reboot Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Bringing up the cigars is called deflection. *shrug* 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) Another thing she said was that she can't understand my pain because she is not the betrayed spouse. Maybe she should spend a few days reading the "just found out thread" at SI if she is having trouble seeing things from the betrayed perspective. Few things in this world are as raw and emotional. Honestly if she could read that kind of stuff and not be moved, then she is probably too far gone to be salvaged as a wife. Narcissists and sociopaths don't make good marriage material. Edited July 25, 2017 by Zona 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 The answer she gives me when I ask her "why" is she was addicted to the attention. I asked her how is pleasuring yourself to another man's sexual text message " getting attention"? Seriously, a man writes her an erotic story, no pics just words and when the kids and I are not home she reads it and pleasures herself to his words, how is that getting attention? How is having phone sex getting attention? I asked her point blank if she has a fetish for multiple men or webcam sex or what? In her kindle browser history she was searching and reading erotic literature they all were about group sex. Addicted to the attention is not a sufficient answer, that is purely minimizing what she was doing. The other excuse is she had a midlife crisis, so what is it? Midlife crisis, attention, or fetish, possibly a mixture of all 3? I wish this never happened, but it did, how do you get through it? Cheating is so cold, then to not understand the damage you caused your spouse makes it nearly impossible to repair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 25, 2017 Author Share Posted July 25, 2017 I want the special back, committed, kind, caring, loving, friendship, partnership, we have each other's backs type special relationship. Now I have a crap marriage, on the verge of total collapse. How can it be special again? I want special, I want to be with someone that would never do this, that respects me and loves me. Not sure if I want her love back, she doesn't understand the damage she caused, I don't feel like I know the full truth and I don't know who she is. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 I want the special back, committed, kind, caring, loving, friendship, partnership, we have each other's backs type special relationship. Now I have a crap marriage, on the verge of total collapse. How can it be special again? I want special, I want to be with someone that would never do this, that respects me and loves me. Not sure if I want her love back, she doesn't understand the damage she caused, I don't feel like I know the full truth and I don't know who she is. This is why it hurts more then the death of a loved one. The wife and relationship that you had is gone, dead. In it's place is a woman that looks like and has the same voice as the wife you lost. You just don't know who this person is. She is not the loving caring wife that died. She can't understand your pain and sees no need to. In stead of your pain causing her pain, she is just wanting you to get over it already. The wife you knew is gone, she's not coming back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 Let's all understand. If everything you have written is true and there have been some inconsistencies, which make me wonder, but so be it. You need to understand that you do not have the full truth in any way. And the way that you are going, by sitting there and whining about it, you are never going to get there. If you ever get the courage to have her polygraphed, you will find out that she had real live sex with someone. That is just a fact. Because she has lied to you about so much, she is still in some of the lying and affair mind set. She may not have had Skype sex since you caught her, but she thinks about it. She cannot get to a level or a place to understand your pain because she wants to keep doing it. Basically she wants to be single or she wants to swing. Get it, be a swinger, group sex, threesomes, hot wifeing or what ever. That is where her mind is at. Not helping her beta boy husband feel better. With her thinking the way that she must be, she will never ever get to a place of remorse. She will never be able to help you heal, she will never ever be remorseful, she will never be able to understand your pain. So you either have to get real and have her polygraphed with the proper questions, or you have to file for divorce. If you don't do one of these things you will never get your self respect back. You will never be able to get to a better place with her if you do not take charge and find out what was really going on, drag her in front of a real MC that can help with the infidelity. And basically get tough. If you don't have it in you to do that, then get out or be miserable... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 Hi Blues, your post is wasted effort. ZH is tone deaf. He just does not hear what he does'nt want to hear. That nursery rhyme they taught in Kindergarten which went "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.....All the Kings horses and All the Kings men, couldn't put Humpty together again" holds true for ZH. You can keep trying to convince him from here to Kingdom come but you will fail. It is a lost cause. Sadly, I broke my own self imposed embargo on posting on his thread. Just couldn't help it after reading some of what he has written. Like I said in one of my previous posts, he will keep revealing snippets to keep the interest in his thread going. Guess I'm done here. Warm wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 I want the special back, committed, kind, caring, loving, friendship, partnership, we have each other's backs type special relationship. Now I have a crap marriage, on the verge of total collapse. How can it be special again? I want special, I want to be with someone that would never do this, that respects me and loves me. Not sure if I want her love back, she doesn't understand the damage she caused, I don't feel like I know the full truth and I don't know who she is. We all want that. But wishing it doesn't make it so. Reality is a cruel cruel cup of tea. Reality is harsh. It can be cruel and ugly. Yet no matter how much we grieve over our environment and circumstances nothing will change. What is important is not to be defeated, to forge ahead bravely. If we do this, a path will open before us. Daisaku Ikeda 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 Assuming that all she told you is true, that she was only texting these men, then I would be concerned with what set her off? What was the initial contagion that caused her to do all these things? I would bet she had sex with someone, sometime in your marriage, and that is what set this entire ball of slimy worms rolling... If you ever do have her polygraphed, my guess is she will reveal to you that she had sex - but will try to deflect the issue by claiming 'rape', or 'assault', and that she couldn't help herself afterwards... don't buy it. Also, your telling us she is reading about group sex, and threesomes, etc. brings up another possibility - that the infraction she had was with another woman. Don't be surprised, but her sexual interaction with other men could be her way of trying to convince herself that she isn't gay or bi. But yes, I think you are going to be at this impasse until you have her commit to a poly... Link to post Share on other sites
Maraud3r Posted July 27, 2017 Share Posted July 27, 2017 Another thing she said was that she can't understand my pain because she is not the betrayed spouse. Well, tell her you can change that if she wants. Having an affair shouldn't be all that hard. Tell her you could take pictures and videos and show them to her. If she needs to experience it to understand it, that shouldn't really be the problem, no? Link to post Share on other sites
deadsoul Posted July 28, 2017 Share Posted July 28, 2017 The answer she gives me when I ask her "why" is she was addicted to the attention. I asked her how is pleasuring yourself to another man's sexual text message " getting attention"? Seriously, a man writes her an erotic story, no pics just words and when the kids and I are not home she reads it and pleasures herself to his words, how is that getting attention? How is having phone sex getting attention? I asked her point blank if she has a fetish for multiple men or webcam sex or what? In her kindle browser history she was searching and reading erotic literature they all were about group sex. Addicted to the attention is not a sufficient answer, that is purely minimizing what she was doing. The other excuse is she had a midlife crisis, so what is it? Midlife crisis, attention, or fetish, possibly a mixture of all 3? I wish this never happened, but it did, how do you get through it? Cheating is so cold, then to not understand the damage you caused your spouse makes it nearly impossible to repair. I think you have to let that part sink in for you. At some point you will have to ***** or get off the pot. She's still in the fog. I get that, I feel like I'm in a little bit too, but I'm working hard to get out of it. I also understand her comment about not understand what the BS is going through. But this is where she needs to have empathy and it doesn't appear to be there. Good luck and keep us posted. I understand your limbo, I do, but your anger is eating you up and that's not healthy for you or your kids. As a WW, I wish the A never happened either. But it did. I have to accept it and learn from it and move forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 I want the special back, committed, kind, caring, loving, friendship, partnership, we have each other's backs type special relationship. Now I have a crap marriage, on the verge of total collapse. How can it be special again? I want special, I want to be with someone that would never do this, that respects me and loves me. Not sure if I want her love back, she doesn't understand the damage she caused, I don't feel like I know the full truth and I don't know who she is. You're still in limbo and you are never going to know the full truth without a polygraph test. It is highly unlikely someone this addicted at doing what she was doing resisted the temptation to meet any of these men personally. She must have interacted with someone close by at some point. You will be wondering for years and years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 she had a threesome at some point in time or a group activity. She is not who you think she is, and she will never me. File for D. get away from your pain. She is your pain and will always be, because she does not have any empathy for you. She likes to party. You are with the wrong girl. Get a D. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Deidre Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 The answer she gives me when I ask her "why" is she was addicted to the attention. I asked her how is pleasuring yourself to another man's sexual text message " getting attention"? Seriously, a man writes her an erotic story, no pics just words and when the kids and I are not home she reads it and pleasures herself to his words, how is that getting attention? How is having phone sex getting attention? I asked her point blank if she has a fetish for multiple men or webcam sex or what? In her kindle browser history she was searching and reading erotic literature they all were about group sex. Addicted to the attention is not a sufficient answer, that is purely minimizing what she was doing. The other excuse is she had a midlife crisis, so what is it? Midlife crisis, attention, or fetish, possibly a mixture of all 3? I wish this never happened, but it did, how do you get through it? Cheating is so cold, then to not understand the damage you caused your spouse makes it nearly impossible to repair. Maybe she understands, but doesn't care. That's likely more the case. She sounds like a narcissist, who lacks empathy. I'm sorry you're in such a mess, but I can't imagine how divorce could be worse than living with this woman for a lifetime. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 zh, Do what you need to do but remember one thing: Depending on the type of WS she is (and I think we know by now), she may not change. Or if you think she has changed, it's a change that is based on getting what she wants and not on clarity, moral fiber, empathy, deep remorse, etc. In other words, once found out, this type of WS works really hard to LOOK like the perfect spouse and parent but that behavior is motivated by appearance and fear of humiliation, failure or rejection. Affair fog is a concept that offers a generous margin of doubt for the WS, implying that s/he is thrown off kilter by infatuation with the AP and s/he will be good, normal and loving again once the spell wears off. But the WS who acts out of self-interest in all things was not in love, much less in affair fog. This type of WS stops the affair behavior because they've been disgraced by the discovery and need to regain their status, power and good name. I would say it's more important for you to continue to show her how much you understand now what makes her tick if you're really determined to stay together. You're not going to get the understanding and empathic concern that you need from her. She's not capable of it and probably doesn't know why or how to be that way. This is just hard truth. Don't expect her to even want to recognize your pain. It's simply another reminder of her fk-up and any request for her to acknowledge your pain will only bring you more sorrow. That's my two cents anyway. Pretty cynical but there it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 Hi Merrmeade, tell me how you can drive a square peg in a round hole? Guess you don't know as I guess no one else does. However, ZH is trying to do exactly that and he will keep doing so till eternity. One can not talk sense into someone who conveniently ignores anything that anyone has to say, with which he does not agree or does not want to hear. This thread is well on it's way to become a novel. Talk about hitting your head against the wall! Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
here222 Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 ZH You have received a lot of feedback from your story but only you can make things better. I think you have went through some tough time here but I think by hanging in there and working on all of this is a wise choice. You can and will get through all of this. Continue to work on yourself becoming stronger, as time passes it will level out. But whatever happens your twins will, should always be your priority. As far as the crap sandwich that you are getting just throw them in the trash and let your wife know that you don't want anymore. She needs you much more then you think. She still needs a lot of help as you do but I still think it will work for all of you. I wish all of you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted August 4, 2017 Author Share Posted August 4, 2017 My wife is getting it now. I can see improvement. A few weeks ago she started researching how to help your spouse heal from infidelity and she is now doing things that are helping me heal. She is more engaged with our family, with the twins, with me. She apologies pretty much daily and asks me how I'm doing, if I'm feeling better and what she can do to help me. She is still without a smartphone and off social media. Sex has been great, not boring, we have been doing things we have never done. I make sure she has all the O's she can handle till she says she can't take anymore and then she makes sure I have a fantastic O as well. I haven't had a nightmare about the betrayal since late May or early June. When the mind movies start during the day I'm getting better at redirecting my thoughts. I hope this trend continues and we can get back to the "special" I so desperately want to have in my marriage. We are not there yet but hopefully it will happen in the future. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted August 4, 2017 Author Share Posted August 4, 2017 Also I wanted to say something about her sexting that I noticed last week. After the IC session I had last week I went back and read through her sexting conversations with these men because of something my therapist had to say about sexting and the motivations to engage in that behavior. So I was reading through the sexting conversations with the different men and noticed that she pretty much used the same lines with all of them, so it wasn't really all the personal, she said the same crap, used pretty much the same lines with all of them. That did make me feel a little bit better that it was more of a game and not really that she was "in love" with any of them, she pretty much told them all the same damn thing. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 My wife is getting it now. I can see improvement. A few weeks ago she started researching how to help your spouse heal from infidelity and she is now doing things that are helping me heal. She is more engaged with our family, with the twins, with me. She apologies pretty much daily and asks me how I'm doing, if I'm feeling better and what she can do to help me. She is still without a smartphone and off social media. Sex has been great, not boring, we have been doing things we have never done. I make sure she has all the O's she can handle till she says she can't take anymore and then she makes sure I have a fantastic O as well. I haven't had a nightmare about the betrayal since late May or early June. When the mind movies start during the day I'm getting better at redirecting my thoughts. I hope this trend continues and we can get back to the "special" I so desperately want to have in my marriage. We are not there yet but hopefully it will happen in the future. First time you have posted and seem to be able to really move forward a little. These two post give hope for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 Still think you need some time to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
here222 Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 ZH Great news. I really thought you were going in the right direction, now it is good that your wife is beginning to figure it out as well. Sounds like you are doing very good. Hang in there, you are for sure doing your part. Wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 Nice to hear something positive! Nothing enhances intimacy like great sex:D It's also nice to hear that she is showing some empathy finally. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted August 5, 2017 Share Posted August 5, 2017 Hi Merrmeade, tell me how you can drive a square peg in a round hole? Guess you don't know as I guess no one else does. However, ZH is trying to do exactly that and he will keep doing so till eternity. One can not talk sense into someone who conveniently ignores anything that anyone has to say, with which he does not agree or does not want to hear. This thread is well on it's way to become a novel. Talk about hitting your head against the wall! Warm wishes. Well, neither you nor I can drive any pegs but our own. And I'm no one to say I listened any better than zh. I got tons of sympathy and would get snarky at any hard talk. In this place in time, zh and I and tons of other BSs think, "They don't REALLY know us. They just get snippets according to my moods," and gave ourselves a loophole - for what? Ummm, more pain actually. So, yay, she's found the script for what to say and do in her position. She'll follow that for a while and look a little like other caring, humble human beings. But just remember it's an act. That book was written BECAUSE they are so selfish to be that clueless about other people's feelings. And so it will help, but will it go that deep, be that life-changing or permanent? Hope so but doubt it. The hope, of course, is that by DOING the right behavior and SAYING the right words of love and compassion, those emotions will begin to grow on their own. Behavior CAN change the brain. But if it's not that lasting or deep or genuine, don't be crushed when you realize how selfish and unaware she still is and always was. And don't EVER allow yourself to be that naive zombiehead again. Hope it makes your life more stable and happy. Just proceed with caution and discrimination from now on, okay? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted August 7, 2017 Author Share Posted August 7, 2017 Woke up at 5am from a nightmare about my wife having sex with another man. It seemed so real that felt a panic and anxiety. So I got up and made coffee and fed the dog and cats. Around 7 my wife gets up and asked how long I've been up and I told her about the nightmare. She said I'm not doing that stuff any longer and never will again then she asked me to make her a cup of coffee. I told her to make it herself beause I need to go to work. I'm disappointed that she didnt apologize that her betrayal is the reason I'm having these nightmares. Anger starts to build as I'm driving to work so I decided I'm done going to call me attorney and tell him to file the petition for divorce. When I get to my desk at work I'm just seconds away from calling him and my wife calls and apologizes!!! It seems she is finally starting to get it. She apologized about my nightmare and for all the things she did and that she loves me. Link to post Share on other sites
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