nude pics red flag??

[usa1ah]

The twins are a boy and girl. I really appreciate the responses, I appreciate you guys giving your time to help see things through a different point of view.

 

Last week on my suggestion I recommended that she start using her smartphone again. She was using an old flip phone that only calls or texts and the battery was terrible, it would only hold a charge for about 20 minutes tops.

 

Well she is back on facebook, which I have the password and can monitor it. The problem I'm having is I feel like online friends are more important than our relationship.

 

For example, last night she and her parents went for a walk on a nature trail. She took pics and posted them on her facebook page with a description. "Had a nice stroll with mom and dad, we saw a skunk and a turtle, beautiful night". Also they went out for lunch and she took a selfie in front of the restaurant saying, "this place has the best pecan pancakes I can't wait to have some".

 

None of the pics came to me, no phone calls about what she is doing with her folks. Today the pics of her time with at her parents are popping up all over social media but they are not coming personally to me. I find out about her life through social media, I'm just realizing that has how it's been for a long time. I'm just one of her online "followers" not really her husband.

 

Why can't she send with the IMO very personal pic of the natural trail in a private text saying something like, "I'm having a nice time with my parents, I wish you and the twins are here with me". Instead she updates online strangers, I feel like just one of her online "followers". The closeness is gone, it has been gone for a long time.

 

When I'm out doing something without my wife and I want to share it I text her, directly, personally, I don't put it on facebook or some other social media site and let my wife find out that way.

 

Maybe we have just grown apart, together but alone. Now that she has that smartphone back she is always on it. The phone is on her nightstand and she checks it when she makes up, it's in her hand all day. I have full access to it so I can check at anytime I want, but still she is glued to that phone. At bedtime she is on it, I make a "sigh" noise and she will put it down, but the point is I have to ask her to give our relationship attention, she would rather have her face buried in her phone than interact with me and our kids.

 

I want to tell her that I want the phone back and off facebook and everything else, but she will pout and mope around like a punished teenager. I want her to take the initiative herself, I want her to decided on her what is more important, I don't want to have to force my wife to focus on our marriage and kids, she should be able to do that on her own.

 

 

Because this is who she is now. Just like she chose the other men over you. She is not the woman you married all those years ago. Hate to say it but sounds like "out of sight out of mind". If she was really trying to fix or wanted to, she would share with you like you do with her.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zombie, your last two posts remind me of the adage "Trying to drive a square peg into a round hole". This is exactly what you are trying to do. On the one hand you want to avoid divorce because of the twins. On the other hand you are spewing venom at your wife for the way she is behaving. These two actions are completely incompatible and it is like you trying to get two parallel lines to meet at some point. By definition two parallel lines meet at infinity which by definition is never. Now you can keep grinding your teeth in frustration and fulminating to your hearts content but you will never get these two incompatible situations to miraculously dovetail unless another miracle happens and your wife becomes an angel.

 

What I don't get is that on the one hand you say the twins do not miss their mother and do not want to talk to her. In fact you had to tutor them to get them to talk to her in a civil manner. On the other hand you say you do not want to divorce your wife because of the twins and because you do not want them to be the product of s broken home. I am sorry but somewhere you are not coming across ad authentic in your intentions. Rather, it seems to me that instead of your kids it is you wanting to avoid divorce because of your own overpowering need for your wife. If that be so just admit it and and suck it up like I said before and live out your life as her subordinate catering to her every wish and happily licking up the crumbs that she throws in your direction. All this talk of not wanting your kids to come from a broken home is just so much justification on your part to make it seem as a very noble gesture o and sacrifice on your part when in actual fact it is you who needs her in your lie watts and all and not your kids. I think any number of people on this forum will tell you that it is better for you to divorce and let your kids grow up with two happy but separate parents rather than two unhappy parents forced to live together for the sake if their kids. I think it is time you took a decision rather than come back to this forum every so often and spew venom about your wife but then do nothing to redress the situation. Sorry if this seems harsh but you have to get your blinkers off and start living. Warm wishes.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Your kids may not know exactly "what" has happened between their parents, but I can well imagine that they know "something" has happened. Kids are smart, they feel these things. They also like to eavesdrop - you have no idea what they have seen or overheard.

 

This was true in my situation soon after D-day; the first year or so of R. My wife and I did our very best to shield our kids from our issues. The oldest sensed that something was off. She talked about divorced parents often. For a school project (3rd or 4th grade?) she wrote a story about parents divorcing, and the kids came up with a plan to save the marriage. Reading that story was heart-breaking.

