nude pics red flag??

[drifter777]

QuietDan and others have pointed out that the more you dig the more you find. With this latest discovery you've decided not to confront her about it. Like since it's been over for a year (?) why bring it up? If this is really the case, why in the hell don't you just stop digging already?

 

If a WW has multiple affairs - the physical kind - we call them serial cheaters. Most posters here and on other Infidelity sites pretty much agree that a serial cheater isn't going to stop. They need psychiatric help and then, maybe, they will be able to establish boundaries and stop using sex to feed their ego. But the treatment can take years and you & your marriage will be collateral damage to her continued cheating. Maybe others will help out here - if a woman is a serial EA cheater do they ever stop? Like stop cold-turkey? Or is it very much like a serial PA cheater?

[standtall]

Wow zombie....enough is enough.

 

You will never...never..ever be able to trust her again. If it was me in that situation, I would send her packing, and I don't even believe in divorce. Sheesh.

[Mr. Lucky]

The emails were from April 2016. The communication stopped after talk for meeting in person. The emails started in January 2016 thru April. They were having Skype sex, sending pictures, and sext chat.

 

At some point, there has to be a line in the sand - truth from this point forward to have any chance of recovering. It's the minimum a BS should require. It's hard enough getting over what you already know, surviving more bricks in the wall is simply not doable...

 

Mr. Lucky

[QuietDan]

Heathen, yes I have watched porn, way back in college days. Yeah it was fun, but I have no interest in watching porn, guess I'm a prude.

 

Wife left her phone with me while she was staying at her parents. On a hunch I checked to see if maybe she had other secret email accounts that she hasn't told me about. I went to yahoo and put in her phone number and sure enough she also had a secret yahoo email. She did have an "emotional" affair with a guy from Arizona. He even told her he thought he was falling in love with her. They planned on meeting and he told her that he was so happy to finally meet a woman that was open to his desires to explore sexually. She told him things about our marriage, she told him that I didn't appreciate her, that our sex was "boring" ect ect.

 

I don't know if they ever did meet in person, he would tell her how exciting it was making all the arrangements, hotel, rental car, ect ect, "it's all so exciting".

 

The only reason for her to be trying to manage the truth about this stuff at this point in the game and still be trying to hide her past and stay this secretive about this stuff at this point is that it gets a whole lot worse. If she is still trying to lie and cover up and not be forth coming about things given what she knows what you already know, she must believe the remaining truth would in fact be a total deal breaker.

 

So, let's say she is pretty good and careful about her activities. This is what didn't get deleted. For the most part, she probable was deleting things as she went along. The racier and more dangerous stuff, most likely to deleted with out fail. The tamer, more benign stuff is the get around to it stuff.

What percentage of stuff would have been routinely cleared out of history and erased as she went along. Say.... 90%? This is the changing/upgrading phone hick-ups, got interrupted, didn't get back to getting around to erase it stuff that got lost in the normal chaos of a busy life. Perhaps she found new more exiting stuff to get involved with and never got around to completely ending this one. Sort of one of those left over legacy get back to it, but, now the newest latest hottest available man on another site has got her interest and the other guy was starting to get boring after a few months.

Out of the remaining 10% of stuff floating around out there, the latest greatest stuff that wasn't part of her good clean and clear routine because she was actively playing around with it. It sounds like you have found about, maybe 60% of it?

This is the 60% of the 10% that she has been willing to face the music and come clean on. Still playing the only what you can prove game.

Since she sounds like she might be somewhat remorseful and for the moment regrets the past that you have found out, she is still trying to manage the truth that you know.

Why? If the other stuff is tamer, not as racy, wouldn't be easy to admit to and show good faith. Or, perhaps this is one of the few trees in the forest that she forgot about.

Or, if she has to reveal this, is she concerned that you might find other stuff that is far worse?

[MickeyBill]

The emails were from April 2016. The communication stopped after talk for meeting in person. The emails started in January 2016 thru April. They were having Skype sex, sending pictures, and sext chat.

 

Didn't she say once the OM got serious and personal she'd cut it off? Did she do that here?

 

She's got some 'splaining to do but it is before DDay so it's another old violation.

 

If you are leaning towards D this won't change things.

[sandylee1]

Bearing in mind she's destroyed the marriage, would she not be willing (through sheer guilt and shame), to reach a financial settlement with you, that doesn't cost an arm and a leg?

[Heathen]

This thread has so many twist and turns. On the outset, I believed your wife had a serious sex kink (exhibition) but she drew the line and maintained boundaries with no direct contact. It appeared your wife could not share her fantasies with you, so she took the next step and did it anonymously. Filming you was a serious breach, along with the frequency. The kink was out of control.

 

I would probably not marry a porn star, but I might entertain my SOs fantasies as long as it did not directly involve others. Women have some nice fantasies if you allow them to feel free to express them.

 

The recent revelation appears to be a EA. That does not appear to be a fantasy. At this point I don't think you will ever know the truth without a polygraph. Your rabbit hole just got deeper.

