nude pics red flag??

[deadsoul]

Zombie, that is good news. You do what works for you and your family. Keep in mind that the emotions will go up and down for awhile. That's what I'm experiencing with my BH. I hope you will keep us posted on your progress.

[HereNorThere]

What I don't know is how you determine WHEN these apps were downloaded or deleted.... ???

 

The quickest way to check the download date of an app is to login to https://reportaproblem.apple.com

 

This will give you the last 90 worth of downloaded apps and the date they were downloaded. Otherwise, you'll have to find a PC or Mac and check the purchase history in iTunes.

[aliveagain]

HNT, awesome, thank you for that. Zombiehead, hope you are right about the turned corner and wish you nothing but the best.

[zombiehead]

Thanks to my wife's online betrayal I've become a smartphone expert. There are 1000s of youtube videos showing you everything you need to know. I know how to check her app history, recover deleted photos, texts ect ect. I was able to see the upload history, it would list exactly which app she uploaded a photo to, IG, Skype, Whatsapp, Tango, ect ect. I could see where she uploaded the photo, it would break down the history by app, all the ones that went to IG where together, KIK ect ect.

 

Anyway, we had a good time on the trip, the wife and twins all had pretty bad wipeouts on their bikes. Once we got past 8 miles they were getting tired and the wrecks starting happening. It was a tough trail, hard climbs and gnarly drops. I went back and did the 10 mile loop again by myself so I could go at my own pace. We had fun cooking out and chasing away the raccoons. We went swimming and fishing, the twins caught a bunch of fish.

 

It was a good family time. I don't feel the deep connection I once felt for my wife. I'm going to give it some time and see if we can have that closeness again. The anger hasn't been there and I'm trying to understand why it is lifting. I haven't forgiven her, I think that I just don't care, I'm not mad at her, I pity her, she is the one that has a problem. She knows that if she ever did it again the marriage would be over.

 

All the responses have been very helpful, you guys gave me strength and helped me understand what was happening to me mentally.

[HereNorThere]

I will admit, using her fingerprint while she slept was a freaking awesome exploit. I saved that in my arsenal in case I ever need it.

 

I won't fault you for trying to reconcile and dude, OF COURSE you lost that connection. I mean, if you walked up and stabbed me in the back with a kitchen knife, and said "Sorry about that, we cool, bro?" No bro, we are not cool. Now take me to the hospital!

 

I will say, posters here have made it through worse. It's on your wife now to prove that she's a safe partner. And if all else fails, the twins will eventually be old enough that you can walk away without causing long term damage.

 

Just don't let your guard down and don't assume anything without concrete proof. If I've learned anything in my days as a computer guy, it's that there's more things I don't know about technology than I do. It sucks, but if I were you, I'd definitely look into some stealth VARs, GPS for the car, etc. I'm not telling him to track her even move or read every message. I'm telling you to make sure you have the capability to do so if the time comes.

 

Happy for you and glad you had good time. You know where to find me if you need technical advice. I'd make light work out of her just for the lulz.

[zombiehead]

Yeah it was like divine intervention how that worked out.

[HereNorThere]

I've often wondered how many cheating spouses read that and disabled Touch ID at that very moment.

 

Don't worry cheating spouses, we honestly prefer to monitor you remotely.

[usa1ah]

Thanks to my wife's online betrayal I've become a smartphone expert. There are 1000s of youtube videos showing you everything you need to know. I know how to check her app history, recover deleted photos, texts ect ect. I was able to see the upload history, it would list exactly which app she uploaded a photo to, IG, Skype, Whatsapp, Tango, ect ect. I could see where she uploaded the photo, it would break down the history by app, all the ones that went to IG where together, KIK ect ect.

 

Anyway, we had a good time on the trip, the wife and twins all had pretty bad wipeouts on their bikes. Once we got past 8 miles they were getting tired and the wrecks starting happening. It was a tough trail, hard climbs and gnarly drops. I went back and did the 10 mile loop again by myself so I could go at my own pace. We had fun cooking out and chasing away the raccoons. We went swimming and fishing, the twins caught a bunch of fish.

 

It was a good family time. I don't feel the deep connection I once felt for my wife. I'm going to give it some time and see if we can have that closeness again. The anger hasn't been there and I'm trying to understand why it is lifting. I haven't forgiven her, I think that I just don't care, I'm not mad at her, I pity her, she is the one that has a problem. She knows that if she ever did it again the marriage would be over.

 

All the responses have been very helpful, you guys gave me strength and helped me understand what was happening to me mentally.

