nude pics red flag??

[Superchicken]

Man, there are other people in worse situations than yours.

First, my views, and "ONLY" if she didn't actually have sex with any one..

Cause if she did, then get rid of the trash.

But, if she didn't then :

Everyone is different, and have different levels of "Want/Need".

Yes, its bad that she took nudes, and sexted, however, she didn't include her face (If she did, then get rid of the trash)

This says that she's just filling an addiction/need what ever you want to call it.

The fact she told others she didn't want to leave you says a world of info.

Get over it, but don't forget it.

Your wife does love you, and YOU need to remember that more than ANYTHING else. Saying "I want you inside me", I believe is a generic expressed word during her masturbation to turn herself on more.

But, she DID NOT physically act on it with ANYONE !.

You were and still are the only man she has let, touch her in those ways. So remember that. You, you nini.

So she likes porn. Man, big freaking deal !.

I like porn, as do millions of others. We (Most part) are decent and loving people.

Was she a little "Left field", yes, but she obviously got something out of it.

Again,. she didn't show her face, so there's a level of "Hasn't gone all the way" thank god feeling..

Man, if my wife did that, yeah, I would have got pissed like you, but divorce, naaaa, she just needs to be supplied a little more of what she craved for from others.

Be more understanding of what she needed at those times.

Other men have actual wives that have gone that step further and acted on those scenarios. Your wife didn't, and she loves you, and has a porn addiction. So rather than argue, and fight it, accept it, and help her.

More so, give her some of the attention she wanted from others. I always complement my wife ALL the time on how sexy she looks, and when we are out in public, we play "Risky" games, that arouse both of us.

Makes her feel like a wanted woman, and keeps me "Standing to attention" all night !.

Mate, again, she loves you, hasn't had sex with anyone else, hasn't shown her face, and is a little too raunchy. Just set some new rules, but don't treat her like a cheater.. Remember she said the words, NOT acted them.

 

 

Man, I cant believe Superchicken's views.. I need to check my temperature.. Some ones slipping me female hormones..

 

 

Ted.

[Cephalopod]

I know one thing. When all of you two are in with that therapist's office I wouldn't hold back a thing.

 

I would let her know just what you think about her X rated hobby, her lies, her cheating, her complete lack of disrespect for you and your marriage, her taping without your consent of you and her having sex.

 

The problem with her and the porn issue is not viewing porn but her turn on performing in porn. That's her kicks.

 

Honestly if that was my wife, she wouldn't be in the same house as me and I wouldn't give a tinkers damn where she goes, what she does and whoever she wants to do it with. I wouldn't want to see her, talk to her or have anything to do with you.

 

Her total lack of respect for you along with all the rest of the crap she pulled on you should tell you that the anger you have now will be with you for many a year to come. It's not just one trigger that will set you off. She has enough triggers for a machine gun. If it's me I point to the door and tell her to push on someplace else but not in the home. She lost that privilege.

 

 

 

Or you tell her that if she wants to remain married to you, then she will set up a pay-site where she posts her pics online as a webmistress, and you get 50% of the take.

[usa1ah]

Hey ZH, how did IC go. You ok?

[lolablue17]

OP, I have an idea for you. You still don't know if you can and want to reconcile. You are now, as a civilized man, trying to hold your emotions, and not doing things out of anger, so right now you're checking reconciliation and cooperate with that, waiting things to become better. The result? It doesn't go well.

 

Try the opposite. Start the divorce process. While being in this process, you might be getting some insights and some certainty about what you want to do. You might be feeling very good about doing this, or the opposite, you might understand that you love your wife very much and stay. Either way, you'll get a better knowledge about how to proceed.

[merrmeade]

ZH, it's been very painful to follow the course of this thread as you've gone from nude pics and one loser online AP to dozens and, of course, the one sexual encounter. I can imagine what the IC session was like. I hope you were on your guard for any interpretations or detours that reordered the priority of issues. I would assume the therapist established an agenda at the outset that you both had to agree on.

