job worries and uncertainties we've experienced together, all the boring day-to-day discussions about bills, cleaning, whether to buy a new fancy hoover, and whatnot, all the spontaneous moments of dancing, laughter and singing in the shower together, and so on and so on. I only had an impression of how someone was until I lived with them (and vice versa).]

 

3) Generally speaking, I believe most people breakup because of incompatibility, rather than anyone doing something terrible/being a bad person/being a saint or sinner etc. What do you think of this?

 

4) Generally speaking, I believe a partner can mean all the things they say to me (and vice versa) when they say them, but they can still choose to breakup with me at some point in the future, because of something significant I did wrong/because of the culmination of a series of small incidents I did wrong/because they don't see a future with me/because they think we are incompatible, and I must accept their decision, and not try to convince them otherwise. What do you think of this?

 

5) Generally speaking, I believe a relationship is never static; that it's always changing shape. Sometimes people grow permanently apart, sometimes they grow temporarily apart, and sometimes they grow towards each other, and each of these things can happen at any point in a relationship (whether 2 weeks, 2 years, 20 years etc). What do you think of this?

 

6) Generally speaking, I think people cannot assess themselves very well/portray themselves very accurately, because of bias and lack of objectivity, and because we're influenced by some many things at any given moment. What do you think of this?

 

7) Generally speaking, I think I cannot genuinely claim to ever know another person, only that we'll learn more about each other until the day comes that we are no longer in contact. There are people I think have [terrible quality x], that others think are the complete opposite of this, and I believe that neither are wrong. There is not 1 person in life that I think I fully understand. What do you think of this?

 

8) Generally speaking, I think people react to situations in different ways, none of which are wrong. A crisis to 1 person can be a walk in the park to another. What do you think of this?

 

9) Generally speaking, I think it's pretty common for the dumped party (and people soothing them) to paint the dumper as having switched off feelings, having moved on immediately etc, but I know I've dumped people and couldn't have done either of those things, and can't think of anyone else in my life who has been able to do either. What do you think of this?

[Sweetfish]

I think she played both sides at once. Superficially she would often be charming and generous with praise and compliments, but she also demanded perfect mirroring. As I said previously, the only 'arguments' we'd had were political/philosophical in nature and there was sort of an understanding that we needed to be in alignment. I was required to subscribe to her perspective; it's like I was an extension of her ego rather than a separate person with his own unique perspectives. In others things In other ways she used cognitive processing and control where you'd expect an emotional response –– like she'd decide on a response rather than it being based on feeling, and the range of acceptable/unacceptable was quite narrow and judgmental, and she could be angry and harsh toward people who did not conform to those expectations.

 

I think this is probably how it ended. My behavior was inconsistent with her constructed self-image, and was injurious to her. My little expressions of frustration weren't of a magnitude that would evoke a response from most people, but to here it was egregious and quite personal. These little things weren't even between us or directed at her in any way, but you'd think that I had insulted her directly in the way she reacted. The proportions don't match in terms of the offense to the anger, in the same way they it doesn't make sense to end an otherwise 'ideal' longish term relationship at the first speed bump. Add to this the future-talk and supposed seriousness of the relationship, which in hindsight I think was superficial mirroring, and you have even more areas where the proportions don't match.

 

After a month, it's the superficial charm overlaying anger and a narrow attitude of intolerance, combined with disproportionate responses and the cognitive cut-off where you'd expect emotions to be involved that characterize it all without really explaining anything.

 

 

The only people who can construct a true "false self" is a narcissist and parenting is usually is the design of a child's false self which they bring into adulthood. A codependent or another narcissistic person is a perfect relationship because they are easy to extract admiration and mold that person during the honeymoon period. A codependent will give/get the love that they seek and a narcissist will love bomb another narcissist fueling the ego.

 

"The False Self is misrepresented by the narcissist as his True Self. The narcissist is saying, in effect: "I am not who you think I am. I am someone else. I am this (False) Self. Therefore, I deserve a better, painless, more considerate treatment." The False Self, thus, is a contraption intended to alter other people's behavior and attitude towards the narcissist."

