Did he have an emotional affair?

[LostInTranslation5]

~I apologize for the long read and I hope you stay until the end ~

 

For the past week, I have been struggling with how to move forward after catching on to my husband's sneaky behavior and his later admission to hiding and lying about text messages between him and his female coworker. I have a hard time trying to understand his explanation for the odd behavior and dishonesty, however, I want to believe him so that we can move past this.

 

Before I go into the details, I will give a little history between the two. They have been coworkers prior to my husband and I ever knowing each other. They even lived in the same apartment complex before he and I moved into our own place. I had never met her or spoken with her, but I knew of her since he had occasionally spoken about her throughout our relationship. It was usually about her relationship with her perceived crappy boyfriend or how she had such low self-esteem and he thought she didn't give herself enough credit. However, in the past month, I noticed he started speaking about her more often and usually it was in regards to a break up she had recently went through. Initially, I didn't think anything was alarming and since I had been through some similar situations when I was younger, I empathized with her and offered to talk to her if he thought she would want to.

 

Early last week was when, what I felt like, our good relationship took a blow. I happened to walk by him that evening and as I did, he had received a notification that he had a text message and hesitated to unlock his screen or respond to it after he realized I was right there. I jokingly asked who he was texting that he didn't want me to see. ***To clarify, this exchange is normal between my husband and I. We are a very sarcastic and jokingly couple. He does the same to me if I am texting or messaging someone---however, I'm not turning my screen away or waiting to read/reply when he's near.*** His response was that it was his coworker and that he hadn't talked to her in a while. I left it at that, didn't proceed with any other questions. But, in the back of my mind, something didn't seem right. He had never hesitated before and that bothered me. It bothered me so much that he noticed later that night when we went to bed.

 

He proceeded to badger me into telling him what was wrong until finally I told him that I thought his behavior was suspicious. He became extremely defensive and after half an hour of him denying over and over that nothing was going on, calling me an idiot and crazy (trying to create doubt), and denying my requests to see his exchange of messages, he provides a generalized summation of their text conversation. His explanation was that he had asked her for a ride on the following day to his car dealership so that he could pick it up and that he was embarrassed for not asking me if I was ok with it first. I was very confused by that answer and it was difficult for me to understand his reasoning or why he would think he needed to get my "permission." My male coworker has drove me to my dealership in the past, I didn't ask my husband for his permission, but I would let him know later. Also, if that was all this conversation was about, why couldn't he have said this or shown this to me to begin with and this whole issue could have been over an hour ago! Then he dropped another bombshell.....he deleted that entire conversation. That's a huge red flag for me. This further perpetuated the situation and escalated my suspicions. He still maintained his story and firmly stood by that nothing was or had ever been going on between him, that it was just a mistake. I could not believe him.

 

Flash forward to the following day....I felt like this behavior and dishonesty was sufficient enough for me to do some digging. I had no other way to believe what he was saying. On our phone bill I discovered over 200 messages between them in just one billing cycle. I thought that was odd for coworkers to exchange that many texts outside of work. I was able to view their texts and there really wasn't anything incriminating, it did seem kind of flirtatious at some points, but I'm sure every one's perception or what they would define as flirting, varies. I also discovered that he had deleted from Facebook his entire conversation string with her. <the sounds of alarms were going off>

 

I have to admit that I contacted her later evening. How I approached it and how I handled her responses afterward are the only things that I feel like I was in the wrong for. I have yet to feel regret for the action of contacting her because I felt like she needed to know that I did not think it was appropriate to have that much communication with a married man outside of work and that how he behaved was suspicious, and overall it was disrespectful. Also, I did not trust that my husband was going to speak with her about it like he said he would. He also expressed that he didn't think it was necessary to involve her since "she had nothing to do with it." Unfortunately, when I reached out to her, I was angry and didn't put it so delicately. Her immature responses didn't help stifle my suspicions.

 

We have argued, screamed, shouted, cried, etc. over this whole thing. He has apologized, recognized that his behavior and deceitfulness was wrong, still insists that he is innocent of any affair, and we have tried to move forward. But there is still a part of me that gets mad and upset about the whole situation. There's still a part of me that does not believe him no matter how much I want to. I strongly believe that there was some sort of emotional affair going on.

 

I guess what I am seeking:

 

Was I totally out of line for being suspicious?

 

How do I move past this because I don't want it to ultimately cause a permanent issue in my marriage?

 

 

~Thanks for making it this far!~

[BluesPower]

Sorry to say...

 

It is probably more than emotional but it is absolutely and emotional affair.

 

If you are married there should be no locked phones, ever.

 

There should be no secrets, ever. Regardless of what anyone says with all the new fangled ideas of privacy in a relationship.

 

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[Nailhead]

There are many red flags here. 200 plus late night text to the COW is not normal. Please act like nothing is wrong and continue investigating quietly. At this juncture the contact with COW may go underground because your are now onto the communication. Gather evidence. Trust your gut. Something was definitely developing.

 

PS. Don' t reach out to the OW anymore. She is not your problem. Your H is the problem.

Edited February 9, 2017 by Nailhead

[Overtaxed]

I guess what I am seeking:

 

Was I totally out of line for being suspicious?

 

How do I move past this because I don't want it to ultimately cause a permanent issue in my marriage?

 

Absolutely not out of line. Not even a little bit.

 

There's NO reason for a married man to send 200 TXT messages to a woman in the course of a month and delete them. NONE. There's no reason to be friends on FB and have a deleted conversation history. NONE.

 

There's absolutely something going on here, without a shadow of a doubt. Not only are you not in the "wrong" you're not far enough in the right. This man is hiding, at best, an EA. At worst, he's sleeping with her.

