WilyWill Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I honestly wouldn't care how a couple of Internet weirdos reacted. She was obviously leading them on with all kinds of sex-selfies and sex-talk. The issue is with HER behavior, not theirs. Why is she a giddy teenager when Internet weirdos get off on her, and can't seem to fulfill the role of loving wife? Is she ever going to be capable of this? Why was YOUR interest in her not enough to keep her happy? These are questions she needs to answer. Tell your father-in-law to butt out if he sticks his head in again. If he wanted to make sure his daughter ended up in a secure, loving marriage, he should have considered providing an affectionate, nurturing home to her during her youth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 I have emailed with 2 of her affair partners on Gmail. They have emailed her several times, "where r u" and "remember me?" So I replied trying to understand this whole sexting culture. I replied, "very busy sorry" and I asked both of them "tell me baby what is it you love most about me?" They both replied with nearly the same answer. One said "the way you react" and the other said, "the way we interact it's so effortless". What do you guys make of those answers? Ok, this is starting to go into creepy territory, on your part. Are you going to divorce or not? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted February 22, 2017 Share Posted February 22, 2017 You need help. You are really going into a very dark place and no good comes of it. You are on the road to obsession. I don't know if this and other unhealthy thoughts and behavior pre date her foolishness or not, but you went to this bad place rather quickly. GET HELP FOR YOURSELF NOW. To answer your question to which the answer is obvious, I will say this: Some people (not sure if real men or teens or women) liked seeing a naked woman. Some people want to establish a connection with that naked woman. It is like dudes thinking the stripper really likes them or that the hooker has caught feelings for them. The hooker and stripper don't, but those losers want to believe it is true. Get help. Get help. Get help. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Wife apologies several times a day, she is pleasant and plays happy in front of the kids. When we are alone she is mopey. Before I found out she was acting like a happy and giddy like a wayward wild teenager. Anyway I have emailed with 2 of her affair partners on Gmail. They have emailed her several times, "where r u" and "remember me?" So I replied trying to understand this whole sexting culture. I replied, "very busy sorry" and I asked both of them "tell me baby what is it you love most about me?" They both replied with nearly the same answer. One said "the way you react" and the other said, "the way we interact it's so effortless". What do you guys make of those answers? Again ZH, none of this has to do with your recovery and path forward in life. You're just "pain shopping" and punishing yourself further with these interactions, a complete waste of time when there are more important things at hand. You have some decisions to make, turn off Gmail and focus on the basics - - does it make sense to live under the same roof right now? - what legal steps should you be considering? - your wife went off the deep end, is there any marital way back from that? - how can you best shepherd your kids through this? - is it worth putting effort into something that may not work? I'd forget about her AP's and focus on you... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Wife apologies several times a day, she is pleasant and plays happy in front of the kids. When we are alone she is mopey. Before I found out she was acting like a happy and giddy like a wayward wild teenager. Anyway I have emailed with 2 of her affair partners on Gmail. They have emailed her several times, "where r u" and "remember me?" So I replied trying to understand this whole sexting culture. I replied, "very busy sorry" and I asked both of them "tell me baby what is it you love most about me?" They both replied with nearly the same answer. One said "the way you react" and the other said, "the way we interact it's so effortless". What do you guys make of those answers? Dude...that is just messed up. Why are you doing that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 Lost my mind for a bit, closed the Gmail and I went ahead and exposed 2 of her affair partners. I was hunting for more information, possible IRL meetings that is why I emailed her affair partners. Dark place? I was in a dark place the day I saw her taking nude photos. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Doorstopper Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 You really should take your father in law up on counseling. If not MC, then IC for yourself. You need help understanding all of this, what it means, and how to move forward, either with or without her. People here can guide you on your path to recovery or reconciliation but you need more than that. I went through IC for about 6 months after my wife's EA, and I can not begin to tell you how helpful it was. The fact that you are still looking for stuff, and contacting APs seems to point to you not wanting to leave. You have more than enough info the end it and leave. If you do choose reconcilliation, you have something going for you that few of us had: At least at this point your wife seems to have been almost completely honest with little or no trickle truth. But I understand the dilemma. Something didn't happen once. It happened over and over over a long period. This makes it difficult to comprehend the why, hence the need for professional help for your own recovery. I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Lost my mind for a bit, closed the Gmail and I went ahead and exposed 2 of her affair partners. I was hunting for more information, possible IRL meetings that is why I emailed her affair partners. Dark place? I was in a dark place the day I saw her taking nude photos. Are you avoiding my question? Are you going to divorce or not? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) Lost your mind for a bit... pain shopping is not healthy or productive. It keeps you stuck in your anger, which means that you don't have to deal with your pain. You have more than enough to ask her to leave. Your hesitation speaks to your confusion right now. It's time to find a good counsellor to help you deal with the situation in a healthy manner and decide what you want for your future. Edited February 23, 2017 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 So what are you going to do... I am a little confused. You probably are too. Are you going to try and reconcile this thing???? Or are you going to divorce her???? Do not let money be the reason that you stay in the marriage. You can make more money. I am not saying you should do either. I will say that it seems the odds of her not having a physical affair in the last year or so seem really slim. I guess that it is possible? This situation is about as close as it gets if she did not. And frankly you really don't have to decide anything right away. But be sure that YOU DON'T DECIDE ANYTHING. If you don't know what you want then take your time, but do not commit to anything. Let me leave you with this. I have spent 26 years of my life, devoted to a woman that never loved me. That is half of my life. I took that long for me to figure that out because I was a fool in love. Don't take that long to understand what is really going on in your marriage. Take the reasonable amount of time necessary to figure it out one way or another, but please figure it out... Good luck ZH... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Lost your mind for a bit... pain shopping is not healthy or productive. It keeps you stuck in your anger, which means that you don't have to deal with your pain. You have more than enough to ask her to leave. Your hesitation speaks to your confusion right now. It's time to find a good counsellor to help you deal with the situation in a healthy manner and decide what you want for your future.Lost your mind for a bit... pain shopping is not healthy or productive. It keeps you stuck in your anger, which means that you don't have to deal with your pain. Whoa, what a concept: pain shopping. And what an interpretation: "... you don't have to deal with your pain" But having done it, I can say it's a true thing. Just didn't know it had a name. I would say that it's definitely obsessive, even addictive, and certainly non-productive, but the answer is not donning a straitjacket to keep from over-researching. It's what Bailey said that it "keeps you stuck in your anger, which means that you don't have to deal with your pain." And THAT is a very few words to say what is imho the least understood or talked about - but essential - stage that a BS must pass through. To get past it, you have to be with your pain for a while at some point without trying to stop it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 (edited) It was Mr Lucky who first used the term, but it is absolutely what zombie is doing... There is nothing to be gained and no purpose to contacting the other men other than to fuel your anger. Which is ok for a while because you need to feel that anger. But, at a certain point, you cause unnecessary pain for yourself and the risk is that you stay stuck, which prevents you from moving on to deal with the hard decisions. Edited February 23, 2017 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 Haven't decided if I want to stay in the marriage or not. I have been looking through the nude pics and sexting conversations several times a day. Looking at the dates and thinking back to where I was at those times and where the twins were. I haven't looked at that stuff today. Closed the gmail account last night and messaged on FB 2 betrayed wives and one called me today for more details. Will not take a dime from her dad, we dont have financial issues. I work 2 jobs so we can save for twin's college and retirement. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 (edited) As much as I want to tell you to stop looking for anger, I'll be a hypocrite. I did the same thing. I would ask myself; Where was she in her mind set when she said "I love you"? Was she thinking about him when we were on our romantic getaway? That night when I asked her if everything was ok and she responded "just a tough day at work". And so on, and so on. Don't know what to tell you. I bailed because I wasn't sure, when we were intimate, if she was thinking of the other men. Edited February 24, 2017 by BuddyX Grammar 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bigman1 Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 I get that you are in a dark place. Perhaps I should have said that you are going to darker places where you start doing things that are unhealthy and possibly worse. Reading the chat history, etc. is painful, but it does make sense. Heck, BS's regularly question ther WS for years about details. You have a transcript. That makes perfect sense to try to put dates, events, etc., around her actions. Painful, yes. Normal, heck yes. Beneficial? Yep. Good job on exposure! THAT is not the product of being in a bad place. It was productive for everyone. Whether to divorce or not, well, she's no one's wife but yours. You better fix yourself first, however. Once you are fixed (reasonably) then you can better decide if you want to stay in this thing. Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyBlue Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Haven't decided if I want to stay in the marriage or not. I have been looking through the nude pics and sexting conversations several times a day. Looking at the dates and thinking back to where I was at those times and where the twins were. I haven't looked at that stuff today. Closed the gmail account last night and messaged on FB 2 betrayed wives and one called me today for more details. Will not take a dime from her dad, we dont have financial issues. I work 2 jobs so we can save for twin's college and retirement. I've been a long time lurker but never actually registered until now. I just wanted to tell you that (I thought) most of us have been cheated on, in various forms, and you're still early on so all of your feelings are normal and quite sane compared to mine at least ? My husband of 8 years cheated on me while I was home taking care of our first born, he was deployed in the ever dangerous grounds of Hawaii. Alas, after finding out, I went through various stages, even had sex with him and strangely wanted to. It's called hysterical bonding, turns out it's a real thing. I'm not sure why most of the people of this forum are being so critical of you. I remember clearly the weeks/months following and my brain was spaghetti. I didn't know if I was coming or going, let alone 'WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?!' Or why I couldn't 'JUST LEAVE AND TAKE EVERY PENNY FROM THEM!'