 

Also my volatile state of emotions at times affected how I parented.

 

I understand about keeping the family intact, but you also have to accept what can be repaired and what can't be repaired.

[zombiehead]

Not feeling the intense anger and disgusted today. It feels good to have a break from the anger.

 

She went out with her friends she grew up with last night. They went to "On the Border" last night for dinner and drinks. They had a good time, snapping selfies for facebook like a bunch of teenage girls not 40yr old women. Group selfies, girl on girl, cheek to cheek trying to look sexy selfies. She was back at her parents by 8:30. She had 3 or 4 margaritas and was buzzing pretty hard. Her speech was slurred a bit. She was talking to me in her baby voice, "I love you honey, do you love me", "why do love me" ect ect. I find it annoying when she talks to me in her baby voice.

 

Anyway she planned a camping trip this coming weekend for us. It's at a state park about 2 hours away. We camped there in March 2016 and she sent nude pics of herself in the public showers there to her online lovers, talking about having sex with them in public shower, of course that spurred a flurry of erection pics from this men. I told her last night that I'm not sure about this camping trip, last time we were there you brought your affair partners along, sending them nudes in the public shower ect ect. She said, I had so much fun on the trip, we went fishing, hiking, and biking, cooking out sleeping in the tent, it was fun. I replied, yes you had fun, you got to enjoy all that and you got to do your sexting too.

 

Anyway, I have been researching online about sexting. Many say it can help to spice up a marriage. UGH!! No, I could see watching a porn flick together, or buying some toys, or role playing outfits, but NO, what my wife was doing was not spicing up our sex life, it was destroying our marriage. My wife tried this justification after I confronted her as well, but she quickly abandoned that defense. It's like porn, men get to go to strip bars, it's not physical, be happy you get the real thing. blah blah blah crap.

 

I hate to do this but I'm going to have to coach my wife on how to be remorseful if our marriage is going to survive because she just doesnt get it. I will have to overcome the fact that I had to coach her, having to show her how to be remorseful makes it feel so much less sincere and honest.

 

If she was truly remorseful she would be totally focused on our family and would stop social media.

[BaileyB]

This was true in my situation soon after D-day; the first year or so of R. My wife and I did our very best to shield our kids from our issues. The oldest sensed that something was off. She talked about divorced parents often. For a school project (3rd or 4th grade?) she wrote a story about parents divorcing, and the kids came up with a plan to save the marriage. Reading that story was heart-breaking.

 

Also my volatile state of emotions at times affected how I parented.

 

I understand about keeping the family intact, but you also have to accept what can be repaired and what can't be repaired.

 

That's very sad. But yes, I do believe that the volatile state of emotions affects how one parents.

 

Zombie, you speak with such anger and resentment towards your wife. I find it hard to believe that your children do not feel this from you when you are together. Perhaps, that is part of the reason why they are rejecting their mother?

 

Indeed, it does seem inconsistent how you say that the children reject their mother, yet you say that you want to stay because you don't want your children to be from a broken home. It is why I would say, your home is already broken.

 

More likely, you stay because you love your wife and you want your life to go back to what you thought it was, before the texting. It would seem that you grieve the loss of the relationship you thought you had, and you continue to want, with your wife.

Edited May 24, 2017 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Anyway, I have been researching online about sexting. Many say it can help to spice up a marriage. UGH!! NO, what my wife was doing was not spicing up our sex life, it was destroying our marriage.

 

That's because - she wasn't sexting with you! In any other relationship, setting with your partner can be very fun and it can definitely spice up a marriage (assuming that both people find it fun).

 

It's obvious, it did nothing to spice up your marriage because she was sharing what should have been shared with you, with other men.

 

I would think that the camping trip would be a huge trigger for you. the fact that your wife wants to return to this place becaus she had fun shows her immaturity and her inability to consider anyone's opinion or feelings, other than her own.

[here222]

ZH

I seems things have taken a turn for the worse, sorry to hear that. Now for the advice. I think if you could take some time for yourself away from your wife and family I think it would help. Take a least a couple of weeks, more if you can and let your wife deal with the kids and day to day things, just remove yourself from them. You be the one to call your kids to tell them you love them and miss them for a change.

Before going tell your wife you need clarity in your life and being on your own might help.

