nude pics red flag??

[sandylee1]

It's not just about sexting. If she just wanted to sext, she would have sexted you.

 

She wanted to cheat. She wanted to humiliate you. She wanted to be dominated by these other men. She wanted these other men to dominate you (hence why she let them.) Sexting isn't the thrilling part. Doing it behind your back and getting away with it was. She resents you and wanted to make you pay for it.Why? I can only speculate but I suspect she dislikes the fact that you're a real adult. She wants to go back to high school.

 

Sexting is really minimizing what happened. She cheated with multiple men. If it wasn't online, it would have been the milk man. Cheaters gonna cheat.

 

Way too much speculation on your part.

 

Humiliation is done openly, otherwise it's pointless.

 

The OP isn't a cuckold and domination isn't the issue here.

 

Yes.. She found it thrilling, she was addicted to it and but I don't know where you get resentment towards him here.

 

I'm not condoning her behaviour, but your post seems like a deliberate ploy to aggravate ZH and I can't see how it helps TBH.

[sandylee1]

ZH,

 

I meant to say earlier, your therapist was exceedingly unprofessional and crossed a professional boundary in her conduct with you.

 

I'm UK based, I expect counsellors and therapists are bound by a code of ethics in the US as well.

 

Touching you is a definite no no.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zombie, you are treating your wife with kid gloves and then you are coming on here and complaining about her juvenile behaviour. What are you actually looking for? Are you somehow enjoying this horrible situation as a masochist enjoys emotional and physical pain? What do you hole to achieve by venting here but on the other hand being an enabler of your wife's poor choices and habits? I think you ate running out of options. You either man up and take a stand or lump it and docilely crawl into a corner and lick your wounds and remain quiet. Folks on here cannot really carry your burden for you. Warm wishes.

[zombiehead]

I'm looking for a path to make this marriage work. I come here hoping someone is going to show me the path.

 

I'm off today, just got home from dropping the kids off at school and I'm packing up a lunch and going to spend the day trail riding. I need to get away.

 

Yesterday when I said the kid's miss their mom I was really projecting my feeling on them. Last night she called when I was reading to them, talking to them with her fake high pitch happy voice and I can tell the kids know it's fake, it seem like they were rolling their eyes listening to her. She asked our son if he missed her and he didn't respond. She asked again and he said, "goodnight mom, talk to dad" and he handed me the phone, pretty much the same with our daughter. The twins have always preferred me over her, I spend the most time with them when I'm home, she ignores them around the house. She gives her attention to her online "life". They always since they could talk, "I want daddy", "daddy do it". This may have been one of things that pushed her into her online betrayal. My wife would cry sometimes because the twins would pick me over her. I enjoyed been the favorite, maybe I should have promoted her more with the kids instead of feeling proud that they want me over her. The twins want me to be the one that reads to them at night, they come to me for everything.

 

She should have tried to correct this rejection and be more involved with them, pay attention to them, put the goddmn phone down. Instead she rebelled and became more withdrawn from them, and went deeper into her online distraction, searching for happiness I guess?

 

Man, I know that must of hurt her feelings last night when your own kid will not say he misses you. I could feel her pain, I nearly cried myself because she had to endure that rejection.

 

This morning she texted me "good morning I miss you, just 2 more days til I can see you again" with emojis blowing kisses and hearts, the same emojis she sent on her skype chat with these men. That was triggering me this morning. It's all tainted now.

 

A guy named Carlito emailed her secret account last night at 12:13am, saying "r u there". I responded like her asking who he is and where did we meet. He said that it has been a while since they talked and that he met her on KIK through kikfinder. He is 42 and lives in Belgium. I responded pretending to be her saying don't contact me again, not interested.

 

Anyway, I don't know if there is a path to make this marriage work. I don't want to have to monitor my wife 24/7, what kinda of ****ty life would that be? I'm already living it and it sucks, not fun.

