Online pen pal with married guy, am I crossing the line?

[crazybestie101]

I am frequent visitor of different online forum and about 6 months ago, I met this married guy on one of the forum. It was all started with professional discussion. We are in same carrier field. He first commented on my post then private messaged me. That's how we started talking. For most part, our conversation is professional but from time to time he talked about his personal life. He is married with no kids ( his wife can't conceive),he works from home and his wife is out working for most of time. So he is like house husband. We both know about each other state location. We don't know each other's name but I do know where he works and he knows same about me. But still it's hard to identify so I would say we are still anonymous. I do know his ethinicy but I have lied to him about mine just to stay anonymous. He has recently expressed interest in meeting in person in almost all of his recent messages. His family lives in same state as I do... i dont have plan on meeting him.. first I never thought that I would interact with someone online and meet them, I think it's crazy idea.. But I guess I got carried away and we have been talking for 6 months now .. it seems like he is in happy marriage and he always claims how his marriage with his wife has always worked and will conitinue. That she would never cheat on him.. but then sometimes he also says that he wish he would have married his high schooo gf and how it bothers him to be stay home husband. He says his wife is needy and forces him to work from home. Now we bonded because our personalities are alike and I guess he needs someone to listen to him.. He has told me pretty much everything about his life, only things I don't know is his name... I have kept everything vague juts because I was sure about revealing my life...

 

Now my question to guys:

 

Do you think am I crossing line by talking to this guy ? He once said that he is probably bad influence on me...we haven't flirted or anything but there is chance it might happen if we continue to talk. He always talks about meeting , I don't know if he is even serious about it.. I would say he is more interested in being my pal. I thought of cutting chain of this messages because if I would be married and my husband became pal with some girl online I would be upset..

Edited February 9, 2017 by crazybestie101

[Ronni_W]

Now my question to guys:

 

Do you think am I crossing line by talking to this guy ?

The Part of you that has compelled you to ask this question in the first place, has also already given you Its answer - what is making you even consider denying, ignoring or trying to pretend away your own 'voice of higher wisdom and reason'?

[crazybestie101]

The Part of you that has compelled you to ask this question in the first place, has also already given you Its answer - what is making you even consider denying, ignoring or trying to pretend away your own 'voice of higher wisdom and reason'?

 

 

I know deep down I know this is not right but I never paid attention to this because most of our convo is about work life except the times he talk about his personal life... also he always says how much he loves his wife and I always tell him how lucky his wife is..

[Ronni_W]

I know deep down I know this is not right

Don't ignore what you already know!

 

Even though to make the sacrifice and a clean, permanent break might feel difficult or like something that you don't want to or are not yet 'emotionally ready' to do right now - - you already know that you'll be saving yourself all kinds of stress, distress and heartache down the road.

 

Choose the kindest, most loving path for yourself -- for the long term; and, without consideration for the juvenile needs of instant gratification or short-term satisfaction.

Why not?

[FoundMyStrength]

I thought of cutting chain of this messages because if I would be married and my husband became pal with some girl online I would be upset..

 

As others have said, I think you've answered your own question. Something is telling you that continuing to engage with this guy isn't right. What you two are having is called an emotional affair. For 6 months, you've been this guy's go-to for discussing his personal life, troubles with the wife and work and being stay-at-home. Like you said, he feels like he needs someone to talk to, and you've become his emotional resource. If you two meet up, it's pretty guaranteed he will try for a physical affair.

 

The thing is, he has a wife, and he should be talking to her about his problems (or a therapist, or both). The more you talk with him, the less likely he is to be able to connect (or reconnect) with his wife. All of us only have so much emotional energy to go around.

[aileD]

Do you think he'd be bringing his wife alone when you meet?

 

Me neither.

 

You haven't crossed a line yet but it's headed that way.

[BuddyX]

He's grooming you. He wants to hook up.

 

But in regards to him. Boo hooo, poor him. He has to stay at home and work. And no kids. Really? And he's complaining?

Edited February 9, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[whichwayisup]

. I thought of cutting chain of this messages because if I would be married and my husband became pal with some girl online I would be upset..