Tell her you will come home when she REALLY understands what see needs to do to make this work. But you need to be alone for a while. It will be hard but not any harder then what you are dealing with now.

All along I have been in favor of this working out, and I hope it does. I think after your recent post, I understand that wife is just not the one understanding how this is affecting you and the twins.

I hope after some time apart you will get your answer. God knows you need one.

[NVO]

Yesterday when I said the kid's miss their mom I was really projecting my feeling on them. Last night she called when I was reading to them, talking to them with her fake high pitch happy voice and I can tell the kids know it's fake, it seem like they were rolling their eyes listening to her. She asked our son if he missed her and he didn't respond. She asked again and he said, "goodnight mom, talk to dad" and he handed me the phone, pretty much the same with our daughter. The twins have always preferred me over her, I spend the most time with them when I'm home, she ignores them around the house. She gives her attention to her online "life". They always since they could talk, "I want daddy", "daddy do it". This may have been one of things that pushed her into her online betrayal. My wife would cry sometimes because the twins would pick me over her. I enjoyed been the favorite, maybe I should have promoted her more with the kids instead of feeling proud that they want me over her. The twins want me to be the one that reads to them at night, they come to me for everything.

 

 

Your kids already start to notice. It's like I said in my post earlier in this thread. When your wife is around in the house, the energy changes. Please don't think your kids do not notice this. Hell, your kids could even be listening to your conversations at night. I know I was when my parents were discussing the divorce, the fights and so on.

 

I think you have a very kind personality, maybe too kind. Because I don't think you should feel guilty about the kids wanting you more than they want their mother. After all, their senses were right. Looks to me you are the only person they can count on, as mum is living her online life. Also it's my opinion that you should not make your kids say things they don't want too. In that way you are giving them the example that it's okay to do something you don't want to do, if you are being overrulled by someone with authority.

 

You put your kids on the number one spot, and that's a great thing. But please, and I cannot stress this enough, be aware of your kids and about their perspective. Know that they pick up on everything.

 

It's not the divorce or growing up in a broken home that hurts a kid. It's how the parents treat and communicate to eachother that makes the difference.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I guess trying to advise Zombie about his marriage is like trying to get a dog with a curly tail to straighten it out. I guess it borders on the impossible. He just ignores posts and advice he does not like and goes back to behaving the way he has been all this while. He reminds me of the adage "You can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink". I guess there is no point in further advising him about anything. His decisions and his behaviour are set in stone. I would think he is in need of some serious therapy. Maybe some of the problems in his marriage are of his own making. Wish him the best.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Not feeling the intense anger and disgusted today. It feels good to have a break from the anger.

 

She went out with her friends she grew up with last night. They went to "On the Border" last night for dinner and drinks. They had a good time, snapping selfies for facebook like a bunch of teenage girls not 40yr old women. Group selfies, girl on girl, cheek to cheek trying to look sexy selfies. She was back at her parents by 8:30. She had 3 or 4 margaritas and was buzzing pretty hard. Her speech was slurred a bit. She was talking to me in her baby voice, "I love you honey, do you love me", "why do love me" ect ect. I find it annoying when she talks to me in her baby voice.

 

Anyway she planned a camping trip this coming weekend for us. It's at a state park about 2 hours away. We camped there in March 2016 and she sent nude pics of herself in the public showers there to her online lovers, talking about having sex with them in public shower, of course that spurred a flurry of erection pics from this men. I told her last night that I'm not sure about this camping trip, last time we were there you brought your affair partners along, sending them nudes in the public shower ect ect. She said, I had so much fun on the trip, we went fishing, hiking, and biking, cooking out sleeping in the tent, it was fun. I replied, yes you had fun, you got to enjoy all that and you got to do your sexting too.

 

Anyway, I have been researching online about sexting. Many say it can help to spice up a marriage. UGH!! No, I could see watching a porn flick together, or buying some toys, or role playing outfits, but NO, what my wife was doing was not spicing up our sex life, it was destroying our marriage. My wife tried this justification after I confronted her as well, but she quickly abandoned that defense. It's like porn, men get to go to strip bars, it's not physical, be happy you get the real thing. blah blah blah crap.

 

I hate to do this but I'm going to have to coach my wife on how to be remorseful if our marriage is going to survive because she just doesnt get it. I will have to overcome the fact that I had to coach her, having to show her how to be remorseful makes it feel so much less sincere and honest.

