nude pics red flag??

[whichwayisup]

Find a neutral therapist, a marriage counseling that is actually going to help and not choose sides. Seems this current one is more there for your wife than you.

[Try]

I brought up what I found and how I feel about it to the therapist. I was told that I shouldn't talk about her betrayal at home, because I'm not trying to find a solution but instead trying to make her feel bad about herself. WTF!!!!!!!

Her telling you that you "shouldn't talk about her betrayal at home", is her telling you to only talk about it through her, thus trying to get you to commit to seeing her on a regular and long term basis. Unfortunately this may be a money play. Even if such a practice drives away the majority of people, the remaining people more than make up for it in her billings. Many therapist do not focus on the business side of what they do and more often then not focus on opening up communications between the parties; find on of them.

[bubbaganoosh]

Pull the trigger then. I might hurt like hell at first but the pain wil be less as time goes on.

 

With her there, all it does is bring up really bad mind movies and you'll never heal like that.

 

All the pain your going through is right in front of you 24/7. Doesn't matter if your sleeping in another bed, you still have to get up in the morning and there she is standing in front of you and soon after the pain comes back. In my opinion it isn't worth it.

 

You need to start healing and the only way to start is not having to revisit each and every ugly scene over and over again so file and get it over with.

[usa1ah]

Hey Z, I believe you are doing good, all things considered. Keep working on yourself and doing things with the twins. Once your head clears a little then it will be time to think about the future.

 

Have fun with the kiddo's this week.

[Sweetfish]

I have never done the sexting thing. Before I was married a woman that wanted to date me called and said "I'm unzipping your pants and pulling it out ..

...." She was wanting to have phone sex but I was not into it. Never crossed my mind to sext or send pics of my dic to my wife or anyone for that matter. I guess I'm a prude.

 

 

Sent you a PM

[Heathen]

I am curious if you ever watched porn and enjoyed it.

[merrmeade]

I am curious if you ever watched porn and enjoyed it.

.... which - even if he has - is a far cry from creating your own.

 

But about seeing your wife's therapist for MC: This is not the time to make demands on your good will and empathy. You have suffered trauma from the most egregious of injuries possible in a marriage by your wife's betrayal, and you're supposed to worry about hurting her feelings? Give me a break.

 

The mistake was even considering using your wife's T for MC. My T flat out told me it's not possible to do both and she would not consider it. She said either I would feel betrayed (by her) or he would not feel understood, and my IC would be over.

 

I have gradually changed my mind about when to pursue MC after infidelity because of my own experience and because of what I've read here. I haven't heard of anyone helped by entering into couples counseling right after discovery. I'd like to think the reason is that those who are helped don't have time for or need LS any more, but there's no way to test that theory.

 

Even the name - "marriage counseling" - says it all. Where's the marriage to counsel? It's blown up at the moment, dynamited by infidelity and so it's just too soon to work on you as a couple, if at all. Wouldn't any relationship be destroyed if one of the partners gave his time and passion to other interests that he knew were harmful to the partnership? If so, why would a cheated partner initiate mediation to repair the partnership first thing?

 

And besides the huge matter of mistrust, there are extrmely powerful but very different emotions that have left each individual fragile and confused. Betrayal is traumatizing, and shame can be debilitating for a while. But while they're the most volatile and consuming is not the time to work on rebuilding the union in my opinion. Work on the individual and what each of you wants and why. Until you're able to trust and listen, MC is worse than useless if the individuals are still in deep pain.

Edited March 30, 2017 by merrmeade

[S2B]

I have hired an attorney but haven't pulled the trigger yet. The session was pathetic, I brought up what I found and how I feel about it to the therapist. I was told that I shouldn't talk about her betrayal at home, because I'm not trying to find a solution but instead trying to make her feel bad about herself. WTF!!!!!!! I nearly walked out of the session after that bs. I'm trying to make her feel bad because she betrayed me??!! What about how I feel about it? I must suffer in silence??

 

I wish it was only a porn viewing addiction, I could get over no problem. This wasn't her watching random porn videos or pictures or erotica literature, it was with real men. It was communicating daily with real men, it was having online sex real time with real men. After reviewing her nude selfies there are many at the beginning that included her face, I guess she decided later on that including her face wasn't a smart idea and the photos she was sending at the end did not include her face.

 

I'm in limbo, not sharing a bed with her, sleeping with my dog and doing things with the twins. She is leaving for her parents this weekend and will stay with them next week. I will be alone with the twins so I had to make some arrangements with after school care while I'm working.

 

Looking forward to the source of my pain being out of the house for a bit.

 

You should ALWAYS be able to speak your truth and state how you feel at aNY time!

 

That counselor isn't going to help unless you're in that office 24/7 - which is impossible.

 

It's good your WW will be gone next week - maybe you will see how things can work when you're on your own. Hiring in a bit of help is a great idea.

 

Considering filing and serving her is even better.

 

Take some action to improve YOUR life. Your WWwill figure out her own deal - you need to look out for yourself and the kids right now.