 

I'd like to encourage you in one area. It took therapy for me to understand the importance of acknowledging your feelings and not holding back. These are examples of clear, healthy, normal reactions to your situation:

...every time you look at your cheating spouse you feel the trauma, you think about the betrayal, the details, the pain.

... I feel the rage brewing and I'm afraid that I'm going to go ballistic at any minute.

 

I felt like throwing up on both of them, it was sickening to witness.

... I have no interest in sharing a bed with her or sex with her. The kids and our dog give me happiness and joy, she does not. My dog sleeps on the bed with me, and I really enjoy it. ... I would rather spoon with dog than my wife, I think I love my dog more than my wife.

This articulates squarely the pure power of what you're feeling. As awful as it is, anything less - trying to distract yourself, push it down, intellectualize or overanalyze - will confuse and complicate your options of what to do about it.

 

In other words, right now, this is what you feel and you cannot do anything that denies those feelings (i.e., rug-sweeping). Maybe you'll feel differently later but it doesn't even matter. This is where you are and, therefore, x, y, z is (im)possible for you.

 

But I think you already know what you can do:

Trying to R seems impossible. How do people do it? Staying with the source of your pain is unhealthy. You must be able to rug sweep and suck it up, but I don't think I'm capable of that.

Here's another reason you've identified:

My life with her over the last year and a half is so tainted.

Again, as straight and true as it gets. One simply doesn't forget. The trauma will not let you.

 

This is a female identifying with every aspect of what you're reporting. It's not just "what men do"; it's what we all do. You don't need someone else to tell you that the nude pics + 1 sexual encounter = a forgivable or unforgivable offense for men. You just need to know what YOU can stomach and honor that.

 

It's raw and immediate. The fact that you love her at the same time is what creates the explosive frustration. You're angry with her and with yourself because you cannot allow yourself to love her after what she's done yet you are forced to arrange the agonizing steps in response. It's a cataclysm of irreconcilable impulses raging inside you.

 

Personally, I think that forcing yourself to listen to more psycho-talk about her condition is unhealthy right now. It will prolong the agony and increase the intensity of your righteous anger. I would recommend a true separation and get yourself someone to talk to. I don't think you need therapy for the same reason she does but a few sessions with someone who can affirm and reflect what you're experiencing and encourage you in the direction of best outcome for everyone.

 

I really do believe that your ability to feel and name your vulnerabilities right now is the most powerful strength you have. Stay there and you will be an even better man who will find happiness again - because you so deserve it.

 

My heart goes out to you.

[zombiehead]

I have hired an attorney but haven't pulled the trigger yet. The session was pathetic, I brought up what I found and how I feel about it to the therapist. I was told that I shouldn't talk about her betrayal at home, because I'm not trying to find a solution but instead trying to make her feel bad about herself. WTF!!!!!!! I nearly walked out of the session after that bs. I'm trying to make her feel bad because she betrayed me??!! What about how I feel about it? I must suffer in silence??

 

I wish it was only a porn viewing addiction, I could get over no problem. This wasn't her watching random porn videos or pictures or erotica literature, it was with real men. It was communicating daily with real men, it was having online sex real time with real men. After reviewing her nude selfies there are many at the beginning that included her face, I guess she decided later on that including her face wasn't a smart idea and the photos she was sending at the end did not include her face.

 

I'm in limbo, not sharing a bed with her, sleeping with my dog and doing things with the twins. She is leaving for her parents this weekend and will stay with them next week. I will be alone with the twins so I had to make some arrangements with after school care while I'm working.

 

Looking forward to the source of my pain being out of the house for a bit.

[BluesPower]

Get a new therapist today...

 

This one is a complete moron as so many of them are. It is easy for the T to say that because he/she is not the one that was betrayed in such a horrible fashion.

 

This T will do nothing for your wife or you.

 

Take a deep breath, it will take some time to find the right therapist that has the proper understanding of this type of stuff.

