Author zombiehead Posted May 17, 2017 Author Share Posted May 17, 2017 We had sex last night. She was rubbing my thigh and it moved so we had sex. Afterwards I honestly felt closer to her than I have since I caught her taking nude photos. However this morning I feel a bit sick to my stomach about what happened last night. Why is that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
here222 Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 zh You are going in the right direction. I am sure more feelings will come to you as things progress. I think as the days go on things will work out, one way or another. I know this is a BIG first step but one you needed to take. I hope it all gets easier for you BOTH. Does she know how important this all is to the family's rebuilding process, that this is probably her only chance at reconciliation as I doubt you continue if she don't keep working very hard on her end. I am proud of the way you have handled this. Time again is on your side, always has been. If you would have dumped her, as many advised, you would not be where you are today. All and all you are making progress. Keep it up, both in spirit and other parts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 We had sex last night. She was rubbing my thigh and it moved so we had sex. Afterwards I honestly felt closer to her than I have since I caught her taking nude photos. However this morning I feel a bit sick to my stomach about what happened last night. Why is that? This is a physical manifestation of some emotion - why do you think you felt that way? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 she might see that as a start that all is forgiven. I hope not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted May 17, 2017 Author Share Posted May 17, 2017 I did have a bad dream last night but not about her betrayal. I too am worried that she will think I have forgiven the betrayal. I did feel closer to her afterwards so that is a good sign. However today I feel dirty and have a sour feeling in my stomach. It is a very hard thing to get past if you decided to stay together. I would have liked to recieve dirty texts and nude pics while I was at work but instead those were going to other men with hearts and kisses, the texts she sent me were get milk and toilet paper on the way home. Now we can never engage in sexting that is ruined forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted May 17, 2017 Author Share Posted May 17, 2017 Her excuse for not sexting with me was total crap. The reason she gave for not sending me naughty pics was that she was afraid I would think she was cheating. Yes she actually tried to blame me as justification for not sexing with me. I told her that she felt that way because she WAS sending dirty pics to other men!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 However this morning I feel a bit sick to my stomach about what happened last night. I wonder if she felt that way too, but about herself. It really seems like you are seriously trying to go through with still being with her. That is probably going to be a long journey of going back and forth between feelings like that (closeness and disgust). I think you risk developing a mental disorder, if you haven't already. I'm telling you, this looks dangerous for you and your children. Be careful. I don't think there is much else I can say here, considering your choice, so good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 Her excuse for not sexting with me was total crap. The reason she gave for not sending me naughty pics was that she was afraid I would think she was cheating. Yes she actually tried to blame me as justification for not sexing with me. I told her that she felt that way because she WAS sending dirty pics to other men!! Well that explains it then, there is nothing more to be said, we can all go on with our lives. She would rather cheat on you then let you think she was cheating, seriously? If your going to think she's cheating it just makes sense to do it right and just hammer you into the ground, why cheat with one guy when 8 will give you so much more to feel. I still have a hard time accepting her need to fulfill the guy in Scotland's fantasy of secretly recording your lovemaking so he can jerk off rather then protecting your rights and feelings. She used you to get some scumbag off, that sounds like she's pretty committed to the marriage. Ya, that one still bothers me and I'm not even married to her. Postnuptial friend, get a postnuptial agreement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 Her excuse for not sexting with me was total crap. The reason she gave for not sending me naughty pics was that she was afraid I would think she was cheating. Yes she actually tried to blame me as justification for not sexing with me. I told her that she felt that way because she WAS sending dirty pics to other men!! Well, you are the one who wants to reconcile with her & all of this continued lying and gas-lighting. If I listen long enough to you I'll find a way to believe that it's all true Knowing...that you lied, straight faced while I cried Still I look to find a reason to believe... -Tim Hardin 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 Well, you are the one who wants to reconcile with her & all of this continued lying and gas-lighting. If I listen long enough to you I'll find a way to believe that it's all true Knowing...that you lied, straight