 

I'm sorry. My WW was doing the same crap; I just never checked up on it because I trusted her without reservation. Had I checked up, I likely could have stopped it at an EA instead of the EA/PA that it became.

[Birdies]

You're correct to trust your gut. I have to be honest, this is 100% how my affair with a coworker started (flirty texting, being secretive). I was acting in the same shady suspicious way, or would have if my H had been paying attention enough to notice.

 

Even if (and that's a big if) he's not doing anything wrong now, frankly once you start down this road, it's almost just a matter of time.

 

I'd tell him that he needs to cut off outside-work contact with her and give you all his passwords, or else. If he's deleting chat threads, clearly he can't be trusted.

 

Alternatively, lie low and gather intel. Watch the phone bill for the texts (does he know that you can see them / the number of them?? Don't tell him so, if not!) and also watch for new downloaded apps like WhatsApp, etc.

 

I'm sorry :/

[Try]

He became extremely defensive and after half an hour of him denying over and over that nothing was going on, calling me an idiot and crazy (trying to create doubt), and denying my requests to see his exchange of messages

Then he dropped another bombshell.....he deleted that entire conversation. That's a huge red flag for me.

I also discovered that he had deleted from Facebook his entire conversation string with her. <the sounds of alarms were going off>

His refusal to show you the text exchange, couple with his deletion of all texts with her, is proof beyond a reasonable doubt that his relationship with her is inappropriate, and that he is cheating at the very least emotionally. Although a cheater will always claim that they did not show you the deleted texts out of principle, there is no principle that supports their actions, because other than when you are using the bathroom, there should be no expectation of privacy among healthy married couples, especially in their dealings with members of the opposite sex. In the days before text messages and cell phones, what he is doing is the same as moving to another room every time an affair partner called him at home, or burning letters that she sent.

 

The other red flag is that although he is clearly close to her, you barley know her. For couples that have martial boundaries that even allow for opposite sex friends (OSF), those that do have boundaries that require the OSF to be friendly with the spouse and a friend of the marriage, which is not the case here. Going forward, you need to establish health boundaries with your husband that establishes full transparency (which includes mutual access to all accounts and passwords) without complaint, and that requires that OSF be friendly with the spouse and a friend of the marriage. Also, since there are existing issues with this other woman (OW), you need to require that he go full no contact with her during non-work hours, and that during work hours it be only for business. You need to be willing to take action if he does not agree to these reasonable boundaries.

 

QUESTION: How does a cheater say “$crew you?”

ANSWER: They say “Trust me”.

Edited February 9, 2017 by Try

[aileD]

how long have you been married/known your husband?

 

Have you ever done anything together with your husband and this coworker?

 

Yes you had right to be suspicious.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I think you already know.

 

p.s. Two hundred messages? I don't even message my husband that much. Nowhere near that much, actually.

[LostInTranslation5]

We've been together for almost two years. I invited her to his surprise birthday party last year via Facebook's event creator. She said she would attend, she never showed.

[Try]

They have been coworkers prior to my husband and I ever knowing each other. They even lived in the same apartment complex before he and I moved into our own place.

Them working together and living in the same building indicates that they are closer than you may have thought. Were they ever romantic with each other? Did they ever date each other? If so then they are exs, and most couple have special boundaries concern exs.

 

I knew of her since he had occasionally spoken about her throughout our relationship. It was usually about her relationship with her perceived crappy boyfriend or how she had such low self-esteem and he thought she didn't give herself enough credit. However, in the past month, I noticed he started speaking about her more often and usually it was in regards to a break up she had recently went through.

If you Google "taking another man's woman" you will see that there are many sites that tell you how to do this. A strategy that they all share is to pose as just her friend as you wait for her man to be less than perfect before advising her to dump him. As a human, they tell you that it will be only a matter of time before he does something that she does not like. By being her friend, you will be right there to take advantage of this. One site stated that "By letting her voice her lover's flaws, you kill three birds with one stone. First, she gets the impression that you are a good listener; like a good friend or psychologist. Second, because you're not doing the criticism, you do not come across as the "snake" that tries to impress people by knocking others down. Finally, you discover the lover's negative qualities to amplify them within the conversation." This sounds like what you husband may be doing with her.

[Overtaxed]

Them working together and living in the same building indicates that they are closer than you may have thought. Were they ever romantic with each other? Did they ever date each other? If so then they are exs, and most couple have special boundaries concern exs.

 

If you Google "taking another man's woman" you will see that there are many sites that tell you how to do this. A strategy that they all share is to pose as just her friend as you wait for her man to be less than perfect before advising her to dump him. As a human, they tell you that it will be only a matter of time before he does something that she does not like. By being her friend, you will be right there to take advantage of this. One site stated that "By letting her voice her lover's flaws, you kill three birds with one stone. First, she gets the impression that you are a good listener; like a good friend or psychologist. Second, because you're not doing the criticism, you do not come across as the "snake" that tries to impress people by knocking others down. Finally, you discover the lover's negative qualities to amplify them within the conversation." This sounds like what you husband may be doing with her.

 

Bolded.

 

Nearly word for word, exactly what my wife's AP did. It's a script, men learn it and follow it. And yes, there are websites that teach men how to do it, with single and married women. Married women, sadly, in many cases are a better target for this because; no man is perfect. The sooner women realize that a lot of the male AP's out there are following the script, hopefully the sooner they can learn to avoid it.

[deadsoul]

Based on what you're posting here, you have reason to be suspicious.

[deadsoul]

double post sorry... don't know how to delete.