Marc878 Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 Heathen, yes I have watched porn, way back in college days. Yeah it was fun, but I have no interest in watching porn, guess I'm a prude. Wife left her phone with me while she was staying at her parents. On a hunch I checked to see if maybe she had other secret email accounts that she hasn't told me about. I went to yahoo and put in her phone number and sure enough she also had a secret yahoo email. She did have an "emotional" affair with a guy from Arizona. He even told her he thought he was falling in love with her. They planned on meeting and he told her that he was so happy to finally meet a woman that was open to his desires to explore sexually. She told him things about our marriage, she told him that I didn't appreciate her, that our sex was "boring" ect ect. I don't know if they ever did meet in person, he would tell her how exciting it was making all the arrangements, hotel, rental car, ect ect, "it's all so exciting". Wow, it just keeps coming. If it wasn't physical it wasn't far off I'd send his emails to his wife just because 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted April 3, 2017 Author Share Posted April 3, 2017 The emails were from April 2016. The communication stopped after talk for meeting in person. The emails started in January 2016 thru April. They were having Skype sex, sending pictures, and sext chat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted April 3, 2017 Author Share Posted April 3, 2017 She came back yesterday. I wasn't happy to see her but the twins were glad she was home. They missed her. I haven't said a word about finding this new secret yahoo email account. Does it really matter at this point? Why bring it up, she did it, it is a year old, and I'm leaning more towards divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 What's it going to take? You don't seem to have a clear idea of what your boundaries are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted April 3, 2017 Author Share Posted April 3, 2017 I know my boundaries. She has crossed those boundaries. The decision now is whether to divorce or not. The twins is the only reason I considering R. I dont want to put them through a divorce, but I also don't want to be unhappy. Suck it up for them or free myself? She is remorseful, off social media, and is getting professional help. She is trying, but I'm still angry and want to be away from her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 I know my boundaries. She has crossed those boundaries. The decision now is whether to divorce or not. The twins is the only reason I considering R. I dont want to put them through a divorce, but I also don't want to be unhappy. Suck it up for them or free myself? She is remorseful, off social media, and is getting professional help. She is trying, but I'm still angry and want to be away from her. Some people just can't get past these things. It's better to divorce and hope you can show your kids an example of healthy happy divorced parents, than have them grow up in a home full of resentment anger and infidelity. Give yourself some time, it's still fresh, if you can't get past it you have to end it for the very reasons you're thinking of staying.... the kids 5 Link to post Share on other sites
starpower Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 She is remorseful, off social media, and is getting professional help. She is trying, but I'm still angry and want to be away from her. But she still is not being honest and transparent about what she has been up-to as those emails prove. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 I know my boundaries. She has crossed those boundaries. Well that's when you're supposed to separate. That is the point of boundaries! The twins is the only reason I considering R. I dont want to put them through a divorce, but I also don't want to be unhappy. It's not like that. If you continue with this, you will teach them how to live in an unhappy and unfaithful marriage. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 You cannot make any truly informed decision unless all the facts are laid out for both of you to go over. Expose what you found to her and see how she reacts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 The more you dig the more you find. After all of this and she is still trickle truthing you. Since you start this thread on a suspicion about sudden changes and recent behavioral changes in her actions and reactions, and catching her in the act with her picture taking on line activities, the evidence trail goes back to at least one year. I suspect it didn't just start all of a sudden out of the blue one year ago. However, you did discover her planning physical encounters then. Assuming that she was still trying to be careful and actively cover up and trying to destroy her digital activities, I suspect any Physical affairs and encounters were also being covered up. This more than likely goes back for years. Really high odds that she is actively having physical encounters. The way you described her relationship with her drinking partner, the neighbor probably knows alot if the details. Wouldn't be surprised if she was having regular 3 ways with them before heading home to take care of you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 This time frame, along with the possibilty that she may have had physical encounters in the past, leads to the possibility that that paternity of your children should be verrified. You should probably seriously consider getting a DNA test done on your children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 QuietDan and others have pointed out that the more you dig the more you find. With this latest discovery you've decided not to confront her about it. Like since it's been over for a year (?) why bring it up? If this is really the case, why in the hell don't you just stop digging already? If a WW has multiple affairs - the physical kind - we call them serial cheaters. Most posters here and on other Infidelity sites pretty much agree that a serial cheater isn't going to stop. They need psychiatric help and then, maybe, they will be able to establish boundaries and stop using sex to feed their ego. But the treatment can take years and you & your marriage will be collateral damage to her continued cheating. Maybe others will help out here - if a woman is a serial EA cheater do they ever stop? Like stop cold-turkey? Or is it very much like a serial PA cheater? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 Wow zombie....enough is enough. You will never...never..ever be able to trust her again. If it was me in that situation, I would send her packing, and I don't even believe in divorce. Sheesh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 The emails were from April 2016. The communication stopped after talk for meeting in person. The emails started in January 2016 thru April. They were having Skype sex, sending pictures, and sext chat. At some point, there has to be a line in the sand - truth from this point forward to have any chance of recovering. It's the minimum a BS should require. It's hard enough getting over what you already know, surviving more bricks in the wall is simply not doable... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 Heathen, yes I have watched porn, way back in college days. Yeah it was fun, but I have no interest in watching porn, guess I'm a prude. Wife left her phone with me while she was staying at her parents. On a hunch I checked to see if maybe she had other secret email accounts that she hasn't told me about. I went to yahoo and put in her phone number and sure enough she also had a secret yahoo email. She did have an "emotional" affair with a guy from Arizona. He even told her he thought he was falling in love with her. They planned on meeting and he told her that he was so happy to finally meet a woman that was open to his desires to explore sexually. She told him things about our marriage, she told him that I didn't appreciate her, that our sex was "boring" ect ect. I don't know if they ever did meet in person, he would tell her how exciting it was making all the arrangements, hotel, rental car, ect ect, "it's all so exciting". The only reason for her to be trying to manage the truth about this stuff at this point in the game and still be trying to hide her past and stay this secretive about this stuff at this point is that it gets a whole lot worse. If she is still trying to lie and cover up and not be forth coming about things given what she knows what you already know, she must believe the remaining truth would in fact be a total deal breaker. So, let's say she is pretty good and careful about her activities. This is what didn't get deleted. For the most part, she probable was deleting things as she went along. The racier and more dangerous stuff, most likely to deleted with out fail. The tamer, more benign stuff is the get around to it stuff. What percentage of stuff would have been routinely cleared out of history and erased as she went along. Say.... 90%? This is the changing/upgrading phone hick-ups, got interrupted, didn't get back to getting around to erase it stuff that got lost in the normal chaos of a busy life. Perhaps she found new more exiting stuff to get involved with and never got around to completely ending this one. Sort of one of those left over legacy get back to it, but, now the newest latest hottest available man on another site has got her interest and the other guy was starting to get boring after a few months. Out of the remaining 10% of stuff floating around out there, the latest greatest stuff that wasn't part of her good clean and clear routine because she was actively playing around with it. It sounds like you have found about, maybe 60% of it? This is the 60% of the 10% that she has been willing to face the music and come clean on. Still playing the only what you can prove game. Since she sounds like she might be somewhat remorseful and for the moment regrets the past that you have found out, she is still trying to manage the truth that you know. Why? If the other stuff is tamer, not as racy, wouldn't be easy to admit to and show good faith. Or, perhaps this is one of the few trees in the forest that she forgot about. Or, if she has to reveal this, is she concerned that you might find other stuff that is far worse? Link to post Share on other sites
MickeyBill Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 The emails were from April 2016. The communication stopped after talk for meeting in person. The emails started in January 2016 thru April. They were having Skype sex, sending pictures, and sext chat. Didn't she say once the OM got serious and personal she'd cut it off? Did she do that here? She's got some 'splaining to do but it is before DDay so it's another old violation. If you are leaning towards D this won't change things. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 Bearing in mind she's destroyed the marriage, would she not be willing (through sheer guilt and shame), to reach a financial settlement with you, that doesn't cost an arm and a leg? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Heathen Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 This thread has so many twist and turns. On the outset, I believed your wife had a serious sex kink (exhibition) but she drew the line and maintained boundaries with no direct contact. It appeared your wife could not share her fantasies with you, so she took the next step and did it anonymously. Filming you was a serious breach, along with the frequency. The kink was out of control. I would probably not marry a porn star, but I might entertain my SOs fantasies as long as it did not directly involve others. Women have some nice fantasies if you allow them to feel free to express them. The recent revelation appears to be a EA. That does not appear to be a fantasy. At this point I don't think you will ever know the truth without a polygraph. Your rabbit hole just got deeper. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 The problem is, this might be behavior stemming from childhood sexual abuse, or out of control sexual experimentation during adolescence, teenage years, or even late teens/early twenties. She might be having a very difficult time controlling it, resisting it, managing it. Is this an expression of a sort of uncontrolled obsessive compulsion, versus something that is a bit more in line with what is commonly covered through these threads. I mean, many waywards start out dabbling with a relationship, that turns obsessive, addictive. In this case, it still feels and sounds like some sort of sexual addiction/obsession that may occasionally drift into the emotional category. Almost like a mirror image of the typical female wayward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