 

Thanks for listening, I want the marriage to work, before smartphones we had a good marriage, then over the last 5 years or so she started giving her time to social media. I hope that she can come back and work towards being apart of the family. We have the best kids you could ask for, they are smart straight A's, awesome athletes, they dominate in sports, they are very kind, they are not mean, they love animals, just great sweet kids, the best you could ask for. I'm so proud of them, I can't imagine putting them through an ugly divorce, they deserve much better. I desperately hope there is path I can lead my wife and our marriage so we can make this work.

[harrybrown]

She has to want her family more than she wants her online attention.

 

You can't make this work by yourself.

 

I do not see any effort on her part to fight the addiction.

 

If you are serious about R, she will have to be more than you.

 

Can see give up facebook and her phone for her family?

 

See a counselor if you are not seeing your attorney.

 

I see trouble.

[here222]

ZH

Please just tell your wife that she needs to back off on social media and put her head and heart into the family and the marriage as you seem be doing the work for the all of you. I hope she gets her st together as that's what it will take to work through this. I have said all along you have time on your side and you do, but you need her help, in getting over this. Just tell her you need more and you need it now. Ask her if you and the family aren't more important then her phone. she needs to lay it down and start seeing what she really has.

I hope she does, you and the twins are worth it.

[Cephalopod]

All this time and not one damn thing has changed. Not one.

 

"You have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it." That tired old phrase is most applicable in your case.

[drifter777]

You are asking for help to save your marriage - to find the path to do just that. We can't do that for you. The best we can do is give you feedback and advice based on our own experiences. We can help you on the path to healing but you have to figure out how to save your marriage.

 

When an addict finishes a 30 - 60 day rehab stint, they have an aftercare plan to follow. It turns out that it's the aftercare participation that pretty much predicts when they will be back in rehab. Some of the key elements of an aftercare program are ending all contact with your "using" friends. Those friends are part of the drug/alcohol world and if you start hanging out with them you immediately begin to show "using behavior". Within a few hours/days, your using again. Also important is daily therapy. Often it's something like "50 meetings in 50 days" or some such intense style of therapy. You need to surround yourself with new people who understand what you are going through and, like you, are working to stay clean and sober. If an addict is able to stick with their aftercare program the odds are that they will still relapse, however they are usually able to right the ship and get back with the program. It usually takes a few real, serious attempts to get clean before a person is able to "make it". They are always addicts but they learn how to live without drugs/alcohol. They are able to function as a whole human being again.

 

Without aftercare they have pretty much 100% chance of relapse.

 

So, is your wife still exhibiting "using behavior"? That damn phone is like a using-buddy to her and a post on Facebook is very close to a post on Kik. Texting with you - or anyone - is close to sexting with others. I guess I'm answering the question for you.

 

What about therapy? How often is she seeing a counselor? Has she identified a sexual addiction group that she could attend? Has she done anything that you would consider "aftercare"?

 

Private access to her phone for a few days is, I think, a temptation that few addicts could resist. What did her counselor say about this idea? What did her sexual addition group think of this plan?

 

No one can stop cold-turkey - especially without a tremendous amount of help. Yeah, she can stop today but what about the thousands of tomorrows that she's going to face? If she doesn't have a plan for continued aftercare then she is just kidding herself about stopping all this. Your wife has a huge task in front of her if she is ever going to be able to stay away from sexting. I don't think either of you realize it and are willing to look at this hard truth. To save your marriage you both are going to go through hell and your kids are going to continue to be collateral damage. Sometimes saving your family means ending a bad marriage.

[HereNorThere]

The missing piece of the puzzle.

 

Most women look for validation in a marriage, thru their children and their husbands. From the time they could talk, your children reach out to you, instead of their mother. They do not even say they miss her. So she hides the despair with her fake happy voice. She may feel that you guys do not need her. If you want this to work and are desperately seeking a path, talk to your children and tell them your wife feels she is not missed or needed. Fix that right away.

 

Think about it. What if something happened to her? Would the kids miss her then? Would they regret handing over the phone and saying talk to dad?

