Excluded by my family

[clandestinidad]

I'm very hurt, sad, and shocked right now. My sister and I have NEVER gotten along (she's always been emotionally abusive...saying things such as: "We're all happy whenever youre not around, and then when YOU'RE here everyone's miserable"...taking and hiding my things, etc) So....she's in town now, and for some reason whenever she's here I'm not included in ANYTHING that goes on.

 

A few months ago she was here, and I was at my parents house too. They all ended up going somewhere together, leaving my daughter and I there at their house....telling me that I should stay there till they get back!!!!!

 

Okay, so a little while ago I called my mom and said that I'd like for my daughter and I to go with them to visit my grandparents, b/c I havent seen them much. She responded with: Well, since you live here you've had chances to visit with them and you havent, which is fine b/c you've had things to do....but __ (sister) hasnt gotten to see them, and she'd like to get to see them without you and ___ (my daughter) there.

 

I WAS FLOORED!!! which i shouldnt be, b/c I should be used to it all

 

So I responded with (not yelling, just stern).....I cant believe that! That is one of the most selfish, rude things I've heard! We're a FAMILY! Families dont do that! I'm gonna get off the phone now...I'm not mad at you, its the situation...

 

Am I wrong here?!?! I mean, my family's getting together with my grandparents, and their excluding me and my daughter on purpose, so that my sister can have them all to herself?!?!?!?!?!? And she calls ME selfish!!!!!!!!!!!

[clandestinidad]

I forgot to mention that my sister is almost 28, and in seminary school b/c she thinks/thought God called her to be a Missionary....so we're not dealing with a clueless selfish child......well, maybe we are

[Blackfrost]

sounds like some of the family games I grew up with as well. The best thing I ever did, was say "this is over - have a good life" and haven't spoken to my mother, father or brother since then - like 4 years ago. No one has ever contacted me since either. But I'm at total peace with this decision, as I was raised in the most violent and manipulative atmosphere that you can imagine, letting go of those people was the best thing I ever did.

 

It's a shame we can't pick our parents. It's basically the luck of the draw. At least my daughter is growing up in the home I always dreamed of in my childhood. Endless support and love, no violence to any family members, and a place where she feels like she is a part of all the decisions and actions that we do together as a family - she has a voice that is heard. Maybe it was good that I was brought up the way I was, because now i completely understand what a child needs and desires, to foster and grow to be a well adjusted person, wthout the baggage of abuse, anger, hate, and neglect that myself and so many others have to live with in our histories.

[clandestinidad]

Thank you so much Blackfrost! I had decided years ago that when I had children I would make sure that they know how much they are loved and respected. I never received much affection or praise, among other things, and I make a point to treat my daughter opposite of the ways I was treated. So far she is the sweetest, most amazing person I've ever known....I've never been so in love

 

As I've thought about this situation today a little bit more, i realize that apparently its an attention competition for her. As if she wants everyone to herself, all attention on her, so that she FEELS good about herself. She's done this every time she comes into town, excluding me on purpose. I'm sure it makes her feel wonderful that my parents are excluding me for her....and its so rediculous!!! She's nearly 28 years old!!! Have we not grown up and gotten some self-confidence, and realized that we no longer have to compete for attention?!?!?

 

How does someone do this to their little sister?! Thats where I always get messed up in it all....that she's been horrible to me my whole life....and I dont know why! I guess b/c I was BORN. I dont understand how someone who's in seminary school and so Godly and holy could treat their own sister like she does!!

 

Every chance she gets she tells me that i'm selfish and stuff. At one point I said that if I was as selfish as she keeps saying I am I would have had an abortion and wouldnt put all my effort into raising my daughter correctly...that I'd be going out all the time, doing what other people my age do...etc.

 

We're never going to have a proper relationship, and sometimes it makes me sad, but I've always been more mentally healthy when I dont associate with her. I'm fine not having anything to do with her, until it means that I'm excluded from family activities!! So, what, apparently since I live near my family, and she doesnt, I should stay away at Christmas and Thanksgiving times b/c SHE's visiting and should have everyone to herself. What a load of *****

[clandestinidad]

I'm thinking about calling my grandparents tonight and telling them that I wanted to join everyone, but that I was told not to b/c my sister would rather not have my daughter and I there. I just dont want them to think that even though everyone else is there, I didnt want to visit with them, ya know??

 

Would yall do this or not???

[Blackfrost]

We're never going to have a proper relationship, and sometimes it makes me sad, but I've always been more mentally healthy when I dont associate with her.

