Author zombiehead Posted April 21, 2017 Author Posted April 21, 2017 Man, getting over infidelity seems impossible. Her betrayal is on mind constantly, it never goes away, even when I dream. How can I free myself from this mental hell? I try not to think about it and focus on other things but that doesnt last long and my mind goes right back. Cheating on your spouse is probably the worse thing you can do to them. . 4
Marc878 Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 That's why it's called the gift that keeps on giving
Cephalopod Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 How can I free myself from this mental hell? Send her packing. Her presence is what is triggering you. 2
Bryanp Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 If the roles were reversed would she be acting like you? 1
drifter777 Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Man, getting over infidelity seems impossible. Her betrayal is on mind constantly, it never goes away, even when I dream. How can I free myself from this mental hell? I try not to think about it and focus on other things but that doesnt last long and my mind goes right back. Cheating on your spouse is probably the worse thing you can do to them. It might be that getting over infidelity is impossible. It depends on your definition of "getting over". At any rate, it takes a long, long time to reconcile and it might end up in divorce anyway. However, as others have suggested, divorce gives you nearly instant relief from triggers because you don't have to see her face all the time. You don't have to listen to her bull$hit and you can focus on your personal healing. IMO a BH should lean heavily toward divorce until something convinces him that he has a good chance to reconcile. Like all of a sudden he notices that he hardly ever thinks about the sexual component of her cheating and, when he does, the mind movies are not as painful and go away fairly quickly. Other than that I think every BH will be further ahead - as will his WW - if he chooses divorce. 2
Just a Guy Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Hi Zombie, I guess there are a few cases where reconciliation after infidelity by one's spouse is possible inspite of the awful pain that the BS goes through. One such case is that of the John Adams. Another is that of DKT3 and LovinDKT3. Any such case has been possible because the WS has displayed deep remorse, has usually confessed instead of being ratted out and has, most importantly, done the 'Heavy Lifting' as it is referred to here on this forum which means fundamentally, that the WS does the hard labour of working to heal the BS and the relationship while suffering themselves, all the while maintaining a facade of equanimity and quiet confidence that things will work out in the end. There are other folk on here who can give you a much more pertinent example based on personal experience as to what is involved as far as the WS is concerned. Suffice it to say that the above guidelines should enable you to assess as to whether reconciliation with your wife is genuinely possible or not. You may have read accounts of false reconciliations posted by many people here. That is a pitfall that is best avoided as it will only lead to greater pain and suffering on your part while eventually leading to a divorce which is something that you can implement right now. I am not going to coax you one way or the other about what you should do or not do. You are the best judge of that. However, you have all the opinions, guidelines and advice by so many good folk here who would like to see you emerge from this terrible mess in as happy and stable a condition as may be possible in the circumstances. Whatever decision you make do so carefully with all the facts at your command on the table in front of you. I do hope sincerely that you decide wisely. Warm wishes.
