nude pics red flag??

[zombiehead]

I still feel like a Zombie, there is some relief in that the truth is out and the infidelity has stopped. I guess the fallout is what I'm trying to survive now.

 

I do believe the kids are a very important factor in deciding whether to try and save the marriage or not. If we split and she starts bringing men around our kids I will have sleepless nights, I will be very worried that he might hurt them physically or mentally.

 

Some of suggested I file charges for her recording us together, to me that is out of the question. I don't want her to have a felony and that would also hurt our kids mentally if she goes to jail. I'm upset about her filming us but not to the extent of having her arrested, criminal court conviction, then jail. That would hurt our children.

 

She has a 2nd interview this week, hopefully she gets the job and that will lessen the financial cost of divorce for me.

[whichwayisup]

I still feel like a Zombie, there is some relief in that the truth is out and the infidelity has stopped. I guess the fallout is what I'm trying to survive now.

 

I do believe the kids are a very important factor in deciding whether to try and save the marriage or not. If we split and she starts bringing men around our kids I will have sleepless nights, I will be very worried that he might hurt them physically or mentally.

 

Some of suggested I file charges for her recording us together, to me that is out of the question. I don't want her to have a felony and that would also hurt our kids mentally if she goes to jail. I'm upset about her filming us but not to the extent of having her arrested, criminal court conviction, then jail. That would hurt our children.

 

She has a 2nd interview this week, hopefully she gets the job and that will lessen the financial cost of divorce for me.

 

You make a deal, NO MEN around your children. Period!

[Jersey born raised]

Have you read the links that Understand50 suggested? They give solid starting points. Being in limbo is a living hell of indecsion, the what ifs destroy you both mentally and emotionally impacting your entire life including physical health. To break it you need to step back and decide where to begin moving forward.

 

The steps I will suggest are indeed time intense, do them instead of posting for a few days (although read and post on other threads). I realize the time it will take but you have been posting for two months two, three, four posts a day and yet are still in the exact same place. Break the cycle !

 

Take the time to read and use elements of these links to build a frame work to move on. Start with a summary post(s) on each one. Then start a post about what struck you in each link, how it applies and finally a list of goals and actions to take to achieve them. The focus you need to complete this will help gain you clarity and a sense of certainty.

 

 

 

Be well

Edited April 24, 2017 by Jersey born raised

[Try]

Some of suggested I file charges for her recording us together, to me that is out of the question. I don't want her to have a felony and that would also hurt our kids mentally if she goes to jail. I'm upset about her filming us but not to the extent of having her arrested, criminal court conviction, then jail. That would hurt our children.

 

She has a 2nd interview this week, hopefully she gets the job and that will lessen the financial cost of divorce for me.

The fact that if you choose to do so, you can have "her arrested, criminal court conviction, then jail" gives you a powerful bargaining chip in a divorce settlement that few cheated on spouses will ever have. This could "lessen the financial cost of divorce" far more than her getting a job.

[bigman1]

Okay Zombie, let's keep things in perspective.

 

If you are REALLY concerned that your wife is going to bring the type of men that will harm your kids such that you won't be able to sleep at night, then you are in more serious trouble than I can imagine.

 

Either she is that type, in which case she IS presently a threat to your kids, so keeping the "fox in the henhouse" makes no sense because you can't always be around as it is. AND IF she is that type and you should divorce and seek full custody and go hard BECAUSE she is that type of person AND your kids are not presently safe around her anyway.

 

On the other hand, you are not REASONABLY NOR REALLY afraid of that and you just threw out a phony calamity to avoid facing some hard facts.

 

I am not sure what this "heavy lifting" or "real remorse" stuff is about. It is really just a panacea. A sugar pill. In the end, you have to face what your wife did and decide if you want to suck it up and keep the marriage together because she can't undo the past. NEXT, if the answer is yes, then you have to decide if she is a "safe" partner in that she is not likely to re-offend such that you are willing to suck it up. THEN, she has to be the kind of person willing to and eventually able to REAFFIRM you in the future when you start to question your decision or start to trigger. If all of those are positives, then you have to decide if you want to go thru that for the rest of your life.