faced while I cried Still I look to find a reason to believe... -Tim Hardin If I could tell you how many times I thought about this song when my XH was lying to me about cheating! It described perfectly my ability to try to believe his stupid, stupid lies and how he gaslighted me so callously. I mean, how do you look at someone who is crying about what you have done and feel no compunction about it. That is not about preservation, that is cold and uncaring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 If I could tell you how many times I thought about this song when my XH was lying to me about cheating! It described perfectly my ability to try to believe his stupid, stupid lies and how he gaslighted me so callously. I mean, how do you look at someone who is crying about what you have done and feel no compunction about it. That is not about preservation, that is cold and uncaring. After a few weeks living with her new lover my wife kicked him out and literally came to me on her hands and knees begging for another chance. I regret my decision to give her that chance, and that regret has led to a powerful self-hatred that I will probably never find peace from. I do, however, cut myself a little slack because of the state of stunned shock I was suffering from in the wake of D-day. I've described it before as feeling as though I was drowning in a sea of $hit and her offer was like tossing me a life raft. Who wouldn't grab on to it at that point? Most of us are in such denial about the damage WS has done we will believe anything that promises to ease the pain. It's my feeling that OP is right smack-dab in the middle of this sea of $hit right now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted May 18, 2017 Author Share Posted May 18, 2017 No sex last night. After I read bedtime stories to the twins I went to our room and attempted to have a conversation about her online infidelity. She would raise her voice and I would tell her to lower it and let's have a mature conversation. It seems when I bring up the facts she gets loud gets defensive. I told her she needs to speak calmly in a normal voice, that we need to discuss these things honestly and calmly like adults. That this is what I need to work through if you want me to stay in this marriage. Basically she said that she is disgusted with her behavior and that she tried to stop many times but was addicted to it. She said that she didn't think it was that bad because it was online only. I asked her about filming us for another man and she said she was trying to show off, that she was proud of the great sex we have and wanted to show off. She said after I found out it was hard for her to stop but now that she had stopped she has no desire to ever do it again. She said I was her soulmate, she finds me desirable, she wants to have sex with me all the time, we have kids together and she doesn't want to put them through a divorce, we have common interests, we have the same political views, we like skiing, hiking, camping, we have so much in common, we were meant to be together forever, she couldn't imagine her life without me in it. Well that is all good, BUT I'm still having a hard time understanding why she would sext with strangers on a daily basis for 18 months straight. I asked her if she thought she could have some sort of mental illness. I told her I don't know who the real you is. She responded that we have been together a long time and she has never done anything like this before. That online stuff she was doing was fake, she lied to this men, she doesn't want to do the sexual acts she described to these men. She said, "who likes sucking dik", and that is true she really doesn't like personally, she likes that it gives me pleasure but she doesn't like doing it. I believe that because yuck, who would like doing that, having that in your mouth. She said that she was mostly addicted to the attention, that she liked the compliments she was getting, that they told her how beautiful and desirable she was from the filtered edited photos she send, she loved hearing them tell her how pretty and sexy she was, and she was addicted to it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 After a few weeks living with her new lover my wife kicked him out and literally came to me on her hands and knees begging for another chance. I regret my decision to give her that chance, and that regret has led to a powerful self-hatred that I will probably never find peace from. I do, however, cut myself a little slack because of the state of stunned shock I was suffering from in the wake of D-day. I've described it before as feeling as though I was drowning in a sea of $hit and her offer was like tossing me a life raft. Who wouldn't grab on to it at that point? Most of us are in such denial about the damage WS has done we will believe anything that promises to ease the pain. It's my feeling that OP is right smack-dab in the middle of this sea of $hit right now. I think if it hadn't been the 2nd time (with 13 years in between) that XH had done this to me, I would have done the same. I DID stay after the first time. I can't say reconciliation is good or not good for anyone as I obviously didn't do something right (rug-sweeping, I think), but I can say that FOR ME, I never felt the same about him. I still loved him after the first time, but I was more wary and certainly not as naive in my belief that his love was solid. I also did not view