here222 Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 ZH I know you are struggling with all you are dealing with and you say it is hard to get past all of turmoil of your wife sharing herself online. If she continues doing the work then you need to start working on getting back to physical contact in some way. I think if you can do this it will tell you a lot about if this marriage will work. If you do not see yourself doing the physical contact part, you have some of your answer. Do you see yourself with another woman in your life that would make you happier than you were before all of this? You do know your wife was and is still sick, but is she worth the help to make her well again? 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Man, getting over infidelity seems impossible. Her betrayal is on mind constantly, it never goes away, even when I dream. How can I free myself from this mental hell? I try not to think about it and focus on other things but that doesnt last long and my mind goes right back. Cheating on your spouse is probably the worse thing you can do to them. . It doesn't ever go away. It becomes a part of your story (with or without your WS). You're still in the early, and very painful, phase of this long path. Whether you chose to divorce or reconcile, at some point you will reach the Acceptance phase. Acceptance means that the "how could she?" questions dissipate and you accept that she did cheat; accept that she is fallible. You accept that we are all fallible. Many years later I still think about it. You can't escape the reminders out in the world unless you become a hermit living off the grid. At some point (not soon) you will think about it without the pain and raw emotion. I believe that BS's get to that point sooner if they divorce and move on without the WS. Forgiving and reconciling takes longer to accomplish than forgiving and leaving. Either way it is a sh! sandwich that you are forced to eat. The aftertaste doesn't ever go away completely. Yeah, it's one of the worst things you can do to somebody, especially to someone you supposedly love and cherish. 1
Author zombiehead Posted April 21, 2017 Author Posted April 21, 2017 Thanks everyone, sincerely appreciate all the input, it is helping me tremendously. Thanks again. 4
alsudduth Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Thanks everyone, sincerely appreciate all the input, it is helping me tremendously. Thanks again. Hi ZH - sometimes just deciding what to do can be a huge relief. I am always debating with myself on one decision or another. It has made me miserable in the past. I recently found out my H has lied to me about details of an A he had 3 years ago - I spent a few days crying and yelling at my H and wondering what I should do about the new information....and then an epiphany. I made a decision to make a decision. (For me it was to stay with my H and continue with the progress we've made) But once I decided to decide and made a decision, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulder...and honestly when I told my husband that I wanted to continue with our forward progress, I think it was a weight lifted off his shoulders also....we have been in a much better place because we are no longer wallowing back on forth on the "to stay or not to stay" train. Sounds like it's time for you to make a decision one way or the other. Don't be afraid, for whatever you choose, you are going to be OK. She is going to be OK. and your kids are going to be OK. 1
BTDT2012 Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Hi ZH - sometimes just deciding what to do can be a huge relief. I am always debating with myself on one decision or another. It has made me miserable in the past. I recently found out my H has lied to me about details of an A he had 3 years ago - I spent a few days crying and yelling at my H and wondering what I should do about the new information....and then an epiphany. I made a decision to make a decision. (For me it was to stay with my H and continue with the progress we've made) But once I decided to decide and made a decision, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulder...and honestly when I told my husband that I wanted to continue with our forward progress, I think it was a weight lifted off his shoulders also....we have been in a much better place because we are no longer wallowing back on forth on the "to stay or not to stay" train. Sounds like it's time for you to make a decision one way or the other. Don't be afraid, for whatever you choose, you are going to be OK. She is going to be OK. and your kids are going to be OK. And remember that everyone won't agree with your decision. And you don't have to justify it to anyone.
lolablue17 Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Man, getting over infidelity seems impossible. Her betrayal is on mind constantly, it never goes away, even when I dream. How can I free myself from this mental hell? I try not to think about it and focus on other things but that doesnt last long and my mind goes right back. Cheating on your spouse is probably the worse thing you can do to them. . Well, when I was younger, I used to find it hard to accept that the world isn't perfect. For me it was like "a promise is a promise", "a vow is a vow", "100% honesty or nothing" and all other great values I've kept and despised people who didn't. Years went by, and today I can me much more forgivable for people's weaknesses, or disadvantages. I also know that it's not all about me, especially i know the the world wasn't created just to fulfill my needs. I'm no longer the perfectionist man like I used to be. When something goes not as I expect it to go, I'm no longer stunned, or in shock. I take it as a test, to see how strong i am. Will I survive a nuclear war? Well, how could I survived a nuclear war if I cannot survive regular difficulties of life, and infidelity is very common, so it can be defined as a "regular difficulty". You had a picture of your wife in your mind. This perfect picture is no longer exists. You haven't accepted that yet. You're still resenting reality, claiming your old picture back. How come you didn't have a tiny clue about your wife having a secret world for so long? It's because you weren't focused in reality, but in a fake image of what you thought life should be. What I'm saying is you are so hurt now, not only because of the infidelity alone. You experience a crisis, in which your whole perception of life has crashed. In anyway you shouldn't take any responsibility for your your wife's cheating. But right now you refuse to take responsibility for your wrong perception and worldview. When you start looking at your wife as a weak poor human being, AS HERSELF, and not as you wrongly decided she must be, then you'll start the healing process (long and painful as it can be). And it doesn't matter if you stay or not. It's about you realizing some complexities of life. 2
road Posted April 21, 2017 Posted April 21, 2017 Man, getting over infidelity seems impossible. Her betrayal is on mind constantly, it never goes away, even when I dream. How can I free myself from this mental hell? I try not to think about it and focus on other things but that doesnt last long and my mind goes right back. Cheating on your spouse is probably the worse thing you can do to them. . This is why once all your questions about the affair have been answered the affair should not be talked about. All the talking will do is to keep the affair memories fresh in your brain instead of them slowly fading with time. Time. It takes the BH six months for their brain to sort out that his WW had an affair. Then the next six months the BH enters the anger phase. That phase will last up to six months. Now it is one year since D day. As you can see not much healing has gotten done. This is why recovery from an affair takes two to five years. Also to those that want to trickle truth the BH. Go ahead and lie. The problem is every time some new truth gets found, discovered, learned, it is as if the BH just had a new D day. So the recovery clock gets re-set back to zero. So that year of healing has just been totally undone. Making recovery that much longer to get done.