 

They all like to get paid and will almost never admit that they have no understanding about what the are talking about.

 

You don't have to get over this today. I know you are hurting, but try to take your time...

[Marc878]

Not walking out says you've accepted the therapists view.

 

Yep you should have left.

[bluefeather]

I was told that I shouldn't talk about her betrayal at home, because I'm not trying to find a solution but instead trying to make her feel bad about herself. WTF!!!!!!!

 

Well it seems like this therapist is there to help heal the woman, not you. You should probably get a therapist of your own. You have so much anger inside and it is totally understandable, but this isn't healthy for you, nor your children. I don't think you are trying to be a good person and salvage things anymore. I think you are being weak because you are scared to leave her. I agree with lolablue17, and think you should begin the process. That will probably be the time you finally begin to heal.

[BluesPower]

Well it seems like this therapist is there to help heal the woman, not you. You should probably get a therapist of your own. You have so much anger inside and it is totally understandable, but this isn't healthy for you, nor your children. I don't think you are trying to be a good person and salvage things anymore. I think you are being weak because you are scared to leave her. I agree with lolablue17, and think you should begin the process. That will probably be the time you finally begin to heal.

 

No way... If a therapist feels that way about the situation he/she is a moron.

 

Any T that knows anything understands that the BS has to talk about what happened and how it made him feel and the BS NEEDS to hears it. She needs to hear the pain that it caused her husband. She needs to feel his pain in order to understand what she has done.

 

This is the kind of advice that finally breaks marriages that are on the edge. It is some type of mealy mouth progressive hogwash coming form someone that has absolutely no understanding of infidelity.

 

These type or MC's, or T's always do more damage to an existing horrible situation.

[zombiehead]

I have never done the sexting thing. Before I was married a woman that wanted to date me called and said "I'm unzipping your pants and pulling it out ..

...." She was wanting to have phone sex but I was not into it. Never crossed my mind to sext or send pics of my dic to my wife or anyone for that matter. I guess I'm a prude.

[freengreen]

This thread has been such a 'narrative' one, sharing as it happens.

 

OP, I really feel for you. You have endured all kinds of pains over the ride. Being prude isnt a bad thing. I hope the therapy helps you. You have been a good father and a really really generous towards your wife. Remember that there was nothing wrong you did on your part (also ironic).

 

Takecare.

[whichwayisup]

Find a neutral therapist, a marriage counseling that is actually going to help and not choose sides. Seems this current one is more there for your wife than you.

[Try]

I brought up what I found and how I feel about it to the therapist. I was told that I shouldn't talk about her betrayal at home, because I'm not trying to find a solution but instead trying to make her feel bad about herself. WTF!!!!!!!

Her telling you that you "shouldn't talk about her betrayal at home", is her telling you to only talk about it through her, thus trying to get you to commit to seeing her on a regular and long term basis. Unfortunately this may be a money play. Even if such a practice drives away the majority of people, the remaining people more than make up for it in her billings. Many therapist do not focus on the business side of what they do and more often then not focus on opening up communications between the parties; find on of them.

[bubbaganoosh]

Pull the trigger then. I might hurt like hell at first but the pain wil be less as time goes on.

 

With her there, all it does is bring up really bad mind movies and you'll never heal like that.

 

All the pain your going through is right in front of you 24/7. Doesn't matter if your sleeping in another bed, you still have to get up in the morning and there she is standing in front of you and soon after the pain comes back. In my opinion it isn't worth it.

 

You need to start healing and the only way to start is not having to revisit each and every ugly scene over and over again so file and get it over with.

[usa1ah]

Hey Z, I believe you are doing good, all things considered. Keep working on yourself and doing things with the twins. Once your head clears a little then it will be time to think about the future.

 

Have fun with the kiddo's this week.

[Sweetfish]

I have never done the sexting thing. Before I was married a woman that wanted to date me called and said "I'm unzipping your pants and pulling it out ..