 

Many people may say not to worry about it.. well when people are on the edge on committing suicide over a person who is what im seeing here or throw away their lives... Its a big deal.

 

I guarantee the next relationship the O.P. is with, He will see's the signs.. he will know and pick-up the mirroring, gas-lighting, love bombing and ego extension.

 

You don't want to call is narcissism... Fine by me.

 

But if one night you have unprotected sex and you have a child with someone like so... or get married?

 

Prepare for the torture. For those who have been thru the torture before... I commend you and I bless you for surviving it.

Edited February 24, 2017 by Sweetfish

[Abhainn]

The only people who can construct a true "false self" is a narcissist and parenting is usually is the design of a child's false self which they bring into adulthood. A codependent or another narcissistic person is a perfect relationship because they are easy to extract admiration and mold that person during the honeymoon period. A codependent will give/get the love that they seek and a narcissist will love bomb another narcissist fueling the ego.

 

"The False Self is misrepresented by the narcissist as his True Self. The narcissist is saying, in effect: "I am not who you think I am. I am someone else. I am this (False) Self. Therefore, I deserve a better, painless, more considerate treatment." The False Self, thus, is a contraption intended to alter other people's behavior and attitude towards the narcissist."

 

Many people may say not to worry about it.. well when people are on the edge on committing suicide over a person who is what im seeing here or throw away their lives... Its a big deal.

 

I guarantee the next relationship the O.P. is with, He will see's the signs.. he will know and pick-up the mirroring, gas-lighting, love bombing and ego extension.

 

You don't want to call is narcissism... Fine by me.

 

But if one night you have unprotected sex and you have a child with someone like so... or get married?

 

Prepare for the torture. For those who have been thru the torture before... I commend you and I bless you for surviving it.

 

Sweetfish,

 

I really think we need to be careful here, and both let Sal make his own determination based on his own internal certainty. Though I will say there are a lot of signs that point to this interpretation, there are two things that make me hesitant (above and beyond not knowing this situation firsthand).

 

So far, I'm not seeing the systematic devaluation leading up to it, the systematic breakdown of his own self (maybe small shades of that in the understanding that they would be aligned, but not the full-fledged systematic destruction of himself and his boundaries.

 

But also I hesitate greatly, because I have been in a relationship with a high-functioning psychopath (I do not say this lightly, but with lots of research--and not just what you find with a google search--I mean real solid academic research into psychopathy), and it would be all too easy to see those signs that align and overlook signs that didn't and put an interpretation on the situation because of my past that has the potential to cause a great deal of harm to Sal, which given the harm he already has suffered is the last thing he needs right now!

 

It is possible that he was a transitional target as I was, but the relationship seems to have lasted longer than that.

 

It still think it is possible that she was so afraid of conflict that some of those rules got written. However, the allusions to a darker side also ring my warning bells. Mine loved to bring up how manipulative he was (of course, I never saw it and didn't believe him and didn't see that it was staring me in the face until after it was already over).

 

Sal,

 

I hope you will forgive me if I depart from more typical empathy and reflection for awhile. I think for you especially, it is important that you know (from within yourself) what you are dealing with clearly. if she was, I will say that it is highly likely that through various mechanisms she eroded your sense of self, your boundaries, and everything that you are. Because their emotional and empathic centers just do not work, they can see things so clearly and cold-bloodedly that they can see really subtle ways to manipulate that go right under your radar. And that it is why it is so important to make sure that you're certain in either direction. Because what you do to heal will need to be different in either case. The magnitude of what you are left to heal from and with is so different if you have been the victim of a narcissist or psychopath (some people will tell you that these are the same thing, from studying the research I think they are flat wrong! Though both involve highly similar and detrimental relational patterns).

 

I think, too, another measure might be to question if this feels like a typical breakup to you. Are you having the same level of reaction that you normally would? Also, do you feel like you've been completely rearranged, almost to the point where you don't even recognize yourself anymore? In a way different from the usual separation of the merged egos that must occur and the normal low-level identity disturbance resulting from a typical breakup?

