The post that I hoped I'd never have to write.

[Abhainn]

Sal,

 

It really sounds like you have a strong commitment to maintaining no contact, and it sounds like you've really come to realize that she will never give you the kind of closure that you feel that you needed.

 

But I'm wondering if, given your rational bent, given your intelligence and usual discipline, if those strengths of yours might put you at a slight disadvantage and risk for being susceptible to further attempts of hers to contact you, or further desires on your part to contact her. That because of those strengths, you might be tempted to believe that you can "handle" contact without getting drawn in, hurt, or overwhelmed?

 

I've heard you say very clearly that you have no wish to have further contact with her. I'm wondering if you have blocked her? And if you haven't, what kinds of plans you might have made for what you will do if she does contact you? (not just in terms of ignoring or not answering, but how you will in that moment immerse yourself in some activity that you love, writing here or some other thoughts that you know will work for you, so that you will not be overcome by temptation and that wish for that heartfelt ending?

 

Also, what would it be like to extrapolate out with a realistic eye how you would really feel, and what your thoughts would really be if you had gotten that tearful goodbye, or would get it in the future?

 

This is such a personal thing that I hesitate to extrapolate beyond myself. Only you can truly answer this question. What I can say from my own experience is, I had one of these heartfelt teary goodbyes and it left me feeling like there were still feelings and like there was still hope. And that it turned out to be a double-edged sword.

Edited March 1, 2017 by Abhainn

[salparadise]

Sal,

 

It really sounds like you have a strong commitment to maintaining no contact, and it sounds like you've really come to realize that she will never give you the kind of closure that you feel that you needed.

 

But I'm wondering if, given your rational bent, given your intelligence and usual discipline, if those strengths of yours might put you at a slight disadvantage and risk for being susceptible to further attempts of hers to contact you, or further desires on your part to contact her. That because of those strengths, you might be tempted to believe that you can "handle" contact without getting drawn in, hurt, or overwhelmed?

 

I've heard you say very clearly that you have no wish to have further contact with her. I'm wondering if you have blocked her? And if you haven't, what kinds of plans you might have made for what you will do if she does contact you? (not just in terms of ignoring or not answering, but how you will in that moment immerse yourself in some activity that you love, writing here or some other thoughts that you know will work for you, so that you will not be overcome by temptation and that wish for that heartfelt ending?

 

Also, what would it be like to extrapolate out with a realistic eye how you would really feel, and what your thoughts would really be if you had gotten that tearful goodbye, or would get it in the future?

 

This is such a personal thing that I hesitate to extrapolate beyond myself. Only you can truly answer this question. What I can say from my own experience is, I had one of these heartfelt teary goodbyes and it left me feeling like there were still feelings and like there was still hope. And that it turned out to be a double-edged sword.

 

Hi Abhainn, you are right. I do still wish I had answers, I wish we could have a reasonable conversation, I still have a visceral attraction to thoughts of she and I together... all of these pull at me from time to time. It's still hard to believe that she's gone from my life forever, with considerable animosity, and no positive regard for me whatsoever, but that's exactly how it is and I have no choice but to accept it. I don't think I have to worry about her trying to contact me. It's highly unlikely.

 

Yesterday I began writing a final letter/email to her, but not with the intention of sending it, but perhaps posting it here instead. I didn't finish it. I might try to finish it someday, but not today.

 

The question that still stumps me is, "can a person who loves turn those feelings off like a light switch?" My intuition says no they cannot. But that's basically what she claims to have done. And why the all the anger––what's that about? Even if she had made a cognitive decision to end the relationship (for whatever reason) if she were even close to normal in her ability to feel, love, and attach, wouldn't the anger subside and a desire to affirm, perhaps as a parting gift, be the norm.

 

These are all just things we've gone round and round about in the thread, so not really looking to rehash. But it sure is curious how angry, cold and surgical she has been in all of this. I don't get it. It's the diametrical opposite of the person I was with for a year and a half.

 

I haven't really finished processing it all. I called to make an appointment with a therapist today and they said they aren't taking new patients.