 

I realized this too a long time ago with both of my parents and my brother - who is a carbon clone of them. I'd rather be sane, then be manipulated, gossiped about, and used. I think alot of it my situation stems from the fact that my parents told me I would be a loser and reject living on the edge of poverty for the rest of my life, because I would not follow their direct orders and be what they wanted me to be. They grilled this into my brother, and so he went on to do exactly what they told him, and he lives an okay life - but I did what I wanted to do with my life and was very successful at it - and it makes them wrong in everything they have ever said

[clandestinidad]

Blackfrost: Theyre probably miserable that you're doing so much better than them!! and doesnt that make you feel good!!!

 

I just called my grandparents. I talked to grandma and told her that I wanted to visit with everyone tomorrow, b/c it was a chance to have everyone together, but that i was told not to. these werent my exact words. I also said that she (sister) wants to visit without me and my daughter around, and that I didnt want them to think that I had excluded myself from the visit. I just made sure they knew that I want to see them.

 

i feel good about the phonecall.....but slightly uneasy that she didnt seem very suprised about my exclusion from the event...i kinda got the feeling that I've been talked about a lot or something. Oh well...we're going to get together in the next few weeks, so all will be good....i guess. Any thoughts on this???

 

blackfrost, what was the last straw that finally made you cut it all off?? Or was it just a lightbulb realization based over time?

[simon22]

kat, i'm going through the same type of thing but a larger scale. My sister got all the attention growing up, and was their favorite. its a shame parents do this, but after a while i got pissed and called them on it. If you want to read my story and letter to my parents i just finished its located here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t67475/

[clandestinidad]

So, I was supposed to take my daughter to my parents on Saturday night, go over there sunday for lunch, and take her home....I didnt. It occured to me that it was manipulation from them, rather than being nice....Ill explain

 

Last week or so my mother said that my sister wanted to see my daughter (apparently not me)...then a day or so later she politely offered out of nowhere to keep my daughter overnight Saturday so that my boyfriend and I could go out, and we'd eat lunch over there on Sunday....and I didnt notice until later that it was the complete OPPOSITE of how that usually goes. Usually I ask them to watch her (not very often) and get a nasty attitude about it....as if I'm totally putting her out, and asking something horrible of her. I get sighs, long silences, questions, told 5 times to come get her at __ time and not be late or else they wont do it again (and reminded of times I've picked her up later, and how it ruined their day...blah blah blah)...etc etc. But not this time....interesting

 

So, I put it all together and figured out that not only does my sister not want me around when she visits parents and grandparents, she also doesnt want me around when she sees MY OWN DAUGHTER!!!! How pathetic, selfish, and manipulative! And how hurtful that my parents go along with it!!! And as if I would EVER leave any of my children to be with her...especially alone!!!! God, just the thought of it scares me

 

Anyway, my parents havent called or anything since Friday when we had that conversation....it feels good to know that they apparently dont care that I'm hurt by this

[Blackfrost]

games and manipulation by family members can be some of the worst emotional pain you might ever deal with. These people are suppose to be your allies. I know your frutration and hurt. Hence why I cut off all contact with my birth family, they weren't worth the pain.

[clandestinidad]

Thank you so much for your help...and for being there to listen and understand....it really helps that other people have been there too, and made it out

[SoftDrink]

wow...

 

no offense...but your parents suck ass.

 

i wouldn't associate with them ever again.

 

remove yourself from their activities before they even have a chance to remove you.

 

or, bully your way into showing up anyway, and let them tell you to your face why you aren't welcome and why they act like such a-holes.

 

for example, your grandparents...you don't need an engraved invitation, so why not just show up? you have just as much right to be there as your pathetic sister and your spineless parents. so surprise them with your presence, and let them own up to their ridiculousness.

 

i don't know, there's a lot of ways to handle it, but i think the fair thing to do is make them aware of their actions and how petty they are, and make them take responsibility for themselves. if they are going to act that way, they have a reason for it, and YOU deserve to know that reason.

 

otherwise, cut them off totally, yes even for christmas or thanksgiving, when they might feel guilted into "letting" you join them.

 

ugh. i don't even know these people and i hate them. you can come to my family's holidays and get togethers, as far as i am concerned.

[clandestinidad]

Softdrink, your post made me teary-eyed....its such a good feeling that someone understands, and you havent even been around to see/hear everything over the years....I'd LOVE to join you for the holidays!!!!!

 

I had to go over there today to pick something up. I didnt call beforehand, hoping that no one would be there. My sister left either yesterday or this morning. So...my mom was there. Gave me a fake air kiss b/c she was "stinky" from working in the yard. I was a little distant, obviously, but not rude or anything.

 

She asked me if I wanted to eat dinner w/ them tonight and have them watch my daughter overnight (b/c I get up earlier on Wed & Thurs, and she has to come over early). I thought "Oh yeah, Im glad you want me around NOW...arent you sweet"...I said I didnt know about dinner. She never mentioned anything about what they did to me this weekend.