Space Ritual Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 (edited) Zombie, First off I wanted to let you know I read this thread in it's entirety. I don't come to this side too often because it tends to trigger me to go to places I don't want to go and memories I don't wish to have. But after Jersey Born mentioned to this thread and I saw the multitude of pages I decided to see what the was going on. Some of the advice you have received on this thread has been great. Some of it has not, but like any advice dispensed here, including anything I write, take what you need and leave the rest. I think you can tell by the reception you have received that all of us are horrified by what happened to you. You are truly living a nightmare. And I cannot express enough the empathy feel for you. In a forum where most of the infidelity stories seem to start and progress the same way, yours is truly a unique, albeit horrendous situation. You have literally been handed a steaming Turd Burger from somebody you loved. I can not begin to imagine how violated you must feel personally from the actions of your wife, especially her involving you in electronic transmission of sex acts without your knowledge. I know it is hard to wrap your head around. Hell, it's had for all of us to wrap our heads around. But even though you need not be reminded, I am going to remind you that what she did to you was in fact, a crime. If the roles were reversed I have no doubt your wife would not have hesitated to have you arrested,prosecuted to their full extent of the law and upon release from custody you would have had any parental rights stripped because for such an act you would have had to more than likely register as a sex offender. So just keep that in the back of your mind. The main thing I wanted to touch base with you on is this however: Since your D Day, your wife has done a lot of crying, said a lot of words, and basically forced you to continue to play Columbo and discover even more men, even more evidence, and even more heartache. In all of this, apart from her words telling you how sorry she is and how relieved she is that she got caught, exactly what in the hell are the actions she has undertook in order to even begin not only to understand the gravity of her actions, but to actually even begin to earn a chance at receiving the gift of reconciliation? A couple of trips to a Marriage Counselor who basically told you to shut up and don't rock the boat on the wilting flower that is your wife? Her sitting on her ass pissing and moaning because her little avocation got shut down ? You are still in shock, anyone would be. But form what I have seen over the last thirty seven pages is a man who has had his life as he knew it totally nuked and STILL forced to do all of the heavy lifting to try to pick up not only the pieces of his own life, but having to wipe his wayward wife's ass on top of it while busting his ass working 2 jobs. Most cases of reconciliation after what would be considered garden variety infidelity takes between 3 and 5 years at a minimum to even consider a relationship remotely reconciled. In light of the absolute horrendous treatment you have been subjected to, I would say you are looking at a minimum of a full decade of complete dedication on her part to even come close to making herself a safe person to be around. Reconciliation is a tough business even with the most remorseful waywards. It takes constant effort and complete dedication to it without any guarantee that the Betrayed up and decides at any time that it is a deal breaker and moves to divorce. Again, just my opinion, and discount it if you wish, but your wife is not a candidate for offering the gift of reconciliation to in any way, shape, or form for the forseeable future. She has done literally nothing but cry an say sorry since this happened. What she did is no simple "I got caught up in the internet" type of infidelity. She put a lot of thought into her actions. A lot. and it was all malevolent. Not one iota of it was something that she just let her self get carried away with. You have a lot to think about. And do not be too hung up on her getting money in any divorce settlement. What she did to you is very much a crime, and if push came to shove, her being charged and convicted of a felony has a strange way of having it happen that she gets not a penny. Courts don't like to grant favorable monetary awards to felons. I should know, I've got 2 of them on my record. She needs to step up to the plate by actions. Her words are as cheap as a 10 dollar suit. Again I'm so sorry. You are looking at a lifetime of healing on top of her wanting you to heal her as well. Because that's what she wants. She has taken ZERO responsibility for this thus far. All the pages of this thread are proof positive of that. Good Luck Edited April 22, 2017 by Space Ritual 8
