nude pics red flag??

[drifter777]

Don't even think about putting a time limit on processing all of this. It takes as long as it takes & no two situations are the same.

[road]

It's been 5 five months or so since you started this thread. Please put a time limit on this. Do you want to forgive her and move past this? She needs to fix herself and the two of you need to go to counseling otherwise you're wasting your time and energy just waiting for the big D to happen in future.

 

Can you picture yourself in the same place where you are now by the fall or Christmas?

 

Five months?

 

Recovery is two to five year process.

[zombiehead]

I decided to take the day off, I have my IC today and I'm going to see the doctor about the soreness I'm still experiencing from the bike wreck I had last week.

 

Apparently betrayed men are frowned upon, nearly all the articles I find online that discuss men dealing with being betrayed by their wife there is blame shifting. The articles say it is a wake up call for the husband to get his act together and start being a better husband, it is his shortcomings that drove his wife to stray. I swear if I read another article like that I will want to smash my computer and everything else I can find. I guess that is society for ya, blame the male, it is his fault his wife cheated, he wasn't giving her enough attention blah blah blah. I swear nearly all of the crap you find online regarding men dealing with cheating wives it talks about the "wake up call", that the husband needs to be better in the marriage. Totally disgusting. Sure in some situations that could be somewhat justified, but not in my case. I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this.

[BluesPower]

I decided to take the day off, I have my IC today and I'm going to see the doctor about the soreness I'm still experiencing from the bike wreck I had last week.

 

Apparently betrayed men are frowned upon, nearly all the articles I find online that discuss men dealing with being betrayed by their wife there is blame shifting. The articles say it is a wake up call for the husband to get his act together and start being a better husband, it is his shortcomings that drove his wife to stray. I swear if I read another article like that I will want to smash my computer and everything else I can find. I guess that is society for ya, blame the male, it is his fault his wife cheated, he wasn't giving her enough attention blah blah blah. I swear nearly all of the crap you find online regarding men dealing with cheating wives it talks about the "wake up call", that the husband needs to be better in the marriage. Totally disgusting. Sure in some situations that could be somewhat justified, but not in my case. I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this.

 

Those articles are written by morons...

 

That is the same philosophy that a huge majority of MC's have, I think because some other moron taught that in some school.

 

Even one of the James Dobson books had that flavor, I read the first pages and then burnt it outside is the trash barrel.

 

That entire line of thought is some type of moronic pop culture feminist nonsense that keeps getting out is the public forums.

 

When an article or counselor has that point of view, Just move on and shake your head...

[Zona]

I believe I mentioned before the article that said sexting behind your spouses back with other people is a good way to spice up the marriage. Not sexting with your spouse is a good way to spice up the marriage, but sexting with other people not your spouse is a good way to spice things up. What a crock of crapola, that is a good way to destroy your marriage. I don't know why the article sticks in my mind. I guess I hope that I would feel that way so I can get over the betrayal, the shot to my manhood that my wife was sexual with men behind my back. It makes me wonder if I'm overreacting, if I'm just not hip, that I'm a prude and need to get with the modern times that it is perfectly normal for married couples or couples in a committed relationship to sext with strangers online.

 

Don't blame yourself. Betrayal is betrayal, and it's never good for the marriage. I think most of these MC's are served up a huge rot gut serving of man hate every day they are getting trained.

 

I have also read stories from so-called experts claiming infidelity can be good for the marriage. This is garbage. Every field has their quacks.

 

You've been a model husband IMO. You are trying to do the right thing for yourself, your kids, and even your WW. You have faced the ugly truth without any denial, and you're trying to work through it constructively.

 

Give yourself a break. Seriously!

[Birdies]

Those articles are written by morons...

 

That is the same philosophy that a huge majority of MC's have, I think because some other moron taught that in some school.

 

Even one of the James Dobson books had that flavor, I read the first pages and then burnt it outside is the trash barrel.

 

That entire line of thought is some type of moronic pop culture feminist nonsense that keeps getting out is the public forums.

 

When an article or counselor has that point of view, Just move on and shake your head...

 

Blues, please do not confuse feminism (the very valid belief that men and women deserve equal rights in society) with the notion that somehow a spouse is to blame for their wife cheating on them.

 

ZH, many wayward wives do feel completely neglected by their husbands and use that as an excuse to cheat. It is not a justification it in anyway, but that's how they are able to justify the unjustifiable in their own minds. I was one :/ In your case, it sounds like you were a very devoted and present husband and father and that your sex life was very full. Your wife sounds like she basically developed a sex addiction. That has NOTHING to do with you. I agree with blues that those articles are not relevant to you in anyway. If you come across something like that, just toss it out with yesterday's trash.

