usa1ah Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 (edited) Wow, did you even read my post? I've made a choice NOT to betray my husband. So every thought and impulse that crosses your mind is pure and good? You must be an android, not a human being. You might want to think about increasing your level of empathy. Most of us live lives where we battle every day to do what's good and right. If you've never had doubts or longings, I feel sorry for you. The struggle is what makes us human and alive. In away you already did. The moment you turned to the ex lover. Sorry but I can care less for the feelings of someone that cheats. And no I have not been cheated on. The moment someone turns to an OM or OW with feelings that should be given to their spouse, it is a form of cheating. I would be just as a hard on your husband if he did what you have. You want a pat on the back for doing what you should have never needed to? (Walking away from a improper relationship with someone that was not you husband) This should never of happened. To beat all it was an ex lover of yours that your husband knows. I bet I can guess what he thinks of your husband now. (What a _______, can't even keep his wife happy. I know I could). You fill in the blank, you know your ex. And yes, he will talk about it with his buds. I have heard them talk before. Your husband will be the butt of the locker room jokes. All thanks to you. Edited February 11, 2017 by usa1ah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 But yes you did the right thing by ending it as soon as you did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 I live in the real world to. I was in the USMC, so yes I have been tempted. You just never act on it. Weak character's and those that don't give a dann about their SO give in to the temptation. I have seen it to many times. A few times I see it where the SO is so neglected that they find someone that actually cares for then. She D's the POS H that can't give her the time of day and goes off with the new guy that treats her like a queen. But you said this is not the case with you and your husband. You need to tell all to your H. Everything from start to finish, how else is he to know what needs to be fixed between the two of you. You are wanting the marriage to work but you have blindfolded your husband from the start of putting the puzzle back together. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Yea...I have an idea..honor your oath to your spouse and put some effort into your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 I'm 53, together with my husband for almost thirty years, will become an empty nester this fall, and suddenly, I'm incredibly restless. I love my spouse, admire him, and appreciate him deeply. But I'm just...not all there right now. I'm still attractive, and so is he, but he has put on some weight, has started looking more like his dad with the big belly. That's the superficial part of it--I know this physical change wouldn't matter if my heart and mind weren't feeling a desire to roam. I recently reached out online to an old flame of thirty years ago. He'd visited my husband and I about 15 years ago, and I'd felt nothing, it was all very friendly. But this time...it's different. We exchanged emails, being open and talking just like we used to do all those years ago. It started occupying a huge part of my mind. I realized that I'd opened a door to trouble, and so yesterday I talked to the old flame by phone and told him I had to break off contact. It was the right thing to do, but my heart is aching, and I feel guilty about keeping all this from my husband. I want to fall back in love with my spouse and get ready for our next phase together. Any suggestions? I'm just feeling so sad right now. Your best bet ids to confess this to your husband for a few reasons (1) its called honestly, which is necessary to rekindle your relationship (2) by confessing, yes your husband will be watching you. That will make it more risky to still lie and deceive (3) you will feel better not living this secret life. It appears you have been fortunate enough to catch this before your life blows up, but as long as your husband is in the dark, you are going to be tempted to break NC anytime you weant to and the excitement of this "naughty" thing will keep you yearning. You have been in an EA and if this OM is geographically available it is just a matter of time before you cross the line if you do not kill it completely and with no possibility to regress. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 dejo, (As has already been said, don't feel the need to defend yourself or any of your thoughts or actions to anybody here; you are under no obligation at all! .) The crazy thing is that my husband and I already do a lot of that stuff <snip> That's why I'm so surprised by what's overtaken me. It's not logical--it does almost feel biological. I can assure that it is not biological - it is psychological, at all four levels (identity, mental, emotional and how you are being in the world.) Regardless, you are in 100% charge and control over the process, which you have already identified as being an internal one or your 'inner struggle'. Thus, just adding outer activity - whether by yourself or through more 'date stuff' with your husband or more social stuff with friends, family, colleagues - will not yield your long-term resolution and fulfillment. There are different exercises for self-discovery or introspective contemplation. A psychotherapist may be useful and helpful, but you can just 'Google' to get yourself started. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dejo Posted February 12, 2017 Author Share Posted February 12, 2017 dejo, (As has already been said, don't feel the need to defend yourself or any of your thoughts or actions to anybody here; you are under no obligation at all! .) I can assure that it is not biological - it is psychological, at all four levels (identity, mental, emotional and how you are being in the world.) Regardless, you are in 100% charge and control over the process, which you have already identified as being an internal one or your 'inner struggle'. Thus, just adding outer activity - whether by yourself or through more 'date stuff' with your husband or more social stuff with friends, family, colleagues - will not yield your long-term resolution and fulfillment. There are different exercises for self-discovery or introspective contemplation. A psychotherapist may be useful and helpful, but you can just 'Google' to get yourself started. Best of luck. Ronnie W and Understand50, thank you for your kind messages. It really helps. I don't want to deal with hostile remarks from strangers who know nothing about me or my situation, so I probably shouldn't be posting here. I'm gone. But truly, thanks for everyone else who weighed in. Gives me lots to think about, and I have no doubt my husband and I will make it through this as we have through many other challenges in our long relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Dejo, I hope you don't go away. The one that strays never knows the full extent of the damage they have caused. It take hard truths to bring that home. Please forgive but it was given in the hopes that you can bring full happiness back into your marriage. With not knowing the extent of the damage how can one repair it? Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 I wish you and your husband the best. May you find the happiness you are seeking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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