 

 

I know why. You are letting go like I did. You are falling out of love with her. I know this feeling.

[zombiehead]

I feel the same way. Time will tell, hopefully this loveless feeling will pass, I don't want to be in a loveless marriage. The twins are in bed and I'm not looking forward to join my wife in bed. We are not fighting, everything is normal except what I'm feeling in my heart towards her. I'm sure she will want to snuggle and hopefully for her lead to sex, but I'm not feeling it. Sex with her feels cheap now, it feels like I'm having sex with a stranger. It is hard not to picture the videos those men sent her and the nude pics and sex chat when we are having sex. I would like to go back to separate rooms again but that would be a step backwards.

 

I'm going to try hard to love her again, like it was before. Like I said I'll give it the rest of this year, but I will not waste another year in a loveless relationship. I hope I can get my heart to love her again.

[HereNorThere]

If you don't want to have sex with her, don't have sex with her. If she has a problem with that, so be it. She should have thought of that before she betrayed you. The dynamic in your reconciliation is backwards. She's the one who should be walking on eggshells, not you.

 

I think she's made you accept enough. Don't do anything you don't want to do.

[zombiehead]

Having more dates could help rebuild the closeness help us reconnect. I have a babysitter lined up for Friday and I'm taking her out and we are going to do what we did on our 1st date. I took her to play putt putt golf then we had cheese tots at Sonic. She moved here from out of state when she was 22 and she never had sonic and she loves cheese and tots. It was a great 1st date, maybe that will help.

[usa1ah]

I feel the same way. Time will tell, hopefully this loveless feeling will pass, I don't want to be in a loveless marriage. The twins are in bed and I'm not looking forward to join my wife in bed. We are not fighting, everything is normal except what I'm feeling in my heart towards her. I'm sure she will want to snuggle and hopefully for her lead to sex, but I'm not feeling it. Sex with her feels cheap now, it feels like I'm having sex with a stranger. It is hard not to picture the videos those men sent her and the nude pics and sex chat when we are having sex. I would like to go back to separate rooms again but that would be a step backwards.

 

I'm going to try hard to love her again, like it was before. Like I said I'll give it the rest of this year, but I will not waste another year in a loveless relationship. I hope I can get my heart to love her again.

 

 

Hey Z, if you are going to make a go at it do not try to fall for her again. Date your wife and just let it happen. You cannot force yourself to love her.

 

Before you do this you have to stop the mind movies.

 

I missed it somewhere, did you ever find out if she ever met up with any of them?

[Mrs. John Adams]

ZH...you know i am rooting for you. But I could not let this pass without making a couple of comments.

 

You know that I cheated on my John...and he let me stay. But the one thing i want to tell you is...he never stopped loving me. Not for one second... and just to be sure of this before i made this comment...I asked him.

 

What concerns me is this...you are trying to fall back in love with her...and it is my opinion...which means nothing....that if you dont love her ...you cannot make your self love her...any more than she can make herself love you.

 

I will even go further to say...most waywards still beleive they love their betrayed spouses...I know some dont...but many many do....and will even declare their love for their betrayed even though their actions say otherwise.

Notice in so many of these threads where the wayward declares love...they get shot down by others....no you dont...if you did you would never have cheated.

 

I dont want to debate this...I am just making an observation.

 

If a wayward thinks they still love their betrayed and the betrayed still certainly loves their wayward....and reconciliation is still difficult at best....

 

How much more difficult is it then...it the betrayed is no longer in love? and why would the betrayed even try to reconcile if he no longer loves his wayward wife?

 

Do you see where i am coming from? The odds are so not in your favor even in the best of circumstances of reconciliation....but if you have fallen out of love with her....the odds are even greater against success.

 

You can date...you can woo each other...you can bend over backwards and jump over walls and slay dragons. But if you do not love this woman....even after what she has done....i am really worried about the outcome...and how much damage this will do to your family.

 

I can tell you that she will allow you to lavish gifts and time and attention on her all you want to. But what happens...when life goes back to everyday normalcy? What happens when you decide it just isn't enough? What happens when you look at her and you just feel nothing anymore?

[andrewmcneil84]

Based upon your description it sounds as though she is in contact with someone that she is interested in. Which would explain the extra affection she is shelling out, it could either be guilt related or attributed to her overly giddy mood as of late.

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Remember to pay attention to actions and not words. She is showing you exactly what you need to see. I know sometimes we want someone to be direct and tell us "Yes you are right, I have been unfaithful". You don't need to waste your time waiting for her to vocalize it, she has given you her answer.

