relationship with my mom is moving BACKWARDS . I'm basically DONE !

[kztar]

Hi everyone,

 

Usually I'm posting about my terrible breakups and so on. Today I find myself posting here because as much as I love my mother, she is driving me crazy. For reference I'm 26 will be 27 in May.

 

Mom and I never had a good relationship. Overall she's always tried to control me and I have never allowed her to. From a kid to now an adult. I have REFUSED to let her control me. I obey her rules but that is not enough for her, never has been. When I say controlling I mean she tells me what temperature the water when I shower should be, what time I need to be in bed by, the last time I can eat in her house, which train station I need to take the subway at, where I need to stand, where I should leave my car when I park it, what salon I should do my hair at, and the list GOES ON. When I completely ignore her and don't tell her I'm going to make those changes to my life , I'm automatically disrespecting her and stepping over her so she feels. I tell her I appreciate your concerns and thank you but I'm an ADULT. This causes huge fuzz because again she feels disrespected. During my hs years our relationship was really bad, but then I went away for college and things got better( I mean I was barely around and whenever she pissed me off I took a bus and went back to my house back in the town I attended school) but even after graduating things picked up and they weren't perfect but MUCH better. I left for three months and now I'm back for the worst AGAIN.

 

So a few months ago, I got back with my ex-boyfriend who dumped me like trash a year ago. Well although I wasn't feeling it like the first time I wanted to give it a try. Few months later I move in with him, in a way to leave my house, my mother extremely ecstatic about the fact that I'm finally leaving her house. I could feel how happy she was about me leaving. My 13 year old sister was going to have a room to herself and so on. We live in NYC in a two bedroom apt, mom, dad, little sis and I.

 

Well a few weeks ago things were looking VERY VERY bad with my ex and as much as I tried I was miserable, unhappy and very nervous about everything that was happening. My relationship became toxic. This guy was harming himself, punching walls and being disrespectful and verbally abusive so I found myself with no other option but to leave and come back home. She accepted me into her home but I can feel that she is annoyed at the fact that I'm here. She complains about almost everything I do. I toast bread at 9:30 it's too late for me to be toasting bread at that time, I get up too late for work, I come home and don't shower right away it's a problem because I'm dirty from the subway, let's not forget that she continues to tell me that I am not on her lease and that this is my sister's room.

 

She complains about how my dad is lazy and he does not properly provided a proper home to us with more bedrooms and so on. The problem is they had a plan and then those plans CHANGED. I mean her and my dad because she was involved in it too. They built this huge house in Dominican Republic worth about $750,000 cash. This is how much CASH money they spent building that damn house. Plus another house we own witch is worth half the price. So A little over a million DOLLARS invested there and here we live in a really tiny apt. That house has about 50 of our current apts min. The plan was to move there after I finished college and I would keep our apt here. My sister was going to live there and attend school there until they realized that was a bad idea and it makes sense for her to get an education in America where she was actually born. Nie we have this investment over there were they go ONCE a year and we have no house here but an apt where we can barely fit. They feel like they are too old to get themselves in a 30 year mortgage now so that's not even a plan. My mom

Continues to complain when they have invested all their money in this place they go once a year.

 

I'm dealing with emotional pain with my breakup, my mom is not supportive, she rubs it in my face that I should have known better okay I get it, but she doesn't at least let me get my head straight. My dad on the other hand is very supportive but there's only so much he can do when all my mom does is complain to him to me and my sister.

 

I told her If she doesn't want me at her house to just tell me and I will leave because I work and can afford my own place as I have a good paying job, however, I was planning to save money to buy a condo. I can't take it anymore and it's only been 3 WEEKS. it gets worse by the day. I think I'm going to have to suck it up and rent. I don't see this ending well if I stay here too long. I'm starting to resent her more and more by the day.

 

Can someone give me some advice on how to deal with this? I don't want to do or say things I will regret in the future but it's really getting out of hand.

[Miss Clavel]

you need to move out cuz you never should have moved back in.

or, you parents need to move to their mansion and leave you and your sister to get on with it in the apartment.

 

if the nest was comfy no bird would ever leave it. time for you to fly. or them.

 

go on the mortgage with your mom on a new place and when she kicks it, you can just keep paying without paying inheritance tax?

[kztar]

Ive already started looking for an apartment. Im going to rent in the meantime.

 

If other people can do it, so can I. My only worry is that I have a car and while living at home my dad moves the car for me side to side (They clean the streets everyday, or alternative side parking) so that will be my major challenge. Oh and of course I will have to commute from further into Manhattan. My parents apartment is very close to manhattan. Like a 5 min train ride into manhattan and 20 min walk.

 

I'll Live.

 

Wish me luck finding something affordable guys.

 

Thanks.

[preraph]

My advice is you need to get out of a city that is too expensive that you can't afford to get a place and get into a better less expensive city, which means anyplace other than Hawaii, San Francisco or near LA.

 

Probably the small place you are crammed into makes your mother even worse about wanting to control the environment. Anyway, she is over the top but if you live with her, you live by her crazy rules. So take a bus out of there and find a job somewhere cheaper.

[kztar]

My advice is you need to get out of a city that is too expensive that you can't afford to get a place and get into a better less expensive city, which means anyplace other than Hawaii, San Francisco or near LA.

 

Probably the small place you are crammed into makes your mother even worse about wanting to control the environment. Anyway, she is over the top but if you live with her, you live by her crazy rules. So take a bus out of there and find a job somewhere cheaper.

 

Im currently looking to see if I find something affordable to move out. I don't know how I would do moving out of NYC. I found myself moving to the suburbs for a few months 30 min away from the city and I did not cope very well. Not sure if it was because my relationship with the boyfriend at the time had ran it's course but I missed living in the city and being super close to home and friends. I still worked in NYC so I would commute here.

[Popsicle]

There can't be two queens (or kings) in one castle. There can only be one. If you want to be the queen, get your own castle. (And yes kings and queens are sometimes unreasonable)

[kztar]

There can't be two queens (or kings) in one castle. There can only be one. If you want to be the queen, get your own castle. (And yes kings and queens are sometimes unreasonable)

 

This is accurate. Currently looking.

 

[d0nnivain]

I had a rocky relationship with an overbearing mother which improved after I lived on my own for a while. I hope you have the same experience.

 

 

Find an apartment on a train line within a reasonable commute to your job. Get a roommate to be able to afford it. Something in Jersey or Southern CT ought to work for you.