[Sweetfish]

Sweetfish,

 

I really think we need to be careful here, and both let Sal make his own determination based on his own internal certainty. Though I will say there are a lot of signs that point to this interpretation, there are two things that make me hesitant (above and beyond not knowing this situation firsthand).

 

So far, I'm not seeing the systematic devaluation leading up to it, the systematic breakdown of his own self (maybe small shades of that in the understanding that they would be aligned, but not the full-fledged systematic destruction of himself and his boundaries.

 

But also I hesitate greatly, because I have been in a relationship with a high-functioning psychopath (I do not say this lightly, but with lots of research--and not just what you find with a google search--I mean real solid academic research into psychopathy), and it would be all too easy to see those signs that align and overlook signs that didn't and put an interpretation on the situation because of my past that has the potential to cause a great deal of harm to Sal, which given the harm he already has suffered is the last thing he needs right now!

 

It is possible that he was a transitional target as I was, but the relationship seems to have lasted longer than that.

 

It still think it is possible that she was so afraid of conflict that some of those rules got written. However, the allusions to a darker side also ring my warning bells. Mine loved to bring up how manipulative he was (of course, I never saw it and didn't believe him and didn't see that it was staring me in the face until after it was already over).

 

Sal,

 

I hope you will forgive me if I depart from more typical empathy and reflection for awhile. I think for you especially, it is important that you know (from within yourself) what you are dealing with clearly. if she was, I will say that it is highly likely that through various mechanisms she eroded your sense of self, your boundaries, and everything that you are. Because their emotional and empathic centers just do not work, they can see things so clearly and cold-bloodedly that they can see really subtle ways to manipulate that go right under your radar. And that it is why it is so important to make sure that you're certain in either direction. Because what you do to heal will need to be different in either case. The magnitude of what you are left to heal from and with is so different if you have been the victim of a narcissist or psychopath (some people will tell you that these are the same thing, from studying the research I think they are flat wrong! Though both involve highly similar and detrimental relational patterns).

 

I think, too, another measure might be to question if this feels like a typical breakup to you. Are you having the same level of reaction that you normally would? Also, do you feel like you've been completely rearranged, almost to the point where you don't even recognize yourself anymore? In a way different from the usual separation of the merged egos that must occur and the normal low-level identity disturbance resulting from a typical breakup?

 

 

I have said it before that ALL information here is just information and the reader needs to come to their own conclusion. I've stated before Sal is a intelligent and older wise man and will come to his own determination.. and that I shouldn't be a scapegoat as many members here have given advice here to divorce, break-up, illegally spy on their S.O. , and make life changing decisions. No one bats and eye. Am I lying or speaking the truth?

That's why I point out the double standards.

 

 

am I a practicing Doctor? No.

 

Am I offering pills, prescriptions.. negative. So what is the big deal?

 

My knowledge of psychology goes back for YEARS before google was google when you had to locate books with in a library with index cards.

 

I actually trust what the O.P. is saying and the words he writes. Many times the O.P. doesn't give us the information we need and its very one sided. This O.P. has expressed his feeling honestly and little by little we get more information. We need to stop placing the exe on a pedestal because she is a woman. It was expressed many times because she was a mother or a woman, that is the reasoning behind her actions. That she had a narcissistic husband that was abusive.

 

A therapist, who is a feminist, suffered sooo much abuse that it created a shifted in her personal defense systems. To bolt because the O.P. rolled his eyes and caught attitude with an employee? Yet the O.P. expresses that she gets angry at people often.

 

Really?

 

So progressively... the exe has became the victim and the O.P. is the one with the nervous breakdown or that he must has raised his voice and stuck fear in the woman. Suddenly, some random poster comes in and says (OH SAL you hurt my feeling in the distant past) and disappears into the wind..

 

 

 

The very reason... and I highlighted what you said... that its a big deal is because its an abuse you don't even know your getting.

 

This blame games reminds me of Charles Mason murder. 3 women committed the murder and Manson did not kill anyone..but he took the majority if not all responsibility of the 7 counts of murder because he is a man.

