RecentChange Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I just have to say - I know perhaps I am an outlier...... But with kids, years of history together, I don't know that "file today!!!" Is the best course of action. My husband confronted me. He didn't lay out any evidence, he simply asked "are you seeing someone else" and I was truthful with him - answered all of his questions with the ugly details. Went no contact that day, and ever since, and have fully invested myself in an attempt to repair the damage I had done. Infidelity does end many marriages, but many also survive, a few even thrive. She will probably be like many and deny and trickle truth (like my husband did when he cheated many years prior). I had the benefits of having been reading LS for some months before D Day, so I had a pretty good idea of how to handle things in a compassionate way (like taking 100% of the blame and responsibility). I agree with Central, thinking about what you want, before confronting my be helpful. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) Here's an idea: Let your anniversary / valentines day go without a mention....go pick up some slicks from a couple of apartment complexes and leave them out with the book, "Not just friends". Leave these in plain view. She'll have to ask and your response is: "I got these for you since you have chosen to betray the family, I'm now working on what's best for the family, you'll be served shortly" then crickets, do not be the first to speak after this exchange....I would go ahead and file for D. You can always stop the process but trust everyone here, standing your ground, do not every make requests such as the "pick me dance". She has broken your home, not you....her opportunity to show you her phone has come and gone...she now has had time to delete the pics and cover her tracts which if she's semi-intelligent she has done. Thank goodness, she's a lousy cheater leaving the evidence as clearly as she has and not being able to contain her reactions any better than what she's done. Sorry guy but all the wishing in the world will not reverse what she has done. Edited February 10, 2017 by kgcolonel 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 My husband confronted me. He didn't lay out any evidence, he simply asked "are you seeing someone else" and I was truthful with him - answered all of his questions with the ugly details. Went no contact that day, and ever since, and have fully invested myself in an attempt to repair the damage I had done. You realize that you're in the extreme minority with that reaction, right? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Phone records are not showing anything. Her calls are clean. She is smart so she is probably using a messaging app of some sorts. Also she switched to wifi calling default so those calls and texts are not showing any contact information, just the number of wifi and text calls. If she is send out the pics through a messaging app it will not show on the phone bill. If she has an iPhone and the other person has an iPhone, she can be using FaceTime audio for calls which wouldn't show up on the bill. iMessages wouldn't either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Thanks everyone for your input. I've been reading online all day about the different types of affairs. So the cyber affair is EA and the traditional is the PA. Emotional and Physical are the 2 types of affairs. So what is emotional about sending nudes and sexting? Seems stupid not emotional. Anyway my situation makes me think about the movie Old School, "you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a g%%damn magic show". That's similar to my story, think all is good, happy marriage great kids good sex no fighting about to go skiing ect ect. Come home early and catch your wife taking nude pics. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 You realize that you're in the extreme minority with that reaction, right? I do. That's why I said I am an outlier. But I think filing for divorce from the mother of your twins before a discussion has even taken place is a bit extreme as well. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Thanks everyone for your input. I've been reading online all day about the different types of affairs. So the cyber affair is EA and the traditional is the PA. Emotional and Physical are the 2 types of affairs. So what is emotional about sending nudes and sexting? Seems stupid not emotional. Anyway my situation makes me think about the movie Old School, "you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a g%%damn magic show". That's similar to my story, think all is good, happy marriage great kids good sex no fighting about to go skiing ect ect. Come home early and catch your wife taking nude pics. I'm really sorry you're going through this. Stay strong and don't back down. Demand she unlocks her phone or you're divorcing her. There is absolutely no reason for her to refuse you access to her phone. I took it upon myself to put my H's fingerprint in my phone many years ago in the event that there was some kind of emergency and he needed to get in my phone. I cannot fathom this level of secrecy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 We have 2 kids, boy and girl they are twins. I'm so heartbroken right now. I proposed to her on Valentine's day, which is almost here. This year it will mean nothing but pain and betrayal. Hopefully this is not real, and I'm crazy. The nudes are innocent and so are the apps the locked phone and her behavior. I know that is not the case, she is probably having either a cyber affair or traditional affair. I'm going to collect more before I confront again. Thanks for all your help. This is typical denial. You don't want to believe what everyone is seeing here. The next step is convincing yourself it's just an emotional affair. The problem is you're putting and keeping yourself in limbo hell until you wake up and deal with reality. Read your thread and pretend it's your brother or a close friend. What would you think or tell him? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 She is doing something, nude pics locked phone means it is sexual and probably some sort of an affair. I just discovered this and my head is spinning. It is not denial, I'm dealing with it. I just want to handle it correctly and have more information about the extent of what is going on. I appreciate all the input, you guys are helping me find the road to bring this to a head. Thank you so much. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
justastatistic Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Put a keylogger on your PC as well. You might pick up her passwords. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 She's having an affair. Period. Go see an attorney, ASAP. You don't have to file but you do want to understand your rights. Var in that car. PI if you can afford one. GPS as well. Write everything down. Why? Because she will lie lie lie. If LS is your diary, that's good. Remember the time she asked for Privacy? Once DDay happens, she'll be on her knees begging for forgiveness and agreeing for transparency. I know your head is spinning. Stay calm. Do not tip your hand. Google 180 and DARVO. Stay strong my friend. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I need some time to think this through. I want to know the extent of the betrayal before I decide anything. The vast majority of betrayed spouses that come to this site say the very same thing. They feel like you that they must know more before taking decisive action. As regulars to this site often see is that by waiting, the betrayed spouse allowed the cheater to go deeper in to the affair. I just saw one such betrayed spouse, where the affair went from an emotional affair (EA) to a physical affair (PA) in the short time between the weak confront and the strong I am divorcing you confront. Whereas before he was willing to forgive the EA, he is now not sure if he is willing to forgive the PA. Waiting thus increased his odds of divorce and gave him less if he does decide not to divorce. There is still a good chance that it has not yet reached the point where they are having physical sex. Take strong decisive action before things get worse. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 She's having an affair. Period. Go see an attorney, ASAP. You don't have to file but you do want to understand your rights. Var in that car. PI if you can afford one. GPS as well. Write everything down. Why? Because she will lie lie lie. If LS is your diary, that's good. Remember the time she asked for Privacy? Once DDay happens, she'll be on her knees begging for forgiveness and agreeing for transparency. I know your head is spinning. Stay calm. Do not tip your hand. Google 180 and DARVO. Stay strong my friend. Agree. And if you cannot afford an attorney, stop by a divorce attorney's office and grab a business card and purposely leave it out in plain view. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I do. That's why I said I am an outlier. But I think filing for divorce from the mother of your twins before a discussion has even taken place is a bit extreme as well. I think stepping out on the father of your twins without a discussion is extreme as well. Her response to getting busted taking the pics has already defined how the fallout from this will go. It's going to be a very ugly one. He needs to quickly gain the upper hand, whether he wants R or D. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 How old are your twins? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 She is doing something, nude pics locked phone means it is sexual and probably some sort of an affair. I just discovered this and my head is spinning. It is not denial, I'm dealing with it. I just want to handle it correctly and have more information about the extent of what is going on. I appreciate all the input, you guys are helping me find the road to bring this to a head. Thank you so much. You're like most you want proof. Sync her phone and use a recovery system on it. Many have great luck with VAR'S Confronting without evidence is normally fruitless 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 AnneP, the twins are 7. The twins and I are like peas and carrots. It could be I'm spending too much time focusing on them and not my marriage? We don't have family around so we only have one or two dates nights per year. I'm ok with that but maybe she is not? IDK, so many things are going through my head about why would she be doing this? Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Download WhatsApp ...that's he most popular messaging app.....you can see if she's "online" in it or when the" last seen" she was "online was". I watched my husband and his OW go back and forth all day on that app. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 ailed, Thanks for the tip on whatsapp, I loaded it earlier and couldn't find her o it. I did lookup her 'secret' skype and tango accounts. I didn't send her a request, I don't want her to know that I know she has those accounts. I'm taking the twins out this evening and my wife is going next door to have drinks with our neighbor. While we are out I'm going to stop and pick up the VAR at bestbuy. Hopefully that will give me some more information before Monday. I want this to come to head in the next few days. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Isn't what you already know enough? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Chances are if you get into her phone tonight she was smart and deleted most of it since you are on to her. Most people do not take nude pics for themselves though so she was taking them for someone. I was a fWW and took a lot of those for my OM. If you look through her pictures look at her deleted ones chances are some may be on there that you can ask about too. I hope you are able to find something because chances are something is going on. I am curious about her behavior, has she acted different at all either MORE loving - more sexual (this is due to guilt) or started pulling away completely? Has she been really happy lately or suddenly really pissed off? Typically, if she is cheating and there are feelings for OM, her behavior will go from one extreme to the other (not a lot of middle ground). Oh and the phone thing, you will notice it is literally attached at her hip (if she is cheating) i NEVER wanted to leave it anywhere by chance someone got into it. I slept with it under my pillow too. I sure hope you are wrong and this was all her attempt to do before and afters for weight loss challenges or something silly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I think he wants to know if it has gone physical yet and put his health at risk for STD's. Seems reasonable to me. Link to post Share on other sites
AnneP Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 AnneP, the twins are 7. The twins and I are like peas and carrots. It could be I'm spending too much time focusing on them and not my marriage? We don't have family around so we only have one or two dates nights per year. I'm ok with that but maybe she is not? IDK, so many things are going through my head about why would she be doing this? I have two younger kids as well. At 7, the kids are old enough to go to bed early one or two nights a week and the two of you could spend alone time - even if only at home. Maybe you started focusing on your kids when she stopped being interested in the marriage? Someone has to take care of them; she certainly seems a little preoccupied at the moment. Women don't take nude photos for ourselves. I've taken pics for me in my bra/panties to compare my body when working out. No woman sits around and takes "sex" posed nude photos for herself. How do you feel knowing she's sending nude pics out to at least one, and quite possibly more men? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 I know she took nude pics, will not unlock her phone and has 2 secret messaging apps Skype and Tango. Does that equal infidelity? Where there is smoke there is fire. I found the smoke and now I want to find the fire before I confront. If the hunt for the fire is unsuccessful then I will have a game plan ready to confront with what I know. I'm going to dig and watch her like a hawk the next few days. I'm going to confront on Valentine's day, the day I proposed. Hopefully I will have more evidence beforehand. This is driving me insane and there is no way I'm going to sit in limbo. I may end up confronting tonight, I can't bottle things up and bury my head in the sand. I see a problem I handle it right then. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Thanks everyone for your input. I've been reading online all day about the different types of affairs. So the cyber affair is EA and the traditional is the PA. Emotional and Physical are the 2 types of affairs. So what is emotional about sending nudes and sexting? Seems stupid not emotional. Anyway my situation makes me think about the movie Old School, "you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a g%%damn magic show". That's similar to my story, think all is good, happy marriage great kids good sex no fighting about to go skiing ect ect. Come home early and catch your wife taking nude pics. I've always thought EA as it's used on this forum can be very misleading. Many consider any affair that isn't physical to be an EA. But the fact is there are many cyber affairs that are purely sexual and don't really have the "Emotion" attached to it. It sounds like there is for sure a sexual aspect to this affair whether it's in person or online only, no one knows. And whether there is an emotional aspect again no one knows. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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