[Abhainn]

Hi Abhainn, you are right. I do still wish I had answers, I wish we could have a reasonable conversation, I still have a visceral attraction to thoughts of she and I together... all of these pull at me from time to time. It's still hard to believe that she's gone from my life forever, with considerable animosity, and no positive regard for me whatsoever, but that's exactly how it is and I have no choice but to accept it. I don't think I have to worry about her trying to contact me. It's highly unlikely.

 

Yesterday I began writing a final letter/email to her, but not with the intention of sending it, but perhaps posting it here instead. I didn't finish it. I might try to finish it someday, but not today.

 

The question that still stumps me is, "can a person who loves turn those feelings off like a light switch?" My intuition says no they cannot. But that's basically what she claims to have done. And why the all the anger––what's that about? Even if she had made a cognitive decision to end the relationship (for whatever reason) if she were even close to normal in her ability to feel, love, and attach, wouldn't the anger subside and a desire to affirm, perhaps as a parting gift, be the norm.

 

These are all just things we've gone round and round about in the thread, so not really looking to rehash. But it sure is curious how angry, cold and surgical she has been in all of this. I don't get it. It's the diametrical opposite of the person I was with for a year and a half.

 

I haven't really finished processing it all. I called to make an appointment with a therapist today and they said they aren't taking new patients.

 

If the therapist you had tried was good, and you tried them because you had a good recommendation, you might see if they might be willing to recommend some other therapists who might have openings. I'm sorry to hear that happened to you, the process of finding the right therapist can be long and painstaking.

 

I agree, people who truly love can't just turn off that switch. Something is really wrong that she could. And again, I'm really sorry you had to go through that and experience that dissonance. I wonder if sometimes it feels like there are two of her in your head, the one that you thought you knew, and the stranger who withdrew all affection and devalued you so suddenly?

 

[content regarding moderation redacted] I hope that I have at least been helpful to you. And I do hope that we can continue our conversation! I only went into this last bit so you know that I didn't just leave you hanging. Whatever they decide, I am sure will be the right decision, and if I am gone, it will be no one's fault but my own. I really appreciate your insight and your willingness to heal and grow from this experience!

Edited March 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[salparadise]

[]You've really been helpful to me. You keep hanging in there with me, and I appreciate it greatly.

 

Yes, I absolutely do have two conflicting images of her. Once they merge it will probably be easier to feel some indifference. But I still crave the idealized version that I was in love with. It's amazing that we went a year and a half without seeing that jekyll-hyde thing.

 

It's also funny that the very things she accuses me of are the things she's doing, like having this other dimension that's scary, suppressed anger... and more. This woman is projecting her sh*t onto me. She said I work hard to be controlled, and can be most of the time, but there's something reactionary. I mean every word she says I'm thinking, "you think that about me?" I don't think she's very self-aware. She pretends, and because she's smart and educated she's good at it. She also HATES it when anything she says is challenged. She has this attitude that she's got the PhD, so she's always right. I could make a long list of sh*t that she's not right about.

Edited March 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post and edited content to topical

[Abhainn]

[]I'm very glad that I have been helpful to you. There were many people who hung in there with me for quite a long time several years ago. At this point, many of them I cannot directly thank, and even if I could, I would still choose to thank by paying it forward.

 

Some of the things you are saying here are again leading me to wonder if you weren't at the hands of a narcissist. I only say that because I don't know if they will ever merge completely (if that is the case). If it is, the real person (not the image you knew) will probably start to dominate, but there will always be that part of your mind that if given the wrong memory trigger, will be able to call up that perfectly formed ideal that you were sympathetic to. But taming that down again will become easier over time.

 

I hope that when you start to miss her, and that idealized and fake form that she sold you, you can and do reread your last paragraph.

 

And when you say that she accused you of being reactionary and controlled, when you say that she had that long list of excrement that she was wrong about, I'm wondering if you're feeling angry?