...." She was wanting to have phone sex but I was not into it. Never crossed my mind to sext or send pics of my dic to my wife or anyone for that matter. I guess I'm a prude.

 

 

Sent you a PM

[Heathen]

I am curious if you ever watched porn and enjoyed it.

[merrmeade]

I am curious if you ever watched porn and enjoyed it.

.... which - even if he has - is a far cry from creating your own.

 

But about seeing your wife's therapist for MC: This is not the time to make demands on your good will and empathy. You have suffered trauma from the most egregious of injuries possible in a marriage by your wife's betrayal, and you're supposed to worry about hurting her feelings? Give me a break.

 

The mistake was even considering using your wife's T for MC. My T flat out told me it's not possible to do both and she would not consider it. She said either I would feel betrayed (by her) or he would not feel understood, and my IC would be over.

 

I have gradually changed my mind about when to pursue MC after infidelity because of my own experience and because of what I've read here. I haven't heard of anyone helped by entering into couples counseling right after discovery. I'd like to think the reason is that those who are helped don't have time for or need LS any more, but there's no way to test that theory.

 

Even the name - "marriage counseling" - says it all. Where's the marriage to counsel? It's blown up at the moment, dynamited by infidelity and so it's just too soon to work on you as a couple, if at all. Wouldn't any relationship be destroyed if one of the partners gave his time and passion to other interests that he knew were harmful to the partnership? If so, why would a cheated partner initiate mediation to repair the partnership first thing?

 

And besides the huge matter of mistrust, there are extrmely powerful but very different emotions that have left each individual fragile and confused. Betrayal is traumatizing, and shame can be debilitating for a while. But while they're the most volatile and consuming is not the time to work on rebuilding the union in my opinion. Work on the individual and what each of you wants and why. Until you're able to trust and listen, MC is worse than useless if the individuals are still in deep pain.

Edited March 30, 2017 by merrmeade

[Unforseen]

.... which - even if he has - is a far cry from creating your own.

 

But about seeing your wife's therapist for MC: This is not the time to make demands on your good will and empathy. You have suffered trauma from the most egregious of injuries possible in a marriage by your wife's betrayal, and you're supposed to worry about hurting her feelings? Give me a break.

 

The mistake was even considering using your wife's T for MC. My T flat out told me it's not possible to do both and she would not consider it. She said either I would feel betrayed (by her) or he would not feel understood, and my IC would be over.

 

I have gradually changed my mind about when to pursue MC after infidelity because of my own experience and because of what I've read here. I haven't heard of anyone helped by entering into couples counseling right after discovery. I'd like to think the reason is that those who are helped don't have time for or need LS any more, but there's no way to test that theory.

 

Even the name - "marriage counseling" - says it all. Where's the marriage to counsel? It's blown up at the moment, dynamited by infidelity and so it's just too soon to work on you as a couple, if at all. Wouldn't any relationship be destroyed if one of the partners gave his time and passion to other interests that he knew were harmful to the partnership? If so, why would a cheated partner initiate mediation to repair the partnership first thing?

 

And besides the huge matter of mistrust, there are extrmely powerful but very different emotions that have left each individual fragile and confused. Betrayal is traumatizing, and shame can be debilitating for a while. But while they're the most volatile and consuming is not the time to work on rebuilding the union in my opinion. Work on the individual and what each of you wants and why. Until you're able to trust and listen, MC is worse than useless if the individuals are still in deep pain.

 

Because some of us are idiots and we're making decisions based on panic and not by way of rational thought. I was in some kind of survival mode where saving the marriage was the only thing that mattered. I was delusional and in denial and, for a time, was convinced the whole situation was my fault. While it did take the edge off and got me talking to my WW about how devastated I was without attempting to destroy her humanity.

 

On the down side, being an MC, the focus quickly changed to repairing the marriage and I went along with it. Don't get me wrong, that was an important thing, but it really marginalized my feelings and the need for my WW to prove herself.

