What's Next For Me

[BecauseOfLove]

Hi everyone, a little over two months ago, I was overseas and met someone through an online dating site and we hung out on my last night. After returning back to my country, we started texting and I told her I liked her, and she was pretty happy.

 

A few weeks later, I found myself travelling to her country again for four days, where we met. I surprised her with little handmade gifts and acts of service. She sent some signals that she liked me too, but it was only on the last day where I admitted that I liked her and she said she liked me too, though she wanted us to get to know each other better first.

 

The Christmas period was pretty great, as we texted daily while she herself was on holiday. On New Year's Eve, she surprised me by coming to find me in my country, though to be fair, I wasn't quite myself and was doubting my feelings for her (I tend to overthink things). Nonetheless, we hung out. After she flew back, I got emotional and started missing her, and she knew it.

 

A few days later, she stopped contacting me altogether for a whole day, which was not usual of her. That weekend, I flew down for a day to find out what was wrong. Turns out she didn't really check each message though she'll click on them. She also admitted that she wasn't ready for a relationship (she'd just broken up with her ex) and asked me to find someone else.

 

I told her that to do that, I'd have to find a rebound or someone way better than her, as she's set the standard very high. We agreed to take things slow and just remain friends who are interested in each other.

 

In the weeks to follow, her messages became very ad hoc and I tried my best not to be pushy, giving her the space she needed. She was supposed to fly over again in the same month for a major holiday both our countries shared, but she forfeited the ticket as she had some family issue going on. I wasn't angry that she didn't come, as she had raised the possibility of her family gathering getting in the way, but I was a little annoyed that she didn't tell me in advance and gave me radio silence, as I'd cleared my schedule for her.

 

Fast forward to last week, and she started contacting me again. We messaged, Skyped, and just when I thought things were going well again, she admitted that she sent a letter which I wouldn't like. I bugged her about what was in the letter and she told me that it wasn't right to keep me waiting for her, that she didn't understand why she wasn't putting in the effort and that her previous love felt more familiar. I ended by telling her that I am selfish and that I want her even though it'll take time.

 

The following days were filled with few messages, though she did call me over the weekend for a quick, casual conversation. On Tuesday, I received the letter and it broke my heart. She said all the nice things in the first part, and followed up by saying that I should find someone who adores me more, and that we should remain friends.

 

I called her right after that, and I reiterated my stance. She suggested being friends with the possibility of becoming something else after that, and she asked me what would happen if she changed or fell for someone else. I answered that she could be despised by everyone and still my feelings for her won't change, and that if she found someone better, at least we tried to work something out.

 

We had to end our conversation for dinner, and after that when I tried calling her, she didn't pick up. I decided to take the advice of a popular dating coach who wrote about principles to get an ex back (his initials are CW) and sent her one final message with the intent on doing the "no contact rule" (NC).

 

My message was along the lines of "Since knowing you, I've liked you and you remain the loveliest person I've met. I'm not interested in being just a normal friend. I can't be with you and not love you - hug you, say sweet things and have you. If you don't feel the same way, then let's not see or speak to each other anymore. Don't contact me unless you change your mind and want to continue the romance we had. I wish you all the best, but I am not willing to settle for anything less than who I want eventually - you".

 

It's been nearly two days since the message was sent, and there's been no reply from her. I'll admit that I'm tempted to clarify and send something else, call her or even fly over to see her. But with so many people advocating NC, I'm also trying to stick to my guns and see how things pan out.

 

I'm just wondering if my message was unclear, or if I shouldn't have sent it in the first place. The coach's advice seemed sound at that point in time and put me in the best negotiating position, but what if it doesn't even apply in my situation? Hopefully you kind people here can offer some words of advice. If you need more details, I'll be happy to give them. Thank you.

[todreaminblue]

hey...sorry this has happened to you.....i feel you are doing the right thing some people can be friends after splitting and some shouldn't and some just plain cant......when you have really strong feelings for someone its really hard to reign in emotions that one make you feel awkward and two make them feel awkward if you show them....it makes you feel a bit fake.....and if you are a person who likes to be real and expressive and affectionate then you are in the last category of cannot be friends.....it messes you up ......emotions are actually heightened....

 

 

internal combustion of unexpressed emotions is like hell..it is hell..drives you crazy...or if you are used to living in hell...you last a bit longer if you are used to toughing out bad situations to be in....and meditating every day........so stick to your no contact rule.....

 

you are right to have said what you did......and she cannot expect a friendship to happen with the way you feel....she should understand that and respect your wishes or if she really cares....she will make her choice......she needs to be as serious about you as you are about her...and i wish you all the best...deb

[goldway90]

She also admitted that she wasn't ready for a relationship (she'd just broken up with her ex) and asked me to find someone else.

 

You should've stopped pursuing after this but you made so many mistakes, acted way too needy.

 

So to answer your question what next for you is to actually delete her number and move on, get more experience by meeting other women. If you told her i don't want be just friends and you wait by the phone for a reply then what's the point?

 

Being needy is a big turn off for women and the only way to get rid of that neediness is by meeting and talking to girls. The rule is the more women you meet, the less needy you become.