nude pics red flag??

[zombiehead]

Excited about going camping tomorrow. There is a 10 mile moutain bike loop. After dinner yesterday I took the twins to the bike shop and bought them new mountain bikes and I bought my wife a new as well. Hopefully some good family bonding will happen. The twins are excited and love their nee bikes. They were do for a bike upgrade same with my wife.

[here222]

ZH

Have a great time, I think your attitude is very good. I hope you come back next week with a happy ending. Don't forget to take a little time at night for just you and your wife. Please come back tired and happy.

[BettyDraper]

Excited about going camping tomorrow. There is a 10 mile moutain bike loop. After dinner yesterday I took the twins to the bike shop and bought them new mountain bikes and I bought my wife a new as well. Hopefully some good family bonding will happen. The twins are excited and love their nee bikes. They were do for a bike upgrade same with my wife.

 

It looks like you're trying to move forward. That is admirable...I just don't think your wife should be receiving positive reinforcement after what she has done. Gifts and trips are rewards.

[BaileyB]

It looks like you're trying to move forward. That is admirable...I just don't think your wife should be receiving positive reinforcement after what she has done. Gifts and trips are rewards.

 

Without a doubt. This woman has done an egregious thing, and she has been rewarded with a family trip and a new bicycle. Life is good!

[BaileyB]

Excited about going camping tomorrow. There is a 10 mile moutain bike loop. After dinner yesterday I took the twins to the bike shop and bought them new mountain bikes and I bought my wife a new as well. Hopefully some good family bonding will happen. The twins are excited and love their nee bikes. They were do for a bike upgrade same with my wife.

 

Acceptance is an interesting thing, it comes only when the individual is ready and sometimes, it never comes at all.

 

I hope that the difficulties you are having accepting the situation and providing meaningful consequences don't prove the old adage correct... Those who do not learn from history, are doomed to repeat it.

 

Good luck to you. Enjoy the weekend.

Edited May 25, 2017 by BaileyB

[HereNorThere]

It's not fair to say he loves being her victim. By all accounts, he's basically trading his life and sanity because he loves her. The bigger issue is that he is left powerless. She's not mature enough to take care of herself and punishing her feels like swatting your dog two days after it peed on the carpet because she doesn't really understand or care anyway.

 

I dated a girl like this once and know exactly what he's going through. Their whimsical nature blinds you to their level of pathology. I'm sure she looks at him with those child like eyes and just melts him. Like I said, I've been there and it's a total mind F. The histrionic women are really, really hard to get rid of in that sense. I imagine it's a lot trying to punish a small child.

 

I described this woman I dated to my therapist once and said "She's just not smart or mature enough to understand what she's doing." He quickly corrected me and sternly said "No, she knows exactly what she's doing and it works. Don't sell her short" and he was totally right.

Edited May 25, 2017 by HereNorThere

[Zona]

Excited about going camping tomorrow. There is a 10 mile moutain bike loop. After dinner yesterday I took the twins to the bike shop and bought them new mountain bikes and I bought my wife a new as well. Hopefully some good family bonding will happen. The twins are excited and love their nee bikes. They were do for a bike upgrade same with my wife.

 

I'm surprised you continue to post here considering how cruel and judgmental some people can be. Seems like you have enough confidence in yourself that you just don't care, which is great.

 

It's not like you didn't know when you entered the marriage that your wife was a bit of a "wild child". I think really high sex drive women are hard for a lot of people to understand, not that it excuses her behavior in any way, and you still have a lot to work on obviously.

 

Anyways, enjoy your trip. Hopefully you can get through the weekend without negative thoughts creeping back in your head and ruining it!

[zombiehead]

Infidelity unfortunately is not uncommon, probably most marriages are rocked by betrayal. There is plenty of information about coping with infidelity on the internet. I know what the pick me dance is and that is not what I'm doing nor my situation. She has picked the marriage, is totally transparent and is in IC to correct what caused her to stray. She is struggling with social media, they need for more attention validation.

 

The bike was not really a gift, upgrading her bike was the plan for more than a year we just haven't done it until yesterday.

 

She enjoys mountain biking, she is a thrill seeker, athletic, competitive, aggressive and also a bit selfish, stubborn, inconsiderate, and maybe somewhat narcissistic.