 

ASSUMING THERE WAS NO PA, your wife has shown you a small part of her sexuality, which may include exhibitionism. You can suppress it, call her sick and divorce her, or you can try something a little different, which may include listening and figuring out what THE BOTH OF YOU you can live with. The only reason I write this, is because even though her transgressions were deep, there probably has not been a PA, she did hold a boundary, and you wish to R.

 

BTW, Missing, Needing and Loving her is not the same as forgiving everything she has done. And change should come from both sides

 

You want to save your marriage.

 

She is coming home in 2 days.

 

Start saving it.

 

Hate to break it to you, but by literal definition, sexting is a physical affair. Physical means "of the body" and she was sharing her body. Emotional affairs are something completely different.

 

Maybe you mean physical contact but she absolutely used her body in the multiple affairs.

[Superchicken]

Hey, Zombie, you have plans for the future ?.

 

 

No, well, then take it one step at a time.

You don't need plans.

You just need time. So, for this, you have plenty of it.

You have a semi controlled situation, and you are holding the course of ALL your lives.

 

 

So why rush into a decision. Just keep going as you are, and let things fall into place one at a time.

It seems some already have fallen into place (Some, in, out, in, out ).

If, in the future you can forgive (But not forget), then you have your life back.

 

 

Ted.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zombie, pay close attention to what S2B said. A change on your situation will happen only if you change something. What you change will depend on the change that you want to see in your marital situation. What Drifter has said is so pertinent to your situation. You are looking for ways to save your marriage, well you have been given a lot of good advice here. However, all the good advice will come to nought if you do not act upon it. I do not know if you have a plan for how you want to save your marriage but if you do not have one then you have to start working on it immediately. If you are not able to do so on your own work with a counsellor and design one. You can work on this in IC and also MC with your wife on board and once you have a plan you implement it and co opt your wife on making things happen.

 

Without a plan you will be like a ship without a rudder floundering in the high seas. What you have been doing up to now is fatal to your marriage and your wife is going scot free and not contributing one whit to recovering the marriage. You might as well throw in the towel because at the end you are not going to win the fight. What Heathen said makes eminent sense. Your wife may be feeling like a spare wheel in this marriage when her own children do not acknowledge her and you feel proud that they seek you out instead of their attention being equitably distributed. The entire family has been alienating her and treating her like an outsider and so she has started behaving like one. She has to feel needed by her children and by you if you want her to be invested in this marriage. It is as if you have taken a hammer and hit your big toe and then you are hopping around and wondering why it is paining. Remember Newton's third law of motion applies to human relationships too. It states "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction". You love your wife and she will love you back. You hate her and she will hate you back. You push her away and she will push you back. You treat her like an outsider and she will treat you like an outsider too. So get your act together, stop venting about her flaws here and start loving her. Alternatively, if you cannot forgive her for what she has done then just divorce her and get on with your life. You've already spent a lot of time fulminating and vacillating and now it is time you got down to doing something concrete. Warm wishes.

Edited May 23, 2017 by Just a Guy

[zombiehead]

Wife called at dinner and again the twins didnt want to talk to her. Before calling mom before bedtime I asked the twins if they would talk to their mom and not get off the phone quickly and tell her you miss her and love her. I called her and handed the phone to our son 1st and he did as I requested. Both of them talked to her and told her they miss her. The twins sounded sincere and sweet when speaking with her.

 

It is hard to love her after this, I'm angry and completely disgusted. I read an article today about sexting infidelity today and much of it was spot on with what I'm feeling. It stated that many betrayed spouses feel like they no longer know their wayward spouse after they discover they have been sending sexual text and nude photos to their affair partner. I tell my wife that all the time, "I don't know who you are". Also it said sex with the wayward spouse after discovery feels cheap. Yup spot on. The article discussed the levels of online infidelity with phone sex and live webcam sex being the most severe and yup she did both of those.

 

She is on facebook all day acting happy, that makes me angry. I wish I was all happy, I'm hurting sliding into deep depression, constant mind movies.

 

Honestly if we didnt have kids I would have divorced when she wouldn't unlock her pbone after I caught her snapping nude selfies.

