MickeyBill Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Her not fighting the STD test ("How dare you not trust me!") probably means she knows what she has or has not done IRL. So if no contact, no worries. Has she been open and forthcoming with what she's been doing or just letting you find out things on your own? How sure are you that you know all her ways of communicating? Is there TT going on? What's her mood like after you found out? Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 It's good that you're getting tested, OP. So what are you going to do? Are you definitely going to divorce her? Honestly, the secret taping and sending out of the videos and so on would be something I couldn't get over, personally. And I'd be pressing charges. Are you considering R? Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 I see an irresponsible, drunk, lying, cheating, victimizing sex offender of a woman in at least 50 affairs and willing to violate you for another mans sexual satisfaction and put your entire future into jeopardy. So, you've provided us a million reasons why you need leave this abuser and none of why you should stay. I get the feeling you are going to rugsweep all of this and let get away with it. Why? Why do you feel you do not deserve better? You need to get to the bottom of that. There's no reason to keep her around but something tells me she's going to walk away free and clear. The only person who has to deal with this now is YOU. She could obviously care less. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 I see an irresponsible, drunk, lying, cheating, victimizing sex offender of a woman in at least 50 affairs and willing to violate you for another mans sexual satisfaction and put your entire future into jeopardy. So, you've provided us a million reasons why you need leave this abuser and none of why you should stay. I get the feeling you are going to rugsweep all of this and let get away with it. Why? Why do you feel you do not deserve better? You need to get to the bottom of that. There's no reason to keep her around but something tells me she's going to walk away free and clear. The only person who has to deal with this now is YOU. She could obviously care less. I agree...OP...why? Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 What makes you think this started in 2015 and not sooner? Although her fetish is strange to many proeple, if thats her thing, that's the reality of being married to her. I do not believe for a second if it hasn't progressed to the physical yet, it will do so. Could you live with that??? Second: "birds of a feather" has more truth then not. Take a hard look around at her social circle, look for chat rooms for woman with similar fetishes. Two years ago a guy showed me a porn site with homemade videos. I dismissed it as being BS until he showed me one of himself and his girlfriend. At 59 I was still learning ! I run into him and his wife sometimes, still can't wrap my head around it, but their life not mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 Yeah, my husband did that, too - used the word "flirting" for everything that wasn't intercourse. I've decided when they do that, they mean the game of getting s/b else interested, then aroused - whether it's talk or touch. They're saying flirting like teasing, being provocative, suggestive. It's the chase and the sexual tension. The fact is your wife has probably never put what she's doing in any kind of reality based context. There is someone who's been on this forum for some years whose wife started her cheating online like this - with nude pics and some kind of fantasy situation I think. It ended with a real affair. I too remember a very similar story to this one. The thread was eventually locked and the op banned....because I think the moderators determined the op was a troll. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 13, 2017 Author Share Posted February 13, 2017 Took off early, came home picked up the wife, she cried in the car on the way to the clinic, cried in the waiting room, and cried on the way home. Hopefully the staff at the clinic doesn't assume I'm the cheater. I'm sure they think there was infidelity since we both had STD screens. Who cares what they think right? FTR my wife is not an irresponsible drunk. She will have a few with the neighbor lady once every couple of months, holidays, special occasions, and that is about it. Thursday I'm meet with an attorney that specializes in men's rights. Next week Tuesday she starts therapy. After the twins are down I will dig through all the chat and her phone again. I can't find the sent email with the video. I have the video, I have the chat requesting the video, but I don't have the sent email. She claims that she deleted it out of the sent folder the day she emailed it. I logged into her gmail account on my phone the night I confronter her and have not logged out. I check it all day and she hasn't received any emails from the OM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 One day at a time Zombie. Talk to professionals. Get counseling for both of you. You will need it as well, this is a lot of information and emotions to process. Personally I don't agree with all of those who as sharpening their pitch forks. In the end is you, your family, and what you feel and think that matters. Don't lose sight of that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 People get addicted and lost in the cyber world so easily in this day and age. There's also a sense of feeling 'safe' when the person is so far away and you know you're never going to be meeting them. Way back in the days of MSN (about 20 years ago) , I used to chat with people online and I made sure they were not in my country of residence. She would have been overwhelmed with the attention of it all and then it became addictive. I signed up to a site as an experiment (to gain info for my work), after a BW caught her husband on it (sexting) and it was quite an eye opener. Within seconds I was bombarded with chat requests and they zoom straight in with X rated talk /webcam requests from the get go. You can also see how many males/females are logged on to the site and it's so many more men, which is why they jump in on females straight off the bat. I imagine she got sucked in by the attention, then she wanted to please them by obliging whatever they asked for ... And they do love asking for nudes and can be very persistent. She took it way too far with videoing you during intimacy, but the high number of people she has been sexting shows she has a serious problem. This is a another reason I don't like the SAHM thing. Bored women start seeking external validation. Your children are in school now, so she needs to get a job, so she doesn't have so much time on her hands. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MickeyBill Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 unless Mr Z is a troll.... ^^ , I think he has some justification to taking some time to figure out his plan. 100% of what us forumites know about this woman is what he has told up in the last few days, and it is not good... Z is still getting his head around what she has done, this side of her all new to him. He has a whole lotta history with this woman, the mother of his kids to process before he can even approach making a decision. That decision may end up being what most of the folks are saying but he needs to come at in his own time frame. Not ours. I sure don;t know if he has all the facts yet. He's got a bunch of facts that don't look good and will be tough to sweep away. But there has been very little about what is up with her, so maybe Mrs Adams is right and this thread may be locked soon Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 13, 2017 Share Posted February 13, 2017 unless Mr Z is a troll.... ^^ , I think he has some justification to taking some time to figure out his plan. 100% of what us forumites know about this woman is what he has told up in the last few days, and it is not good... Z is still getting his head around what she has done, this side of her all new to him. He has a whole lotta history with this woman, the mother of his kids to process before he can even approach making a decision. That decision may end up being what most of the folks are saying but he needs to come at in his own time frame. Not ours. I sure don;t know if he has all the facts yet. He's got a bunch of facts that don't look good and will be tough to sweep away. But there has been very little about what is up with her, so maybe Mrs Adams is right and this thread may be locked soon I was speaking about another poster that someone else referred to......not this op or this thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MickeyBill Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 (edited) Ok sorry not a troll. In Gmail check under the All tab (under More) on the left side Edited February 14, 2017 by MickeyBill Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Z, What has your wife's reaction been? When you look in her eyes, what do you see? I get that to you this is a big deal, but other then the fact it's a big deal to you what does it mean to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 She is apologizing profusely, and said she feels relief that her secret is uncovered. It seems she is sincere at the moment. I on the other hand need time to process through it all. Still having difficulty understanding what the hell I just learned about her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 When I confronted my ExW with the affair, the tears came out and she also was "glad that Secret was out". I call Bull Crap. If the burden was so heavy how come she she didn't tell you? My x also wanted me to hit her, so she "could feel some of my pain." Lol. WS in the Fog and right after are dumb dumb dumb. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Again, you know your wife..... I really wonder if everyones projections about what their terrible spouse did to them is truely helpful. Have counseling appointments been set? Sometimes remorse is fake, and other times is genuine. What someone else has, or has not done really has no bearing on your situation. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 I have absolutely no desire whatsoever for MC. She begins therapy next week Tuesday. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 (edited) I am not talking about marriage counseling. I am taking about individual counseling. Your world just got turned upside down. You would also benefit from counseling to determine what will be best for you. How to sort through and address your emotions. How to navigate this mine field. Or perhaps I am wrong? You have this all handled, your mind is clear and you feel able to make sound choices, including what to do next? When my husband cheated, I felt like I was losing my mind. My whole world as I knew it had been upheaved. I went to a few counseling sessions. They helped me immensely. You are obviously seeking advice - a professional would be better to assist you rather than a bunch of untrained Yahoo's behind a key board. Edited February 14, 2017 by RecentChange 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 I would rather take some golf lessons and improve my swing and game. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Okay got it - you must have it all figured out. Or you are wanting to avoid the hard stuff..... That hard stuff doesn't go away. You can stomp it down and let it fester. Or address the wound. Or post on internet forum board and get a wide range of not always reliable advice from strangers you have never met. As to what will be most helpful for you and your children moving forward - obviously the choice is yours. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 Just kidding. I agree with you that I should seek professional help. It is horribly painful reading her sex chat and seeing the pics she sent. She did have phone sex and talk to a few if them via Skype. The VARs are in place in her car and under the bed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 It really seems like you are trying to continue a relationship with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Okay and sorry to be harsh. I have been on both sides of this coin, and we are happily reconciled.... I know it hurts, unbelievably, and is a ***** ton of work.but for us it was worth it. If I had followed the kind of advice often given here by betryaed.... I don't think I would be in the place I (we!) are today. And professionals helped get us here. So, my perspective is a bit different from the pitch fork crowd. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 The tears may be from the shock of being discovered, mixed with regret. The relief, well, her behavior does seem to be one of addictive compulsion. With that many different online partners, it seems to really fall into some sort of obsessive compulsive porn/masturbation cycle. Most people who have this problem usually also have a degree of shame and self loathing associated with it. One question I have, is what changed to cause her to get careless enough to get caught. This has been going on for a very long time, apparently at a relatively high rate of frequency. A lot of time invested in that behavior... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 Pulled up the username of one her sexting partners on Skype using my account and boom his full name was listed with his username. He told my wife where he lived so I just found his ass on Facebook. He is married with 1 kid. I also now have his wife's name and I went to her Facebook page. This dude is not very smart, listing his real name and a wide open public facebook account. She needs to know the truth so the question if I should expose the affair is not in doubt. The question is how should I do it? I really dont want her to know my identy. How can I do it anonymously? Ok time to see if I can find the full names on these other jerks she was sexting with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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