Edited February 24, 2017 by Sweetfish

[salparadise]

If she was, I will say that it is highly likely that through various mechanisms she eroded your sense of self, your boundaries, and everything that you are. Because their emotional and empathic centers just do not work, they can see things so clearly and cold-bloodedly that they can see really subtle ways to manipulate that go right under your radar.

 

No, I don't think that is the case. I didn't feel manipulated during the relationship and I don't feel like my sense of self was eroded either. I've had relationships with manipulative cluster B types before, and this is not the same. Keep in mind, however, that she has a PhD in psychology from a prestigious school, is a licensed therapist, etc. She would naturally be good at presenting herself the way she wanted to be perceived (caring, empathetic)... until she switches off and no longer cares –– then the anger, resentment, dearth of caring and maybe even sadistic side presents itself.

 

I think, too, another measure might be to question if this feels like a typical breakup to you.

 

No it doesn't. Because typical breakups involve arguments, discussion, ambivalence, tears, often a try at reconciliation, etc. All of these are the result of emotional attachment that cannot be vaporized at the snap of a finger.

 

I think she goes through the motions and is invested in appearing normal, but has extremely shallow attachment and that attachment is simulated cognitively rather than actually being emotional in nature. She is not actually invested with the person/object. I think it's bizarre to tell you the truth.

 

When I set aside my own pain and try to see it from her perspective, I feel sorry for her because I don't think she has ever experience love, and probably never will. It's like training on a simulator rather than flying a real airplane.

[Sweetfish]

All of these are the result of emotional attachment that cannot be vaporized at the snap of a finger.

 

I think she goes through the motions and is invested in appearing normal, but has extremely shallow attachment and that attachment is simulated cognitively rather than actually being emotional in nature. She is not actually invested with the person/object. I think it's bizarre to tell you the truth.

 

Which means without a doubt she is not an INFJ and projected it.

 

When I set aside my own pain and try to see it from her perspective, I feel sorry for her because I don't think she has ever experience love, and probably never will. It's like training on a simulator rather than flying a real airplane.

 

Bingo...

 

Now that is what we can feel compassionate about...this is the pain the person is dealing with.. no matter if they are covert or overt. That is the true victim. A self-esteem so absent that when people get too close they will never attach.

 

Its possible you are simply a planetary nebula now... just another dying star in her path.

 

and there is nothing you can do about it... No cure. No fix. the person them self may not know.

 

The relationship you had with her, should be left etched in the time frame you were with her together. You enjoyed each other company and you had good times and it ended. You can't go back

[salparadise]

I wonder if it's ok to ask a few questions, Sal, simply to put some context to some of your interpretations here. I'm struggling a bit to distinguish between what parts of your posts are you letting off steam because of the newness of the breakup, and what you genuinely think. Feel free to tell me this doesn't belong here, if you'd rather the focus was on other things, or if anything I ask is insensitive/comes across as making light of your feelings.

 

It's fine. I'm going to give short answers.

 

1) Generally speaking, under 2 years isn't a long time to be together, but it's noteworthy (would be deserving of a mention if discussing past relationships, because it will have left lasting effects). Just my opinion. What do you think of this?

 

It's all relative. Sometimes people fall in love and know it's love in a matter of months. For me, 17 months is substantial, enough time to have a pretty good feeling about it if the other persons behavior is consistent and congruent.

 

2) Generally speaking, until 2 people have lived together, they can't know each other very well, because there are loads of things you don't see about them in everyday life. Again, just my opinion. What do you think of this?

 

Eh, sure living together brings a lot of challenges that test people, however, living together before marriage is not universal and many people marry and live happily ever after without cohabiting prior to. I don't think it's an absolute.

 

3) Generally speaking, I believe most people breakup because of incompatibility, rather than anyone doing something terrible/being a bad person/being a saint or sinner etc. What do you think of this?

 

I think a lot of people also stay together despite an incompatibility, because the attachment is real and strong. People break up for all kinds of reasons. I don't think it's always or even usually a cognitive decision. I think people mostly go by what they feel.

 

4) Generally speaking, I believe a partner can mean all the things they say to me (and vice versa) when they say them, but they can still choose to breakup with me at some point in the future, because of something significant I did wrong/because of the culmination of a series of small incidents I did wrong/because they don't see a future with me/because they think we are incompatible, and I must accept their decision, and not try to convince them otherwise. What do you think of this?