him as the loving & good person I had. It was still there, but not like before. Flawed, like the rest of us, but a liar? Right to my face, while I tried so hard to understand what was wrong? There was something different after -get over just not the same. Foundations have to be strong and I did not resolve enough before we moved on to make it so. I'm not blaming myself for it all, but I know NOW that I should have been vigilant in changing the dynamics of the marriage in order to get over the betrayal. There is something to be said about the wayward who comes forward with the confession before the betrayed spouse knows. It shows some strength of character to me. IMHO only. What the OP is facing seems insurmountable to me, but I understand the need to try. When you are in the middle of a s*** show, you just try to hold your head above it all. It is later when you think OMG, what was I thinking? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
here222 Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 ZH You will need many more conversations with your wife about all of this, but it seems you are finally moving in a positive direction. Do you think you will be able to get past this? Do you see yourself better off with someone else? Is your wife worth trying to save or help her get better? Is your family worth all of hard work ahead? Do you love your wife? Does your wife love you enough to work to hell and back to make this work? That one is for her. I am sure you will get this right. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 Well I do think it is progress... I think she may have told you the truth and horrible as it is. But some of that really does make sense. Has she gone to any counseling? I am not sure that she is getting how horrible what she did was. I think she knows it was bad and foolish but I don't think she really understands how bad it was. But, at least you were actually able to talk about it. And yes, she has a lot to learn and you will have to go over all of this and more several times. Also, something that you might ask is, "How do I know that this is not a stepping stone to you actually want to have physical sex with another man or many other men?" Because she has to understand that this is just one of the things that you are going to be worrying about for the next few years... Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 (edited) i, personally, would try to look at the positive side of this whole mess: 1) it looks like she never did anything physical with these online partners. that would mean a lot to me! 2) it shows she still has a very strong libido, and you may be able to direct all of that sexual energy into sex with YOU 3) she sounds like a pretty sexy and kinky woman, considering she had all these online "friends" A sex addict? Maybe. Maybe she was simply VERY horny (might have been hormonal), and was embarrassed to ask YOU for more and kinkier sex. Now that her secret is out, there is no reason for her to be secretive about her sexual needs anymore. Have her tell you what she wants for sex acts, and give them to her. See, after a number of weeks, if you feel she is totally satisfied with you alone in the future. Some independent counseling for her might be a good idea. I would not frame it like "you are a crazy person and need a shrink", but more like "you need to figure out why you could not come to me to satisfy your needs" BTW, does she have any toxic girlfriends that might have encouraged her to do this? How did she figure out she could video sex chat with guys? Who told her that? She needs to dump any toxic friends. good luck! Edited May 18, 2017 by spanz1 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 1) it looks like she never did anything physical with these online partners. that would mean a lot to me! Anyone that really believes this raise your hand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 Spanz1 poses a great question, toxic friends. I cannot stress this enough: to be a personal friend of married person one must first be a staunch friend of the their marriage. Twenty years ago I might have saved a marriage (lost touch a long time ago). I and another friend got all over a guy for always going out with his friends. I mean we where brutal with him. We challenged him to go home and with a dozen roses instead if hanging out with us like he told his wife he was. I bet him before the night was out she would want to know why he did so and what did he do. He refused to believe me, but took me up on the bet. I won. After that he started to actually started to learn what it was to be married and worked on it. Fortunately his wife knew his friends and put aside the thoughts he was running around on her at some point. So take a long look at first your personal friends, then her's. Who is healthy for both the marriage and yourselfs. As to the question did she hook up physically, maybe maybe not. What is not a question is if she keeps going down this path she will, get out now. If the two of you can refocus this into the marriage and only the marriage it would be a good thing. One thing to keep in mind is I think your wife has a bit of submissiveness in her. She needs the ego boost that doing what she is told to do. Understand it is the praise afterwards that is the reward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