[Unforseen]

.... which - even if he has - is a far cry from creating your own.

 

But about seeing your wife's therapist for MC: This is not the time to make demands on your good will and empathy. You have suffered trauma from the most egregious of injuries possible in a marriage by your wife's betrayal, and you're supposed to worry about hurting her feelings? Give me a break.

 

The mistake was even considering using your wife's T for MC. My T flat out told me it's not possible to do both and she would not consider it. She said either I would feel betrayed (by her) or he would not feel understood, and my IC would be over.

 

I have gradually changed my mind about when to pursue MC after infidelity because of my own experience and because of what I've read here. I haven't heard of anyone helped by entering into couples counseling right after discovery. I'd like to think the reason is that those who are helped don't have time for or need LS any more, but there's no way to test that theory.

 

Even the name - "marriage counseling" - says it all. Where's the marriage to counsel? It's blown up at the moment, dynamited by infidelity and so it's just too soon to work on you as a couple, if at all. Wouldn't any relationship be destroyed if one of the partners gave his time and passion to other interests that he knew were harmful to the partnership? If so, why would a cheated partner initiate mediation to repair the partnership first thing?

 

And besides the huge matter of mistrust, there are extrmely powerful but very different emotions that have left each individual fragile and confused. Betrayal is traumatizing, and shame can be debilitating for a while. But while they're the most volatile and consuming is not the time to work on rebuilding the union in my opinion. Work on the individual and what each of you wants and why. Until you're able to trust and listen, MC is worse than useless if the individuals are still in deep pain.

 

Because some of us are idiots and we're making decisions based on panic and not by way of rational thought. I was in some kind of survival mode where saving the marriage was the only thing that mattered. I was delusional and in denial and, for a time, was convinced the whole situation was my fault. While it did take the edge off and got me talking to my WW about how devastated I was without attempting to destroy her humanity.

 

On the down side, being an MC, the focus quickly changed to repairing the marriage and I went along with it. Don't get me wrong, that was an important thing, but it really marginalized my feelings and the need for my WW to prove herself.

 

There isn't an one size fits all solution to affairs and their aftermath. Things are generally working out for me and my WW but I think the end result was my suffering was needlessly extended for the sake of her feelings. No it wasn't fair and I didn't know any better. I just knew everything did not feel resolved to me. 18 months past D day and I'm finally working on getting what I need from my WW.

[BluesPower]

Because some of us are idiots and we're making decisions based on panic and not by way of rational thought. I was in some kind of survival mode where saving the marriage was the only thing that mattered. I was delusional and in denial and, for a time, was convinced the whole situation was my fault. While it did take the edge off and got me talking to my WW about how devastated I was without attempting to destroy her humanity.

 

On the down side, being an MC, the focus quickly changed to repairing the marriage and I went along with it. Don't get me wrong, that was an important thing, but it really marginalized my feelings and the need for my WW to prove herself.

 

There isn't an one size fits all solution to affairs and their aftermath. Things are generally working out for me and my WW but I think the end result was my suffering was needlessly extended for the sake of her feelings. No it wasn't fair and I didn't know any better. I just knew everything did not feel resolved to me. 18 months past D day and I'm finally working on getting what I need from my WW.

 

Many people have this experience...

 

Who are the MC's and where did they get their training? It is not just one MC, it is a host of them in every state in the US for sure.

 

Where did that concept come from? I wish I knew because I would punch the moron that started that concept about MC and infidelity in the mouth.

 

The first MC that we saw was fairly young female counselor. She started out with, "Well, what are the problems in the marriage that led to the affair..." I looked and her and said, "are you Fu***** kidding me?"

 

Then I proceeded to get up and leave the session that very second. Everyone was lucky that the MC was female at that point. Because if it had been a male counselor I would have gone to jail that day.

 

Where did that concept ever come from?

[zombiehead]

Heathen, yes I have watched porn, way back in college days. Yeah it was fun, but I have no interest in watching porn, guess I'm a prude.

 

Wife left her phone with me while she was staying at her parents. On a hunch I checked to see if maybe she had other secret email accounts that she hasn't told me about. I went to yahoo and put in her phone number and sure enough she also had a secret yahoo email. She did have an "emotional" affair with a guy from Arizona. He even told her he thought he was falling in love with her. They planned on meeting and he told her that he was so happy to finally meet a woman that was open to his desires to explore sexually. She told him things about our marriage, she told him that I didn't appreciate her, that our sex was "boring" ect ect.

 

I don't know if they ever did meet in person, he would tell her how exciting it was making all the arrangements, hotel, rental car, ect ect, "it's all so exciting".

[aliveagain]

Time for a polygraph friend. When you see in writing that they are making plans to meet, hotel being booked, car rentals and all the other things required to get him there. Why did she not mention this guy when she was busted? If it were me I would book a polygraph and tell her a couple of days before. She helped him make travel plans, you do not have all the truth.