[QuietDan]

The problem is, this might be behavior stemming from childhood sexual abuse, or out of control sexual experimentation during adolescence, teenage years, or even late teens/early twenties.

She might be having a very difficult time controlling it, resisting it, managing it.

Is this an expression of a sort of uncontrolled obsessive compulsion, versus something that is a bit more in line with what is commonly covered through these threads.

I mean, many waywards start out dabbling with a relationship, that turns obsessive, addictive.

In this case, it still feels and sounds like some sort of sexual addiction/obsession that may occasionally drift into the emotional category. Almost like a mirror image of the typical female wayward.

[UpArrow]

Scorched earth bud. It's time. Use your resources to fight her dad for shared custody so you can help protect the twins from mom as the years go by.

 

She's gonna crazy one day in ways that are far from sexy.

 

Sorry for your heartache.

[jimmytwowheels]

I doubt you'll read all this, since you're experiencing a deluge of opinions.

 

 

I'll try to be brief. You need to pull the trigger and initiate a divorce, or man up and move into real procedures to salvage your marriage.

 

 

What you're doing right now, is understandable, but it's pointless and counterproductive.

 

 

You really are a zombie. You're just delving into more and more pain, reliving the agony, but not really accepting it.

 

 

Fact - your wife betrayed you. It doesn't actually matter what she did at this point. Be it physical, emotional or just internet porn. She betrayed your trust.

Fact - she is trying. Maybe she's just remorseful now that she's caught, but you have said she is remorseful and attempting to set things right.

 

 

If you want to stay, get her a new counsellor, get into marriage counselling, and have some strict, real conversations with her.

 

 

I get it, you're hurt, but right now you're just compounding the pain until you're paralyzed. Don't try to stay together for the kids, just make your decision based on what you can live with.

 

 

Personally, I would give her a shot. I would be heart broken to hell and back, but I'd give her a shot. The readiness with which she surrendered her phone implies to me a literal addiction and mental reliance on attention.

 

 

Again - pick one and move on it.

 

 

I've never been cheated on by my wife, but in the distant past a girlfriend did cheat on me, and it was goddam terrible. I know you're hurting, but you need to shut down your feelings a little, stop faffing around in her phone and make some decisions.

[Jersey born raised]

I am sorry to say that your wife has more then just a kink as I originally thought. To be clear early on you stated your wife cut contact with a OM when he attempted to make both an emotional and physical contact but this new revelation of a OM she wrote about meeting is yet another OM?

[Doorstopper]

I know I'm going to take some heat from this but:

 

If his wife has been honest with everything but this yahoo e-mail, Isn't it possible that she forgot about the yahoo e-mail? That relationship seemed to have progressed just like all the others, as soon as he mentioned meeting, it was broken off.

 

I do not remember the exact number, but wasn't it something like 80 guys in 18 months. That's about 5 different guys a months, forgetting about one is not a stretch of the imagination. And since she didn't seem to be terribly attached to anyone of these guys (even the yahoo guy was only 4 months), what's the point of saving someone for a year? A woman like this could go online and find any relationship with a new guy in 5 min.

 

If absolutely everything else checks out, and she answers truthfully to the specific question " Did you ever have a yahoo e-mail account? " this incident might be worth giving a pass.

 

But, In spite of all this a polygraph is in order. A no to that request might be a telling sign.

 

But as the others have said, as hard as it is, you need to start moving forward in one direction or the other.

[kgcolonel]

I know I'm going to take some heat from this but:

 

If his wife has been honest with everything but this yahoo e-mail, Isn't it possible that she forgot about the yahoo e-mail? That relationship seemed to have progressed just like all the others, as soon as he mentioned meeting, it was broken off.

 

I do not remember the exact number, but wasn't it something like 80 guys in 18 months. That's about 5 different guys a months, forgetting about one is not a stretch of the imagination. And since she didn't seem to be terribly attached to anyone of these guys (even the yahoo guy was only 4 months), what's the point of saving someone for a year? A woman like this could go online and find any relationship with a new guy in 5 min.

 

If absolutely everything else checks out, and she answers truthfully to the specific question " Did you ever have a yahoo e-mail account? " this incident might be worth giving a pass.

 

But, In spite of all this a polygraph is in order. A no to that request might be a telling sign.

 

But as the others have said, as hard as it is, you need to start moving forward in one direction or the other.

 

 

Frankly, i was thinking the same thing, that's why i was asking about the date stamp. Seems she had not accessed it of a year or so.....

[merrmeade]

QuietDan and others have pointed out that the more you dig the more you find. With this latest discovery you've decided not to confront her about it. Like since it's been over for a year (?) why bring it up? If this is really the case, why in the hell don't you just stop digging already?