 

If she was truly remorseful she would be totally focused on our family and would stop social media.

 

ZH...

 

Please listen to me....because you post and post...and never listen.

 

Remorse is not something that can be coached...and I do know what I am talking about here.

 

Your wife has no concept ...I dont even know that she has regret.

 

Let me tell you what she should be doing right now....

 

She should be asking you how to help you...she should be telling you that she recognizes that she needs to reset her boundaries. She should volunteer to give up her phone and facebook. She should be HOME with you clinging to you and her children.

 

Do you know why she isn't? Because she is not afraid she is going to lose you. She knows that she can continue to do whatever she wants to becasue you have made her feel like you will allow her to.

 

I was not remorseful for many years...HOWEVER...immediately...I became transparent and tried to help my husband. I was concerned about my husband. I was not going out drinking with friends.

 

YOu are going to coach her to be remorseful? How about you try coaching her to be a wife and mom first. There is no way i would have gone out and left my husband with my kids after DDAY. NO way!

 

YOu leave me confused and frustrated....it's as if you just dont get it yourself. and if you dont get it...how in the world do you think you can coach her to gt it?

 

YOu need to tell your wife to stay with her parents. ...and go file for diovrce....and if and when she grows up and becomes a responsible adult...you might can consider re marriage. But I dont think you will have that option...becasue as soon as you are out of the picture...she will be having a great time with everybody else.

 

Can you acknowledge...that your wife has no impathy? Can you recognize that the only person she cares about herself?

 

She has planned a weekend in a place that will cause you nothing but triggers...why? Becasue she had such a great time....while sending other men naked pictures of herself from the bathroom.

 

 

Class...real class....really good wife and mother material.

 

She will never change...becasue you enable her. If you do not demand and require her to become a responsible adult....she wont do it on her own....and I dont think you are capable. All you want to do is come to a forum and gripe and complain about your wife...but you dont really want to put forth the effort to do anything about it.

 

I am sorry...but sometimes we have to sleep in the beds we made....this is your life until you decide to actually do something about it. You are in control here. You dont like whats happeneing? Change it.

[BaileyB]

what my wife was doing was not spicing up our sex life, it was destroying our marriage. My wife tried this justification after I confronted her as well, but she quickly abandoned that defense. It's like porn, men get to go to strip bars, it's not physical, be happy you get the real thing. blah blah blah crap.

 

I hate to do this but I'm going to have to coach my wife on how to be remorseful if our marriage is going to survive because she just doesnt get it. I will have to overcome the fact that I had to coach her, having to show her how to be remorseful makes it feel so much less sincere and honest.

 

There is no remorse. The only remorse that she feels is that she got caught.

 

You can't coach someone to feel true remorse. Either a person has the ability to consider the situation from another persons perspective, thus understanding how the behavior has been hurtful, or they don't. Your wife doesn't have this ability. So, she can't possibly feel true remorse and begin to feel make amends.

 

But hey, if you want to listen to her excuses, allow her to minimize her betrayal, and shift the blame to you... That's your choice.

 

If I was your children, I would be very upset with both of you. Your wife, for engaging in the selfish and immature behavior that has destroyed your family... And you, for enabling and allowing her to do it.

Edited May 24, 2017 by BaileyB

[zombiehead]

Our kids have heard a few arguments over the betrayal. They told me yesterday when I was talking with them about their mom. They said it is nice not to hear yelling when we are trying to go to sleep. I feel terrible that they heard yelling. My wife is the one that starts yelling then I get loud. I try to calmly discuss our problems and she starts getting loud and defensive.

 

I know there is good in her, before smartphones she was good, a bit selfish but for the most part good. Getting her back to good is going to take work. I believe she is slipping into some sort of narcissist type personality. Look at me, snap snap selfies, look at me!!! Give me likes, give me attention, tell me how awesome I am, I'm just a industrial size container of awesome sauce.

 

The kids said it is nice not to worry if there is going be yelling when they are trying to go to sleep. They said they have more fun with me, that we do stuff together and mom doesn't do much with them. She likes to show them off like trophies on social media, but around the house she is like don't bother me. The twins come to me for everything, dinner, food, ouchies, school work, clothes, reading, playing. She is so hands off until other people are around, or she likes to show them off on social media and social gatherings.