The next step is up to you. Couples counseling or possibly separation. Can you ever trust her again after this?

 

Please answer mine if you can

[zombiehead]

I don't know how she could be in contact with anyone at the moment. I have her phone under the microscope and she knows that if she slips up it is over.

 

I'm trying to understand the thought process behind sexting and pleasuring yourself to sexual texting. One of the men would write her sexual novels, he would describe the two of them together on vacation and having sex in detail, she would read it while pleasuring herself.

 

What does that mean? She was bored? She was in love with him and wanted to have sex with him? It was fantasy? I just don't understand sexting and why people do it, and what it meant to my wife. She would sext back to these men with such enthusiasm, she was really good at it too. I never ever received a sext from her, I didn't know she thought about sex in such detail. I really don't know who she is.

[oldlion]

The last line in your last post was: "I really don't know who she is."

 

My question then is: Have you really tried to find out who she is?

 

You know she has fantasies. You know she likes to have sex with her fantasies.

 

You know she really appears to love you. Have you ever tried out your and her fantasies together?

 

I have been married a long time. When it came to sex, my wife and I have talked about and tried about everything a husband and wife can do. The things we liked we kept. The things we didn't like we didn't do anymore.

 

Many will say that marriage isn't all about the sex and I agree with that. But believe me when I say that sex is still a vital part of marriage. I don't know of anybody that got married to not have sex. I actually feel sorry for a husband and wife that can't tell each other what brings them pleasure during sex. Have you and your wife ever even talked about this?

 

You have a willing wife that somehow decided she needed to take her fantasies somewhere besides her husband. All you have to do is get those fantasies directed at you and you can't do that unless you and her talk about it.

 

I fully understand that in your eyes she did a terrible thing. But I can think of some things a whole lot worse. I believe in second chances when they are truly wanted and earned. I think you are on the right path courting her again. There was a time when love for her made your heart jump. Go back and find that time again. I did in my 16th year of marriage and so I know it works. We have now been married 51 years and still embarrass our grown children with our PDA. I do wish you well.

[Superchicken]

The last line in your last post was: "I really don't know who she is."

 

My question then is: Have you really tried to find out who she is?

 

You know she has fantasies. You know she likes to have sex with her fantasies.

 

You know she really appears to love you. Have you ever tried out your and her fantasies together?

 

I have been married a long time. When it came to sex, my wife and I have talked about and tried about everything a husband and wife can do. The things we liked we kept. The things we didn't like we didn't do anymore.

 

Many will say that marriage isn't all about the sex and I agree with that. But believe me when I say that sex is still a vital part of marriage. I don't know of anybody that got married to not have sex. I actually feel sorry for a husband and wife that can't tell each other what brings them pleasure during sex. Have you and your wife ever even talked about this?

 

You have a willing wife that somehow decided she needed to take her fantasies somewhere besides her husband. All you have to do is get those fantasies directed at you and you can't do that unless you and her talk about it.

 

I fully understand that in your eyes she did a terrible thing. But I can think of some things a whole lot worse. I believe in second chances when they are truly wanted and earned. I think you are on the right path courting her again. There was a time when love for her made your heart jump. Go back and find that time again. I did in my 16th year of marriage and so I know it works. We have now been married 51 years and still embarrass our grown children with our PDA. I do wish you well.

 

 

I agree totally.

I also made a similar suggestion at the start of his thread.

She obviously has a very heavy craving for this sort of thing. Which is fine, as long as it was directed at the spouse.

Its unfortunate that she believed that maybe he would see her as a weirdo or something.

Which she isn't, or anyone else in a similar position. We all have these fantasies.

But she made the worst mistake, and took it one step too far.

I also do the same things with my spouse, by allowing anything she wants within the confines of us two only.

 

 

Hopefully, a little thought is put to fulfilling some, if not all of BOTH your fantasies, or what ever you two like..

 

 

Its seems both are back in a right direction, and hope all get back to what's important in their lives.

 

 

Ted.

[understand50]

I don't know how she could be in contact with anyone at the moment. I have her phone under the microscope and she knows that if she slips up it is over.

 

I'm trying to understand the thought process behind sexting and pleasuring yourself to sexual texting. One of the men would write her sexual novels, he would describe the two of them together on vacation and having sex in detail, she would read it while pleasuring herself.