UpArrow Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 Scorched earth bud. It's time. Use your resources to fight her dad for shared custody so you can help protect the twins from mom as the years go by. She's gonna crazy one day in ways that are far from sexy. Sorry for your heartache. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jimmytwowheels Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 I doubt you'll read all this, since you're experiencing a deluge of opinions. I'll try to be brief. You need to pull the trigger and initiate a divorce, or man up and move into real procedures to salvage your marriage. What you're doing right now, is understandable, but it's pointless and counterproductive. You really are a zombie. You're just delving into more and more pain, reliving the agony, but not really accepting it. Fact - your wife betrayed you. It doesn't actually matter what she did at this point. Be it physical, emotional or just internet porn. She betrayed your trust. Fact - she is trying. Maybe she's just remorseful now that she's caught, but you have said she is remorseful and attempting to set things right. If you want to stay, get her a new counsellor, get into marriage counselling, and have some strict, real conversations with her. I get it, you're hurt, but right now you're just compounding the pain until you're paralyzed. Don't try to stay together for the kids, just make your decision based on what you can live with. Personally, I would give her a shot. I would be heart broken to hell and back, but I'd give her a shot. The readiness with which she surrendered her phone implies to me a literal addiction and mental reliance on attention. Again - pick one and move on it. I've never been cheated on by my wife, but in the distant past a girlfriend did cheat on me, and it was goddam terrible. I know you're hurting, but you need to shut down your feelings a little, stop faffing around in her phone and make some decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 I am sorry to say that your wife has more then just a kink as I originally thought. To be clear early on you stated your wife cut contact with a OM when he attempted to make both an emotional and physical contact but this new revelation of a OM she wrote about meeting is yet another OM? Link to post Share on other sites
Doorstopper Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 I know I'm going to take some heat from this but: If his wife has been honest with everything but this yahoo e-mail, Isn't it possible that she forgot about the yahoo e-mail? That relationship seemed to have progressed just like all the others, as soon as he mentioned meeting, it was broken off. I do not remember the exact number, but wasn't it something like 80 guys in 18 months. That's about 5 different guys a months, forgetting about one is not a stretch of the imagination. And since she didn't seem to be terribly attached to anyone of these guys (even the yahoo guy was only 4 months), what's the point of saving someone for a year? A woman like this could go online and find any relationship with a new guy in 5 min. If absolutely everything else checks out, and she answers truthfully to the specific question " Did you ever have a yahoo e-mail account? " this incident might be worth giving a pass. But, In spite of all this a polygraph is in order. A no to that request might be a telling sign. But as the others have said, as hard as it is, you need to start moving forward in one direction or the other. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted April 7, 2017 Share Posted April 7, 2017 I know I'm going to take some heat from this but: If his wife has been honest with everything but this yahoo e-mail, Isn't it possible that she forgot about the yahoo e-mail? That relationship seemed to have progressed just like all the others, as soon as he mentioned meeting, it was broken off. I do not remember the exact number, but wasn't it something like 80 guys in 18 months. That's about 5 different guys a months, forgetting about one is not a stretch of the imagination. And since she didn't seem to be terribly attached to anyone of these guys (even the yahoo guy was only 4 months), what's the point of saving someone for a year? A woman like this could go online and find any relationship with a new guy in 5 min. If absolutely everything else checks out, and she answers truthfully to the specific question " Did you ever have a yahoo e-mail account? " this incident might be worth giving a pass. But, In spite of all this a polygraph is in order. A no to that request might be a telling sign. But as the others have said, as hard as it is, you need to start moving forward in one direction or the other. Frankly, i was thinking the same thing, that's why i was asking about the date stamp. Seems she had not accessed it of a year or so..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 QuietDan and others have pointed out that the more you dig the more you find. With this latest discovery you've decided not to confront her about it. Like since it's been over for a year (?) why bring it up? If this is really the case, why in the hell don't you just stop digging already? If a WW has multiple affairs - the physical kind - we call them serial cheaters. Most posters here and on other Infidelity sites pretty much agree that a serial cheater isn't going to stop. They need psychiatric help and then, maybe, they will be able to establish boundaries and stop using sex to feed their ego. But the treatment can take years and you & your marriage will be collateral damage to her continued cheating. Maybe others will help out here - if a woman is a serial EA cheater do they ever stop? Like stop cold-turkey? Or is it very much like a serial PA cheater? Only a WW? What about a WM? Know about serial cheaters but guess it's irrelevant here. Link to post Share on other sites
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