why1234 Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 The therapist is female and I swear she was making passes at me. She asked me if I thought about other women, if I considered moving on without my wife, that I was an attractive man, and she moved her chair closer touched my knee then my arm, rubbing my forearm. It was uncomfortable and when it was over and she wanted to schedule another session I told her I would get back with her. LOL glad that is over. She asked me what details I knew about my wife's infidelity and how I was coping with it and she could tell it was painful for me to discuss so that is when she moved closer with her chair and started touching me. Then while her hand was on my knee and then my arm she was asking if I thought about other women, starting over ect. The therapist is around my age possibly a few years younger and I didn't see a ring on her finger or pictures of her family in her office. The only pictures she had were of her with her dogs. Interesting. I thought you a beta bux with a tiny alpha streak (in redpill parlance) but it seems like you're a natural alpha. That might explain why your alpha widow wife didn't go all the way and have a physical affair. You're a very high value guy, and she would never do as well. And that explains why you're ready to push the eject button - because you have plenty of options. A lot of guys here try desperately to hang onto their wives because they don't think they can do any better. That makes them needy and turns their wives off. I really don't see any true remorse from your wife. I would eject. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 She said that she was mostly addicted to the attention, that she liked the compliments she was getting, that they told her how beautiful and desirable she was from the filtered edited photos she send, she loved hearing them tell her how pretty and sexy she was, and she was addicted to it. I think this is the best answer you are ever going to get from her. Really. This is probably the closest to the truth she is able to come. ' If you want to save the marriage, back off the interrogation. Set aside one evening a week, where for one hour you ask questions and she answers, instead of every night or offhandedly. One of the reasons she gets angry is because you spring it on her, and she is probably not in the right state of mind. If you set aside a designated time once or twice a week, she can emotionally prepare for it and can think her answers through. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) Albeit politically incorrect, I do believe that posters would be taking a different approach in their advice if a male did this to a female. I can see some posters rationalizing and minimizing her actions with statements about how "at least it wasn't physical" but that totally discounts the fact that she voyeured you and distributed it online. That fact alone would be harder for me to get past than a "normal" fell-for-the-jerk-work affair we typically see here. I think I could deal with a one off affair more than I could knowing my girl was making porn for strangers. Anecdotally, I've never seen someone with this heavy of an addiction just stop without a single relapse. They may stop temporarily to avoid consequences but that dopamine rush she gets from doing this is permanently imprinted on her brain. I really doubt even the most severe of consequences could put a stop to it forever. Paradoxically, the bigger deal that's made out of it, the more attention you give the situation the more taboo it becomes and eventually she falls back into the same pattern. There's nothing you've given us that leads me to believe she has the capacity for forethought and introspection that's needed to actually grow and learn from this. On the contrary, it seems like she would like nothing more than to rugsweep and move on. So you have to decide two things: 1) Can you live with this without it destroying you and your ego? 2) If this happens again, can you live with it without it destroying you and your ego? Because you have a lot of life left in front of you and Internet isn't going anywhere. She will always be one click away from reoffending and you will never be able to monitor her enough to make sure it doesn't happen. I can tell you love her and want to give her another chance. If you're going to do that, you are going to have to detach from her and the outcome more than you have now. I'm telling you, she will let you down and you have to be okay with that. You have to be okay with not ever fully knowing who she really is. You have to be okay with knowing she doesn't have the ability to completely control herself. I personally couldn't do it, but I know lots of people who have. It's all about setting appropriate expectations based on her personality and past behavior. You can't "unsee" what you've seen and you don't get your old wife back. That's not how this works unless you want to set yourself up for failure. At this point, there's no more need for talking and asking questions. You can either practice radical acceptance and accept you are married to a person capable of this or you can move on. There's no going back and that's going to be the hardest part to come to terms with. Good luck, man. And tell us more about the therapist! Is she hot? Edited May 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted May 19, 2017 Author Share Posted May 19, 2017 The therapist was sorta hot, she has wild eyes, a crazy wild look in her eyes. I've never had any trouble hooking