 

I'm seriously considering cutting it off w/ them. I always have to be there for her, and shes never there for me...even belittles things that go on in my life, as if theyre not that bad. The problem is that they help us out for now: a place to live, pay bills

 

so...when I finally do this, how is it done?? Do you just quit talking to them cold-turkey? what if they call you? (yeah right)

[simon22]

Kat,

I've ready every word of your post and can honestly say, you don't deserve this kind of crap. I believe everyone wants to have a relationship with their birth parents, its just it doesn't always work out. As you know from my story, mine didn't work out. I know you are drained by this entire situation, I can read it in your post. Here is a e-hug and I want you to know that everything will be ok. You are worth more than they can imagine. Its their lost for loosing a nice daughter. I went for years blaming myself about my situation, and have just now came to closure after I wrote the letter. I feel its finally off my chest, and I needed that. My wife has told me I seem less stressed out and that is because I am. Her mother may have leukamia (cancer of blood), and I might be getting laid off. But at least, I have support from friends and my wife to help me get through it. Take care and remember, "It will all be ok"

[quankanne]

hugs from me as well -- I cannot imagine famiies willingly doing crap like that, but they do.

 

my advice? You're a mommy now, and are getting used to being an authority figure: you know what's right and what's wrong for your little one, and she listens to you because you act with that authority. Now start applying it to your own family. Be firm, but let them know in no uncertain terms will you put up with this kind of bullshxt.

 

you handling the situation with your grandparents was a beautiful example. You called them, let them know you wanted to be there but for X reasons, weren't able. Simple, to the point, honest.

 

now apply that same rule of thumb to your relationship with your family. Sit your parents down, and gently but bluntly tell them that you're no longer interested in playing this game that's been going on with your sister for as long as you remember. That you are interested in y'all being a family, but their behavior leads you to feel that they think otherwise, and you're not putting up with it. Heck, write them -- and your sister -- a letter telling them just this. Don't point fingers, but let them know that of right here, right now, the rules have changed regarding family dynamics and that you expect everyone to try to get along better than they have before.

 

as for your daughter, again, you're the authority when it comes to her. That if your family wants her to spend time with her aunt, that's a call that you have to make because there are several things to consider, most expecially what the child has going on or where she needs to be at certain times (camp, lessons, school, etc). That you want to encourage a relationship, but you're also not going to subject her to the stupid feud or whatever it is that's going on in the family because you feel she deserves better than that.

 

as for your sister, I'd go for the jugular, myself. It's apparent that she is extremely jealous of you, but you get right in her face and tell her that now she's an adult STUDYING IN THE SEMINARY, she really needs to grow the hell up. That you don't care if she has a problem with you, because that is not the point -- perpetuating a stupid, childish jealousy and expecting everyone around her to fall in line really isn't going to cut it anymore and you expect her to shape up. Should she decide to continue to be an ass, then you expect her to keep it between you and her, not drag the rest of the family into it. Hell, I'd probably threaten to pop her *ss if she didn't straighten out, but that's me pulling my best punch, so to speak, lol ...

 

basically, give your family an opportunity to try to make things better. That way if you DO end up severing ties with them, you'll know that at least you were honest and interested enough in trying to make things work first. If they don't see the need to make things better, it's understandable that you would begin distancing yourself from them.

 

goood luck, kat

[quankanne]

duplicate post

[clandestinidad]

Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone!!! Its really helping me feel more sane to hear that other people see it too. Sometimes I forget that normal people's lives arent like mine, since I'm kinda used to it.

 

I'm really taking in everything that was said, and I'm going to figure out exactly what I should say/do about it. Your help means so much to me, and I'll update when things happen...since this might be a long road

[SoftDrink]

Originally posted by kat23

 

 

I'm really taking in everything that was said, and I'm going to figure out exactly what I should say/do about it.

 

i am so glad you decided to do something about it. even if they don't change their behaviour, you have the right to know that they must feel some sort of shame for how they treat you. and trust me, they will--and if they don't, they're not human, and if they're not human, then they can't be your real family anyway, so HA!

 

no one deserves this, especially from family...i hope you are able to find happiness, whether it's with or without them.

[muffin]

Kat, you look just like Jenny Garth.