You know what you're doing is inappropriate and you know that if your husband was doing this behind your back you'd be upset and feel betrayed.

 

Cut contact. This online guy is habit and you don't "know" him, you only know what he's told you and much of what you're feeling is based on your mind filling in the blanks. It's an unhealthy thing you're feeling and one that will distance yourself emotionally from your husband. Tell this guy goodbye, that you can't do this to your husband, wish him well and go no contact.

[sandylee1]

It always starts that way. I had a married man send me a PM on another forum. It was initially just talk about the issue I posted about, until it wasn't. I just deactivated my membership immediately and rejoined with another name.

 

I'm happy to have friendly conversations with anyone, but I'm very boundary conscious these days.

 

The marriage talk is a smokescreen to make you think it's all innocent and that you're safe, but he knows exactly where he wants it to go.

 

Cut loose.

[among the pines]

I agree with what BuddyX said - I had a similar experience. I met MM on line and we initially bonded over politics. Our EA developed over several months over social media - PM;ing each other constantly throughout the day on FB. Then texts and phone calls before we met and had a full blown PA.

 

I see very clearly looking back how the grooming process worked. And I have no doubt even though he told me "it wouldn't have been anyone else if it hadn't been you because I fell in love" (RIGHT!) he was probably out there trolling to see what would stick. I completely bought into it hook line & sinker.

 

I urge you to look at the reasons you feel compelled to continue dialogue with this guy - what needs or holes in your life is he filling? For me it was loneliness mostly, even though I could have found a single guy. I caught swept up in this fantasy. I own my part in it and I got hurt really really bad as well as hurting other people I've never met. This was approximately a year and a half ago and I'm still trying to work through it. That's how much damage it did.

 

I hope you will explore whether you have boundary issues and put some into place otherwise I'm afraid you're going to get hurt if you continue to get drawn into his selfish web. Please listen to the advice of people on LS. If you are a secret that his wife knows nothing about you are far from a friend. He will use you for an ego boost, sex, to pass the time but once everything hits the fan (after you are emotionally invested) he will drop you quickly.

[crazybestie101]

Thanks everyone for your replies!

 

It was all started with professional topic discussion. I used to think this guy as my mentor since he is at senior position. I would say he has always talked about life but mostly it was about his school days stuff. It was recently where he started talking about his marriage. Something that i have noticed recently which has set alarms in my head: His tone has gotten very softer. He constantly says how much he appreciate that we have this mutual trust and he is glad we were able to meet each other. We have similar personality so we understand quite well and thats where this mutual trust and comfort came from. I have tried ending our convo by sending him last message to which he replied that he repects my decision but if i ever need him, i know where to look for him. And since he always talked about his interest in meeting me in person, i told him in my last message that i don't think we will ever meet in person. He said the professional background we are in , we have high chance of bumping onto each other and its pretty much guaranteed. its been one day that i have logged into the forum and wont be going there for weeks ...

[myra_abad]

Hi, I would like to encourage you to stop communicating with him because it might lead you to a relationship that is difficult to walk away from. A lot of heartache can be found in a relationship that won’t work.

 

I found this article that says, “Don't follow you heart, as one popular Hallmark sentiment advises because it leads to destruction". You mentioned about cutting the chains of messages because if you would be married and your husband became pal with some girl online you would be upset. …, that’s a great idea because it will help you to live the future you desire.

Hope everything will be alright and I was able to encourage you. Thank you for sharing.

[Starswillshine]

If I were you, I would slowly start to distance myself. Maybe he has no inappropriate intention. People CAN be friends with the opposite sex without wanting to cross any boundaries. But you are here which leads me to believe that either you feel uncomfortable with what he is doing or you are starting to develop some sort of emotion connection to him that goes beyond just boundaries.

 

For your own protection of your own heart, put some distance between you two. Don't answer emails/pm often. Say you have been busy, etc.

[stillafool]

I know deep down I know this is not right but I never paid attention to this because most of our convo is about work life except the times he talk about his personal life... also he always says how much he loves his wife and I always tell him how lucky his wife is..

 

Yes it is inappropriate so stop and find a single man to communicate with.