 

We are a good fit, she loves all the things I do, skiing, scuba, mountain biking, hiking, camping, fishing, rafting ect ect. She is a great fearless skier.

 

Anyway looking forward to heading out in the morning. She and the twins took their new bikes out on the local trail after school today to get adjusted to them. They are all really.excited to ride the trails this weekend.

 

Thanks for all the help.

[drifter777]

What help? I don't think you listened to a single word. I guess if venting helped then we listened to you vent. Your welcome....I guess.

 

I hope I'm wrong but I see zero chance that your wife is cured of her addiction. Hopefully you can both learn to live with it until she's so old no one wants to play with her anymore.

[Mr Blunt]

She enjoys mountain biking, she is a thrill seeker, athletic, competitive, aggressive and also a bit selfish, stubborn, inconsiderate, and maybe somewhat narcissistic.

 

She also has proven to you that she puts her sexual excitement ahead of you and your children. You are not number one, in fact you are not even number two! You are compromising because you are weak. You have been given a lot of great advice but you choose to overlook, what you have described above, what your wife has proven to you. You choose to live in fantasy land because you do not want to face reality.

[Phoenician]

Zombiehead ,

 

While everybody else is critisizing , I want to congratulate you for your wise thinking .

 

Though your wife did something bad , and since you love her and your family ; I agree that wha you have done is a great achivement , provided that you make it clear to her that similar mistakes will not be tolarated .

 

-Some ppl think that Divorce is easy ;

-they think that an adult can be punished .

 

 

 

well guys who are on this side , let me tell you that trying to really punish a wife leads only to divorce .

 

An adult wife will never accept it especially if she is stuborn .

 

the more pressure you put , the farther she will be , the only thing you can do nowadays is to put future boundaries .

 

what this lady has done is not mature ; but it was just a fantasy ; she didn't sleep with or met any one as far as I red unless I am mistaken ; she did seek a virtual attraction .

 

 

we don't know the real circumstances that led her to this .

 

 

Zombiehead ; go ahead man make her feel happy ; if she is a good person she will rweward you ; otherwise you have done more than what anybody can do .

 

good luck and enjoy !

[road]

Punishing a WW is not how to recover a marriage.

 

Telling a BH to divorce a WW that is doing the work to recover does

not make sense.

[Friskyone4u]

Zombie

 

You're up to almost 750 posts and you have made your choice. If you can put this all behind you good for you.

 

Your wife has an addiction that is going to be very hard to control and even harder for you to regain trust with given how easy electronically it is, especially for women, to get their attention fix on the internet.

 

Don't know why there is anyone giving you advice. It's all been stated and you've made your choice. Good luck.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

The bike was not really a gift, upgrading her bike was the plan for more than a year we just haven't done it until yesterday.

 

She enjoys mountain biking, she is a thrill seeker, athletic, competitive, aggressive and also a bit selfish, stubborn, inconsiderate, and maybe somewhat narcissistic.

 

We are a good fit, she loves all the things I do, skiing, scuba, mountain biking, hiking, camping, fishing, rafting ect ect. She is a great fearless skier.

 

Anyway looking forward to heading out in the morning. She and the twins took their new bikes out on the local trail after school today to get adjusted to them. They are all really.excited to ride the trails this weekend.

 

Thanks for all the help.

 

Mountain biking (and other endurance disciplines) has been my mental health savior. Nothing can clear your mind and re-ground you like a 2 hour mountain bike ride in the woods.

 

Hopefully these outdoor activities can be a bonding experience for you and your wife that are void of triggers. Unfortunately, some of the thing I used to love doing I no longer do them because either it is a trigger, requires too much reframing, and/or my wife did those activities with her AP.

[zombiehead]

All the responses were helpful, thank you. I ran several recovery apps on her phone last night for deleted message and photos. It was clean, old sexting pics came up from when she was doing it but nothing new. The phone is set up to.send the pics to the cloud however I was concerned she may have turned that off do some nude selfies then turn it back on before she came home. She didnt she is clean.

 

Anyway I'm feeling much better, the anger is not there I feel more pity for her than anger. I'm glad a found a differnt camping location, this camping trip will be like a fresh start for us.

 

I do believe she hasnt sexted since I confronted her with the evidence. She didnt continue, she stopped unlocked her phone and let me go through everything. She gave me the phone and used a flip phone for months and started IC.