 

Little trigger, big triggers, occassional triggers, whatever, I read posts from long ago betrayed spouses who still have them.

 

Your kids are going to grow up. You gotta ask yourself the bottom line questions. Can you suck it up and swallow that feces pie? Do you think she's gonna serve you some more? Are you willing to endure the lifetime of burps with her patting you on the back? If yes, then fine. If no, then fine. The kids will be alright either way, ONLY if you choose right. Choose wrong and you will be miserable and your kids will not be okay, because it will spill over into their lives daily.

[NVO]

I just read this whole thread. I'm sorry that you have to go through this Z. I don't have much advice to offer, but I'm a kid of parents who divorced and reconciled. So maybe if I share some experiences, it will put things in perspective for you.

 

1. Your kids already notice and sense change. They are not crazy. I think you will have a hard time recovering from this when your wife is around. If you can't love her like you did before this, you are giving your kids the example of a dysfunctional relationship between mom and dad. I think this has way more serious consequences for their emotional development than a divorce would. You can't hide this.

 

2. You act different when your wife is not around. Your kids sense this.

 

3. Seeing my parents fight and not love eachother did hurt me more than them living apart.

 

4. Finding out my dad cheated on my mom made the connection between me and my mom a lot stronger.

 

5. The moment my dad was gone, my mother started to recover.

 

6. My parents reconciled after divorce and being apart for three years. I think that the being apart thing was good for both of them.

 

7. When my parents reconciled the connection between me and my dad was already lost and has never been the same.

 

8. Let's say you stay in this marriage and live your unhappy life for the sake of your kids. If they ever found out, do you think they will be grateful you were unhappy for all those years, just so they could have a mom and dad being around?

 

It's a tough call, hope this some kind of helps. I sure admire the fact that you don't want to sue her or anything, for the video. If I ever found out my wife was making a video of us having sex, so another guy (or more) can jerk off to it... I would lose it. That's F'ed up.

 

Take care.

Edited April 25, 2017 by NVO

[here222]

ZH

I am just wondering about how you are doing, well I hope. Have things gotten better? Worse?

[zombiehead]

Hi here222 thanks for asking how I'm doing.

 

I've decided to attempt R. We are still sleeping apart and she wants to share the bed together again. I'm not ready for that. I don't want to see her in the nude, or undressing. She is tainted too me, when I think about having sex with her, I think about her messages, her nudes, her phone sex with those men, her skype sex with those men.

 

When she asks me how I'm doing, I tell her straight up the truth and it makes her very angry. She will ask me what are you thinking, and I will say I'm think about how you told those men you wanted them in your mouth, I'm thinking about you showing them your private parts while pleasuring yourself. Then she screams at me and gets angry. Well she asked and I told her the exact truth.

 

She wants to find a MC and doesn't want to use you IC for that.

[Marc878]

Hi here222 thanks for asking how I'm doing.

 

I've decided to attempt R. We are still sleeping apart and she wants to share the bed together again. I'm not ready for that. I don't want to see her in the nude, or undressing. She is tainted too me, when I think about having sex with her, I think about her messages, her nudes, her phone sex with those men, her skype sex with those men.

 

When she asks me how I'm doing, I tell her straight up the truth and it makes her very angry. She will ask me what are you thinking, and I will say I'm think about how you told those men you wanted them in your mouth, I'm thinking about you showing them your private parts while pleasuring yourself. Then she screams at me and gets angry. Well she asked and I told her the exact truth.

She wants to find a MC and doesn't want to use you IC for that.

 

No remorse no R. She wants an MC to rug sweep this.

 

She needs IC alone.

 

You can't R by yourself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hi here222 thanks for asking how I'm doing.

 

I've decided to attempt R. We are still sleeping apart and she wants to share the bed together again. I'm not ready for that. I don't want to see her in the nude, or undressing. She is tainted too me, when I think about having sex with her, I think about her messages, her nudes, her phone sex with those men, her skype sex with those men.