Edited March 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post and edit for topical content

[salparadise]

Some of the things you are saying here are again leading me to wonder if you weren't at the hands of a narcissist. I only say that because I don't know if they will ever merge completely (if that is the case). If it is, the real person (not the image you knew) will probably start to dominate, but there will always be that part of your mind that if given the wrong memory trigger, will be able to call up that perfectly formed ideal that you were sympathetic to. But taming that down again will become easier over time.

 

I hope that when you start to miss her, and that idealized and fake form that she sold you, you can and do reread your last paragraph.

 

And when you say that she accused you of being reactionary and controlled, when you say that she had that long list of excrement that she was wrong about, I'm wondering if you're feeling angry?

 

 

I think there's a good possibility that she's a narcissist. Sweetfish has been saying this all along, and a lot of it fits. But I've been hesitant to assign a label for a few reasons. But yea, there's something out of whack with her... and a lot of it fits the narc characteristics.

 

Yea, there's some anger in there. It's one of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The stages aren't discrete, nor do they always occur in order. I think I've experienced all, and anger is more prevalent now. I'm through the denial and bargaining phases, hopefully. Depression has been with me the whole time. Acceptance will come.

 

I'm angry that she sold me on someone that didn't exist. I invested and reached deep to be authentic and wholehearted in this relationship. It meant nothing to her in the end. She decided she was done, cut me off via text, refused to speak, and immediately went online looking for dick. I'd say anger is justified.

Edited March 2, 2017 by salparadise

[Abhainn]

It really sounds like you're feeling some really raw emotions tonight. Anger, sadness, confusion and the lot.

 

I really want to be able to give you a thorough and thoughtful reply and right now I am so exhausted that I know that I can't give you the kind of answer you really need and won't be able to until after I've rested.

 

But I do want you to know that I have read your post carefully, that you have been heard, I'm thinking about everything that you've said, and that I do really hear your feelings, and am so sorry that you are hurting right now!

[marky00]

 

Some of the things you are saying here are again leading me to wonder if you weren't at the hands of a narcissist.

 

Of course she is a narcissist.

 

 

My Ex was identical in how she broke it off. After 9 years, dumped me in another country when I was visiting her on a holiday. Just prior to the breakup she had been making little insults about my looks etc and then rather than breaking it off in person, she just left me hanging in a hotel with zero reasons for the BU other than that she had met someone else.

 

 

The part that I still live with today is why she was so cruel during the BU and also post BU. A few months later we had some LC and for some strange reason she thought I was in her country (which I wasn't) and she made a comment about calling the police on me.

 

 

She took every opportunity to put the knife in and yet for 9 years, I had always treated her well and always considered her feelings.

 

 

I agree with you when you say that you'd expect her to act more GROUNDED during and post BU because judging by her actions, she had already checked out anyway. So why would she then twist the knife further, it doesn't make sense.

 

 

My Ex has been messaging lately after 8 months hard NC. I never respond. I notice now her messages are far more respectful and she is starting to cut the BS finally.

 

 

I think both of our Exes are narcissists without question. However, I do have a theory that may explain their behaviour on another level.

 

 

I believe our exes are actually feeling extremely guilty. Narcissists (since they are ego driven), actually find it extremely hard to deal with guilt. There only way to deal with it is sliding it under the carpet. Thing is but, this time around the guilt is just to big to slide under the carpet. So what do they do? They make some drama, give you some hurtful (and untrue) reasons for the BU, hurt you some more during any lame reach-out sessions you may fall victim to. Subconsciously, they want a blow-up, a reaction from you so they can feel less guilty because you tell them off or whatever. They are looking for any little thing that might help with the guilt.

 

 

That's why I tell you once again to keep feeding her a SILENCE SANDWICH. Let her eat on that for a long time (possibly eternity). You will give her the greatest life lesson you can give someone. And you can take a small amount of pleasure knowing that the lesson will BURN her a little and that she probably will think twice before ever acting that way again.

[William]

Folks, please don't discuss member dispositions or any private real or prospective contact with moderation on open forum. Discussing via PM is fine. If needing or wanting to contact moderation, especially regarding any on-forum content, press the 'Alert Us' button on any post and share what's on your mind. We'll respond as appropriate.

 

With that out of the way, back to the topic under discussion.