 

I forget, is your wife in individual counseling? Unless she really digs deep to try to figure out the root cause of this addiction, You two will have a hard time healing from this and she will be bound to repeat herself. Don't let her squirm out of counseling.

[Overtaxed]

Those articles are written by morons...

 

That is the same philosophy that a huge majority of MC's have, I think because some other moron taught that in some school.

 

Even one of the James Dobson books had that flavor, I read the first pages and then burnt it outside is the trash barrel.

 

That entire line of thought is some type of moronic pop culture feminist nonsense that keeps getting out is the public forums.

 

When an article or counselor has that point of view, Just move on and shake your head...

 

Yup, I found dozens, maybe hundreds of articles like this while desperately searching for answers after d-day. Thankfully, I eventually landed here, and a number of posters started off with "It's NOT your fault". Which was counter to what just about every other resource out there said. Summing up, man cheats, his fault; woman cheats, his fault. It's pervasive, and, most of the articles start with basically "You pushed her to it, figure out what's wrong with you and the cheating will stop". Talk about soul crushing. I have issues, of course, and I'm working on trying to fix them in myself and my M. But the A was NOT my fault. And that's a powerful statement in and of itself.

[zombiehead]

Yes my wife is in IC, however I went to 2 sessions and was not impressed with the therapist. My wife likes her therapist and she said it is helping her. I had a good session again with my new male therapist and now I'm waiting to have xrays on my side and back.

 

I called the sex addiction therapist about doing the sessions by video conferencing. They are going to get back with me on that because they have never done that before also they were surpirised that the person needing the sex addiction treatment was my wife not me, they acutally said it was surprising because they cant recall the last female they have treated. I guess men are the most sexually screwed up between the genders.

[drifter777]

 

Apparently betrayed men are frowned upon, nearly all the articles I find online that discuss men dealing with being betrayed by their wife there is blame shifting. The articles say it is a wake up call for the husband to get his act together and start being a better husband, it is his shortcomings that drove his wife to stray. I swear if I read another article like that I will want to smash my computer and everything else I can find.

 

You need to use some different keywords when you Google this stuff. Try something like "devastated by cheating wife" and look at those results. In all of the books and articles I've read when this "wake up call" crap is mentioned it usually is applied to the marriage as a whole and does not single out a BW or BH.

[Zona]

They are going to get back with me on that because they have never done that before also they were surpirised that the person needing the sex addiction treatment was my wife not me, they acutally said it was surprising because they cant recall the last female they have treated. I guess men are the most sexually screwed up between the genders.

 

Yeah, high sex drive women are definitely less common. My wife has always wanted sex every day. Most men would think this is ideal, but geez it wears you out after a while, especially as you get into your 40's.

 

Do you think you wife is a sex addict or an attention addict or both?

 

If I put on my amateur shrink hat, I don't see how she fits exactly into either the narcissist mold, nor the borderline personality mold. Perhaps some childhood trauma she has never spoken about? Hopefully a good counselor can flush that out.

 

Was she a good student? Would you say she is bright? Does she have close relatives with psychological issues?

 

Sorry to pry, but these are all questions I would be pondering in your case if I were you.

[zombiehead]

It takes me a bit to process things and what I'm about to ask you guys just hit me today. Disregard the sexting nude pics.and phone sex and only focus on the live webcam skype sex. I consider that pretty much equal to physical sex. Say my wife did that with 10 differnt guys 5 times that would mean she slept around on me 50 times and in our own home in our bed. Would you guys agree?

[reboot]

I'd say that's a fair assessment.

[BluesPower]

There is an analogy there... But not that one.

 

It is so hard to make a quantitative equivalence to the sexting. The Skype sex might get there, but it is defiantly different than sleeping with 50 guys.

 

Don't get me wrong, it is bad, but it is just not the same as physical sex, and it is much easier for her to do than actual sex.

 

It is just not the same. It is much worse that just an "I love you" emotional affair, but it is just not the same as physical sex with 50 dudes.

 

I think you have to look at her skypeing and sexting as a collective incident if you are trying to quantify it in your head. I am not saying that it is equal to just 1 or 5 actual physical sexual encounter.

 

The thing is that is she had just screwed one guy in real life, in reality you would feel worse that all of the stuff that she has done.

 

But you had her take a polygraph and is showed that she had never been physical with another guy since your marriage, Correct?

 

What are you trying to accomplish with this thought process?

[usa1ah]

It takes me a bit to process things and what I'm about to ask you guys just hit me today. Disregard the sexting nude pics.and phone sex and only focus on the live webcam skype sex. I consider that pretty much equal to physical sex. Say my wife did that with 10 differnt guys 5 times that would mean she slept around on me 50 times and in our own home in our bed. Would you guys agree?

