Always wondered if she cheated

[thp]

Well said, everyone. I certainly appreciate hearing things from other perspectives. I'm gong to examine myself now and do my best to make sure i'm giving her all of the attention she deserves. i'll admit...i'm not a warm a fuzzy guy. I would never let my wife or kids see me cry. Old school, I guess. But they do know that I love them and i'd do anything to help a person truly in need, so they appreciate that part of dad's personality where they probably see me as firm, but caring. I think I just need to let a little more show towards my wife. After all these years, we're very much alike, personality-wise, although I suspect i'm a bit more emotional, internally. it won't be fake because giving her compliments would be an easy thing to do more often. As well as saying thanks for whatever. i'm doing that now and rather than initiate any attempts at sex i'll simply put my arm around her and go to sleep. in time, she may begin to see me in a different way and want to be closer. As friends, we're as close as a couple can be...a lot of history, too, and the same age, so we have a lot in common insofar as conversations. I just want more physicality and in time, with luck, she will, too. I guess i'll have roughly another 30 years if i'm lucky there, so time is on my side, so to speak.

 

it bothers me that I would think of cheating at all. Likely, she did nothing of the sort, but I sincerely hope everyone can at least appreciate the fact that when a husband and wife seem to be drifting a part physically, all kinds of things come to mind. is it happening now? Did it happen then? Why is it happening? I should look inward first and so I am going to do that and make my best attempt at putting things right from my end first. And if anything did shake out down the road with regard to my original post, i'll just have to deal with that then.

 

Thanks again.

[lolablue17]

Here's an idea...

 

From the outside you think mostly good things about your marriage. But from the inside, you feel something is missing. You say the lack of sex, but I would say that you need more thrills and excitements.

 

So, as a respectable decent man, you feel a shamed to complain, while your life is generally good. So, something subconscious popped up, and brought to your mind a vague memory. It signals you that you need more drama in your life. By the way, suspecting an old cheating is some kind of drama.

 

I think you should spice you marriage. date your wife, fo with her to dancing parties, have fun, go to trips. You might want to share some fantasies with each other. I think any change will fulfill your slight need for extra drama.

[Lady2163]

You have a chip on your shoulder from being bullied....

You aren't a warm, fuzzy guy....

You're obsessed with a conversation from 22 years ago....

You feel you've caught your wife in a lie about her high school boyfriend....from 29 (?h Years ago?

 

I was horribly bullied every school day from 6th grade until graduation. These were circumstances beyond my control.

 

I don't carry that hurt into my relationships and friendships.

 

Get some counseling to help you get passed the ancient history.

 

Okay, now for one politically incorrect comment. At one point in my marriage my husband weighed twice what I did. I was a bit taller than he was. I'd never been claustrophobic in my life, but I'd get very panicky whenever he was on top of me, the distribution of weight made me *feel* like I couldn't breathe. He was usually very quick on the trigger, but those 1-2 minutes were agony and panic inducing. I'm against water boarding just because of those moments. Anyway, that caused two things to happen. I was no longer horny and I stiffened up, which caused the nether regions to tighten.

 

So, he loved that position and wanted it a lot.

 

So, if you are too much bigger than your wife, I'd encourage you to never put her in a position where breathing is hindered. That could be hitting the emergency shut off switch and she can't voice it or doesn't know it.

[Overtaxed]

Here's the thing. For many women, the dudes physique is not what turns their libido on and off.....

 

What do you do to make her feel SPECIAL? To make her feel appreciated, desired and sexy?

 

Words and actions count. I love it when my husband tells me how sexy I am, or sends me little texts to flirt throughout the day.

 

I joke that coming home to a clean house with the dishes done is like female Viagra

 

Keeping a "fire" takes effort. When was the last time you planned a weekend getaway? Or left little love notes?

 

Well, I'm a dude, so I can't speak from personal experience. But I can speak from my experience with my wife's A, and yeah, it's the words that turned her on with the AP, not his physique, not his money, not his "private area". It was the words above all else that attracted her to him, words that I didn't give her that she eventually found from another person. Having a good build (I do) and good skills in the bedroom aren't the same for men and women (as I'm now finding out). For a guy, that would be a dream girl. For a girl, while she appreciates stuff like this, it's not "enough".

 

I guess the analogy would be a guy with a woman who was a very good homemaker, sweet personality, had a good job, treated him well.. But wasn't into sex and was overweight. It would always be a problem, not because she wasn't doing things for the man, but because she wasn't doing the RIGHT things for the man.

 

Note, this differs for everyone, not every man needs a thin wife who enjoys sex. Just like not every woman needs a man who lavishes her with praise and does the dishes. But, a lot of men/women are going to fall into the above categories.

[oldlion]

You appear to be close with your wife on most levels. Have you ever just sit down and ask, "What happened to our sex life? Am I doing something wrong? Don't I appeal to you sexually any more? Please just tell me what is wrong and how we can make it right." Try it you may get the answer you are looking for. My wife and I have settled a lot of things in our marriage by just asking. I wish you well.

[Got it]

You appear to be close with your wife on most levels. Have you ever just sit down and ask, "What happened to our sex life? Am I doing something wrong? Don't I appeal to you sexually any more? Please just tell me what is wrong and how we can make it right." Try it you may get the answer you are looking for. My wife and I have settled a lot of things in our marriage by just asking. I wish you well.

 

Yes. Just be honest and T A L K. Tell her the lack of connection is making you feel vulnerable. ADMIT to being vulnerable. Scrap trying to find an "excuse" to blame it on and say what you are feeling.

 

And yes, your opinion on many things especially since they are more negative opinions can be crushing for the other person. The constant negativity, dislike of the world, others, etc can be a total libido killer. As well as just hormonal issues after having kids and losing one's self in that identity. It may be just a little bit of everything and sheer laziness on both parts that you fell into this rut.

 

Like others have said, talk honestly, date your wife, experts recommend doing things that are adrenaline inducing to create excitement.

 

Be happy.

[Just a Guy]

Hi thp, sorry to see you stewing in suspicions of your wife having cheated on you decades ago. Actually, after so many years of being together one is able to read the other like a book. I know I and my wife have some of that. Sometimes I get a thought about something in my head and the next my wife is articulating that thought in words like she picked my brain to do it. I express surprise and she, too, seems surprised by it. But this happens every now and then with either her or me picking each others thoughts. I also know what she is sensitive about( learnt it the hard way) and avoid those buttons like the plague. She also knows what riles me( although to be frank there isn't much that I am sensitive about now. I used to be a long time ago but time and the wisdom of years of experience have mostly erased that) and avoids those topics.y point here is that you should be able to sus out the fact that she cheated/ did not cheat just by psychic transfer of thoughts. However, if your subconscious is telling you something then don't ignore it and do your detective work to uncover the truth.

 

I also want to say that the lack of sexual desire on your wife's part may be due to the fact that she is menopausal and her estrogen levels have diminished to the extent that her libido had taken a hit. Also she may be suffering from vaginal dystrophy resulting in a dry and inelastic vahinal wall. All this makes intercourse painful and unenjoyable. For her to feel a bit more sexy she may have to undergo an HRT course. She should consult her gynaecologist of she has'nt done so already. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.