 

I think we are turning a corner and starting to move forward.

 

Thanks again

[here222]

ZH

You really sound like you are on the road, just stay focused and I think you will get there. You sound really positive so just have a good time with the kids and be sure and have FUN with your wife as that should help you both.

And yes I think you are a strong person and that you really have got this.

[Friskyone4u]

All the responses were helpful, thank you. I ran several recovery apps on her phone last night for deleted message and photos. It was clean, old sexting pics came up from when she was doing it but nothing new. The phone is set up to.send the pics to the cloud however I was concerned she may have turned that off do some nude selfies then turn it back on before she came home. She didnt she is clean.

 

Anyway I'm feeling much better, the anger is not there I feel more pity for her than anger. I'm glad a found a differnt camping location, this camping trip will be like a fresh start for us.

 

I do believe she hasnt sexted since I confronted her with the evidence. She didnt continue, she stopped unlocked her phone and let me go through everything. She gave me the phone and used a flip phone for months and started IC.

 

I think we are turning a corner and starting to move forward.

 

Thanks again

 

 

OK Zombie, as I said good luck. Personal;ly, if i was you, I would add another layer to randomly checking the way you are and in about six months id ask for a polygraph. With what she has done she ought to be begging you to hook her up.

 

Remember, youre pulling phone and chat records. You have NO PROOF i do not believe that she has not met any of these men in person or whether or not she has contacted them by any means. A polygraph will answer that in less than an hours.

[Mrs. John Adams]

ZH...I am happy that you are happy. You know your wife...I dont. I hope and pray she gives you everything you want and that you live happily ever after.

 

She may truly have learned from her choices...she may really give you everything you need to know that she understands what she has done.

 

You need to continue what you need to do to provide peace of mind.

 

If I were you...I would go have a great weekend....close this thread...and live my life with my wife and kids.

 

You dont need any more help or advice. You have made your decision.

 

Best of luck to you...and may you be as happy and blessed as I have been.

 

Mrs. JA FWW

[Zona]

She enjoys mountain biking, she is a thrill seeker, athletic, competitive, aggressive and also a bit selfish, stubborn, inconsiderate, and maybe somewhat narcissistic.

 

We are a good fit, she loves all the things I do, skiing, scuba, mountain biking, hiking, camping, fishing, rafting ect ect. She is a great fearless skier.

 

Just a few random thoughts.

 

Too bad you and her didn't find some outlet for her overdrive sexuality before this happened. If a couple agrees upon stuff together with clear boundaries, then there is no betrayal.

 

She is obviously the adrenaline junkie type, and can take a ton of stimulation, and craves it. This in itself is not a negative, but needs to be focused and disciplined (and something that won't wreck your marriage obviously, like what she was doing).

 

The fact that she did not seem to ever have any kind of emotional connection with her internet peeps is a good sign I think, it means that she has all the emotional connection she needs with you and your twins.

 

There is no point trying to continue to punish her at this point. I'm sure she is smart enough to understand you are pissed to the point of considering divorce.

 

I personally think that the best thing that could happen this weekend is for her to re-bond with your twins and get closer to them. This will make her value the marriage even more and want to work at staying "clean", so to speak.

[Mr Blunt]

 

Originally posted by Phoenicia

Zombiehead ,

 

While everybody else is criticizing , I want to congratulate you for your wise thinking.

 

Though your wife did something bad , and since you love her and your family ; I agree that what you have done is a great achivement , provided that you make it clear to her that similar mistakes will not be tolarated .

 

“You choose to live in fantasy land because you do not want to face reality.”

My post above was not criticizing, it was telling him the truth so that he can make decisions.

 

I do not understand congratulating Zombiehead for his wise thinking when he said just a few days ago the quotes below:

 

Originally Posted by zombiehead

 

I'm just one of her online "followers" not really her husband.

The closeness is gone, it has been gone for a long time.

 

I have to ask her to give our relationship attention, she would rather have her face buried in her phone than interact with me and our kids.

 

She is on facebook all day acting happy, that makes me angry. I wish I was all happy, I'm hurting sliding into deep depression, constant mind movies.