[Abhainn]

Folks, please don't discuss member dispositions or any private real or prospective contact with moderation on open forum. Discussing via PM is fine. If needing or wanting to contact moderation, especially regarding any on-forum content, press the 'Alert Us' button on any post and share what's on your mind. We'll respond as appropriate.

 

With that out of the way, back to the topic under discussion.

 

My apologies. I wanted to make sure that Sal knew that I hadn't just disappeared on him. I will not do so again!

[Abhainn]

I think there's a good possibility that she's a narcissist. Sweetfish has been saying this all along, and a lot of it fits. But I've been hesitant to assign a label for a few reasons. But yea, there's something out of whack with her... and a lot of it fits the narc characteristics.

 

Yea, there's some anger in there. It's one of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The stages aren't discrete, nor do they always occur in order. I think I've experienced all, and anger is more prevalent now. I'm through the denial and bargaining phases, hopefully. Depression has been with me the whole time. Acceptance will come.

 

I'm angry that she sold me on someone that didn't exist. I invested and reached deep to be authentic and wholehearted in this relationship. It meant nothing to her in the end. She decided she was done, cut me off via text, refused to speak, and immediately went online looking for dick. I'd say anger is justified.

 

It sounds like authenticity and wholeheartedness were really important to you. I find it interesting that you say that anger is justified. I definitely agree but wonder about something. Feelings are feelings. They just are. They are what make life really interesting and meaningful.They also are a very good gauge of things that are good for us or that something is wrong in that situation, and also helps show us situations where we are good (hopefully, for others). Whatever you feel is simply what you feel and it is okay to acknowledge that and feel it. Though given a society with many people in it, actions often need justification, feelings really don't. Even if we're "overreacting" to something, often it is because we are reacting based on previous experiences we've had, and the feelings still are legitimate, even though maybe few others in that situation would feel the same thing.

 

I think obviously we cannot use feelings to justify our actions, particularly actions that hurt someone else. However, I hope you can feel what you feel legitimately without having to justify it.

 

And I wonder if its possible, when you say that you reached deep to be authentic and wholehearted, if you feel diminished and lesser, like her actions make a statement on your authentic and wholehearted worth?

[salparadise]

It sounds like authenticity and wholeheartedness were really important to you.

 

They're absolutely important. That's what it's all about, is it not? Who wants to waste time and emotional investment on people who say words but with nothing real behind them?

 

I suspect that this whole relationship may have been just that. I don't want to believe that, but that's what I'm left with. A sensitive, loving, caring, dedicated life partner who turned out to be none of those. Merely an act, a facade –– she was very good at creating the persona and encouraging me to invest, and that I did. Then she used my authenticity to inflict maximum hurt when she was ready to move on, and I suspect that she takes satisfaction in it. She orchestrated the whole thing, from the initial attachment to the cruel cutoff. My feelings were meaningful only to the degree they boosted her ego.

 

I find it interesting that you say that anger is justified. I definitely agree but wonder about something. Feelings are feelings. They just are.

 

I don't think analyzing the use of the word justified takes us anywhere. I understand that feelings are what they are, etc., etc. Let's replace it with understandable and let it go.

 

And I wonder if its possible, when you say that you reached deep to be authentic and wholehearted, if you feel diminished and lesser, like her actions make a statement on your authentic and wholehearted worth?

 

No, I am proud to be who I am in that regard. It's like when an honest person gets swindled out of some money –– they aren't diminished in their honesty, they are injured due to someone having used their positive qualities against them. I look at it like I got swindled out of my investment, not my qualities.

[Abhainn]

They're absolutely important. That's what it's all about, is it not? Who wants to waste time and emotional investment on people who say words but with nothing real behind them?

 

I suspect that this whole relationship may have been just that. I don't want to believe that, but that's what I'm left with. A sensitive, loving, caring, dedicated life partner who turned out to be none of those. Merely an act, a facade –– she was very good at creating the persona and encouraging me to invest, and that I did. Then she used my authenticity to inflict maximum hurt when she was ready to move on, and I suspect that she takes satisfaction in it. She orchestrated the whole thing, from the initial attachment to the cruel cutoff. My feelings were meaningful only to the degree they boosted her ego.