 

When she asks me how I'm doing, I tell her straight up the truth and it makes her very angry. She will ask me what are you thinking, and I will say I'm think about how you told those men you wanted them in your mouth, I'm thinking about you showing them your private parts while pleasuring yourself. Then she screams at me and gets angry. Well she asked and I told her the exact truth.

 

She wants to find a MC and doesn't want to use you IC for that.

 

based on the words and sentiments you have written here...reconciliation is impossible.

 

you can co habitate...you can exist together unhappily ...

 

but reconcilation means reuniting, reunion, bringing together (again), conciliation, reconcilement, rapprochement, fence-mending

the act of causing two people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or disagreement

the process of finding a way to make two different ideas, facts, etc., exist or be true at the same time

 

I dont even see the point in trying to reconcile....but its your call. I dont see her reaction or attitude to your accusations improving.

 

You are beating a dead horse. You will never heal from this without a change of attitude from her....and that is probably never going to happen.

[QuietDan]

Hi here222 thanks for asking how I'm doing.

 

I've decided to attempt R. We are still sleeping apart and she wants to share the bed together again. I'm not ready for that. I don't want to see her in the nude, or undressing. She is tainted too me, when I think about having sex with her, I think about her messages, her nudes, her phone sex with those men, her skype sex with those men.

 

When she asks me how I'm doing, I tell her straight up the truth and it makes her very angry. She will ask me what are you thinking, and I will say I'm think about how you told those men you wanted them in your mouth, I'm thinking about you showing them your private parts while pleasuring yourself. Then she screams at me and gets angry. Well she asked and I told her the exact truth.

 

She wants to find a MC and doesn't want to use you IC for that.

 

The status quo isn't good for either of you.

Have you suggested that she register here. There would be a lot of input and discussion that might help her to have better understanding and skills that will help in reconciliation instead of hurting it.

Hopefully, she gets around to figuring this out... maybe eventually on her own. That might be fairly time consuming. She seems very ill equipped for that right now. There are a lot of good resources, waywards, former waywards, and betrayed spouses. It sounds like she needs a bit of wayward spouses attempting reconciliation basic training. At the moment, it sounds like she is doing a lot of things that are not helping at all.

She needs some serious education. Education and self enlightenment.

She it might help her figure herself out as well. I think she is wanting and hoping this all just goes away with out trying to figure it out.

I think she wants the MC to .... try to fix things without really trying to face her own demons.

Edited May 8, 2017 by QuietDan

[bluefeather]

Have you suggested that she register here.

 

I would not suggest that at all.

[reboot]

This is very typical, she just expects you to "get over it". Got that t-shirt. Based on all her actions so far it's not likely she's going to change that attitude. She's sorry she got caught, and that's all.

[Cephalopod]

Hi here222 thanks for asking how I'm doing.

 

I've decided to attempt R. We are still sleeping apart and she wants to share the bed together again. I'm not ready for that. I don't want to see her in the nude, or undressing. She is tainted too me, when I think about having sex with her, I think about her messages, her nudes, her phone sex with those men, her skype sex with those men.

 

When she asks me how I'm doing, I tell her straight up the truth and it makes her very angry. She will ask me what are you thinking, and I will say I'm think about how you told those men you wanted them in your mouth, I'm thinking about you showing them your private parts while pleasuring yourself. Then she screams at me and gets angry. Well she asked and I told her the exact truth.

 

She wants to find a MC and doesn't want to use you IC for that.

 

She's not remorseful. She wants to rugsweep the entire thing.

 

What your wife has done goes beyond cheating. It is a pathology. Do you honestly think she is showing a willingness to dig deep and get to the core of her issues? Doesn't sound like it to me.

 

Why on earth you would want to reconcile with this deeply disturbed woman is beyond me.

[BaileyB]

Hi here222 thanks for asking how I'm doing.