understand50 Posted April 22, 2017 Posted April 22, 2017 Man, getting over infidelity seems impossible. Her betrayal is on mind constantly, it never goes away, even when I dream. How can I free myself from this mental hell? I try not to think about it and focus on other things but that doesnt last long and my mind goes right back. Cheating on your spouse is probably the worse thing you can do to them. . Zombiehead, I do not know if this will help, but we did have a thread that went over things a BS should do. As you are still in the anger phase, it may not be much help. At some point you will ether leave or decide you can give her some trust. Things a BS should do: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...reconciliation Now for myself, it has been over 40 year from her ONS, and about 10 from her massive overspending. In regards to her ONS, once I got over the first pain, it became more of an annoyance, more then anything. Our love story had a flaw, and of course it did make me not trust her completely in all things. You must remember, that what she did, you will always remember, and the hardest thing will be for you not to use it against here when she does other things. Things not related to cheating or sex. You will have to keep yourself from bringing this out when it is not germain to the conversation. So if she overspends, and you argue you should not bring this up. On the other hand if she is not being honest in some part of your relationship, you can talk about her not being honest about her sexting. This will be harder then it sounds, but must be done if you are to reconcile, or divorce. If you have issues with the kids, assuming you divorce, you can not bring out the cheating card. I think this will also help you, as it does discipline the mind some what, and will help with you thinking about it all the time. I am going to re-post a section that I gave Texashunter. I think it may have value, or not. This worked for us, so take it for whats it worth. You may not want or be able to do this, but again it worked for us. I think the communication section may help the most. Date night: we started date night. Every Friday, we went and did something. At first, most free things, and later cheap things. If we missed a Friday, we made sure to make it up. We worked to come up with things we would both enjoy, and have fun at. Rule was no arguing at date night. If all we could talk about was the weather, so be it. It never was that bad, we usually found things to talk about. Most times it was planning on how we were going to get by, and our plains for the future. I did start asking and insisting about being open and honest, but we avoid any hard conversation, as we were together to have fun. This was reconnecting, and getting to know each other again. Did us a world of good, and we still do this. Communication: I had read about having a weekly talk, and doing this to place all the hard stuff in one place and allowing each to a safe place to talk things out and also, to cool off the conversation. As we only bring up hard stuff here, it allows the other to “think” about it with out having the thing thrown at them when they are not ready or at a time where it is inappropriate. Also we wanted the conversation to be between us, and not with our family, so we did need privacy. The main rule, is that we both can bring up and talk about anything, and we expect the other to be as honest as they can be, but thing brought up at our talk stay there and we do not fling, and hit the other outside of the talk. This tends to make us really think about our responses, and also allows us both not to walk on eggshells the rest of the time. Both must work to make this a safe place to talk about hard things, and it does build trust between you both. Trust she is telling you the truth, and trust from her she can tell you anything. It does take time, but it does stop you both from always being "at war" with each other. As always I wish you luck........
