Lilyana76 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I think exposing to the other spouses is a good idea, if your spouse was carrying on with someone else wouldn't you want to know? Also I think it will hold the WS responsible to have some accountability for their actions. As well as start the healing process for the BS. That being said, I didn't expose my ex husband to his affair partners SO's until recently. (it was his cousin and he was messing with his wife, I felt it should be exposed just because they have children and a family and he should know what his wife is up to) A big part of that was if and how it would effect my children. I have not told anyone else about what my ex did, nor do I think I ever will. At this point the marriage and any relationship is over. Time to move on and be over it all. Really outing my ex at this point would just humiliate him, and while maybe giving me some brief satisfaction at his discomfort, wouldn't really benefit me or his children at all. If your relationship is truly over, there really isn't much point in searching down all the AP's and exposing them. Move on and concentrate on yourself and your healing. It's a strong possibility that these other people already know about other affairs, or will find out about them in the future. I would think it would be best to move on with your healing at this point. I guess I haven't read to much into your posting here.. just kind of caught the tailend. If you are considering Reconciliation I would expose them and your WS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 Wife is getting Happy Valentine's day emails on her gmail account. UGH!! She is hosting the Valentine's day party for the twin's class today at their school. I nearly messaged a betrayed wife on facebook last night but I didn't. Also I nearly messaged my high school sweetheart/lover on facebook. She is divorced and has a daughter, I could easily see her if I so desired. I chatted with her for a couple of days when I 1st got on facebook years ago. I don't get on that often now. Last night I saw her in my newsfeed posting pics of her daughter and I nearly messaged for a date. When we chatted several years ago she told me that she searched for me for years after high school, and I told her that I tried to find her too when I came to visit friends in our hometown. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Stay away from your Exs. Throwing another log on the bonfire that is currently your marriage will make things worse, not better. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Also I nearly messaged my high school sweetheart/lover on facebook. She is divorced and has a daughter, I could easily see her if I so desired. I chatted with her for a couple of days when I 1st got on facebook years ago. I don't get on that often now. Last night I saw her in my newsfeed posting pics of her daughter and I nearly messaged for a date. When we chatted several years ago she told me that she searched for me for years after high school, and I told her that I tried to find her too when I came to visit friends in our hometown. You really need some counseling, the wheels are starting to fly off. Perusing an old flame will improve this situation how? Or are you simply looking to pour some more fuel on this inferno? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 I'm not contacting my hs sweetheart. However it did cross my mind when I saw her in my.newsfeed last night. Emotional day, I proposed to her on Vday. Link to post Share on other sites
supernova32 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 ZH, I have read every post but haven't posted until now. I cannot ******* believe that your wife betrayed you and your family in such a horrible and traumatic way. I want you to know that I haven't been able to get you off my mind and have been praying for you pretty much every day since you posted. I went through something very similar with my ex husband, though it lasted the entire 16 years we were together. He was a sex addict, constantly on porn without my knowledge (even slammed a door in my face when I caught him), he forced me to perform sex acts I was not comfortable doing, he made me go through with videotaping us, he says for his own pleasure (now I wonder what he actually did with it). I literally showered after sex every time. I never found specific evidence of online affairs, but it was pretty obvious once he escalated and starting grabbing waitress's butts at bars. I eventually left him, but unfortunately it wasn't about the sex addiction; he finally crossed into physical abuse and tried to keep me hostage in the house. I grabbed the kids and ran. I really recommend that you ask her to leave the house as soon as possible. You need time and space to process what's been happening. You are in no rush to decide whether you want to reconcile or divorce. You are in control now. Not her. I think you need to get into individual counseling asap. She's the psycho (and I really feel that she is), and you are the victim. The counselor can help you maintain the actual reality of what's happening and guide you to making an adult, rational decision about your future and your kids' future. Legally speaking, do NOT give her any special privileges. If you divorce, you fight for full custody and give her minimal visitation. You are the breadwinner and you are the adult in this relationship. You need to be the one making school