 

She needs a lot of work, this sexting betrayal is just a symptom of a deeper flaw in her personality that is going to be difficult to correct because she is so stubborn, I mean really stubborn. I did tell her parents, they know, they told me that I can't control her and that they believe she has a mental illness.

 

Anyway I found another place to go camping that is a bit further away. There is no coverage for smartphones at this other state park. I think it would be good to get away with all of us together, and I'm going to try to not thinking about the sexting. I'm going to focus on enjoying being together as a family. Showing kindness to their mother. I feel guilty about them hearing the arguments, but I didn't bring these problems into our family, she did.

[BaileyB]

Our kids have heard a few arguments over the betrayal. They told me yesterday when I was talking with them about their mom. They said it is nice not to hear yelling when we are trying to go to sleep. I feel terrible that they heard yelling. My wife is the one that starts yelling then I get loud. I try to calmly discuss our problems and she starts getting loud and defensive.

 

I know there is good in her, before smartphones she was good, a bit selfish but for the most part good. Getting her back to good is going to take work. I believe she is slipping into some sort of narcissist type personality. Look at me, snap snap selfies, look at me!!! Give me likes, give me attention, tell me how awesome I am, I'm just a industrial size container of awesome sauce.

 

The kids said it is nice not to worry if there is going be yelling when they are trying to go to sleep. They said they have more fun with me, that we do stuff together and mom doesn't do much with them. She likes to show them off like trophies on social media, but around the house she is like don't bother me. The twins come to me for everything, dinner, food, ouchies, school work, clothes, reading, playing. She is so hands off until other people are around, or she likes to show them off on social media and social gatherings.

 

She needs a lot of work, this sexting betrayal is just a symptom of a deeper flaw in her personality that is going to be difficult to correct because she is so stubborn, I mean really stubborn. I did tell her parents, they know, they told me that I can't control her and that they believe she has a mental illness.

 

Anyway I found another place to go camping that is a bit further away. There is no coverage for smartphones at this other state park. I think it would be good to get away with all of us together, and I'm going to try to not thinking about the sexting. I'm going to focus on enjoying being together as a family. Showing kindness to their mother. I feel guilty about them hearing the arguments, but I didn't bring these problems into our family, she did.

 

She is going to need a lot of work, but it's not your job or her parents job to "fix" her at this point. It's not your job to patrol her cell phone use.

 

You are her husband, not her counsellor and not her parent.

 

You are also, the father of those children. They are looking for you to lead the way... You seem like a kind and loving parent. But, as it relates to setting healthy boundaries for your family and dealing with this situation with your wife, you are doing a very poor job.

 

You really need to find a good counsellor. YOU, need a lot of work too.

Edited May 24, 2017 by BaileyB

[Silveron]

Borderline Personality Disorder. Sounds like she has it. Look it up. It's incurable. She needs counseling, which won't cure it but make your lives bearable.

[here222]

ZH

After reading your latest post I want you to forget my earlier comment. Keep at what you are doing as I think you have the best grasp on your life then anybody on here.

And folks please either give this man some support in what he is trying to do or say nothing at all. He is coming for help and I think he has got this.

So try cheering him on.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Zh .. you cannot fix her. You just can't. She has to fix herself... and she is not going to fix herself until she sees the consequences of NOT fixing herself.

 

You cannot make an addict stop using

 

You cannot make an alcoholic stop drinking

 

You cannot make a smoker stop smoking

 

You cannot make an abusive spouse stop beating their spouse.

 

You can supply the tools and the drs and the medication to help them but they have to recognize their problem and desire to help themselves.

 

You have been told this over and over.

 

She does not want help. She doesn't need help. She is doing exactly what she wants when she wants with no consequences.. and if you try to approach her... she lashes out at you.

 

If she truly has mental issues... you need professional help.

 

If she has a personality flaw.. you need professional help

 

You cannot fix her... period

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I know there is good in her, before smartphones she was good, a bit selfish but for the most part good. Getting her back to good is going to take work. I believe she is slipping into some sort of narcissist type personality. Look at me, snap snap selfies, look at me!!! Give me likes, give me attention, tell me how awesome I am, I'm just a industrial size container of awesome sauce.

 

The need for external validation is a one the most common personality traits of cheaters. They don't feel worthy on their own (low self-esteem). Validation from the spouse is not enough. They seek validation from co-workers, strangers, social media, etc.

 

From reading this long thread, this need for external validation is a huge contributor to her issues.