 

That is likely exactly what they meant to her. To a random observer/person here on the interwebs (me), they mean and show me that you have a great deal of internal strength. To you, I've heard you say several times that your ability to be vulnerable in relationship, your ability to give of yourself wholeheartedly and authentically are not only meaningful but vital to a relationship, and later in this post you clearly say that you that you are proud of them. It sounds like they are incredibly meaningful for you, not just what you gave her, but that you carrythem forward with the next woman you have a relationship with, after you have healed.

 

I don't think analyzing the use of the word justified takes us anywhere. I understand that feelings are what they are, etc., etc. Let's replace it with understandable and let it go.

 

Wow. I really did go overboard there, didn't I? My sincere apologies! I might have an opinion that we as a culture can be too judgmental of each others' and our own feelings and it appears I got more than a little carried away there.

 

No, I am proud to be who I am in that regard. It's like when an honest person gets swindled out of some money –– they aren't diminished in their honesty, they are injured due to someone having used their positive qualities against them. I look at it like I got swindled out of my investment, not my qualities.

 

As horrible as this situation is for you, reading this last bit made me really happy, that despite everything and despite her you still hold on to your worth so strongly. Wholeheartedness, honesty, and authenticity are vital to a relationship and they are wonderful qualities for a man to have, and to be proud of. I am sorry you got swindled, not only out of the love and care you gave her, but also all the time you put in, and most especially all of the vulnerability and trust you laid in her hands.

 

What do you feel like you need from us now?

[salparadise]

That is likely exactly what they meant to her. To a random observer/person here on the interwebs (me), they mean and show me that you have a great deal of internal strength. To you, I've heard you say several times that your ability to be vulnerable in relationship, your ability to give of yourself wholeheartedly and authentically are not only meaningful but vital to a relationship, and later in this post you clearly say that you that you are proud of them. It sounds like they are incredibly meaningful for you, not just what you gave her, but that you carrythem forward with the next woman you have a relationship with, after you have healed.

 

Yes, I must embrace that and prepare to do it again. I just need to figure out how know when and with whom. I was totally fooled right up until she flipped the switch. There were clues that I can see in hindsight, but ignored at the time. It felt like not only the best relationship I've had, but the best I could imagine.

 

Wow. I really did go overboard there, didn't I? My sincere apologies! I might have an opinion that we as a culture can be too judgmental of each others' and our own feelings and it appears I got more than a little carried away there.

 

Nah, you just attributed a literal meaning to the word that I didn't intend. No biggie.

 

 

 

As horrible as this situation is for you, reading this last bit made me really happy, that despite everything and despite her you still hold on to your worth so strongly. Wholeheartedness, honesty, and authenticity are vital to a relationship and they are wonderful qualities for a man to have, and to be proud of. I am sorry you got swindled, not only out of the love and care you gave her, but also all the time you put in, and most especially all of the vulnerability and trust you laid in her hands.

 

Yea, the way you say it makes me sound like a tragic character in a Shakespeare play or something. I have to try not to maximize it and start feeling like a victim. I took a chance on what I thought was the real deal and lost. I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's just a day in the life. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

 

What do you feel like you need from us now?

 

I don't know exactly. Looks like we've exhausted everyone else, but I do appreciate you still hanging with me. I have come a long way but still have a ways to go. I responded to a few other threads today. First time I had felt like trying to contribute to someone else in over a month.

 

I wish your PM was working -

[Abhainn]

Again I wanted you to know that I am here and listening, that after this week my brains are pretty scrambled, and I still have a volunteer shift (which what I do is pretty intense) tonight and I won't get done until midnight at the least.

 

It probably will be tomorrow unless I get a slow period later tonight before I can put the requisite time and attention on it.

[Onnanoko]

Hi Sal. I was wondering how you've been doing since the last time I posted on your thread. Has your heart been healing with each passing day, or has your healing been difficult? Are you still keeping NC with your ex-girlfriend? Has she attempted to contact you since you last interacted with her?