and medical decisions for the twins. Get an attorney that specializes in dad's rights. Do not give in just because she's the mother. Ask for a psychological evaluation during the legal process. Have your attorney pick the psychiatrist, not hers. You are in control. You are not powerless here. I made a big mistake in being too nice to the dad, and now we are in a constant court battle to try to get visitation reduced to supervised. My kids are having crazy behavior at school because they are being forced to see the bio dad, even though he actually strangled my new husband in front of the kids (and convicted!). Please don't spend any more time going through her texts, emails, videos. Make copies, back them up, and save them for the attorney. He will decide which are admissible and will help your case. Anything else is just giving you more pain and distracting you from what decisions you need to be making ASAP. Do ask your parents and friends for help and even her parents, if they are supportive of you. Make sure she is getting the help she needs. Make a show of being supportive but distant emotionally. You want to be seen as the ex-husband who tried everything he could to rehabilitate the ex-wife, for the benefit of the kids. If the wife becomes heavily dependent on using her mental illness/diagnosis as a crutch or excuse for her behavior, do NOT fall for it. Being bipolar or borderline or depressed does not give you an excuse to crush your spouse's soul and self-esteem. My lawyer recently said the same thing to me. He said, "I don't give a **** if your ex is bipolar. He still chose to be an ***hole." Same thing goes for your wife. She could have controlled herself. She SHOULD have controlled herself. She owed it to you and to your kids. On the other hand, if she fully dives in and begins working on herself, be supportive of that. She has a lot of introspection in front of her, and this is not your responsibility. Her job is to prove to herself first and then you that she really is that woman you married. Do be neutral when discussing the wife with the kids. The wife's attorney will do everything they can to prove 'parental alienation' so she would get full custody. Be distantly supportive of their visits together and their relationship. Do call the police and make a report of the video that she took without your consent. Even if it goes nowhere, you have specific evidence of spousal abuse. This is KEY in your divorce proceedings. Use everything to your advantage. I should have reported domestic abuse so many times and this hurt me in my case. Honestly I don't think contacting the APs' wives would do anything good in the long run for you personally. You might feel good about it now, but down the road, it may seem like a waste of your time. The time you need to bond with your kids, keep them mentally and medically healthy and taking care of yourself (most importantly). I wish someone had given me this advice before I went down this road. Please let me know if I can do anything to help. I will be praying for you and that the truth will be known. And I humbly ask for your prayers as well, as I am still fighting my ex in the horrible visitation case. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Also I nearly messaged my high school sweetheart/lover on facebook. She is divorced and has a daughter, I could easily see her if I so desired. And that should be #148 on your list, assuming divorce falls in the first one-hundred and forty-seven. We're going to assume you're smartly using this space to vent. A couple of the things you're proposed don't make sense IRL... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Emotional day, I proposed to her on Vday. Hugs. I know today sucks. Just don't do anything rash & stay away from booze today. You need a clear head. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I'm not contacting my hs sweetheart. However it did cross my mind when I saw her in my.newsfeed last night. Emotional day, I proposed to her on Vday. What your going through is normal. When I found out about my wife's affair I set in motion a plan to have sex with her frienemy who was more then willing....I couldn't pull the trigger but it's normal to seek sudden gratification and a shot to the ego. Long term it only creates more problems. Honestly the best thing possible is get away from your wife for a few days 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Exes are usually exes for a reason or more. If you even remember the reasons, I'm sure they pale in comparison to the abuse you've suffered at WW's hands. Bu that doesn't mean she is right for you now. You have enough problems to deal with now to volunteer to start dealing with past problems now. President Lincoln is reported to have said " One war at a time". Do things for yourself if you feel bored or lonely. Plan stuff with the kids. Don't let cheap Valentine's Day sentiment sway you even one degree off course. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Doorstopper Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 The biggest reason not to expose the men involved in this is that they may have pictures/videos of you and your wife that could end up online, with your name, hometown, etc, because of your actions. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 The biggest reason not to expose the men involved in this is that they may have pictures/videos of you and your wife that could end up online, with your name, hometown, etc, because of your actions. I fully agree. Never pick a fight with an unknown. It's like bringing a knife to a gun fight. There very well could be retaliation and you have your kids to consider I.e. Does your wife have pictures of the kids on her FB page. There is exposure that could be dangerous. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I fully agree. Never pick a fight with an unknown. It's like bringing a knife to a gun fight. There very well could be retaliation and you have your kids to consider I.e. Does your wife have pictures of the kids on her FB page. There is exposure that could be dangerous. Although deep in my heart I feel the spouses have a right to know, I too would worry about this. You don't know what sort of men she's been dealing with. SHE doesn't know what sort of men she's been dealing with. She only knows they were/are willing to beat off to some other couple doing it while their own spouse is asleep in bed and unaware. That could be anybody...literally...but probably NOT a very moral, very stable anybody. JMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 She doesnt know that her APs are emailing her happy Vday. I'm logged into her gmail and I changed the password. One asked where she has been and if she is going to have any "her time" today. It takes Skype a minimum of 30 days to deactivate an account. I'm sure she is getting messages there but if I log in then it goes back active. I'm trying hard not to log in and check. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Zombie Does she know that you know all this & that you changed the password to her gmail? At some point you have to talk to her about what you know & get the process of divorce (or reconciliation) underway. All this picking at the wound isn't doing you any good. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 She knows I changed the password and have access to it but I haven't told her she is getting mail from her APs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 She knows I changed the password and have access to it but I haven't told her she is getting mail from her APs. OK. This thread has gotten so involved I was sure I had missed something. I don't think you need to tell her that they are contacting her. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 If it were me I would send every single one that contacts a message stating that your wife has been exposed. No way. Then they start covering their tracks. She talks to all these guys via gmail? Did she have ads on Craigslist? You said the men were from overseas, how did she meet them? I guarantee she has met these men if they are emailing her on Vday. You don't do that to people you just sext on the regular. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 While I don't agree with trying to track down all these guys and their families. I think sending "this is the her husband, never contact her again" emails would be prudent. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 . She talks to all these guys via gmail? Did she have ads on Craigslist? You said the men were from overseas, how did she meet them? I guarantee she has met these men if they are emailing her on Vday. You don't do that to people you just sext on the regular. It sounds like she met them on porn sites - the kind that users can do live webcam interactions. Correct me if I am wrong OP, but I did not get the indication that she was placing craigslist ads for cyber sex. From what the OP has told us, this has all been cyber sex. If she was meeting them in person - wouldn't there be evidence of that in her emails? Rather than the fact that according to the OP she told these men that she was doing it for "spice" that she loved her husband and had no intention of going anywhere. OP also said anytime they tried to ask personal details that she would go cold on them. I do not think it's too unreasonable to think that horny guys would send their favorite cyber sex chick a "happy Valentine's" note. OP, have you found any men that live close to you all? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 True I guess. I justfind it hard to believe she was that hard core and not meeting people in person also. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 Vevecakes, me too but I have not found any evidence that she met any IRL. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 3 emails today one I matched with a Skype contact the other 2 IDK. Link to post Share on other sites
MickeyBill Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Don't reveal anything to the OMs right now. You should keep that avenue of info open until you know for sure she didn't have a double secret email for her favorites. Did she go on any out of town trips during this time? Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Protip - If you want to make sure that Skype account deletes and cannot be reactivated, change the password to a long string of random characters that you can't remember. I usually open a text editor (like Microsoft Word, notepad, whatever) type a long string of garbage, copy and paste it into the change password dialog, deactivate, close the text editor without saving and viola! Keep in mind that you may need to change the email address associated with it so she can't hit the forgot password button. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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