 

I've decided to attempt R. We are still sleeping apart and she wants to share the bed together again. I'm not ready for that. I don't want to see her in the nude, or undressing. She is tainted too me, when I think about having sex with her, I think about her messages, her nudes, her phone sex with those men, her skype sex with those men.

 

When she asks me how I'm doing, I tell her straight up the truth and it makes her very angry. She will ask me what are you thinking, and I will say I'm think about how you told those men you wanted them in your mouth, I'm thinking about you showing them your private parts while pleasuring yourself. Then she screams at me and gets angry. Well she asked and I told her the exact truth.

 

She wants to find a MC and doesn't want to use you IC for that.

 

That doesn't sound like reconciliation. That sounds like punishment... You are punishing your wife by taking your anger out on her, and you are punishing yourself in the process.

 

It is certainly your decision. But, this sounds very unhealthy... It is a very unhealthy environment to be raising children.

[zombiehead]

We dated for over 4 years before we married. About 4-6 months into our "dating" relationship I told her I wanted to date other people. She was upset, I went out that weekend with my single friend and by Monday I realized that I made a mistake. I went to her apartment to apologize and tell her I wanted to be with her, however she had another guy already, he was there and they were in bed together. I left and the next day she too wanted to get back together.

 

Well she keeps throwing that in my face now. I told her that is not the same as this situation and that I was upfront and told her, I didn't go behind her back and cheat on her, also we are NOT married, we did NOT live together, we did were NOT raising kids together. BIG FREAKING DIFFERENCE!!!!!!

 

When she wants to talk about our problems she can NOT handle my feelings. My problem is the mind movies, the things she did with these men that she has never done with me. We have never pleasured ourselves together, she has never sent me nude photos and dirty talk. Now if I ever wanted to do that we can't because she ruined it by doing it with these other men behind my back. She gets furious when I describe the to her the mind movies that are in my head. I repeat what she wrote them in her messages and she screams at me to SHUT UP.

 

I told her, look you are screaming at me while I'm trying to be honest and tell you what I'm thinking and what I'm trying to overcome.

Edited May 9, 2017 by zombiehead

[Overtaxed]

We dated for over 4 years before we married. About 4-6 months into our "dating" relationship I told her I wanted to date other people. She was upset, I went out that weekend with my single friend and by Monday I realized that I made a mistake. I went to her apartment to apologize and tell her I wanted to be with her, however she had another guy already, he was there and they were in bed together. I left and the next day she too wanted to get back together.

 

Well she keeps throwing that in my face now. I told her that is not the same as this situation and that I was upfront and told her, I didn't go behind her back and cheat on her, also we are NOT married, we did NOT live together, we did were NOT raising kids together. BIG FREAKING DIFFERENCE!!!!!!

 

When she wants to talk about our problems she can NOT handle my feelings. My problem is the mind movies, the things she did with these men that she has never done with me. We have never pleasured ourselves together, she has never sent me nude photos and dirty talk. Now if I ever wanted to do that we can't because she ruined it by doing it with these other men behind my back. She gets furious when I describe the to her the mind movies that are in my head. I repeat what she wrote them in her messages and she screams at me to SHUT UP.

 

I told her, look you are screaming at me while I'm trying to be honest and tell you what I'm thinking and what I'm trying to overcome.

 

I'd just say, the "shut ups" and screaming have to stop if you hope to R. This is just not healthy at all. I'd agree with the other posters, sounds like your spouse is immature and not ready to be in a relationship; let alone a relationship that has infidelity in it and requires both parties to act in very specific ways to attempt an R.

 

That said, the thing that made me comment; my W also did things with the OM that we'd never done, one of them that was high on my "list" and she was well aware of. Yes, it's incredibly painful. Yes, I think about her doing it with him all the time. However, if you want to R, you have to accept that she did it with him and WANTS to do it with you as well. If you let the fact that she did it with someone else ruin it for you; then you'll never get past it. Think about it this way, I'd did "everything" with other women before my W, and today, thinking about sex, she's the only person I want to share these things with. It's not doing them before that's the issue, it's not doing them now when you enjoyed them with other people. In my eyes, doing it with the OM and not you is a complete deal breaker; yes, an A is exciting, yes, the sex is hot. But you're (your wife) not an animal, sex is an emotional and spiritual connection; if you desire something with someone but then do not desire that same thing with your spouse, then, IMHO, you've married the wrong person and need to move on.