 

I really hate myself for not divorcing, the twins are the only reason I havent filed. Just seeing her with her smartphone in her hand is a trigger, I get pissed, it reminds me that she was sexting during everything, birthdays, anniversaries, kid's games, kid's practices, family vacations, school play, graduation, 1st day of school, New Years, Xmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween. These men were there for all of it, she was sending them pics of our kids, telling these men all about our family life, she brought these men along on our vacations, updating them daily with what we are doing.

 

 

Yeah I wish it was that easy to start loving her again when you feel more like giving her the middle finger salute and telling her to go fck herself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Please reread your last post and tell me why you want her back.

 

Be completely and totally honest with yourself.

 

You and you alone have the answers....you and you alone know what is best for your family.

 

YOur post is full of YOU telling YOU what you should do. How about you listen to YOU.

[zombiehead]

The only reason I havent divorced is because I dont want the twins raised in a broken home. Im trying to eat the sht sandwich but I keep puking it back out. I'm hoping someone will write something that can help me forget and forgive. I do want to forgive and try to make it work. When will this anger pass. At this moment my wife is out having drinks with some of her friends that she grew up with. Laughing it up taking selfies and I'm home taking care of our family.

[harrybrown]

Why is she out with friends?

 

How do you know they are not other men?

 

I thought her family and her world were about to be blown up.

 

How is she dealing with any consequences of her actions?

[understand50]

The only reason I havent divorced is because I dont want the twins raised in a broken home. Im trying to eat the sht sandwich but I keep puking it back out. I'm hoping someone will write something that can help me forget and forgive. I do want to forgive and try to make it work. When will this anger pass. At this moment my wife is out having drinks with some of her friends that she grew up with. Laughing it up taking selfies and I'm home taking care of our family.

 

zombiehead,

 

Here it is. You are never going to forget what she did - Ever. If you want to stay with her and stop living a life of hell, you are going to have to decide that you love her more then what she did. This is the only way, accept what she did, or file for divorce. I wish there was a magic "forget" pill, but there not.

 

So the first step, are you going to stay with her, and if you are, are you going to do the hard work that is needed?

 

I wish you luck....

[Mrs. John Adams]

The only reason I havent divorced is because I dont want the twins raised in a broken home. Im trying to eat the sht sandwich but I keep puking it back out. I'm hoping someone will write something that can help me forget and forgive. I do want to forgive and try to make it work. When will this anger pass. At this moment my wife is out having drinks with some of her friends that she grew up with. Laughing it up taking selfies and I'm home taking care of our family.

 

ZH...you are living in a broken home. YOu are in a broken relationship. You are a broken man.

 

Don't you see all this? My GOd...you hate her. EVery post you make is one of resentment. You resent who she is...and what she is doing...and what she is thinking...and if she is happy. Please tell me what you are trying to save? If she makes you sick...how can you ever live with her?

 

Do you think keeping your children in the atmosphere is a good one?

 

You dont need any of us to tell you what you want. YOu already know it but you wont listen to yourself.

 

No one...NO ONE can write and tell you how to forget and forgive.

 

You have been told over and over and over again the tools to use toward healing....you have been given advice from every angle and viewpoint...

 

Dont you see my friend....you have control over one person...you.

You cannot make her get better...you cannot make her stop...you cannot control her....

 

If you cannot love and accept her the way she is....then i hate to tell you...she is not going to become someone else.

 

I am sorry....you have beaten this horse to death.

 

You either accept her for who she is...or you shut her down. YOu have two choices....and PLEASE stop using your kids for an excuse.

 

Do what is right for you...they will respect you for it...and you might even respect yourself.

[sandylee1]

If you split amicably, it will be easier on the kids and don't leave it till the sight of her makes you want to throw up.

 

Consider a separation in which you can have space and decide what you want.

 

It's hard to respect the mother of your children after what she's done. It feels like a violation, because it is. Her sharing pictures of the kids is a line she should not have crossed.

 

There's a reason the twins prefer you. Considering she doesn't work, they still prefer you to do things with them.

 

Probably because she's distracted while with them and they sense that.