 

If a WW has multiple affairs - the physical kind - we call them serial cheaters. Most posters here and on other Infidelity sites pretty much agree that a serial cheater isn't going to stop. They need psychiatric help and then, maybe, they will be able to establish boundaries and stop using sex to feed their ego. But the treatment can take years and you & your marriage will be collateral damage to her continued cheating. Maybe others will help out here - if a woman is a serial EA cheater do they ever stop? Like stop cold-turkey? Or is it very much like a serial PA cheater?

Only a WW? What about a WM? Know about serial cheaters but guess it's irrelevant here.

[zombiehead]

Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate the input and help.

 

I'm still angry and not sure what direction to take. We are still sleeping apart and my wife asks me daily if I love her. I hate the question, I feel like she is trying to manipulate me. I just respond with I don't want to discuss my feelings towards you.

 

I've been spending more time with the twins, we have been mountain biking nearly every week without my wife. I feel better when she is not around and when I see her I just see the porn selfies, the XXX messaging. Not sure if I will be able to get past it.

[harrybrown]

Did you ask her about the email account you found?

[zombiehead]

The guy on her yahoo email also sent several jack-off videos. I never thought I would be opening jack-off emails that men were sending to my wife.

 

It's like I woke up in a nightmare. It seems so unreal at times. I guess I never knew who my wife really was.

[sandylee1]

I find it hard to see how your marriage, or one where such a depth of betrayal can ever be the same ... Or even be a marriage that you could ever feel safe in

 

Your response to her question of whether you love her is a good one. You could also try to "I honestly don't know"

[BaileyB]

Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate the input and help.

 

I'm still angry and not sure what direction to take. We are still sleeping apart and my wife asks me daily if I love her. I hate the question, I feel like she is trying to manipulate me. I just respond with I don't want to discuss my feelings towards you.

 

I've been spending more time with the twins, we have been mountain biking nearly every week without my wife. I feel better when she is not around and when I see her I just see the porn selfies, the XXX messaging. Not sure if I will be able to get past it.

 

I read your update, and I just can't help but think that there are so many good women out there would would be very happy to give you the love you want without all this baggage... Your wife had her opportunity, and she lost it. I'm sure, based in what you've written, that you would find more happiness on your own or in another relationship.

[drifter777]

Are you working on the assumption that she's still sexting with someone? You really should. Sex addicts can't stay away from their "drug of choice" - in your wife's case that's sexting - just because their SO busts them. I would bet a good deal of money that it's still going on.

 

Maybe your wife can beat this thing but it's gonna be tough & take a long time. Does she even understand she has a problem? Do you?

[QuietDan]

Are you working on the assumption that she's still sexting with someone? You really should. Sex addicts can't stay away from their "drug of choice" - in your wife's case that's sexting - just because their SO busts them. I would bet a good deal of money that it's still going on.

 

Maybe your wife can beat this thing but it's gonna be tough & take a long time. Does she even understand she has a problem? Do you?

 

I'm not sure that this is something you can beat.

It is more of a case of finding a way to redirect and channel this into something that is acceptable and workable for both spouses.

Redirect and channel the activities into something that isn't a deal breaker.

In a situation like this, for the marriage to stay alive and function, both spouses will need to find a way to re-negotiate the sexual side of the relationship. They will also need to find a way to change the erotic template that each of them function off of.

This will probable always be a issue for her as a temptation.

[Jersey born raised]

Perhaps the answer to "do you still love me" is to rephrase the question to her as "can I live with this in the past and still move forward with you in the future, if so how"?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate the input and help.

 

I'm still angry and not sure what direction to take. We are still sleeping apart and my wife asks me daily if I love her. I hate the question, I feel like she is trying to manipulate me. I just respond with I don't want to discuss my feelings towards you.

 

I've been spending more time with the twins, we have been mountain biking nearly every week without my wife. I feel better when she is not around and when I see her I just see the porn selfies, the XXX messaging. Not sure if I will be able to get past it.

 

At this point Love has nothing or little to do with it. How many couples love each other but still get divorced? How many spouses love their mate but still cheat? When infidelity occurs in a marriage divorce is not based on love (or lack of), it based on all of the other collateral damaged caused by the WS.

 

Endurance sports has been my outlet for many years. I go mountain biking every weekend to get grounded and burn off any angst.

[Cephalopod]

The guy on her yahoo email also sent several jack-off videos. I never thought I would be opening jack-off emails that men were sending to my wife.

 

It's like I woke up in a nightmare. It seems so unreal at times. I guess I never knew who my wife really was.

 

My wife was serial cheater just like yours. I pursued divorce immediately when it was clear she was not remorseful nor wanting to reconcile. After I got over the anger and devastation, what was left was a dirty feeling. I just felt dirty and unclean having lived and loved a cheap, sleazy, disgusting woman.

 

I imagine that is how you feel: just disgusted and appalled by your WW's sleaziness. Believe me, I know that sickening feeling of revulsion quite well. Women like your wife who expose themselves to dozens of men are a whole different form of nasty.

[drifter777]

zombie - you don't owe us anything but a quick update on how you are doing would be appreciated.