 

Ok I guess I missed that part or just over looked it. But yes.

 

The thing is, all of the things she did are in the hands of this other men. So there are over 50 videos of her getting off. Is her face visible on them?

 

I mean they can pop up anytime anywhere.

[usa1ah]

If you consider that physically cheating then yes.

 

It is how you view things. Others might not agree but I do. Emotional cheating is leaning on someone for your emotional needs. Physical cheating is any sexual in my book. Others will say it has to have physical contacted.

 

You decided what physical cheating is for yourself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It takes me a bit to process things and what I'm about to ask you guys just hit me today. Disregard the sexting nude pics.and phone sex and only focus on the live webcam skype sex. I consider that pretty much equal to physical sex. Say my wife did that with 10 differnt guys 5 times that would mean she slept around on me 50 times and in our own home in our bed. Would you guys agree?

 

I can tell you Zombiehead

 

My husband only WISHES that i had sent nude photos to other men

 

you ask is it the same as screwing another man...NO unequivicably no

 

He would give ANYTHING for my affair to have been nude photos instead of one afternoon of sex.....

 

I understand your devastation...your sadness...your disappointment

 

but your wife did not do what i did

 

she did not take another man into herself

 

stop...just stop and get on with this...do you still love your wife?

 

thats what this comes down to...do you?

 

and if you do then tell her for god's sake forgive her..and move on

[BaileyB]

What she did was disgusting, without a doubt.

 

But, is it the same as having sex with another man? No.

 

The thing that would bother me most is the fact that she filmed you having sex and shared this intimacy with another man. That is such a violation of trust.

 

I understand that you are still processing all that has happened... but really, by searching the Internet for answers (of which, there are none because what she did makes no logical sense) and revisiting the betrayal, you continue to traumatize yourself again, and again, and again... This will only keep you from healing and ultimately forgiving your wife such that you can move on. So, I would suggest that you need to stop. Focus on the future and focus on forgiveness.

Edited July 1, 2017 by BaileyB

[usa1ah]

The thing that I am realizing is that there is what, somewhere in the neighborhood of a 1000 photos and videos of your wife that this men can post anywhere.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The thing that I am realizing is that there is what, somewhere in the neighborhood of a 1000 photos and videos of your wife that this men can post anywhere.

 

 

So what? does it affect your everyday normal life? So there are pictures of your wife floating around the internet? Are you looking at them?

 

She posted nude pictures of herself..you cannot undo that....you accept it and move forward....she did not screw anyone...she posted pictures...you either accept that it is what it is or you divorce her.

[Try]

stop...just stop and get on with this...do you still love your wife?

 

thats what this comes down to...do you?

 

and if you do then tell her for god's sake forgive her..and move on

I understand that you are still processing all that has happened... but really, by searching the Internet for answers (of which, there are none because what she did makes no logical sense) and revisiting the betrayal, you continue to traumatize yourself again, and again, and again... This will only keep you from healing and ultimately forgiving your wife such that you can move on. So, I would suggest that you need to stop. Focus on the future and focus on forgiveness.

First, trying to rank the badness or less badness for others between a physical affair, emotional affair, or a cyber affair, is not appropriate. Contrary to some, I for one think that what she did was a big time betray that should not be minimized in any way by others. The sharing on the Internet of secretly filmed sex acts with the OP, is not something that I am sure that I could ever get over.

 

Second, it has only been 4 1/2 months since the OP started posting here. It is way too early to be telling him to "move on" and to "focus on forgiveness". What you are missing is that studies consistently show that the cheated on spouse gets over the actual acts of cheating far faster than the dishonesty associated with the cheating.

[merrmeade]

I can tell you Zombiehead

 

My husband only WISHES that i had sent nude photos to other men

 

you ask is it the same as screwing another man...NO unequivicably no

 

He would give ANYTHING for my affair to have been nude photos instead of one afternoon of sex.....

 

I understand your devastation...your sadness...your disappointment

 

but your wife did not do what i did

 

she did not take another man into herself

 

stop...just stop and get on with this...do you still love your wife?

 

thats what this comes down to...do you?

 

and if you do then tell her for god's sake forgive her..and move on

I'm really surprised. I thought we had a tacit agreement in this forum not to do this.

 

It's only been five months! ZH has decided posting on LS helps him process. So that's what he does. Those words were the most hurtful I heard when I was getting through the first couple of years. Anyone that insisted I must forgive, should get 'over it' or 'on with it' became someone to avoid. I didn't need to be made to feel guilty for not getting over it. I tried to remember but it always cut the floor out from under me and made me feel so alone.

 

ZH, you are doing the best you can. Everything that is happening is normal. Discovering new information and, therefore, new triggers is sort of summed up as 'trickle truth' but, granted, it's a little different for everybody. I suppose your wife just didn't "think about" telling you about the Flickr account and all the details you've now put together.