[kgcolonel]

Heathen, yes I have watched porn, way back in college days. Yeah it was fun, but I have no interest in watching porn, guess I'm a prude.

 

Wife left her phone with me while she was staying at her parents. On a hunch I checked to see if maybe she had other secret email accounts that she hasn't told me about. I went to yahoo and put in her phone number and sure enough she also had a secret yahoo email. She did have an "emotional" affair with a guy from Arizona. He even told her he thought he was falling in love with her. They planned on meeting and he told her that he was so happy to finally meet a woman that was open to his desires to explore sexually. She told him things about our marriage, she told him that I didn't appreciate her, that our sex was "boring" ect ect.

 

I don't know if they ever did meet in person, he would tell her how exciting it was making all the arrangements, hotel, rental car, ect ect, "it's all so exciting".

 

 

Zombie, what timeframe was this email exchange from, pre dday or post? Were you able to discuss this with her yet?

[usa1ah]

Time to pull the trigger Z. Send her a copy the the email exchange and let her know she has to stay at her moms.

[Marc878]

Heathen, yes I have watched porn, way back in college days. Yeah it was fun, but I have no interest in watching porn, guess I'm a prude.

 

Wife left her phone with me while she was staying at her parents. On a hunch I checked to see if maybe she had other secret email accounts that she hasn't told me about. I went to yahoo and put in her phone number and sure enough she also had a secret yahoo email. She did have an "emotional" affair with a guy from Arizona. He even told her he thought he was falling in love with her. They planned on meeting and he told her that he was so happy to finally meet a woman that was open to his desires to explore sexually. She told him things about our marriage, she told him that I didn't appreciate her, that our sex was "boring" ect ect.

 

I don't know if they ever did meet in person, he would tell her how exciting it was making all the arrangements, hotel, rental car, ect ect, "it's all so exciting".

 

Wow, it just keeps coming. If it wasn't physical it wasn't far off

 

I'd send his emails to his wife just because

[zombiehead]

The emails were from April 2016. The communication stopped after talk for meeting in person. The emails started in January 2016 thru April. They were having Skype sex, sending pictures, and sext chat.

[zombiehead]

She came back yesterday. I wasn't happy to see her but the twins were glad she was home. They missed her.

 

I haven't said a word about finding this new secret yahoo email account. Does it really matter at this point? Why bring it up, she did it, it is a year old, and I'm leaning more towards divorce.

[bluefeather]

What's it going to take? You don't seem to have a clear idea of what your boundaries are.

[zombiehead]

I know my boundaries. She has crossed those boundaries. The decision now is whether to divorce or not. The twins is the only reason I considering R. I dont want to put them through a divorce, but I also don't want to be unhappy. Suck it up for them or free myself?

 

She is remorseful, off social media, and is getting professional help. She is trying, but I'm still angry and want to be away from her.

[DKT3]

I know my boundaries. She has crossed those boundaries. The decision now is whether to divorce or not. The twins is the only reason I considering R. I dont want to put them through a divorce, but I also don't want to be unhappy. Suck it up for them or free myself?

 

She is remorseful, off social media, and is getting professional help. She is trying, but I'm still angry and want to be away from her.

 

Some people just can't get past these things. It's better to divorce and hope you can show your kids an example of healthy happy divorced parents, than have them grow up in a home full of resentment anger and infidelity. Give yourself some time, it's still fresh, if you can't get past it you have to end it for the very reasons you're thinking of staying.... the kids

[starpower]

She is remorseful, off social media, and is getting professional help. She is trying, but I'm still angry and want to be away from her.

 

But she still is not being honest and transparent about what she has been up-to as those emails prove.

[bluefeather]

I know my boundaries. She has crossed those boundaries.

 

Well that's when you're supposed to separate. That is the point of boundaries!

 

The twins is the only reason I considering R. I dont want to put them through a divorce, but I also don't want to be unhappy.

 

It's not like that. If you continue with this, you will teach them how to live in an unhappy and unfaithful marriage.

[Cephalopod]

You cannot make any truly informed decision unless all the facts are laid out for both of you to go over. Expose what you found to her and see how she reacts.

[QuietDan]

The more you dig the more you find. After all of this and she is still trickle truthing you. Since you start this thread on a suspicion about sudden changes and recent behavioral changes in her actions and reactions, and catching her in the act with her picture taking on line activities, the evidence trail goes back to at least one year. I suspect it didn't just start all of a sudden out of the blue one year ago. However, you did discover her planning physical encounters then. Assuming that she was still trying to be careful and actively cover up and trying to destroy her digital activities, I suspect any Physical affairs and encounters were also being covered up. This more than likely goes back for years. Really high odds that she is actively having physical encounters. The way you described her relationship with her drinking partner, the neighbor probably knows alot if the details. Wouldn't be surprised if she was having regular 3 ways with them before heading home to take care of you.

[QuietDan]

This time frame, along with the possibilty that she may have had physical encounters in the past, leads to the possibility that that paternity of your children should be verrified. You should probably seriously consider getting a DNA test done on your children.