 

This is common in female A's. Posters told me on my thread, about 10 posts in "Dude, she did some freaky stuff with the OM, be ready for it". I put up some resistance, but, pretty quickly realized "yup, here it comes". And, yes, they did some freaky stuff. I can't explain the why; my W has said it's because she didn't care what he thought about her, and I do suppose that makes some sense. Some posters will tell you it's because your spouse is hotter for the AP than they ever were for you, I don't buy that for a second, in many cases, the AP is a poor imitation of the spouse (especially in A's where the man is stepping out, beautiful wife at home and takes home an overweight unattractive woman; this is incredibly common), so it has to be something else. That something to me could be the freedom to know that you can just walk away (if you do something embarrassing in bed, you never have to see the person again), knowing that it's temporary, trying new things out, etc. But I don't for a second believe it's always because "he/she was better or made me hornier than you ever have".

 

IMHO, in your situation, the only way to fix the mind movies is to start doing those things with her. Yes, it's going to be hard the first few times. But, at least in my case, I had to "reclaim" those things as "ours" not something reserved for the AP. A refusal from my W would tell me what I needed to know, she was more into him than she ever was into me.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zombie, I am sorry that you have decided to reconcile with your wife. You are only laying the foundation of your future unhappiness. From all that you have written it is apparent that your wife is far from remorseful and with that basic condition not being in place you are setting yourself up for failure.

 

I know your situation is difficult but to add to it and to ensure your future unhappiness seems to me to be the saddest thing that you could do for yourself. Just rethink everything and then take a sober and considered decision. What you are contemplating on doing is just not going to work because of the lack of remorse on the part of your wife. Also, if you do try and reconcile it will only reinforce her belief that what she did was not so bad after all because you forgave her and reconciled with her. Everything will be swept under the carpet and while you boil inside she will revert to her obnoxious and demeaning behaviour again because she would not have been held responsible for her reprehensible behaviour and actions. You will be like Atlas carrying your world alone on your shoulders while she waltz's her way through life sexting and exchanging sleazy pictures and videos of herself and maybe the two of you together to other guys for them to get their rocks off. If that is the life you are going to be comfortable with then go ahead and reconcile. Warm wishes.

[here222]

ZH

I think you are making the right decision. You have a lot invested in your family. The one thing that you need to tell your wife is you are trying to let some of this go and that is going to take time, probably a lot.

Tell her if she really wants this marriage to work that she will need do more to help you, not to blame you for your mind movies.

Again time will help but your wife can help a lot more. I really think maybe it is time to take a deep breath and take her out somewhere for dinner and drinks and see if you can feel anything physical for her if so go for it. Relax. Just maybe tell her that you always wanted some of the stuff that she was giving to somebody she had NEVER met.

It is probably going to be difficult, but I think you can do this.

Folks he is trying to make this work, so enough with the negative, try to give him something positive to work with.

[reboot]

ZH

Folks he is trying to make this work, so enough with the negative, try to give him something positive to work with.

 

I'm struggling to see the positives in being married to a serial cheater. *shrug*

[BaileyB]

We dated for over 4 years before we married. About 4-6 months into our "dating" relationship I told her I wanted to date other people. She was upset, I went out that weekend with my single friend and by Monday I realized that I made a mistake. I went to her apartment to apologize and tell her I wanted to be with her, however she had another guy already, he was there and they were in bed together. I left and the next day she too wanted to get back together.

 

Well she keeps throwing that in my face now. I told her that is not the same as this situation and that I was upfront and told her, I didn't go behind her back and cheat on her, also we are NOT married, we did NOT live together, we did were NOT raising kids together. BIG FREAKING DIFFERENCE!!!!!!