 

You may just find more peace within yourself without her.

 

The key to not affecting the children so much, is being amicable and coparenting well.

 

It looks like they'd choose to live with you, if you split.

[QuietDan]

It sounds like your wayward wife is on the edge ready too fall into a hard relapse. Alcohol, social media addict,....and the rest. She is too ignorant and hasn't learned any new skills or understanding to keep grom stumbling again. It sounds like she is about to trigger you into blowing up the marraige. Sinceher head is still too far up her ....... You probably should take her phone and social privileges from her for a significantly longer period of time if your intention is to try to save your marriage in spite of your wife's current foolishness.

[BaileyB]

Your kids may not know exactly "what" has happened between their parents, but I can well imagine that they know "something" has happened. Kids are smart, they feel these things. They also like to eavesdrop - you have no idea what they have seen or overheard.

 

It makes me very sad that you have to encourage your children to talk with their mother. It makes me very sad that you do this because in so doing, you place their mother's needs above the needs of your children. I would encourage you to respect their feelings and not encourage the children to stay on the phone with their mother if they do not want to talk.

 

Your wife is living in her own fantasy land. It would seem, she has been living in this fantasy for a long time - you just didn't know it because you were working under the illusion that you were a happy, healthy family. And, you may be physically living under one roof now, but your home is a broken home. Your twins are well aware of this fact. The only person still somewhat pretending is you...

Edited May 24, 2017 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

You probably should take her phone and social privileges from her for a significantly longer period of time.

 

With all due respect, that is the responsibility of a parent, not a husband.

 

OP, do you really want to be her parent? Don't you deserve more from your wife, the mother of your children, your life partner, than this?

[Steen719]

Ok, so I know this sounds trite and I am not a big fan of Dr. Phil, but when someone repeated that he said it was better to come from a broken home than to be in one, I gave that a lot of thought. Was that true? I think so. Your children will not experience a loving, easygoing fun filled home if you remain in a relationship that is filled with strife, resentment and distrust.

 

When you are doing your reading, look at some information on how children do when couples divorce. I think the prevailing thought is that they do better when they are younger. My son was 20-not a pretty deal there when infidelity is mixed in.

 

It certainly is not for me to say what you should do, but I have to say that her anger at you, her ability to stay on fb, go out for drinks with friends and yuk it up after all she did does not seem to bode well for her having much true remorse. I feel bad for you for having a bunch of crap ruining your life and now you feel you must stay with the person that did this to you. UGH...sad:sick:

[BettyDraper]

Ok, so I know this sounds trite and I am not a big fan of Dr. Phil, but when someone repeated that he said it was better to come from a broken home than to be in one, I gave that a lot of thought. Was that true? I think so. Your children will not experience a loving, easygoing fun filled home if you remain in a relationship that is filled with strife, resentment and distrust.

 

When you are doing your reading, look at some information on how children do when couples divorce. I think the prevailing thought is that they do better when they are younger. My son was 20-not a pretty deal there when infidelity is mixed in.

 

It certainly is not for me to say what you should do, but I have to say that her anger at you, her ability to stay on fb, go out for drinks with friends and yuk it up after all she did does not seem to bode well for her having much true remorse. I feel bad for you for having a bunch of crap ruining your life and now you feel you must stay with the person that did this to you. UGH...sad:sick:

 

I agree. My parents stayed together for their kids and it was a nightmare.

They still hate each other to this day.

[aliveagain]

I hate to tell you this but your going to hate yourself for sacrificing your youth later on. Guess what you will have after the children leave home, someone that needs a lot of validation but not necessarily from you.

[road]

The only reason I havent divorced is because I dont want the twins raised in a broken home. Im trying to eat the sht sandwich but I keep puking it back out. I'm hoping someone will write something that can help me forget and forgive. I do want to forgive and try to make it work. When will this anger pass. At this moment my wife is out having drinks with some of her friends that she grew up with. Laughing it up taking selfies and I'm home taking care of our family.

 

Time.

 

 

Anger phase lasts up to six months.