 

I think that the WSs wants only to put the awfulness of it all behind and so they conveniently forget. They never understand the need for detail - the need to recreate the real past because the one you thought you lived was a lie.Without the full awareness and cooperation from your cheating spouse (because - like the impatience expressed here - they just want to get on with it), you are forced to piece together the betrayal in fits and starts mostly on your own. Each new discovery or realization adds another layer to this changing Thing you're expected to get past, so you can just forgive her. It just doesn't work like that.

 

Everyone wants to help, of course, but really you don't have to buy more bad feelings because to someone else, your wife's manner of cheating was less disturbing somehow. Nonsense. This is what you feel and where you are. Period.

 

You need this therapist. That is the best help you can get. You need to express your rage, grief, dismay and all the rest as you get a grasp on what happened, why, who she is, how you feel about that now and what you want to do about it. No one should push you one way or the other or rush you. No one should judge you. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, zh.

 

Just heal.

[merrmeade]

First, trying to rank the badness or less badness for others between a physical affair, emotional affair, or a cyber affair, is not appropriate. Contrary to some, I for one think that what she did was a big time betray that should not be minimized in any way by others. The sharing on the Internet of secretly filmed sex acts with the OP, is not something that I am sure that I could ever get over.

 

Second, it has only been 4 1/2 months since the OP started posting here. It is way too early to be telling him to "move on" and to "focus on forgiveness". What you are missing is that studies consistently show that the cheated on spouse gets over the actual acts of cheating far faster than the dishonesty associated with the cheating.

Exactly. Not sure where these gentle truths were forgotten, but they're the bedrock of understanding the recovering BS.

[zombiehead]

I'm not ready to forgive, I'm still processing everything. From going through they emails, and chat history on several messaging apps she did have at least 4 emotional affairs. When I was saving all the evidence and putting it on a storage drive I separated the conversations under folders for the different men she was cheating with, however that was too time consuming so I didn't finish. There are 4 men that she shared details of her life, her dreamers, her desires, ect ect. How they wished they could be together IRL.

 

The live skype sex sessions absolutely feel the same IMO as a real life affair. They were live on camera together sex talking and pleasuring themselves. I can just imagine how awful it was. The sessions were planned like hook up dates. They would agree on a set time to skype sex, they were excited about it. I can't wait till 1:30, I'm so wet thinking about you. If the men could magically appear in our bedroom I'm sure she would let him "enter" her body.

 

Anyway I found a letter she wrote to her dead ex-boyfriend that she dated for 3 years starting when she was 17. She found out he was dead 2 years after he passed away. He was not successful in life, nearly 40 and still living with his mother and he was hit and killed by a car as he walked home drunk from a bar.

 

In her letter to this deceased ex-boyfriend she said she still loved him, and missed him and she talked about the happiness in their relationship. She said that she showed our daughter a picture of him and our daughter said he was cute. She said she told our kids all about him. The letter ended with her saying that she loves him and will see him in heaven. The reason she broke up with him was because his friend hit her in the head with a board which cut her head pretty badly and his mom drove her to hospital and he didn't go with them, he stayed back with his friends so he could kept partying. She realized that he was a jerk, wouldn't even go with her to the hospital had his mom take her. She ended up getting stitches in her hear for the cut. I just find it really strange that she wrote that letter to an ex-boyfriend that had been dead for 2 years before she found out and who treated her poorly when they dated. She said in the letter that she cried for days after she learned of his death. When we went to visit her parents for Thanksgiving a few years ago on the way to airport to come home she made us stop and his grave and she left the car and went to tell him goodbye, she had us wait in the car for around 20 minutes.

 

I wondering if she ever loved me from the start, or she just settled for me because I'm a good guy and treated well.

[Bryanp]

Sorry. This was brutal to read.

I wish you luck.

[Maraud3r]

The question is, does it really matter? She's an all around horrendous and egoistic person.

 

She might not have physical affairs. But she had one emotional affair after another and went about as far as she could with her videos and cheats without having things go physical. If anything the way she reacted to said boyfriends death, is even worse.

 

The problems seem to in generally lie with her. She is building one fantasy after another, then happily living these fantasies out recklessly and without concern as to how it affects others. Involving your children into her fantasies and self indulgent just makes it all that much worse. These are things they do not need nor should they know it and seeing their mother behave in such ways towards other men cannot be good for them and how they perceive relationships.

 

Kick her to the curb. There is nothing to save her. She wont change, possibly cant change. You will never again feel secure, you will never again know if she told you everything, if you found everything and if she isn't doing these things again. If she isn't poisoning and messing with your children.