 

I hope you are doing well and that each day brings you a newfound sense of strength, hope and acceptance.

[salparadise]

Hi Onnanoko, thank you for checking and the good wishes. Its' amazing how healing it feels just to know that people like you are thinking about me and wishing me well.

 

I would have to say both. I have been healing but it's slow and difficult. It's in my awareness most of the time, and there is tangible pain and a pervasive sense of sadness and loss. Last night I woke up after dreaming that she had come back to me, apologized, said she loved me and said it was all a big mistake. I guess this is where I am emotionally; the negotiation stage of grief.

 

It's hard to just let it go. I don't have a good support network in real life. I just can't keep talking about it, even to those people who have been understanding and empathetic. I am eating and sleeping better, but still wake up several times during the night, always with it on my mind and imagining how sweet it would be if she were there beside me like before.

 

There has been no contact. She unfriended me on FB after the last and only time we texted after the breakup (at 3-4 weeks). It was hurtful but not unexpected. For some unknown reason, she seems to need to inflict maximum pain rather than helping to alleviate it, and this is completely the opposite of how she presents herself outwardly... caring, compassionate, etc. She has underlying issues for which I became the scapegoat and target of distain, and I will probably never understand what those are.

 

While I hate the way I was treated, I can't bring myself to turn that into negative feelings toward her personally. I'd give anything to go back to the way things were before. Life is just hard sometimes, and all we can do is try to accept that that's the way it is, and that our suffering is not unique and not as bad as for many others who have it far worse.

 

Thank you again, Onnanoko. It's very generous of you to keep me in your thoughts.

[Onnanoko]

Hi Onnanoko, thank you for checking and the good wishes. Its' amazing how healing it feels just to know that people like you are thinking about me and wishing me well.

 

I would have to say both. I have been healing but it's slow and difficult. It's in my awareness most of the time, and there is tangible pain and a pervasive sense of sadness and loss. Last night I woke up after dreaming that she had come back to me, apologized, said she loved me and said it was all a big mistake. I guess this is where I am emotionally; the negotiation stage of grief.

 

I went through these whole range of emotions after my last break up a few years ago. My healing was slow...and sometimes I back slided and went through days and weeks when that sense of loss and sadness seemed to stagnate in my subconscious. But then, those emotions began to lift, one day (sometimes one hour) at a time. Then one day, I realized that the loss and sadness I was experiencing was dissipating...and that gave me more strength and faith! I began smiling again, I began to find the joy in things again. I started going to bed and waking up each morning with a sense of hope and looking forward to the happiness I knew I would feel and experience again with someone new. I will be so happy for you when you finally reach this stage. You'll start to feel *alive* again.

 

 

It's hard to just let it go. I don't have a good support network in real life. I just can't keep talking about it, even to those people who have been understanding and empathetic. I am eating and sleeping better, but still wake up several times during the night, always with it on my mind and imagining how sweet it would be if she were there beside me like before.

 

Having a good support network or at least one person who cares about you to talk to about this is SO very important. I don't know what I would've done if I didn't have some members of my family and my bestie to talk to about what I was going through during that break up. A person who truly cares about what you're going through will want to be there for you, even if it's just to let you vent and to listen to what emotions you are feeling on that particular day. Don't try to block the feelings that you feel when you think of wishing she was there next to you...allow them to flow through you and OUT of you. If you block them, they will only fester and will build up inside of you. Just let all of your thoughts about her out. Pretty soon, you will begin to think less and less of her...and more about your future...and the good things that will be arriving in your life soon.

 

 

There has been no contact. She unfriended me on FB after the last and only time we texted after the breakup (at 3-4 weeks). It was hurtful but not unexpected. For some unknown reason, she seems to need to inflict maximum pain rather than helping to alleviate it, and this is completely the opposite of how she presents herself outwardly... caring, compassionate, etc. She has underlying issues for which I became the scapegoat and target of distain, and I will probably never understand what those are.