 

There isn't an one size fits all solution to affairs and their aftermath. Things are generally working out for me and my WW but I think the end result was my suffering was needlessly extended for the sake of her feelings. No it wasn't fair and I didn't know any better. I just knew everything did not feel resolved to me. 18 months past D day and I'm finally working on getting what I need from my WW.

[BluesPower]

Because some of us are idiots and we're making decisions based on panic and not by way of rational thought. I was in some kind of survival mode where saving the marriage was the only thing that mattered. I was delusional and in denial and, for a time, was convinced the whole situation was my fault. While it did take the edge off and got me talking to my WW about how devastated I was without attempting to destroy her humanity.

 

On the down side, being an MC, the focus quickly changed to repairing the marriage and I went along with it. Don't get me wrong, that was an important thing, but it really marginalized my feelings and the need for my WW to prove herself.

 

There isn't an one size fits all solution to affairs and their aftermath. Things are generally working out for me and my WW but I think the end result was my suffering was needlessly extended for the sake of her feelings. No it wasn't fair and I didn't know any better. I just knew everything did not feel resolved to me. 18 months past D day and I'm finally working on getting what I need from my WW.

 

Many people have this experience...

 

Who are the MC's and where did they get their training? It is not just one MC, it is a host of them in every state in the US for sure.

 

Where did that concept come from? I wish I knew because I would punch the moron that started that concept about MC and infidelity in the mouth.

 

The first MC that we saw was fairly young female counselor. She started out with, "Well, what are the problems in the marriage that led to the affair..." I looked and her and said, "are you Fu***** kidding me?"

 

Then I proceeded to get up and leave the session that very second. Everyone was lucky that the MC was female at that point. Because if it had been a male counselor I would have gone to jail that day.

 

Where did that concept ever come from?

[zombiehead]

Heathen, yes I have watched porn, way back in college days. Yeah it was fun, but I have no interest in watching porn, guess I'm a prude.

 

Wife left her phone with me while she was staying at her parents. On a hunch I checked to see if maybe she had other secret email accounts that she hasn't told me about. I went to yahoo and put in her phone number and sure enough she also had a secret yahoo email. She did have an "emotional" affair with a guy from Arizona. He even told her he thought he was falling in love with her. They planned on meeting and he told her that he was so happy to finally meet a woman that was open to his desires to explore sexually. She told him things about our marriage, she told him that I didn't appreciate her, that our sex was "boring" ect ect.

 

I don't know if they ever did meet in person, he would tell her how exciting it was making all the arrangements, hotel, rental car, ect ect, "it's all so exciting".

[aliveagain]

Time for a polygraph friend. When you see in writing that they are making plans to meet, hotel being booked, car rentals and all the other things required to get him there. Why did she not mention this guy when she was busted? If it were me I would book a polygraph and tell her a couple of days before. She helped him make travel plans, you do not have all the truth.

[kgcolonel]

Heathen, yes I have watched porn, way back in college days. Yeah it was fun, but I have no interest in watching porn, guess I'm a prude.

 

Wife left her phone with me while she was staying at her parents. On a hunch I checked to see if maybe she had other secret email accounts that she hasn't told me about. I went to yahoo and put in her phone number and sure enough she also had a secret yahoo email. She did have an "emotional" affair with a guy from Arizona. He even told her he thought he was falling in love with her. They planned on meeting and he told her that he was so happy to finally meet a woman that was open to his desires to explore sexually. She told him things about our marriage, she told him that I didn't appreciate her, that our sex was "boring" ect ect.

 

I don't know if they ever did meet in person, he would tell her how exciting it was making all the arrangements, hotel, rental car, ect ect, "it's all so exciting".

 

 

Zombie, what timeframe was this email exchange from, pre dday or post? Were you able to discuss this with her yet?

[usa1ah]

Time to pull the trigger Z. Send her a copy the the email exchange and let her know she has to stay at her moms.