usa1ah Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Hey Z, you have told us the answer a few times now. You are happy when you WW is not around. Spend you time with the twins and have fun. I don't see how you can save this. Sorry man. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 Did you file for divorce yet? You can't make this better...you're wife has severe issues you can't fix and won't likely get better for many years even with intensive therapy. Do you know where YOUR healthy boundary is? What does that look like FOR YOU? Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted April 12, 2017 Share Posted April 12, 2017 I find it hard to see how your marriage, or one where such a depth of betrayal can ever be the same ... Or even be a marriage that you could ever feel safe in The marriage will never "be the same" and he will never "feel safe" in it. The only question is if the OP can stay in the marriage long enough for his children to get older. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 Not much to update. Sleeping separate, she is "working" on herself with IC. I told her she needs to find a full time job asap. The attorney said it would be better for me financially if she is working full time. I haven't decided what I want. I love her but I'm not sure if she is safe or if it would be mentally healthy to stay with her. Seeing her face is a trigger so it is hard to look her in the eye. Sex with her would be another giant obstacle to overcome. I love cigars but I gave them up 13 years ago because tobacco is unhealthy, that seems like how this marriage is turning out. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Not much to update. Sleeping separate, she is "working" on herself with IC. I told her she needs to find a full time job asap. The attorney said it would be better for me financially if she is working full time. I haven't decided what I want. I love her but I'm not sure if she is safe or if it would be mentally healthy to stay with her. Seeing her face is a trigger so it is hard to look her in the eye. Sex with her would be another giant obstacle to overcome. I love cigars but I gave them up 13 years ago because tobacco is unhealthy, that seems like how this marriage is turning out. I'm stunned you actually still refer to this as a "marriage". It hasn't been a marriage fora long time. She's made it a farce/a sham. I think YOU need to be the one doing counseling every week. That would help YOU have a boundary - process what has been a deceitful union - and what YOU need from any relationship. Please hurry - you need serious help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Not much to update. Sleeping separate, she is "working" on herself with IC. I told her she needs to find a full time job asap. The attorney said it would be better for me financially if she is working full time. I haven't decided what I want. I love her but I'm not sure if she is safe or if it would be mentally healthy to stay with her. Seeing her face is a trigger so it is hard to look her in the eye. Sex with her would be another giant obstacle to overcome. I love cigars but I gave them up 13 years ago because tobacco is unhealthy, that seems like how this marriage is turning out. What you have is way more unhealthy than cigars. The pain and loathing will tear you down physically far more than a bit of smoke and nicotine will. Have you undergone any counseling at all? You sound stuck. That is no place to be friend. You need to start some forward motion towards healing yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
here222 Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 ZH I have been following you from the beginning and joined just to reply to all that you are dealing with and I know it is a lot. Most want you to dump and move on and in the very end it might be where you end up. I also know you have some very good things out of your marriage meaning your twins. So my advice would be to let your wife put in the work and as long as you feel she is not slacking, hang in there and give it time. You have got that in your favor. If she slips then you will have what you need to move on but please give it your best effort even tho most will tell you she don't deserve it. All of this is based on her not having physical contact with anyone. That would be the game changer. Link to post Share on other sites
Heathen Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 I think you need to determine if there was physical contact, before you go any further. You should tell her you will request a polygraph to find out if there was a physical affair at any time during your marriage. Observe her immediate response. If she jumps on the opportunity, then you know what you are dealing with. IF she acts defiant, breaks out the tears, blameshifts or refuses, then your story is not complete. It may do you no good and the porn may be enough to divorce, but you should find out the whole truth. And soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted April 14, 2017 Author Share Posted April 14, 2017 I'm going to talk with her tonight about the yahoo account and the "little plan" to meet the guy from Arizona. She cries often actually daily. When she was having her fun she was happy, bouncing around with joy, since I found out she is sad amd depressed. If it was porn I could get over it, but it was real men, one was definitely emotional, planned meeting, porn selfies, skype sex, jack-off videos, and heavy constant sex messaging. She even filmed us for a guy to see. She tells me that she loves me and I'm her "best friend". Not looking forward to discussing the yahoo account with her. I dont like talking about it with her. If she did meet that guy from Arizona she will lie. Demanding that she takes a polygraph could get her to speak the truth. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 How did the talk go zombie? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 I'm going to talk with her tonight about the yahoo account and the "little plan" to meet the guy from Arizona. She cries often actually daily. When she was having her fun she was happy, bouncing around with joy, since I found out she is sad amd depressed. If it was porn I could get over it, but it was real men, one was definitely emotional, planned meeting, porn selfies, skype sex, jack-off videos, and heavy constant sex messaging. She even filmed us for a guy to see. She tells me that she loves me and I'm her "best friend". Not looking forward to discussing the yahoo account with her. I dont like talking about it with her. If she did meet that guy from Arizona she will lie. Demanding that she takes a polygraph could get her to speak the truth. Why bother? She's not trustworthy and doesn't hand you any peace of mind. Why not seek help with your delusions? Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 Hi Zombie, sorry to see that you are still here. With all that has transpired and your disgust with your wife's actions and behaviour, I would think think that you would be very clear in your mind as to what you want to do and what your course of action should be. However, it is obvious that you are dithering and not wanting to burn your boats and move on with your life. You are still hoping for a miracle to happen so that you wake up tomorrow and realize that this has been a bad dream and your wife is actually an innocent and unsullied woman of pure thought and actions. You can then go on with your life as before with this 'Bad fream' in your rest view mirror. If that has been your line of thought then I would suggest that you cut to the chase, accept your wife for who she is and try to erase this 'Bad dream' from yourind as best you can. Live your life whichever way you can and just suck it up as far as your wife's proclivities for having phone and video sex with a bunch of strange men, and shamelessly video taping the two of you having sex to send as amateur porn to some beau of hers and so on so forth. What is the point of dithering if you have decided deep down that you are going to reconcile with your WW come what may? Let her be happy that she had been able to pull one over you. Better still give her your permission to continue doing what she was doing so that at least one party in the so called marriage is happy and getting their kicks. You can live with it. You have been given sterling advice by any number of people but you have still not been able to make up your mind to dump your truant wife. I do not think there is anything much more that can be said to convince you about your wife's undesirebility to continue as your spouse. If that is how it is go8ng to be then so be it. Warm wishes to you on whatever you choose to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
here222 Posted April 16, 2017 Share Posted April 16, 2017 ZH I hope your talk with your wife went well and nothing more came up. I know you love your girls very much and earlier you said you loved your wife so I really hope that she works very hard on making herself well and that if possible you will have the ability to help her get there. I hope that you both want the same thing, a safe and loving home and marriage for the family that you both have. You can tell that I am not as negative as most folks on here because I want your family to be happy together. God Bless your decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted April 19, 2017 Author Share Posted April 19, 2017 I asked her about the yahoo account and the guy from Arizona and their little plan to meet. She said she stopped communicating when he started pushing aggressively to meet in person. Also she forgot about the yahoo account that is why she didn't tell me about it. I believe that she forgot because there has been no activity in it since April 2016. That guy emailed her in December 2016 but she didn't respond and the email was unread when I got into the account. Anyway, she says that she is disgusted with her behavior, and said she was addicted to sexting and the attention. Now that she has stopped she says that looking back makes her sick, she is horrified about what she has done and has no desire to ever do that again, even if I divorce her she will not go back to that lifestyle. She wishes she could go back and change the past. blah blah blah!!! Here is a list of her statements about her 18 months of online cheating. 