[BettyDraper]

Not feeling the intense anger and disgusted today. It feels good to have a break from the anger.

 

She went out with her friends she grew up with last night. They went to "On the Border" last night for dinner and drinks. They had a good time, snapping selfies for facebook like a bunch of teenage girls not 40yr old women. Group selfies, girl on girl, cheek to cheek trying to look sexy selfies. She was back at her parents by 8:30. She had 3 or 4 margaritas and was buzzing pretty hard. Her speech was slurred a bit. She was talking to me in her baby voice, "I love you honey, do you love me", "why do love me" ect ect. I find it annoying when she talks to me in her baby voice.

 

Anyway she planned a camping trip this coming weekend for us. It's at a state park about 2 hours away. We camped there in March 2016 and she sent nude pics of herself in the public showers there to her online lovers, talking about having sex with them in public shower, of course that spurred a flurry of erection pics from this men. I told her last night that I'm not sure about this camping trip, last time we were there you brought your affair partners along, sending them nudes in the public shower ect ect. She said, I had so much fun on the trip, we went fishing, hiking, and biking, cooking out sleeping in the tent, it was fun. I replied, yes you had fun, you got to enjoy all that and you got to do your sexting too.

 

Anyway, I have been researching online about sexting. Many say it can help to spice up a marriage. UGH!! No, I could see watching a porn flick together, or buying some toys, or role playing outfits, but NO, what my wife was doing was not spicing up our sex life, it was destroying our marriage. My wife tried this justification after I confronted her as well, but she quickly abandoned that defense. It's like porn, men get to go to strip bars, it's not physical, be happy you get the real thing. blah blah blah crap.

 

I hate to do this but I'm going to have to coach my wife on how to be remorseful if our marriage is going to survive because she just doesnt get it. I will have to overcome the fact that I had to coach her, having to show her how to be remorseful makes it feel so much less sincere and honest.

 

If she was truly remorseful she would be totally focused on our family and would stop social media.

 

Sexting only spices up a marriage if the spouses are sending sexts to each other and not APs. Your wife is being ridiculous!

 

Please do not coach your wife on remorse. You shouldn't have to do that. It's clear that your wife lacks respect for you and the marriage. Your wife knows you will never leave and she can do whatever she wants. The only way to change that is to kick her out until she shows remorse. You cannot repair this marriage on your own. Your wife has to be willing to do the work as well.

[bluefeather]

Hi Folks, I guess trying to advise Zombie about his marriage is like trying to get a dog with a curly tail to straighten it out. I guess it borders on the impossible. He just ignores posts and advice he does not like and goes back to behaving the way he has been all this while. He reminds me of the adage "You can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink". I guess there is no point in further advising him about anything. His decisions and his behaviour are set in stone. I would think he is in need of some serious therapy. Maybe some of the problems in his marriage are of his own making. Wish him the best.

 

That is why I stopped trying to advise him several pages ago. He does not listen - only complains. His wife has a serious issue, but he has a problem of his own and he does not admit it.

 

I hate to do this but I'm going to have to coach my wife on how to be remorseful...

 

He does not realize how ridiculous that sounds. That is a task for professionals. He will fail as his attempts feed his resentment.

 

 

Our kids have heard a few arguments over the betrayal.... I feel terrible that they heard yelling.

 

He doesn't even feel half as terrible as they do, and that is his fault. I and others warned him about the potential harm that would come to his children if he stayed with that woman.

 

I feel guilty about them hearing the arguments, but I didn't bring these problems into our family, she did.

 

A better father would be more concerned with stopping their children's suffering, instead of feeling guilty and directing blame. Whoever brought the problems in is irrelevant right now, as he is allowing the problems to continue and get worse.

[William]

So, mindful of the reality that discussions occur about topics, here nude pictures being a red flag, and that members are not required to read, accept, respond to or act upon any advice or insight provided on these forums, we'll consider such off-ramps to be sufficiently investigated and move back to the main topic here and of course treat all members, including the person who started the topic, with the civility and respect our guidelines proscribe. Thanks in advance for your cooperation!

[QuietDan]

I believe in redemption, patients, and hope. Your situation is not ideal or standard for an optimal chance for recovery. But, you made a very compelling case. Some people lose their way in life. I appreciate your frustration, fear, pain, anger, desire, and hope. I don't know what is best for your situation.

A husband and wife relationship is best in the long haul. It will probably require a lot of grace, patience, and tough love, and hope to get there.

