oldlion Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 You have had a hard time with emotions since finding out what was going on behind your back. You have every right to be hurt and angry but right now you are causing yourself more hurt by continuing to hunt for things that will cause you more hurt. Looking for more e-mails and looking for more sources of her communication with others only adds more and more hurt to you. I'm not one of those people that just has to know it all. All I really have to know is that it took place. You have all the information you need to make any decision you want to make so why are you searching for more. More just causes you more hurt and pushes you away from attempting real R. Quit beating around the bush and tell your wife exactly what you need from her to feel safe with her as your partner. People are all different and they are not mind readers. How you would act in her situation does not mean that she is going to act the same way. Quit looking and start doing things to heal. I do wish you well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 6, 2017 Author Share Posted July 6, 2017 I'm going to have another talk with her tonight. During our conversations the discussion gets sidetracked so Im going to make a list and work through its completion. Do you guys that have been so generous with your time helping me have any suggestions for the list? Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 I'm going to have another talk with her tonight. During our conversations the discussion gets sidetracked so Im going to make a list and work through its completion. Do you guys that have been so generous with your time helping me have any suggestions for the list? From your post earlier it sounds as if she is minimizing her affair. She is correct that it was not a PIV affair, but it was very much sexual in nature (multiple times with different men). The damage and hurt is still done and is real. For me, if she stays the course with "it was only...", that would be the deal-breaker. I would have serious reservations about reconciling with a wife that refuses to fully acknowledge what she had done. Of course, she may say what you want to hear just to placate you. You'll have to be the judge if she is genuine or not. ... "this is just a minor bump in our marriage" "I have been good for nearly all of our marriage and this is just a small minor bump" "I never was physical with any one', "we have friends that stayed married after infidelity and they had "real" affairs and I never had a real one" blah blah blah. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 I'm going to have another talk with her tonight. During our conversations the discussion gets sidetracked so Im going to make a list and work through its completion. Do you guys that have been so generous with your time helping me have any suggestions for the list? Depends on the purpose of the discussion. What are your goals for this discussion? What does a good healthy relationship? How fo you want to get there? What does she need to do? What do you need to do? Ultimately, if you want to continue this relationship for the long run, do you two have a good vision of what it looks like so that you both want to stay in it without regrets. List of boundaries and expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 No one here can tell you what questions you need to ask... good grief. You have your own mind... your own fears.. your own disappointments...your own pain. If you cannot sit down with your wife and discuss with her how she has hurt you... how disappointed you are in her... what you need her to do to help you feel safe...what you expect from your relationship ... Then you are worse off than any of us thought.. You don't need a list of questions from us... we are not the ones looking for answers. Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 You could always just go to your marriage vows and use them as a guideline/list of items to discuss. Did your marriage vows include "forsaking all others"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 6, 2017 Author Share Posted July 6, 2017 I have a list working adding to it as things come to mind. Two heads are better than one so if any one here that as been kind enough to follow this problem Im working through has a suggestion please post it. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Tell her that you can't get past this. This is supported by your continued posting. You are not getting over this betrayal. How will she feel now that you are going to go and have affairs? You need her to leave you and the kids behind. Go far away. She needs some consequences and you want a D. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) ZH one thing you might try to find out is how it all started. She probably was addicted to it at the end but it didn't start out as one. I don't think it is trying to feel safe but to stop the mind movies. I don't see how you can. Because anything sexual she might do is going to trigger you right now. Something or someone was the starting point for what your wife did. What was it or who was it. What got her thinking about it to begin with? Why did she not do it with you from the start? Who did she talk with about this before she began? How did she begin? Did she know the person beforehand? Why was it ok to go outside the marriage for sexual fulfillment? Why was it when you started? So if you were unable to use the means you did to get with these guy, would you have meet them in person to cheated? How can you say no, you did everything but meet in person. If you didn't have the means you do, how would you have scratched that itch with out meeting in person? Have you ever made plans, in anyway, to meet anyone other then myself in person for sexual interaction? Have you ever sexually interacted with anyone other then myself sense we have been a couple? Ever in the same room? Ask for details not just simple answers. Ask sense it's not that big of a deal. I was thinking of watching a girl in person do what you did with these guys. Ask if she would be alright with you doing this. Edited July 6, 2017 by usa1ah 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) I'm going to have another talk with her tonight. During our conversations the discussion gets sidetracked so Im going to make a list and work through its completion. Do you guys that have been so generous with your time helping me have any suggestions for the list? With all due respect, this is the kind of conversation that should occur in marriage counseling. Why you are not attending marriage counseling together, I do not understand... Edited July 6, 2017 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 ZH one thing you might try to find out is how it all started. She probably was addicted to it at the end but it didn't start out as one. I don't think it is trying to feel safe but to stop the mind movies. I don't see how you can. Because anything sexual she might do is going to trigger you right now. Something or someone was the starting point for what your wife did. What was it or who was it. What got her thinking about it to begin with? Why did she not do it with you from the start? Who did she talk with about this before she began? How did she begin? Did she know the person beforehand? Why was it ok to go outside the marriage for sexual fulfillment? Why was it when you started? So if you were unable to use the means you did to get with these guy, would you have meet them in person to cheated? How can you say no, you did everything but meet in person. If you didn't have the means you do, how would you have scratched that itch with out meeting in person? Have you ever made plans, in anyway, to meet anyone other then myself in person for sexual interaction? Have you ever sexually interacted with anyone other then myself sense we have been a couple? Ever in the same room? Ask for details not just simple answers. Ask sense it's not that big of a deal. I was thinking of watching a girl in person do what you did with these guys. Ask if she would be alright with you doing this. All of this is just a way for it to hit home with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Frankly, I expect your list of questions will do little more than irritate her. Don't you know you're supposed to just get over it? Why do you think the discussions always get sidetracked? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Road, I am not sure that I understand your point. OR this is one of the few times that we disagree. That excerpt sounds to me like the kind of drivel that I was and have been talking about. Unless I am taking it out of context. For me, and I think most people, the BS drives the bus and should. The WS comes clean and get their selves together or they are gone. But then that is just me. I always like hearing the Dr Harley quotes. This is the same genius who tells BH to woo your cheating wife back by not interfering with her affair and letting her enjoy herself and give her flowers as she leaves to bang her boyfriend. Anyone who follows his advice deserves what they get. Zombie, Road did make one good point. You have only two choices (1) divorce her (2) stop putting yourself into trigger positions. You will get enough of these without trying for a long time. You are at the point of divorcing or sucking it up./ She is not going to be what you think she should or she would not have done what she did in the first place She liked it, and if not caught would still be doing it, and the fact that the last I read she was still disappearing in sexy lingerie with her phone recently into the bathroom the chances are she at some point will do it again. If you at least understand you are swimming upstream you may get to the point where you let it go. That is the only way to asvoid going crazy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 Not a good look. how long ago was this? maybe shes planing to send you them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 7, 2017 Author Share Posted July 7, 2017 After I read bedtime stories to the twins I went to our bedroom to find my wife waiting for me in sexy lingerie, candles burning and wine. I had to make a pick, sex or a stressful discussion, I picked sex. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 After I read bedtime stories to the twins I went to our bedroom to find my wife waiting for me in sexy lingerie, candles burning and wine. I had to make a pick, sex or a stressful discussion, I picked sex. Best decision you've made so far in this thread. hahaha Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 OK ZH, here is my $.02 worth The Good: She's been pretty damn upfront about disclosing her actions considering (with some exceptions that you mentioned). She's stopped getting drunk (I think? you haven't mentioned it) She's agreed to whatever restrictions you put on her without complaining. She has agreed to counselling. She is spending more quality time with you and your kids The Bad: You've uncovered more ugliness and the betrayal is worse than you first thought. She doesn't seem to fully understand your pain. (Part of this could just be her personality where she hates to admit when she screwed up. My wife is exactly the same way - a fire cracker if you will) Sometimes a wayward spends the entire rest of her life trying to make it up to their BS, and can actually be a really good wife in the long run. I would continue the course, try to get her more counselling (important!), discuss things with her openly, and just see if the mind-movies and other triggers fade. Time is on your side. She obviously isn't going anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 What about her drinking and partying? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 7, 2017 Author Share Posted July 7, 2017 She had no idea that I prepared a list that I wanted to discuss. I was going to bring it up after the kids were in bed. Now if she knew that I wanted to have a talk and pulled this I would have had the talk. So I was standing there looking at her and I thought do I want to pull out the list and have an emotionally stressful discussion or some wine and sex, I picked the wine and sex. I could be stressing more right now because the camping trip to CO is only one more week away. There will be no escaping her, we will be together in the van, in the tent, on the hiking trails, cooking, and all the other activities together. I could be that is stressing me out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 I hope that while you are on this camping trip...you enjoy your family... and stay away from forums of any kind. One of the things I have found is sometimes.. you need a break from reading and posting and sharing. Sometimes you need to process everything in real life and get in touch with your own thoughts instead of the thoughts of every one else. Sometimes the only person you need to listen to... is you. Have a great trip.. stay safe... and love your family but especially love yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 7, 2017 Share Posted July 7, 2017 After I read bedtime stories to the twins I went to our bedroom to find my wife waiting for me in sexy lingerie, candles burning and wine. I had to make a pick, sex or a stressful discussion, I picked sex. Sex vs stress, sex wins it for me. Good call. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Talk vs sex. I will play the other hand. Simply put, you kindly refusing and saying we need to talk would have shown her how serious the situation is. Missed opportunity to help her to see how badly she has damaged the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 10, 2017 Author Share Posted July 10, 2017 She did not know that I was planning a talk after the kids went to bed. We had the talk Friday night and it started off badly she was dedensive and loud at the beginning but calmed down and it was a good productive discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 it was a good productive discussion. Cool. Hopefully you can forget about things and enjoy yourself on your upcoming trip. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 She did not know that I was planning a talk after the kids went to bed. We had the talk Friday night and it started off badly she was dedensive and loud at the beginning but calmed down and it was a good productive discussion. This is why I have a hard time believing her in this whole deal. Why is she not bending over backwards to help you? ZH, I believe there is more to this. She is trying to make things look like there isn't any problems. She is making sure you are have your needs satisfied. She is doing her best to keep from talking about how she about destroyed the marriage. It's like when the two of were together and you caught her watching tv. You mi d hit the messages where she said her sex life was boring. It's like she is making up for what she said and being caught watching the tv. Like is this really her wanting to be with you or is she just doing it for you? I understand that she didn't know about the talk. She really doesn't understand how she has hurt you still. If she can't relate to the pain she has caused, how can she help fix the problem. I believe the only problem she sees is the fact that she got caught. Link to post Share on other sites
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