1. I was addicted and couldn't stop. 2. I wish I could change the past. 3. I have no desire to ever do that again, even if we split up. 4. It was fake not real. 5. I don't want to do the things (sex acts) I said, I was only telling them what they wanted to hear. 6. We have been together a long time, this was a minor bump, not significant in the grand scheme of things??? (this is crap) 7. I never had a physical affair, there are many couples that do, which is worse and they are able to overcome and save the marriage. (again this is crap) 8. If you did it I wouldn't leave you. She has a job interview today, I hope she gets it. We are still sleeping apart, I don't want to touch her, hold her, nothing. She has hurt my pride as a man, betrayed my trust, lied to my face repeatedly. I don't trust her, I don't know if she is just telling me what I want to hear like she said she did for her affair partners. I don't know the real her. How can you do that for 18 months unless that is the real you? 18 months is a long time, what your daily habits are in the time span is really who you are? If you get drunk twice a year, then you are not an alcoholic, however if you get drunk every day for 18 months, then yes you are an alcoholic. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 I asked her about the yahoo account and the guy from Arizona and their little plan to meet. She said she stopped communicating when he started pushing aggressively to meet in person. Also she forgot about the yahoo account that is why she didn't tell me about it. I believe that she forgot because there has been no activity in it since April 2016. That guy emailed her in December 2016 but she didn't respond and the email was unread when I got into the account. Anyway, she says that she is disgusted with her behavior, and said she was addicted to sexting and the attention. Now that she has stopped she says that looking back makes her sick, she is horrified about what she has done and has no desire to ever do that again, even if I divorce her she will not go back to that lifestyle. She wishes she could go back and change the past. blah blah blah!!! Here is a list of her statements about her 18 months of online cheating. 1. I was addicted and couldn't stop. 2. I wish I could change the past. 3. I have no desire to ever do that again, even if we split up. 4. It was fake not real. 5. I don't want to do the things (sex acts) I said, I was only telling them what they wanted to hear. 6. We have been together a long time, this was a minor bump, not significant in the grand scheme of things??? (this is crap) 7. I never had a physical affair, there are many couples that do, which is worse and they are able to overcome and save the marriage. (again this is crap) 8. If you did it I wouldn't leave you. She has a job interview today, I hope she gets it. We are still sleeping apart, I don't want to touch her, hold her, nothing. She has hurt my pride as a man, betrayed my trust, lied to my face repeatedly. I don't trust her, I don't know if she is just telling me what I want to hear like she said she did for her affair partners. I don't know the real her. How can you do that for 18 months unless that is the real you? 18 months is a long time, what your daily habits are in the time span is really who you are? If you get drunk twice a year, then you are not an alcoholic, however if you get drunk every day for 18 months, then yes you are an alcoholic. OK, some of this may be progress... And I say MAY be progress. Has she read any of the stuff online like how to help your spouse heal from the affair? The places that you say "this is crap", you are correct in every way. She does not understand the full depth of her betrayal yet. She needs to figure that out. You can point her to the stuff she needs to read, but you cannot make her drink water. Those parts that you point out, are her way of minimizing what she has done. I don't know if it malicious or not. She may just not realize. If your marriage is to work out, SHE has to figure all of this stuff out. She has to do the heavy lifting. I am not sure that she understands that. On the bright side, you don't really have to decide what to do right now. As long as she has stopped and you can confirm this, you don't have to make a decision right now. Take a breath and see what she does. But do fill her in on the things that she needs to be reading. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
here222 Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 ZH Time will help things settle. But some where down the line, and a lot of work you will come up with your answer. I really do hope it works out and you find peace. I think after your latest update you at least have hope. Remind yourself and your wife why you both got married and ask if each of you want to continue the very long road ahead. I wish you the best on your decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 I don't recall you mentioning, but have you been to a lawyer for a consult? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 Man, getting over infidelity seems impossible. Her betrayal is on mind constantly, it never goes away, even when I dream. How can I free myself from this mental hell? I try not to think about it and focus on other things but that doesnt last long and my mind goes right back. Cheating on your spouse is probably the worse thing you can do to them. . 