Cephalopod Posted July 11, 2017 Share Posted July 11, 2017 Just more gaslighting and stonewalling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 When she's "defensive and loud" what's her main theme? I mean, what is she defensivve about? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted July 12, 2017 Share Posted July 12, 2017 Almost Lost for words. Whatever she has done the house and money is still possibly half hers. Fixed it for you. Where I live anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ericsvibe Posted July 14, 2017 Share Posted July 14, 2017 Hey Zombie, I have read through this entire thread. Let me tell you, your wife and my wife would be best friends forever. My wife is addicted to social media, she always has that dang phone right next to her, texting her friends, posting picture to facebook, instagram, and snapchat. She has a blog, has a pinterest page, she just eats this crap up. I know you said before you don't want to read other stories, so I am going to tell you the similarities between both of our situations. My wifes EA went on for a long time. Her excuse is that it was just a fantasy, she liked the attention, she was addicted, it made her feel good, she felt sexy and powerful. Just like your wife, she started with letters in my case, then went to pictures, videos, Skype. She would describe things she wanted to do to him that she has told me she will never do. She also told him that sex with me was boring, it was a routine, mundane. However, she never mentioned it to me. Every excuse your wife has used, my wife has used as well. I think that deep down, our wives are freaky, dirty girls that need an oulet, and this is what they chose. They consider us too "good" to do the things they want. I also feel like I'm just the sucker paying for her life. So, I decided the other day to write down one of her fantasies, and to play it out in the bedroom. My wife, after the fact, was shocked because she remembered writing it. She told me that she never thought that I would be on board. She really digged it, and we have been going nonstop for the last week. The reason I am bringing this up is I am now starting to think that these repressed wants helped fuel what happened. My wife is just as stubborn as yours. She also pulled away from the family to concentrate on the EA. I still have not forgiven her for breaking our vows. It is going to take a long time for that. I just remember you saying you guess you were a prude. Seeing this other side to my wife has made me question everything. Deep inside, she is an emotional train wreck, and she is just too hard headed to see it. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Hey CH, how are things going? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 24, 2017 Author Share Posted July 24, 2017 The camping trip was a success. Our 1st night we from our campsite we watched a large bear stroll by about 75 yards away. The rangers came and shot the bear with a paint ball gun. The next evening a mama bear with 2 clubs passed by. The rangers went around to all the campers and told us to set off our car alarms if we see a bear. The 3rd night we hear car alarms going off and some cars were damaged by bears trying to get at the food inside them. We hiked and rode moutain bikes went fishing and rafting. This was probable one of our best vacations. We camped.for 6 days that is the longest for us and I was worried that would be too much living outdoors for the twins but they loved it. We cooked our dinners over the campfire each night. Every 3rd day after hiking or biking in the morning we would go to town for a shower. I didnt know if the twins could camp outside that long but they loved it and we were sad to have to pack up and come home. My wife and I didnt talk about her infidelity though that is whst I think about when I looked at her. R means eat a shxt sandwich that is all there is to it. Swallow your pride, let your self respect get run over. You do that for others, I didnt sign up to be a part time weekend dad, I signed up to be a full time dad and a provider for my family. Link to post Share on other sites
Novz Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 I am sorry. My mother acted that way before when she got a mobile phone. I know how it feels knowing something's wrong yet the one involved denies or refuses anything. I think your wife is. But 12 years of marriage? I hate the thought of you breaking up. I hope your wife makes up to you soon. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 The camping trip was a success. Our 1st night we from our campsite we watched a large bear stroll by about 75 yards away. The rangers came and shot the bear with a paint ball gun. The next evening a mama bear with 2 clubs passed by. The rangers went around to all the campers and told us to set off our car alarms if we see a bear. The 3rd night we hear car alarms going off and some cars were damaged by bears trying to get at the food inside them. We hiked and rode moutain bikes went fishing and rafting. This was probable one of our best vacations. We camped.for 6 days that is the longest for us and I was worried that would be too much living outdoors for the twins but they loved it. We cooked our dinners over the campfire each night. Every 3rd day after hiking or biking in the morning we would go to town for a shower. I didnt know if the twins could camp outside that long but they loved it and we were sad to have to pack up and come home. My wife and I didnt talk about her infidelity though that is whst I think about when I looked at her. R means eat a shxt sandwich that is all there is to it. Swallow your pride, let your self respect get run over. You do that for others, I didnt sign up to be a part time weekend dad, I signed up to be a full time dad and a provider for my family. This all sounds great... But about the R, no, it does not have to be that way. And you should not be part of it if you are not happy with the way it is going. Here is the thing, your wife has a huge amount of work to do and everyone knows that she has not done that work. But you are the one that is allowing that by rug sweeping what has happened. Not to make you feel bad or blame you, but you are in the drivers seat an you are not setting down what needs to happen. You even allowed HER to get upset about you asking questions about her affairs. You have not had a polygraph because you really don't want to know if she was physical with anyone. But you resent not knowing. The sandwich that you are eating is of your own making. When you let her skate by without any real consequences, you made the sandwich. So either take the steps necessary to get her on the R bandwagon the right way or eat the sandwich. They choice is really yours... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 This all sounds great... But about the R, no, it does not have to be that way. And you should not be part of it if you are not happy with the way it is going. Here is the thing, your wife has a huge amount of work to do and everyone knows that she has not done that work. But you are the one that is allowing that by rug sweeping what has happened. Not to make you feel bad or blame you, but you are in the drivers seat an you are not setting down what needs to happen. You even allowed HER to get upset about you asking questions about her affairs. You have not had a polygraph because you really don't want to know if she was physical with anyone. But you resent not knowing. The sandwich that you are eating is of your own making. When you let her skate by without any real consequences, you made the sandwich. So either take the steps necessary to get her on the R bandwagon the right way or eat the sandwich. They choice is really yours... Are you afraid to talk to her honestly about all of this? Problem is many WW will not talk about the affair. They will say if you continue to talk I will leave. They know they have some leverage because the BH has not thrown them out or packed his stuff and left. So is the BH ready to call her bluff? He does not want to be a part time dad. He is between a rock and a hard place. She most likely will not cheat again but the BH not getting answers will haunt him for the rest of his life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Hey ZH, since you're going to try to R. I think it's about time you let your wife read this thread Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 I still believe she told those OM the truth about everything. Wish you the best ZH. It will be had for you to eat that sandwich. I do understand about not wanting to be a weekend dad. Later Z Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 This all sounds great... But about the R, no, it does not have to be that way. And you should not be part of it if you are not happy with the way it is going. Here is the thing, your wife has a huge amount of work to do and everyone knows that she has not done that work. But you are the one that is allowing that by rug sweeping what has happened. Not to make you feel bad or blame you, but you are in the drivers seat an you are not setting down what needs to happen. You even allowed HER to get upset about you asking questions about her affairs. You have not had a polygraph because you really don't want to know if she was physical with anyone. But you resent not knowing. The sandwich that you are eating is of your own making. When you let her skate by without any real consequences, you made the sandwich. So either take the steps necessary to get her on the R bandwagon the right way or eat the sandwich. They choice is really yours... Hard to get a person that says " I didn't physically cheat like other wives have and there husbands for gave them." And so on. She doesn't see that call Z a loser in bed to all those guys she cheated with as a problem or the pics a vids either. A woman like this will never do any heavy lifting. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 I don't know what the answer is for you, but I'm pretty sure that people who successfully reconcile after situations like this, don't just bottle up their anger and hurt indefinitely. Not saying those things don't always exist at some level under the surface. But not the kind of constant anger you are feeling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 They say the pain from infidelity is on par with the pain from the death of a loved one. IMO infidelity is more painful. When a loved one passes you have a funeral and support from friends and family, it's easier to move on. Infidelity there is no real closure and trying to R is living daily with the source of your pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) They say the pain from infidelity is on par with the pain from the death of a loved one. IMO infidelity is more painful. When a loved one passes you have a funeral and support from friends and family, it's easier to move on. Infidelity there is no real closure and trying to R is living daily with the source of your pain. Have you lost a close loved one? It's easier to move on - are you serious? I'm sorry, but that is a very selfish and ignorant thing to say. I haven't experienced infidelity, but I have experienced the trauma of losing my mother to cancer. That is a hell that I would never wish on anyone. It took years before life felt good again and I will carry the grief with me for the rest of my life. I have never before felt so lost, and sad, and alone in this world. I don't even know what to say... It's not fair to compare loss. But seriously, have you done anything to begin to heal yourself and your marriage? I know that the two of you have dabbled in individual counselling, but at some point you will need to really talk about the issues in your marriage and how you plan to move forward. At some point, you will have to forgive her. If you are serious about reconciliation, why have you not been to marriage counselling? Edited July 25, 2017 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 Waking up next to your wayward spouse too me is like waking up with the coffin where the dead marriage rests. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Waking up next to your wayward spouse too me is like waking up with the coffin where the dead marriage rests. And you can't reconcile as long as you feel that way. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Waking up next to your wayward spouse too me is like waking up with the coffin where the dead marriage rests. Well, then make another choice. She may have taken the photos and caused the betrayal, but you are becoming more and more the source of your own pain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 I know I cant R with this anger and disgust Im feeling today. Man it is so hard to move forward to get past it. I see my personal therapist tomorrow. The actions and decisions of my wife is the reason why I need to get mental health care. He told me there will be many days like today where Im totally angry and disgusted from the betrayal but eventually it will get better. I dont know what is bringing it on today, I just cant control my thoughts. Man it is hard to swallow a giant ego self respect self esteem crushing triple decker sh#t sandwich. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 But you're still not getting it. You either have to get over it or not. I don't see any way that you can just not get over it, and still keep this marriage. If you have this anger all of the time, if you are constantly upset over it, if you feel like you're eating this **** sandwich all the time, then you aren't getting over it at all. Your therapist will say what he has too, but at this point you should be starting to feel some level of acceptance. Some level of forgiveness. You don't. It doesn't matter whether that is on you for not letting yourself forgive or her for not really deserving forgiveness. It is the only way to fix your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 But you're still not getting it. You either have to get over it or not. I don't see any way that you can just not get over it, and still keep this marriage. If you have this anger all of the time, if you are constantly upset over it, if you feel like you're eating this **** sandwich all the time, then you aren't getting over it at all. Your therapist will say what he has too, but at this point you should be starting to feel some level of acceptance. Some level of forgiveness. You don't. It doesn't matter whether that is on you for not letting yourself forgive or her for not really deserving forgiveness. It is the only way to fix your marriage. I agree with much of this however i will change one thing. He will never get over it. None if us ever "get over it"...we learn to live with it. and until he is convinced his wife understands his pain...until he feels his wife has done everything she can to make him feel safe in this relationship...he will not move forward. She has not done anything to indicate to him she understands his pain nor has she done anything to help him feel safe. and that is on her but his choosing to stay in this relationship without those things is on him. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 I agree with much of this however i will change one thing. He will never get over it. None if us ever "get over it"...we learn to live with it. and until he is convinced his wife understands his pain...until he feels his wife has done everything she can to make him feel safe in this relationship...he will not move forward. She has not done anything to indicate to him she understands his pain nor has she done anything to help him feel safe. and that is on her but his choosing to stay in this relationship without those things is on him. Agreed. But also he has to understand the depth of her betrayal, to this point he is scared to know the full extent which will only feed his anger. In infidelity you have to burn it all down to see if there is enough left to build a healthy relationship. ZH is building the west wing while the East wing is still burning. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 I had an addiction to cigars, my wife was on my as3 to stop after the twins were born. I told her I stopped but I kept on smoking cigars behind her back. We were at a company party and when I left my wife alone with some of my coworkers she found out from them that I was still smoking cigars. Well she was upset that I lied to her about my cigar smoking and now that we are talking about her infidelity she keeps bringing it up that I sinned badly to her by lying about smoking cigars. I told her that sneaking cigars behind her back is not the same thing as having skype sex with her affair partners. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 I had an addiction to cigars, my wife was on my as3 to stop after the twins were born. I told her I stopped but I kept on smoking cigars behind her back. We were at a company party and when I left my wife alone with some of my coworkers she found out from them that I was still smoking cigars. Well she was upset that I lied to her about my cigar smoking and now that we are talking about her infidelity she keeps bringing it up that I sinned badly to her by lying about smoking cigars. I told her that sneaking cigars behind her back is not the same thing as having skype sex with her affair partners. But what you're not getting is that if you were to rate the most horrible things your wife could do to you skype sex would be up near the top. If she were to list the most horrible things she could do to you it wouldn't be. And that lies the part that you and her need to reconcile, is that she will never seen it as big as a sin as you see it and you aren't going to change that. And if the only way you can forgive her, is to suddenly make her think that, it isn't going to happen. You don't see smoking cigars behind her back as being a big deal. She doesn't see skype sex with strangers as a big deal. You don't have the definitive decision on which is a bigger issue. Her perspective is her perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 Another thing she said was that she can't understand my pain because she is not the betrayed spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
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