 

She is feeling the guilt of what she has done to you. It is far easier for her to blame the break up on YOU and to make YOU suffer by being cruel and apathetic towards you than it is for her to accept and admit (to herself) not only what she has done to you regarding the break up - but HOW she went about doing it. Someday, she will reap what she has sown...and someone else will do to her what she has done to you. It will only be then that she will finally have her epiphany...and she'll understand why it was wrong how she broke up with you and treating you as cruelly and cold as she did. I know you do not wish Karma on her, but this is the way the Universe works. It is all about the energy we put out - whether it is positive or negative. And, like a boomerang, the Universe will return the energy a person has released. Alternatively, the positive energy and compassionate emotions you are releasing towards your ex-girlfriend (whether intentional or not) will eventually be returned to you...

 

 

While I hate the way I was treated, I can't bring myself to turn that into negative feelings toward her personally. I'd give anything to go back to the way things were before. Life is just hard sometimes, and all we can do is try to accept that that's the way it is, and that our suffering is not unique and not as bad as for many others who have it far worse.

 

Thank you again, Onnanoko. It's very generous of you to keep me in your thoughts.

 

You have such a caring and compassionate heart. It's very difficult for women to find this quality in a guy. It shows that, regardless of everything she has done to you and HOW cruelly and cold she did it, you STILL hold no ill will towards her - even going so far as to wishing she was back in your life. You must have loved her very much!

 

Sal, there is someone out there for you...and there is someone out there for me. We just haven't met them yet - because it isn't time yet. Once we learn the lesson(s) we need to learn regarding people and relationships, I am convinced that the Universe will manifest in our life the person that we'll click with and are meant to be with! You have stayed strong with NC even though your feelings for her are still strong - and this takes an immense amount of inner strength emotionally and spiritually. You are well on your way through the long and winding path of healing and acceptance.

 

Remain strong and, smile. You are not alone! There are many like you who are traveling (and who are about to travel) down this same path. I wish you nothing but the best...and look forward to the day that you create a new thread about how far you have come - and that the hurt, loss and sadness you've felt in your heart has been replaced with peacefulness, hope and happiness.

[TooRational]

I somehow stumbled upon this thread by accident (through searching). I obviously didn't read it all but I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. Breakups are hard but yours seems to be off the charts. It's like my worst fear coming true.

 

I hope that you are slowly healing. Take your time, time will do wonders but you can't speed it up unfortunately. Good luck to you and I hope you can love again as deeply and not be blindsided next time around.

[salparadise]

Thank you, TooRational. It was off the charts, as you say. I've been thinking about posting an update but there isn't much news. She's with someone else already. Only took her a few weeks to select a replacement. That pretty much confirms what I suspected. I'm healing slowly, trying to focus forward but it's still hard. There is a trauma component that make it difficult to let go of. I've been fortunate to have some good people recognize how hard it is and generously offer their time and attention to help me work through. I really appreciate your thoughts too. Maybe it's time to work on that update. Take care.

[Sweetfish]

Thank you, TooRational. It was off the charts, as you say. I've been thinking about posting an update but there isn't much news. She's with someone else already. Only took her a few weeks to select a replacement. That pretty much confirms what I suspected. I'm healing slowly, trying to focus forward but it's still hard. There is a trauma component that make it difficult to let go of. I've been fortunate to have some good people recognize how hard it is and generously offer their time and attention to help me work through. I really appreciate your thoughts too. Maybe it's time to work on that update. Take care.

 

 

What she did was straight up abuse. You will be left with a scar. It will take a long time to heal, but it will get better with time. It takes a long time SAL.

[ZayKayWill]

Hey man. I know we don't always agree on a lot of stuff, but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for what happened to you and I hope you're doing okay.

[magnesium]

What she did was straight up abuse. You will be left with a scar. It will take a long time to heal, but it will get better with time. It takes a long time SAL.

 

+1 on this.

 

A narcissistic relationship is crazy-making to the extreme.

 

Be extra-compassionate to yourself, forgive yourself, rebuild yourself.

 

Don't have much else to add except I've been discarded by a narc before as well. I understand where you are coming from.

 

You will get through this friend.