Scarlett94 Posted April 23, 2017 Posted April 23, 2017 Zombie the one thing that sticks out the most to me is the selfie stick. For some reason the fact that she used your annual "gag Christmas gift" to betray you gives that an extra level of just being horrible and disrespectful to you. I've read this whole thread in one sitting and I'm sorry this happened to you. ((Hugs)) 3
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 23, 2017 Posted April 23, 2017 Zombie, First off I wanted to let you know I read this thread in it's entirety. I don't come to this side too often because it tends to trigger me to go to places I don't want to go and memories I don't wish to have. But after Jersey Born mentioned to this thread and I saw the multitude of pages I decided to see what the was going on. Some of the advice you have received on this thread has been great. Some of it has not, but like any advice dispensed here, including anything I write, take what you need and leave the rest. I think you can tell by the reception you have received that all of us are horrified by what happened to you. You are truly living a nightmare. And I cannot express enough the empathy feel for you. In a forum where most of the infidelity stories seem to start and progress the same way, yours is truly a unique, albeit horrendous situation. You have literally been handed a steaming Turd Burger from somebody you loved. I can not begin to imagine how violated you must feel personally from the actions of your wife, especially her involving you in electronic transmission of sex acts without your knowledge. I know it is hard to wrap your head around. Hell, it's had for all of us to wrap our heads around. But even though you need not be reminded, I am going to remind you that what she did to you was in fact, a crime. If the roles were reversed I have no doubt your wife would not have hesitated to have you arrested,prosecuted to their full extent of the law and upon release from custody you would have had any parental rights stripped because for such an act you would have had to more than likely register as a sex offender. So just keep that in the back of your mind. The main thing I wanted to touch base with you on is this however: Since your D Day, your wife has done a lot of crying, said a lot of words, and basically forced you to continue to play Columbo and discover even more men, even more evidence, and even more heartache. In all of this, apart from her words telling you how sorry she is and how relieved she is that she got caught, exactly what in the hell are the actions she has undertook in order to even begin not only to understand the gravity of her actions, but to actually even begin to earn a chance at receiving the gift of reconciliation? A couple of trips to a Marriage Counselor who basically told you to shut up and don't rock the boat on the wilting flower that is your wife? Her sitting on her ass pissing and moaning because her little avocation got shut down ? You are still in shock, anyone would be. But form what I have seen over the last thirty seven pages is a man who has had his life as he knew it totally nuked and STILL forced to do all of the heavy lifting to try to pick up not only the pieces of his own life, but having to wipe his wayward wife's ass on top of it while busting his ass working 2 jobs. Most cases of reconciliation after what would be considered garden variety infidelity takes between 3 and 5 years at a minimum to even consider a relationship remotely reconciled. In light of the absolute horrendous treatment you have been subjected to, I would say you are looking at a minimum of a full decade of complete dedication on her part to even come close to making herself a safe person to be around. Reconciliation is a tough business even with the most remorseful waywards. It takes constant effort and complete dedication to it without any guarantee that the Betrayed up and decides at any time that it is a deal breaker and moves to divorce. Again, just my opinion, and discount it if you wish, but your wife is not a candidate for offering the gift of reconciliation to in any way, shape, or form for the forseeable future. She has done literally nothing but cry an say sorry since this happened. What she did is no simple "I got caught up in the internet" type of infidelity. She put a lot of thought into her actions. A lot. and it was all malevolent. Not one iota of it was something that she just let her self get carried away with. You have a lot to think about. And do not be too hung up on her getting money in any divorce settlement. What she did to you is very much a crime, and if push came to shove, her being charged and convicted of a felony has a strange way of having it happen that she gets not a penny. Courts don't like to grant favorable monetary awards to felons. I should know, I've got 2 of them on my record. She needs to step up to the plate by actions. Her words are as cheap as a 10 dollar suit. Again I'm so sorry. You are looking at a lifetime of healing on top of her wanting you to heal her as well. Because that's what she wants. She has taken ZERO responsibility for this thus far. All the pages of this thread are proof positive of that. Good Luck this entire post...is amazing....perfect...spot on.... 2