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 That's why it's called the gift that keeps on giving Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 How can I free myself from this mental hell? Send her packing. Her presence is what is triggering you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 If the roles were reversed would she be acting like you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Man, getting over infidelity seems impossible. Her betrayal is on mind constantly, it never goes away, even when I dream. How can I free myself from this mental hell? I try not to think about it and focus on other things but that doesnt last long and my mind goes right back. Cheating on your spouse is probably the worse thing you can do to them. It might be that getting over infidelity is impossible. It depends on your definition of "getting over". At any rate, it takes a long, long time to reconcile and it might end up in divorce anyway. However, as others have suggested, divorce gives you nearly instant relief from triggers because you don't have to see her face all the time. You don't have to listen to her bull$hit and you can focus on your personal healing. IMO a BH should lean heavily toward divorce until something convinces him that he has a good chance to reconcile. Like all of a sudden he notices that he hardly ever thinks about the sexual component of her cheating and, when he does, the mind movies are not as painful and go away fairly quickly. Other than that I think every BH will be further ahead - as will his WW - if he chooses divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Hi Zombie, I guess there are a few cases where reconciliation after infidelity by one's spouse is possible inspite of the awful pain that the BS goes through. One such case is that of the John Adams. Another is that of DKT3 and LovinDKT3. Any such case has been possible because the WS has displayed deep remorse, has usually confessed instead of being ratted out and has, most importantly, done the 'Heavy Lifting' as it is referred to here on this forum which means fundamentally, that the WS does the hard labour of working to heal the BS and the relationship while suffering themselves, all the while maintaining a facade of equanimity and quiet confidence that things will work out in the end. There are other folk on here who can give you a much more pertinent example based on personal experience as to what is involved as far as the WS is concerned. Suffice it to say that the above guidelines should enable you to assess as to whether reconciliation with your wife is genuinely possible or not. You may have read accounts of false reconciliations posted by many people here. That is a pitfall that is best avoided as it will only lead to greater pain and suffering on your part while eventually leading to a divorce which is something that you can implement right now. I am not going to coax you one way or the other about what you should do or not do. You are the best judge of that. However, you have all the opinions, guidelines and advice by so many good folk here who would like to see you emerge from this terrible mess in as happy and stable a condition as may be possible in the circumstances. Whatever decision you make do so carefully with all the facts at your command on the table in front of you. I do hope sincerely that you decide wisely. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
here222 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 ZH I know you are struggling with all you are dealing with and you say it is hard to get past all of turmoil of your wife sharing herself online. If she continues doing the work then you need to start working on getting back to physical contact in some way. I think if you can do this it will tell you a lot about if this marriage will work. If you do not see yourself doing the physical contact part, you have some of your answer. Do you see yourself with another woman in your life that would make you happier than you were before all of this? You do know your wife was and is still sick, but is she worth the help to make her well again? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Man, getting over infidelity seems impossible. Her betrayal is on mind constantly, it never goes away, even when I dream. How can I free myself from this mental hell? I try not to think about it and focus on other things but that doesnt last long and my mind goes right back. Cheating on your spouse is probably the worse thing you can do to them. . It doesn't ever go away. It becomes a part of your story (with or without your WS). You're still in the early, and very painful, phase of this long path. Whether you chose to divorce or reconcile, at some point you will reach the Acceptance phase. Acceptance means that the "how could she?" questions dissipate and you accept that she did cheat; accept that she is fallible. You accept that we are all fallible. Many years later I still think about it. You can't escape the reminders out in the world unless you become a hermit living off the grid. At some point (not soon) you will think about it without the pain and raw emotion. I believe that BS's get to that point sooner if they divorce and move on without the WS. Forgiving and reconciling takes longer to accomplish than forgiving and leaving. Either way it is a sh! sandwich that you are forced to eat. The aftertaste doesn't ever go away completely. Yeah, it's one of the worst things you can do to somebody, especially to someone you supposedly love and cherish. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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