 

What does that mean? She was bored? She was in love with him and wanted to have sex with him? It was fantasy? I just don't understand sexting and why people do it, and what it meant to my wife. She would sext back to these men with such enthusiasm, she was really good at it too. I never ever received a sext from her, I didn't know she thought about sex in such detail. I really don't know who she is.

 

zombiehead,

 

First of all, as to trying reconciliation, keep to it. Folks on Loveshack tend not to respect a decision to reconcile, and of course divorce on always on the table, but keep to your decision and what you think is best for you.

 

As for the huge thing of WHY, you may never know, as she may not really know herself. I know for ourselves, wife and I, why is a moving target. I think I know the why of her ONS, I really do not know the why of her overspending to the point of bankruptcy. As a outsider, my GUESS, would be she got a thrill from it, much like some one who expose themselves. As time went by, she needed to up the ante so to speak to get the same or better. That is why the escalation. As for not doing the same with you, well you see her naked all the time, so what is the thrill in that? All of this could be done with her loving you, but the need for it became overwhelming for her. So my only advise is good IC so she and you can understand this.

 

Does she still make good wife material? Well she did not get physical, and it seemed she used these guys and then dumped them after a while. I think the odds is that she will not do this again, as one she see she could lose her family, and two she does love you. I think you can feel safe. Again my opinion. You know her best.

 

 

As for you loving her. That can come back with time and her actions. You understanding it, and her talking it out with you will help. Look, confession, I do not always have a great love for my wife. It comes and goes. I think this is true with everyone. When they do stuff like this, not a lot of love. Ask yourself, if she left tomorrow, how would you feel? Sad, relived, happy? The bonds are stronger then a day to day feeling. The smart man or woman, realizes this. Love ebbs and flows, but love deep down is there. Love in the eh idea of being married, and keeping your vows. This can get you over the day when you are just not feeling it, or when you are temped to go outside the marriage for other things. So you do not feel really loving right now, well so do many husbands and wife's, but they know that in the end the relationship is worth fighting for.

 

I wish you luck....

[Cephalopod]

I respect his decision to R.

 

However, any R with his broken WW needs to be couched with demands that she pass a polygraph to determine if she is being forthright and truthful about everything.

 

She needs to provide him with a long term plan of recovery and treatment, like any addict would be required to do. She needs to be providing him with weekly updates as to her progress in therapy. Every avenue should be exhausted in zeroing in on her issues and determining what is causing this acting out behavior of hers. If she is a sex addict, that needs to be assessed and the appropriate treatment applied. If she has personality disorder, then that would need to be verified and a therapeutic action plan mapped out for her to follow.

 

He cannot waiver on any of this, or soon she will be back to her old ways. And that begs the question as to whether or not he wants to be her parole officer for the rest of their marriage. That would get tiring and dehumanizing after a while. Is that the kind of future he wants?

[Mrs. John Adams]

All of those things are required by you to reconcile... but obviously not by him.

 

Ultimately it is his choice... and if she has satisfied him with her behavior...if he is healing... if they are happy.. then nothing else really needs to be said.

 

He knows what he wants and he is working toward that goal.

[Cephalopod]

All of those things are required by you to reconcile... but obviously not by him.

 

Ultimately it is his choice... and if she has satisfied him with her behavior...if he is healing... if they are happy.. then nothing else really needs to be said.

 

He knows what he wants and he is working toward that goal.

 

True. Just suggestions if I were in his shoes. Otherwise, to me it would be rug-sweeping.

[Mrs. John Adams]

True. Just suggestions if I were in his shoes. Otherwise, to me it would be rug-sweeping.

 

Most would agree with you

 

But it is his call

 

You know.. many recommended that John divorce me...because he was still questioning my remorse

 

They were wrong...

 

Sometimes and I am also guilty... we project our own standards onto others and we grow frustrated when we think they are not listening.

 

But sometimes we are the ones not listening.

 

He loves her.... he wants her...he wants his family

 

So if he is guessing right.. they live happily ever after and we all hope he is right.... and if he is wrong.. he will be back. I hope he locks his thread and disappears and we never hear from him again because that would mean he made the right choice.

 

It's all a crap shoot right?

[reboot]

It's all a crap shoot right?

 

Truest thing I've read here.

[merrmeade]

It's all a crap shoot right?

I think thAt is what we say until we understand who's doing what right (and wrong). If they'd BOTH work through some of the questions and puzzling (disturbing?) observations in counseling, I'd think it'd be less of a crap shoot.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Except it is his game and he gets to call it

 

Believe me I have said my piece on this thread...

 

He goes in eyes wide open