understand50 Posted April 23, 2017 Posted April 23, 2017 Zombiehead, Space Ritual, does bring up a great point. IF you are going to reconcile, you are going to have to do the heavy lifting. One of the things we discount, is that the WS by doing what they did has shown that they lack boundaries, and are somewhat bent. Part of reconciliation must be getting the WS to examine themselves, on why they did, why they could betray you, and also to show compassion to what they did to you. This can take some time. As I have stated several time, both of you do not know "how" to do this. We have many stories of couples that did just that, and I am struck with how long it takes. Sometimes 30 years, before the WS "gets" it. Sometimes they never really do. Sometime, they somewhat do. You have to weigh if living with them is worth all the pain. Can you see them "Getting" it later. IF not, if you think they will not change, then divorce, but that as well carries its own special pain, and not just for yourself. The thing about infidelity, in all its forms, is that it makes the BS have to take a choice that they should not have had too. None are really good at the time, and none can be guaranteed to lead to a better future. Sometimes it does work out, but infidelity always leaves a scar, no matter what you do. You have to ask yourself, if I am going to reconcile with this woman, then I will have to take the lead to "fix" our relationship, and her as well? I will have to hold her to a higher standard. I will have to "nag" her forward to look at herself, hoping that she will she and then take the lead. I will have to work on myself to try and not be angry, to crave out a place where we can be a couple again. I have said that BS are stronger then the WS, and it for this very reason. You do have the heavy tasks in all this. Are you willing to do this? Do you she her changing? What about your kids? I wish you luck....
spanz1 Posted April 23, 2017 Posted April 23, 2017 (edited) jeez, where would you start to reconcile. there is so much here. Maybe a polygraph IS a good idea. you only get to ask 10 or so questions, so you would have to be crafty with soooo much to ask about. If it were me i would want to know if she ever had any sort of physical sexual contact since we were married. I would also want to know if she had ANY communications with all these men after D Day....in other words did she tell you she was stopping but did not actually stop? So that will give you a clue if it was a series of EA's or if it instead ever went physical. I personally think a PA is much worse than an EA. Online sex chatting, to me, is akin to porn....its like a fantasy world. Which is backed up in that she stopped chatting with men when they wanted to meet or know more about her personal life. Did the STD test reveal anything? That would be another data point on if it was physical. She seems to be an exhibitionist, a sex addict, a practiced liar, got off on doing online sex acts with men while you were in the next room and getting away with it. In other words, she has a very perverted side to her personality that you do not understand yet. it is too bad that she did not use her perverted nature to give YOU better sex, but instead reached out to others. IT sounds like all of this is way out of bounds for you. so the next polygraph questions i would ask might be more like "do you realy want to save the marriage", "do you think you can stop all these EA's cold turkey", "are you currently hiding or lying about online activity". Good luck. it will be a tough couple of years upcoming if you choose to stay in the marriage. I also would want to know if she might be Bipolar? Sometimes Bipolar people act this way--having the wildest sexual hidden lives, in order to seek reaffirmation that they are still sexy. the reason i ask is that they have good medicines for bipolars, and her taking those if she was bipolar might bring back the wife you married. Edited April 23, 2017 by spanz1
Author zombiehead Posted April 24, 2017 Author Posted April 24, 2017 What is "heavy lifting" by the wayward spouse? What should my wife be doing? She has apologized, going to IC, and doesn't use a smart phone. She deactivated her phone and reactivated an old flip phone. The flip phone is at least 10 years old and the battery doesn't last long. Call and text only. What else should she be doing? She can't go back and change what happened. It would be much easier to divorce and move on, but I'm on the fence because of our children. What heavy lifting should she be doing? She stopped, is getting help, and seems remorseful. I don't know if she is "deeply" remorseful, but she sincerely seems remorseful.
road Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 What is "heavy lifting" by the wayward spouse? What should my wife be doing? She has apologized, going to IC, and doesn't use a smart phone. She deactivated her phone and reactivated an old flip phone. The flip phone is at least 10 years old and the battery doesn't last long. Call and text only. What else should she be doing? She can't go back and change what happened. It would be much easier to divorce and move on, but I'm on the fence because of our children. What heavy lifting should she be doing? She stopped, is getting help, and seems remorseful. I don't know if she is "deeply" remorseful, but she sincerely seems remorseful. Living her life as an open book. You're able to verify NC 24/7/365. GPS on her car and phone to verify she is where she is suppose to be, says where she is going to be is needed to repair the broken trust. Close down all email accounts and all social accounts. She shares whatever accounts that you have with you.
Mrs. John Adams Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 What is "heavy lifting" by the wayward spouse? What should my wife be doing? She has apologized, going to IC, and doesn't use a smart phone. She deactivated her phone and reactivated an old flip phone. The flip phone is at least 10 years old and the battery doesn't last long. Call and text only. What else should she be doing? She can't go back and change what happened. It would be much easier to divorce and move on, but I'm on the fence because of our children. What heavy lifting should she be doing? She stopped, is getting help, and seems remorseful. I don't know if she is "deeply" remorseful, but she sincerely seems remorseful. I can answer this question better than anyone else...because i have been doing the lifting for a very long time. Has she become completley and totally transparent? Do you have every password to every account? Does she tell you her every move? Has she broken off relationships with anypne that might be affiliated with her past infidelities? Has she given up her computer and her phone? Does she only look at them when you are present? Does she answer every question with honesty? Does she ask you what she can do to make you feel comfortable? Does she place your needs and wants and desires before her own? Does she read and search for answers to why she allowed herself to become this evil person? Heavy lifting means she becomes selfless...it means she places your needs before her own...it means she stops feeling sorry for herself and accepts respinsibility for what she has done and the pain she has caused. It means she stops crying becasue she is self absorbed...and places your needs and wants and healing before her own. Does she do these things? thats doing the heavy lifting. She placed a bag of rocks around your neck...called infidelity and it is her responsibility to help you carry that burden....whatever it takes...however painful it is... she accepts the responsibility and helps you heal. 4
understand50 Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 zombiehead, My last post gives you 4 links that lays everything out for you. Have you and your wife access them and read them? You are both learning how to get though this, but you do need to study. Nothing in life is free, or comes easy, and if it does, it is not worth much. Here are the links: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...use-needs-know See Linda McDonald's book, " How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_T...FINAL_pdf-.pdf Things a BS should do: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...reconciliation Lastly, just what is remorse?: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/roma...elates-affairs I wish you luck...... 1
Superchicken Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 It would be much easier to divorce and move on, but I'm on the fence because of our children. Jeepers man.. Seriously, why do people always say "Children, Children". You would think the world is left with millions of unwanted, and abandoned kids from divorces. I lost count how many times I tell people this. I will again, because you need to understand that : 1 - Your love for the kids and them back, is NOT conditional that you remain in a POO (Put nicely) marriage. 2 - Your kids will NOT grow horns and gather around a caldron chanting "A Pox to daddy". 3 - Lastly, their not going to go Ape, and climb a Hi rise swiping planes, and beating their chest. You just need to provide the simple (And Free) things in life. Love, attention, attendance, time, skill, money, money, money and lastly money. OK, the last few (Money) aren't free Don't waste your life second guessing every time she's late, or you get a phone call at home that hangs up when you pick up. You can still live a happy and free life with someone else. I cant get around this fact. It would be tattooed in my brain "Where is she now". Best of all, you can always re marry if it turns out roses in a couple of years or whatever..
here222 Posted April 24, 2017 Posted April 24, 2017 ZH It sounds like she is trying to earn at chance at making things work. You can decide if she is worth your time and trouble. You still need try and connect with her in some small way at first and try to build on that. Let your heart tell you after you both make that connection. I really don't like the thought of what people telling you there is no coming back from this because they are not in your place. It might not work but I think that it could.
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