Author zombiehead Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 AnneP, How do I feel about her sending nude pics to other men? It feels great, I'm so happy that she is this proud of her body and wants to show it off to other men so they can pleasure themselves looking at her. It feels terrible. I feel like a ZOMBIE, that is why I have that username. I'm like the walking brain dead right now. I'm furious, I'm hurt, my manhood is crushed. I can't sleep, can't eat, I'm a walking zombie right now. That is why all this will be coming to a head very soon. I can't go on like this. I know it could be physical so I will not be sleeping with her until we are both tested for STDs. I'm thinking about filing and handing her d papers when I confront. She is going to unlock her phone, tell me everything, get STD tested ect ect. Full transparency and she needs professional help to uncover why she did this if I agree to R. It could be too much when I know all the details and I will just D. I hope not, I hope it was just online affair or emotional affair whatever and not a physical affair. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Guns, Yeah I don't really understand the emotional vs physical crap. It 's all betrayal, I'm sure a physical affair is emotional too. I prefer non-physical and physical, that would be a better way to classify the two. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 AnneP, How do I feel about her sending nude pics to other men? It feels great, I'm so happy that she is this proud of her body and wants to show it off to other men so they can pleasure themselves looking at her. It feels terrible. I feel like a ZOMBIE, that is why I have that username. I'm like the walking brain dead right now. I'm furious, I'm hurt, my manhood is crushed. I can't sleep, can't eat, I'm a walking zombie right now. That is why all this will be coming to a head very soon. I can't go on like this. I know it could be physical so I will not be sleeping with her until we are both tested for STDs. I'm thinking about filing and handing her d papers when I confront. She is going to unlock her phone, tell me everything, get STD tested ect ect. Full transparency and she needs professional help to uncover why she did this if I agree to R. It could be too much when I know all the details and I will just D. I hope not, I hope it was just online affair or emotional affair whatever and not a physical affair. Don't confront her until you have some more evidence. I know it's hard, but just try to wait a few days if you can. I wouldn't minimize an EA. Some people have a harder time moving on from an EA than they do a PA. You won't know how you'll feel until it all comes out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Man, I am so sorry you are going through this. But, you are in a good place here. Most all of here have been though the pain of infidelity -- unfortunately. You will find both good and bad advice here. Take it all in and find what works for you. Now, 100% of all the things you mention point completely to an affair - as others have said. That much is certain. She is not doing any of those things for you or the added "privacy" she has started would not be needed. The thing I want to add is this, when you do confront, be prepared for lots and lots of lies. Look up "trickle truth". You will probably never know all the truth. However, regarding confronting, do NOT do it until you have proof. If you do and can't prove, she/they will only hide it further from you making discovery much more difficult. Please have hard proof first for your sake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Don't confront her until you have some more evidence. I know it's hard, but just try to wait a few days if you can. I wouldn't minimize an EA. Some people have a harder time moving on from an EA than they do a PA. You won't know how you'll feel until it all comes out. A partner's EA is usually more painful for the wife. The partner's PA is usually more painful for the husband. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 The whole finger on the phone while she's sleeping is too risky. Hunt for info via var, PI, gps, social apps etc. If you're 100% sure you got her, drop the D papers (she'll know you're serious) and immidietly ask for her phone. If she pauses and or has excuses, then you know it's serious. But wait till end of ValDay. It's likely she'll be sending him texts pics through out the day. Deep breaths. Hang in there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 A partner's EA is usually more painful for the wife. The partner's PA is usually more painful for the husband. True, but if she's sending nude photos out, I would consider that to be at least somewhat physical. But everyone handles everything differently. It's hard to know how you'll feel until you really know all the details. I've seen a few WH who destroyed their marriages by both EA and PA. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Thanks NotCamelot That is what I'm thinking, I need some hard proof. Hopefully I will get that tonight. My wife is really tight with our neighbor who she is having drinks with tonight, they are bff. If she told her about her affair and she didn't tell me then that is some pure crap. I'm really close to her and her husband too. We have been neighbors for 10 years, and they lost a child and some other things, and we have been there for them. If she told her and she didn't make her stop or come tell me then our friendship is over. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I did lookup her 'secret' skype and tango accounts. I didn't send her a request, I don't want her to know that I know she has those accounts. The fact that they are secret accounts from you speaks volumes. This keeps gets worse and worse. Other than when you are going to the bathroom, there should be no expectation of privacy in a healthy marriage. It is funny how cheaters practice complete transparency without complaint before the affair, conveniently disavow transparency and demand privacy when the affair starts, and then think that you are so stupid that you will not notice. Also, there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Her texting nude pictures to someone, and not showing you who she sent them to, has nothing to do with privacy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 If you do the midnight finger unlock thing (which sounds like a good idea), be prepared to skedaddle. Have your shoes on and have the car idling in the driveway, facing the street. If she wakes up, she'll claw at you to get that phone back and things will get violent. You need to make a hasty exit and go off somewhere where you have time to read everything. Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Thanks NotCamelot That is what I'm thinking, I need some hard proof. Hopefully I will get that tonight. My wife is really tight with our neighbor who she is having drinks with tonight, they are bff. If she told her about her affair and she didn't tell me then that is some pure crap. I'm really close to her and her husband too. We have been neighbors for 10 years, and they lost a child and some other things, and we have been there for them. If she told her and she didn't make her stop or come tell me then our friendship is over. You may not want to talk about this with the neighbors until you have proof. Again, tip her off and get ready for a hard time proving. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 If you do the midnight finger unlock thing (which sounds like a good idea), be prepared to skedaddle. Have your shoes on and have the car idling in the driveway, facing the street. If she wakes up, she'll claw at you to get that phone back and things will get violent. You need to make a hasty exit and go off somewhere where you have time to read everything. Too funny, but so true. I was thinking the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I don't really understand the need for more proof or the confrontation. I would have her bag packed & calmly say that having caught her twice taking nude photos, knowing about the 2 accounts & her unwillingness to let you see her phone you have put the pieces together to conclude she violated your marital vows & that you are insulted that she thought you were so stupid as to put up with this betrayal. As a result you expect her gone. You may have to leave or at least vacate to the guest room pending advice from a divorce attorney, but don't give the option for this to turn violent. Just start the process to separate. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 This is either not her first time or she hooked up with a pro. Sorry first timers rarely show the level of sophistication your wife is showing. Reframe the question: it is not is she showing you enough to doubt it is not a PA, rather it is more then enough to cause you to doubt she isn't. Do a search on "how not to get caught having an affair". Your wife is not missing any bases. As to how to bring up the question: start by asking her what terms she wants in the divorce. Have your own responses ready. When she questions why (if she does) simply role your eyes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 donnivain: You are absolutely correct. I will confront her on Valentine's day with D papers. However I'm going to try to get in her phone tonight. She is going next door for drinks so she will be buzzing when she comes home and she will want to fool around. I'm picking up a VAR and I will pick up some condoms as well. I'll explain the condoms that we should try something new and these are suppose to increase your pleasure. So I will give her a few Os and along with the alcohol she should be sound asleep, like in a near coma and I will be successful at getting her phone unlocked. When she has some drinks and good sex she is out, she is down for the count. I'm getting in that phone tonight. I will make sure and have my shoes on and the car running in the driveway to make a quick exit if she does wake up and catch me. However I doubt it, she will be out in a deep sleep. I hope you guys will be checking this forum late tonight in case I'm successful and the evidence is really bad I'll need someone to talk with. I don't want to tell any of my friends or family right now. If I get the proof I need tonight then I'm not sure about when I should confront. I want D papers in my hand so I probably need to wait until Vday but I don't know I will be able to wait that long. I want this to come to a head asap. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 . I want D papers in my hand so I probably need to wait until Vday but I don't know I will be able to wait that long. I want this to come to a head asap. You are not going to have divorce papers in your hands. It's already Friday evening here. Assuming you can even get an appointment with a lawyer on Monday that person will not be able to draft a complaint for divorce by Tuesday. Moreover, most states have a requirement that even in the face of cheating you have to have lived separate & apart for at least 1 year before the Court has jurisdiction to hear you case. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Jersey, I really believe this is her 1st time. The locked phone has never happened in our 16 years together dating and married. She has never taken nudes before or I would have caught her. I think she probably researched how to get away with cheating, she is smart and she does her research. This is probably the 1st time if she is actually having an affair. The proof I have is all pointing that way. Secret apps, locked phone, nude pics, wanting privacy ect ect. I'm getting in that phone tonight, that is a fact. If she wakes up she can't catch me, I'm bigger, faster, stronger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 What about leaving even if she is in a deep sleep? Write a note (before the finger on the phone trick) saying that you'll be back after you find out what she's hiding. That way if she wakes up, you don't have a drag out fight with her trying to get that phone from you. Maybe drive somewhere that's open 24 hours (Walmart?) and sit in the parking lot and read. Check emails. Forward yourself emails if you find incriminating things. Same with photos and conversations. I wish you luck and I'll be thinking of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Slow down!!! What state do you live in? Search your state, divorce laws now !!! Many states have very good info the divorce laws of that state. Most states are pure no faul, some are no fault but will adjust asset division, except in rare cases do states consider custody in cases of adultery. A lot states start with 50/59 and seem to use the standard "best interest of the child" to modify. Be on the winning side. Read, know and use the criteria of your state laws. If you own your home can you buy her out? If not can you relocate somewhere in the same school district? Stability is a huge concern to the court. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Cross posted, then she is caught up with a player. Can you buy a membership so you can PM? In the meanwhile how many of these apply: Red flags* Sex life dropped off noticeably Passwords on phone and computer Much more time on line...fakebook. More GNOs...staying out later. Less eye contact and holding hands...much less physical contact. Less communication. Staying up late on computer. Dressing more provocative More shopping-spending...clothes. 3 hour groceries shopping trips Gasoline use and mileage went up Generally disconnected from family. New friends that I wasn't introduced to Cell/text usage went up...way up. New hair style and attention to makeup Started exercising more. Secretive about whereabouts during contact She would become annoyed easily with me. Household responsibilities dropped way off. ecame more forgetful in general A noticable distancing from her family. Much more waxing...trimming...shaving....not for me. Some do not apply as you said she is initiating sex more often. *There are reasons some women do this, *Do a search along with the other search I suggested.* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 You are not going to have divorce papers in your hands. It's already Friday evening here. Assuming you can even get an appointment with a lawyer on Monday that person will not be able to draft a complaint for divorce by Tuesday. Moreover, most states have a requirement that even in the face of cheating you have to have lived separate & apart for at least 1 year before the Court has jurisdiction to hear you case. Really? My state is 30 days. You file and divorce is final in 30 days. Texas is 90-120? I have never heard of this year wait. That must be horrible for people who are miserable and need closure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 ZH, I didn't say it before,but I'm very sorry that you are here, brother. Going thru this sucks....I remember all to well. I'll be checking the thread late tonight. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Really? My state is 30 days. You file and divorce is final in 30 days. Texas is 90-120? I have never heard of this year wait. That must be horrible for people who are miserable and need closure. Texas is actually 61 days now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Jersey, Yeah most of the red flags are happening. Eye contact, holding hands ect. That has dropped off lately. But the sex has picked up. She is initiating sex more lately. This could be because she is getting worked up from the sexting and is ready to go. The other man is getting her motor running and I'm there to hit the gas pedal? Yeah she doesn't do much around the house, I'm doing most of it, she is longer at the store than usually, she is trimming like she hasn't before, she bought some sex toys, sexy panties, working out more often, dressing more like a teenager, tight pants, tight shirts, spending more time fixing her hair. Yup she is changing and I asked her about it. Her reply was, "what? are you complaining that I'm trying to look better?, most men would love it if their wives did this". She put it right back on me, she is good at manipulation, something I didn't find out about much later after we were married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Texas is actually 61 days now. Yeah, now that you mention it my friend who divorced not long ago had everything finalized in 60 days. Never heard of a year wait. Link to post Share on other sites
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