 

Sure, it's possible. Almost any scenario is possible. I believe that she may have been feeling it when she said ILU, but that doesn't mean it was deep abiding love. The reality of how it ended suggest otherwise.

 

5) Generally speaking, I believe a relationship is never static; that it's always changing shape. Sometimes people grow permanently apart, sometimes they grow temporarily apart, and sometimes they grow towards each other, and each of these things can happen at any point in a relationship (whether 2 weeks, 2 years, 20 years etc). What do you think of this?

 

Eh, I don't know. In a literal sense it's probably true. But I think relationships can be stable, comfortable, and enduring.

 

6) Generally speaking, I think people cannot assess themselves very well/portray themselves very accurately, because of bias and lack of objectivity, and because we're influenced by some many things at any given moment. What do you think of this?

 

People have varying capacities for self awareness and authenticity.

 

7) Generally speaking, I think I cannot genuinely claim to ever know another person, only that we'll learn more about each other until the day comes that we are no longer in contact. There are people I think have [terrible quality x], that others think are the complete opposite of this, and I believe that neither are wrong. There is not 1 person in life that I think I fully understand. What do you think of this?

 

Probably true.

 

8) Generally speaking, I think people react to situations in different ways, none of which are wrong. A crisis to 1 person can be a walk in the park to another. What do you think of this?

 

True. Everyone's experience is different.

 

9) Generally speaking, I think it's pretty common for the dumped party (and people soothing them) to paint the dumper as having switched off feelings, having moved on immediately etc, but I know I've dumped people and couldn't have done either of those things, and can't think of anyone else in my life who has been able to do either. What do you think of this?

 

I think one knows, such as in my situation, when what happened at the end and the way the other behaved that is wholly incongruent with the picture that was painted during the relationship.

 

Possible or not? Most things are possible. Most people do this or that? Eh, human behavior is so widely divergent that I don't think broad generalizations provide a lot of insight. But we do tend to feel it when behavior is outside that boundary that we consider normal, healthy, ethical and congruent. If it feels bizarre, it probably is.

[Abhainn]

No, I don't think that is the case. I didn't feel manipulated during the relationship and I don't feel like my sense of self was eroded either. I've had relationships with manipulative cluster B types before, and this is not the same. Keep in mind, however, that she has a PhD in psychology from a prestigious school, is a licensed therapist, etc. She would naturally be good at presenting herself the way she wanted to be perceived (caring, empathetic)... until she switches off and no longer cares –– then the anger, resentment, dearth of caring and maybe even sadistic side presents itself.

 

I'm glad to hear that you haven't suffered erosion of your self, and don't feel like you've had the cluster B "experience" again. Once is bad enough with those.

 

It really is sadistic. You are left with the caring, you are left with your love for her, and you are left with the confusion her sudden turnabout brings.

 

In the wake of the confusion, in the wake of her transformation, amidst all the broken pieces of the caring, love, and safe place from which to be vulnerable that you thought you had, how do you regain a healthy sense of control in your life?

 

 

 

No it doesn't. Because typical breakups involve arguments, discussion, ambivalence, tears, often a try at reconciliation, etc. All of these are the result of emotional attachment that cannot be vaporized at the snap of a finger.

 

I think she goes through the motions and is invested in appearing normal, but has extremely shallow attachment and that attachment is simulated cognitively rather than actually being emotional in nature. She is not actually invested with the person/object. I think it's bizarre to tell you the truth.

 

When I set aside my own pain and try to see it from her perspective, I feel sorry for her because I don't think she has ever experience love, and probably never will. It's like training on a simulator rather than flying a real airplane.

 

The fact that you not only can feel so sorry for her because she's never had the real experience of love, but also do, says so much about you. With all the hurt, anger, resentment, love, and empathy for her that you are left with, how do you in the short term and the long term release her?

 

And what things can you do (concretely, in this case, not abstractly) to reclaim your identity separate from hers again, like it was before you met her?