Praying and hoping for the best outcome for everyone in this situation.

[usa1ah]

Not feeling the intense anger and disgusted today. It feels good to have a break from the anger.

 

She went out with her friends she grew up with last night. They went to "On the Border" last night for dinner and drinks. They had a good time, snapping selfies for facebook like a bunch of teenage girls not 40yr old women. Group selfies, girl on girl, cheek to cheek trying to look sexy selfies. She was back at her parents by 8:30. She had 3 or 4 margaritas and was buzzing pretty hard. Her speech was slurred a bit. She was talking to me in her baby voice, "I love you honey, do you love me", "why do love me" ect ect. I find it annoying when she talks to me in her baby voice.

 

Anyway she planned a camping trip this coming weekend for us. It's at a state park about 2 hours away. We camped there in March 2016 and she sent nude pics of herself in the public showers there to her online lovers, talking about having sex with them in public shower, of course that spurred a flurry of erection pics from this men. I told her last night that I'm not sure about this camping trip, last time we were there you brought your affair partners along, sending them nudes in the public shower ect ect. She said, I had so much fun on the trip, we went fishing, hiking, and biking, cooking out sleeping in the tent, it was fun. I replied, yes you had fun, you got to enjoy all that and you got to do your sexting too.

 

Anyway, I have been researching online about sexting. Many say it can help to spice up a marriage. UGH!! No, I could see watching a porn flick together, or buying some toys, or role playing outfits, but NO, what my wife was doing was not spicing up our sex life, it was destroying our marriage. My wife tried this justification after I confronted her as well, but she quickly abandoned that defense. It's like porn, men get to go to strip bars, it's not physical, be happy you get the real thing. blah blah blah crap.

 

I hate to do this but I'm going to have to coach my wife on how to be remorseful if our marriage is going to survive because she just doesnt get it. I will have to overcome the fact that I had to coach her, having to show her how to be remorseful makes it feel so much less sincere and honest.

 

If she was truly remorseful she would be totally focused on our family and would stop social media.

 

The last two paragraphs say everything. Your wife is not focused on you or the kids. It is all about me me me. Why the heck would she be doing sexy and G on G selfies if she was concerned about you or the marriage. It is to save face and show everyone that there are no problems between the two of you.

 

You can not coach her to be remorseful, either she is or she is not. If not then she still believes what she did was ok and you are blowing it up for no reason. Your wife should have sexted with you to spice things up, not other men.

 

Sorry but going out with friends and posting like she did tells all. She see no reason work on herself and change who she is. I for one would work like there was no tomorrow to fix my relationship with my wife if I had done something like your wife has, so would you Z.

[usa1ah]

Anyway I found another place to go camping that is a bit further away. There is no coverage for smartphones at this other state park. I think it would be good to get away with all of us together, and I'm going to try to not thinking about the sexting. I'm going to focus on enjoying being together as a family. Showing kindness to their mother. I feel guilty about them hearing the arguments, but I didn't bring these problems into our family, she did

 

 

Ok Z, first off, You didn't yell at your wife , she yelled at you.

 

Second, do the camping trip for the KIDS not your wife. You being "nice" to her will not get her to stop yelling and being defensive when the two of you talk. You need to start pulling back on how you treat her until she really notices it. Not a full blown 180, but close to it. You sound like you are doing the chose me dance not she chasing after you. Do not give in until she changes, if she chooses not to change then you know she doesn't give a rats azz about the marriage.

[BaileyB]

You are in this marriage alone.

 

You can't forgive (much less work on a marriage) when the cheater isn't remorseful.

 

 

Your wife has had no REAL consequences...that's why she's not changing and not remorseful...

 

Start making her VERY uncomfortable! The more comfortable she is the less likely she will change.

 

Oh, she's had consequences... she's lost her phone privileges for a few weeks! .

 

It's not enough to help her to understand the severity of her betrayal.

[BettyDraper]

Oh, she's had consequences... she's lost her phone privileges for a few weeks! .

 

It's not enough to help her to understand the severity of her betrayal.

 

That is not a real consequence for the magnitude of the betrayal.

What you have done is punish your wife like she is an errant adolescent.

A cruel spouse does NOT deserve camping trips either.

 

Nothing will change as long as your wife is getting away with murder. You may want to think about why you insist on treating your wife like a naughty child as well as why you are reluctant to set real boundaries.