. It's just strange to me that people like me can't remember those initial weeks when it's all you can do just to shower, especially when children are involved. It's fine to not know exactly what you're going to do right now. It's fine to feel love and hate for her simultaneously. It's fine to take time and listen to every side. Just because I don't want the lynch mob after me for not spilling my guts, my husband had a physical affair for a month, in Hawaii, unencumbered. So I'm sure there was sex on the beach and anything else you could imagine. I stayed because I was a new mom and insecure. He wouldn't go to counseling and I was working full time and a new mom so I didn't mentally or physically have the strength to push it. I also didn't see the importance then. Hindsight. I'm still with him and if I could turn back time I would've left immediately. I can remember in detail the amount of emotional storm I was in because of us having a child together. It isn't cut and dry, period. Kudos to you for reaching out and seeking advice, I wish I had done the same. You're doing great and the only advice you should take is to think everything through and not be rash. Either way will be hard, Godspeed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Please step back and consider how well you communicate about each others desires and need. Just as for some woman Madonna/whore is a real thing letting a OM do things she would never do with her husband, I think a lot of men do the same thing with their wives vs other women. Read the comments from OM that she lapped up. Have you ever thought of telling her the same thing but did not out of respect for a wife? When was the last time you where really bold? So step back and look at yourself as well. Understand being bold and being an jerk can be a fine line, learn to walk it. You have another problem in your marriage, you work two jobs. Is your marriage more like that of two independent contractors working on two aspects of a project, or partners?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 25, 2017 Author Share Posted February 25, 2017 She had cc debit over $20k when we married. Took 2nd job to payoff debt quickly and event continued so we can save for the twins education and our retirement. We are debt free and our home will be paid off in 3 years. This was our plan, she stays home with the twins so they don't grow up in daycare and I generate the income. Apparently I wasn't filling her needs sexually?? I guess I could be more bold in bed and try new things? However right now I don't know if I'm going to.stay in the marriage or not and I have zero sexual attraction towards her. When I think about sex with her that video and her online sexting pop in my head and kill it. Today is day 3 without looking over her nudes amd sexting. The urge to look is less each day. I have detached from her and dont speak much. The twins can sense something is amiss between us. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Friend, get help, a consular with infidelity experience or your local clergy, everyone needs a shoulder sometimes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Apparently I wasn't filling her needs sexually?? I guess I could be more bold in bed and try new things? Who gave you that BS? I can tell you that NO ONE in the world can fill ALL of their partner's needs for an unlimited time. Think of the sexiest holywood star that you feel attracted to. After 10-15 years, I assure you that she wouldn't fill ALL of your sexual needs. Because for the perfect sex you need some mystery, surprises etc... So to let you think that something missing about you, is an ugly thing to do to my opinion. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 She had cc debit over $20k when we married. Took 2nd job to payoff debt quickly and event continued so we can save for the twins education and our retirement. We are debt free and our home will be paid off in 3 years. This was our plan, she stays home with the twins so they don't grow up in daycare and I generate the income. Apparently I wasn't filling her needs sexually?? I guess I could be more bold in bed and try new things? However right now I don't know if I'm going to.stay in the marriage or not and I have zero sexual attraction towards her. When I think about sex with her that video and her online sexting pop in my head and kill it. Today is day 3 without looking over her nudes amd sexting. The urge to look is less each day. I have detached from her and dont speak much. The twins can sense something is amiss between us. Ah, the old guilt trip. Man, no decent woman would be doing this. Cmon, this is way over the top of normal 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 It was cruel of her to basically say she "had" to have sex with other men because you couldn't fulfill her. That's just...ugh. Communicating lacks in a marriage? That's one thing. That IS something that SHOULD be addressed. Period. Before it gets to the point of an affair. (Did you two ever discuss sexual or other problems?) But in this case this woman apparently is claiming you should have, I don't know...fulfilled her need to have sex in front of a camera for hundreds of men...? So, how was that all supposed to play out? If she JUST had some specific physical needs she could have fulfilled that with ONE affair (and it shouldn't have even gotten to that point but I'm making my own point here). How would she ever have expected "her needs" which apparently involve dozens of men, to be fulfilled by one man - you? Further, how can she blame you for not being dozens of men? Does not compute. Baloney. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 Friend, get help, a consular with infidelity experience or your local clergy, everyone needs a shoulder sometimes. Amen. Zombie, there are people out there who's specific expertise involves helping folks in your situation. No one should take this on alone, it's too much to process when you're under pressure to make decisions and continue your day-to-day life at the same time. You don't want to rush into anything as each choice carries long-term implications. You also have the wild card of your spouse's behavior and further reveals regarding her infidelity. Get some help... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 ... Looking at the dates and thinking back to where I was at those times and where the twins were. .... THAT ^^^ is what I had to do for a very long time (because there was a lot of time that had to be accounted for). I saw it as correcting my memories so they're based in the true history. I had remembered them incorrectly and once I knew the truth I had to put his history next to mine and re-remember some events. Link to post Share on other sites
MIKEB1950 Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 geez only got to Feb 11 4.46 hrs and smell a "rat in the woodpile" 56 minutes between messages 45 minutes of that was sex she might think you are having an emotional affair with LoveShack ????? Link to post Share on other sites
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