 

Just thought I'd throw in my experience, I have pretty much cut my dad out of my life altogether. He was an unloving, neglectful alcoholic parent. There wasn't violence in our home but constant verbal abuse. He went through a phase of calling me "retarded" when I was a teenager. I'll never forget it as long as I live. I'm 40 now and I still suffer with low self esteem and no confidence and his lousy example has given me years of bad experiences with men who are a-holes. I realize I'm grown and I'm not blaming my past on everything, but abusiveness in the early years affects a person profoundly. I know there must be some love in his heart but he has no skills in showing it. My dad never kept his promises, and after I grew up and left home he never called or wrote and we never see each other even though we live in the same city. Occasionally I get a card on Christmas or I'll run into him at a holiday gathering. I write him every few months to send a picture of my son, his grandson whom he never sees or asks about, and to let him know what's new in my life. More recently I have even cut back on that, and I've had to do the same with my paternal grandmother because she also leaves all the calling up to me and doesn't seem to care about me or my life anymore. I had the opposite problem with my maternal grandmother, who was codependent, with borderline personality disorder. She was too involved in my life. I have a few issues with my mother but nothing major or confrontational. My sister and I aren't close but we have a good relationship, fortunately.

 

My suggestion would be to let your family know how their actions make you feel and if they don't respond in a caring way, then keep them on your terms, choosing when you will see them and how much, and cut the emotional ties. Life is too short to be mistreated like that.

[quankanne]

they must feel some sort of shame for how they treat you. and trust me, they will -- and if they don't, they're not human, and if they're not human, then they can't be your real family anyway, so HA!

 

 

I live as an only child blessed with nieces and nephews ... my idiot siblings seem to think they can still boss me around because I'm their little sister but I refuse to put up with it by keeping my contact with them limited. I know it's childish, but I'd go nuts otherwise.

 

kat, just remember that you've got a say in this relationship, too, but sometimes you just have to yell a little louder to be heard. If they don't like that, tough apples. You have the right to refuse to be made miserable by relatives who don't respect you.

[clandestinidad]

Well, apparently thats part of the problem.....I've never just taken anything from anybody, and they put it on ME when i tell them how I feel about things.....they actually tell me to keep my mouth shut, tell me how 'selfish' i am....just to 'take it'. They dont stand up for me against my sister either, even when theyre RIGHT THERE to hear her say the things she does!!!

 

So, Ive definately tried to get people to have some compassion/understanding/support but they turn it on me, as if somethings wrong w/ ME.

 

For example: A few months ago my sister was going shopping w/ my mom. I needed help, watching my daughter a little longer, so that I could finish an important project. My sister threw a fit, saying that i was jealous that i didnt get to go shopping and that I was sooooo selfish..."ruining their time together". I tried to explain as best I could that I just needed help for a little longer. she said awful things, and my mother said nothing. She says that we should be able to work it out ourselves.....HAAAA

 

Also, last Christmas we were at their house. I slept in the same room as my daughter, and she got up too early. I was trying to get her to go back to sleep....laying her back down in the crib, which happened to be against the wall so it bumped against it when I leaned against it. My sister came in and very rudely said that SHE'D take care of my daughter b/c obviously I was being abusive to her. In my shock at the very suggestion, I explained that the old crib makes a lot of noise. She arued w/ me...still sticking by the abusive story.

 

So I was FURIOUS!!!!! I told my parents, they said nothing. Long story short, I was saying things about how she's in seminary school and cant even treat her sister right, how mean she always is but acts soo nice to everyone else, how she's always telling me how selfish and horrible I am, etc etc....my parents were telling me to drop it and quit continuing the problem....then she refused to come downstairs for breakfast, was CRYING to my mother about how I was so rude...b/c she was "only trying to help" b/c she "could see I was tired"...GIVE ME A FU(K!NG BREAK!!!!! (that was the day after christmas) I had packed up all of our stuff and left after this, and no one cared

 

Anyway, my point is.....I have NO clue how to try to explain how I feel about anything to these people without them turning it around on ME. I really think it would be best to get fully on my own feet (which i'm working for) and fade out of their lives. I thought the other day "If something's really wrong w/ my heart (has been for years, but dont know what yet), I might die in a few years, and theyre gonna feel like $hit for doing all of this

 

sorry...I guess I kinda started all over there didnt I....we were making progress here, and then I get into other stuff....haha. I guess I need help figuring out what else I can say/do....b/c I've said/done it before and it went nowhere

[quankanne]

man, kat, your sister is a complete *sshole, bullying the way she does.

 

I think the only thing that's going to make her see you're not playing her game is to get right in her face and threaten to pop her one if she doesn't stop the BS. I don't normally advocate violence, but sometimes a big stick is all it takes to keep an animal at bay (not that I'm calling her an animal, mind you, just a figure of speech). Just make sure you say it in front of your parents and in a serious and authoritive tone of voice so that no one misunderstands you. Sometimes the only way to deal with a bully is to be better at it than him.

 

are you and her the only children, or do you have other siblings?