 

 

She went out with her friends she grew up with last night. They went to "On the Border" last night for dinner and drinks. They had a good time, snapping selfies for facebook like a bunch of teenage girls not 40yr old women. Group selfies, girl on girl, cheek to cheek trying to look sexy selfies. She was back at her parents by 8:30. She had 3 or 4 margaritas and was buzzing pretty hard. Her speech was slurred a bit

 

I hate to do this but I'm going to have to coach my wife on how to be remorseful if our marriage is going to survive because she just doesnt get it.

 

She needs a lot of work, this sexting betrayal is just a symptom of a deeper flaw in her personality that is going to be difficult to correct because she is so stubborn, I mean really stubborn.

 

Zombiehead’s words above that were posted just a few days ago are in stark contrast to his post today when he said “I think we are turning a corner and starting to move forward.”

 

I have never seen such a great change in just a few days with someone that has "deeper flaws in her personality" so to me that seems to not be reality but in fantasyland.

 

I will not be posting on this thread anymore so those of you that want to congratulate Zombiehead…go for it!

[HereNorThere]

I work in I.T. for a living and specialize in security. iPhones and Androids are sorta my thing. Just so you are aware, restoration software will not always pick up the things you are looking for.

 

iPhones have a full disk encryption so as long as the phone is powered on and logged in the passcode/fingerprint, you will be able to recover files marked for deletion (deleted) files in the unallocated (unused) space. The problem is that Apple allows app designers to encrypt their apps with a different key than the entire disk if they choose to. So an app like Snapchat may have a different decryption key than the rest of the phone. Restoration software may not be able to pick up items deleted within that app.

 

Tl, dr. - Your best bet is to monitor her app store usage to see if she downloads any new apps because pictures taken with something other than the default iPhone camera may not show up in the cloud nor may you be able to restore them with your software.

 

Good luck and I hope you guys have a great holiday weekend.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Good grief...

 

I have an I phone and i have no idea what you just said. Do you think she knows all this technical crap?

 

Look...she is a bored wife who got off on taking pictures of herself and sharing them with other men. She isn't a spy for God's sake.

 

I dont even HAVE the cloud....every time it asks me i say no. Now do I really have the cloud or not? and if i do have the cloud...i dont know how to use it.

 

The bottom line here is the man has made his choice no matter what the rest of the folks here think or say. If it works out for him..GREAT. If it doesn't he will be back. No sweat off of our backs. We all move to the next one.

[understand50]

zombiehead,

 

I echo what Mrs. JA states, if y7ou would like you decision respected, and you would like to move more to a "Need Help with Reconciliation" conversation, you should end this thread d stat a new. There are many here, both BS and WS, that have are in successful reconciliations, and can offer some insight. As always, take what you need, and work on what you can find.

 

I am glad you seem to turn a corner, and hope you get the outcome you need and want.

 

I wish you luck....

[merrmeade]

I work in I.T. for a living and specialize in security. iPhones and Androids are sorta my thing. Just so you are aware, restoration software will not always pick up the things you are looking for.

 

iPhones have a full disk encryption so as long as the phone is powered on and logged in the passcode/fingerprint, you will be able to recover files marked for deletion (deleted) files in the unallocated (unused) space. The problem is that Apple allows app designers to encrypt their apps with a different key than the entire disk if they choose to. So an app like Snapchat may have a different decryption key than the rest of the phone. Restoration software may not be able to pick up items deleted within that app.

 

Tl, dr. - Your best bet is to monitor her app store usage to see if she downloads any new apps because pictures taken with something other than the default iPhone camera may not show up in the cloud nor may you be able to restore them with your software.

 

Good luck and I hope you guys have a great holiday weekend.

No, what Herenorthere advised is not that complicated - just his explanation. And just because LS readers/posters don't understand doesn't mean ZH should ignore it.

 

The reason he should follow up is because, if his overtime sleuthing is what reassures him she's clean, he can add the simple step HNT recommended: Checking her use of the App store to see what new apps she's downloading.

 

But he didn't say how. Just open App Store and click on Updates (bottom) / Purchased (top) / My Purchases. The "All" tab is all apps ever downloaded and "Not on this phone," I think, is just deleted apps. Not hard. Takes 1 minute. At least, I think thats what he meant.

 

HNT or spmebody can add or correct.

 

Good luck...

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

[merrmeade]

What I don't know is how you determine WHEN these apps were downloaded or deleted.... ???