up with women, I was blessed with good looks so I never had to spend much time "wooing" females for dates. I would ask and they would say yes, or they would approach and proposition me. Anyway I'm afraid my wife is addicted to the dopamine release the online sexting was giving her. During our conversations about it she has told me that she tried many times during her 18 month sexting rampage that she tried to stop but couldn't. Also she said that after I found out it was hard for her to stop, but now that it has been a few months she is over it and has no desire to every live that lifestyle again. She says over and over again that she wishes she could go back and erase it but she can't change the past. She says that she is disgusted with what she did, that she was giving her time to these men instead of her family. The attention, she loved the attention, it gave her a high, she said she was hooked and couldn't stop. I don't know what to do, the ball is in my court so I'm the one that has to make the decision to keep the family together or break it up. That really pisses me off that I have to be the one to make that decision. I kinda of wish she left me for another man, boom it is over, it is on her not me. She can be the "bad" one that makes the decision. Sure I can say the reason I'm divorcing your mother is because she was having multiple affairs, however she is begging to stay together and stopped the betrayal, and is in IC. So I look like the bad guy for not giving her a chance to make it right and keep the family together. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) Anyway I'm afraid my wife is addicted to the dopamine release the online sexting was giving her. I'm sure the rush cheaters get is similar to crack cocaine or even meth. And of course, we know how humans are capable of justifying things when they crave something bad enough, like that kind of high. The risk of relapse is high. You already have all the justification you need to divorce her, and I doubt anyone would ever judge you negatively for doing so. Even fundamentalists and Catholics think it is justified to divorce because of marital infidelity. Having said that, it is smart to proceed with caution, as there is no huge rush to decide either way. Time has a way of clearing the fog that happens when you are in the middle of something. Edited May 19, 2017 by Zona 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 It's really unfair and quite frankly just wrong to think YOU would be breaking up your family. She did it, not you so she gets the blame. Don't let anyone's shaming tactics or victim blaming make you feel guilty for something she did. Personally, I just don't see how anyone who knew the truth of your situation wouldn't clearly see she was responsible for this mess. Just remember, as men, our best interests are rarely ever taken into consideration first. We have the potential to be left on the boat or thrown into the desert dodging bullets simply because we were born male. That's not discounting the female plight, but we definitely do not have the amount of advocacy they have. Her family is naturally going to want you to take it on the chin even if they wouldn't actually do it themselves if they were in your shoes. I think I'd rather just have them drop me in the desert. It's very noble that you love her and family as much as you do. I just have a feeling that you're about to sacrifice yourself for them over nothing. There's multiple outcomes that do not involve you eating a sh*t sandwich only to end up disappointed again. It really got to me when you started blaming yourself and thinking of yourself as a "prude" just because you aren't dumb enough to give blackmail worthy pictures and video to other people. That doesn't make you a prude, that makes you smart. The Internet is full of porn, there's no reason to contribute to it. Your wife could have looked at websites if she wanted some visual stimulation, she chose to cheat on you instead. The Internet just made it more convenient but if it wasn't Internet guys, it would have been someone else. Cheaters gonna cheat. As far as your wife's addiction, the only thing I can think of is heavy electronics monitoring and logging on all devices for the rest of her life and yearly polygraphs. I simply do not think you can trust her to stop without REAL consequences. Watching you get screwed over is not a real consequence. In fact, it's the opposite. It means YOU are taking the consequences for her. And let's just hope something else doesn't happen in the meantime. If you're going to stay, never let your guard down. She's sick, man. She has a real personality issue that's not really fixable with therapy. You might be able to mitigate and manage the damage she causes, but you're trading your life to do it. I wouldn't recommend it, bro, but if you are going to do it anyway, you have to do it on your terms. She doesn't get to magically erase this. She has to wear that scarlet A for the rest of her life. She no longer has a right to privacy. You have to treat like the teenager she mentally is. No smart phones, cameras, etc FOR LIFE. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 You don't have to do anything until you feel the time is right for you. There is no right or wrong for you. It's what you want long term. I sure as hell wouldn't just settle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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