 

When she wants to talk about our problems she can NOT handle my feelings. My problem is the mind movies, the things she did with these men that she has never done with me. We have never pleasured ourselves together, she has never sent me nude photos and dirty talk. Now if I ever wanted to do that we can't because she ruined it by doing it with these other men behind my back. She gets furious when I describe the to her the mind movies that are in my head. I repeat what she wrote them in her messages and she screams at me to SHUT UP.

 

I told her, look you are screaming at me while I'm trying to be honest and tell you what I'm thinking and what I'm trying to overcome.

 

But she is right. You asked for a separation and the first thing she did was jump into bed with another man. This woman is a serial cheater. This relationship is unhealthy. To each their own... If you want to stay with this woman, it is your choice. But, I don't understand how you think that you can stay with this woman. You have so much anger - rightfully so, but how you are expressing that anger is not healthy. It's not healthy for either of you, or your children.

Edited May 9, 2017 by BaileyB

[Betrayed&Stayed]

What is "heavy lifting" by the wayward spouse? What should my wife be doing?

. . . .

What else should she be doing?

^ You asked these questions a few pages back

 

 

When she wants to talk about our problems she can NOT handle my feelings. My problem is the mind movies, the things she did with these men that she has never done with me. We have never pleasured ourselves together, she has never sent me nude photos and dirty talk. Now if I ever wanted to do that we can't because she ruined it by doing it with these other men behind my back. She gets furious when I describe the to her the mind movies that are in my head. I repeat what she wrote them in her messages and she screams at me to SHUT UP.

 

I told her, look you are screaming at me while I'm trying to be honest and tell you what I'm thinking and what I'm trying to overcome.

 

And ^ this is not "heavy lifting". To my WW's credit, she took the heat from me on many occasions. I was hurt. I was angry. I lashed out. I asked a lot of questions. And she stood there without getting defensive because she knew that she was the cause of the shtstorm.

 

By all indications, R is not looking good. If she can't take the heat now, how will she stand up 1 year from now? 2 years from now? This will not pass anytime soon. You two still have 3-5 years of dealing with this.

 

For your future I only see depression, resentment, and health-related manifestations of unresolved issues.

 

Yes, you two can remain married but at what cost? How much is too much to pay?

[lolablue17]

You're confused. You turn to her to seek help because according to your instinct she is your best friend + soul mate + the one you love.

 

But keep in mind that in that issue she is the opponent. She is not on your teem, she's with the other teem. If you need help, and of course you do, you should seek it among people from your teem, also don't seek it among mutual . friends, only your own friends & family.

 

She can't help you. don't be mixed up on this.

[Jersey born raised]

You have never discussed your wife's childhood and teen years. The sexting and posting video of herself and you without your knowledge is a red flag. The jumping into a sexual relationship with someone else you mentioned is another red flag. It is a red flag in the same way alcohol abuse is when emotional upset. Normal social drinking is one thing, a habit of binge drinking when emotionally upset is not health and indicate deeper issues and an inability to respond in a healthy manner.

 

So the question you and your children face is what is the issue(s) (the demons on her shoulder) that she cannot control. Will MC effectively confront them? I think a good MC will quickly bring this up and guide her to IC. A bad one will focus on issues going forward and neglect past issues and the seperate issue of adultery.

 

Have you considered this point of view?

[zombiehead]

Thanks for the replies, all them help.

 

My wife was a wild teenager yet she was responsible, worked a part time job in HS graduated and then went on a graduated college with a bachelor's degree.

 

When she was a teenager her parents had her in counselling because of her partying, drinking, staying out late and her disobedience.

 

She put herself in counselling after her fiance broke up with her when she was in college.

 

She told me she was dated raped, I don't recall if it happened in college or HS. She was drunk and a guy took advantage of her and she contracted vaginal warts. She told her mother and made a doctor's appointment to have them removed.

 

That is all I know pretty much about her past. She was wild party girl but responsible when it came to school and work.

 

I have to leave for meeting now, there is more to say. Thanks for your help.

Edited May 9, 2017 by zombiehead