nude pics red flag??

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'd like to see him reconcile. I hate to see marriages going kablooey. But there are some fundamental differences between you and his WW. You were young, seduced (and, in my opinion, taken advantage of) by a player, and had a brief EA culminating in a one-afternoon stand. If I recall, you were immediately disgusted by what you had done and you told John without delay.

 

What I see with OP's wife is a deep pathology that goes beyond a passing infatuation with one affair partner. This woman was essentially acting like an Amsterdam prostitute, sitting in a window flaunting her wares for passersby. Except her window was the internet. She went looking for these men and would have kept going had she not been caught.

 

OP knows he's got to swallow a 10 foot-long party sh*t-sub in order to get past what she has done, and I say he is a far, far better man than I am for being willing to show her this amount of grace.

 

I hope they do make it, but it doesn't hurt for us to remind him of what he's up against, and, with, that I will clam up now.

 

I think there is more to the story...I think there are some major issues that need to be addressed...and if not addressed...could rear their ugly heads back up in the future. But I also think he knows this.

 

I am worried...i truly am. But he has convinced me...that he knows what he wants and he is going to go for it.

 

I am not asking you to stop trying to tell ...dont misunderstand me...I just think he has his mind made up and is no longer listening to anyone...myself included.

[drifter777]

I don't know how she could be in contact with anyone at the moment. I have her phone under the microscope and she knows that if she slips up it is over.

 

No - she doesn't know it is over. It is simply a threat that she knows, deep down, is all bluster. If you were going to divorce her over sexting & secret videos and all that you would already have done it. She firmly has the upper hand and is trying to modify her behavior because its embarrassing if it becomes common knowledge and she want's to keep you chilled out. She knows exactly what she's doing...

[usa1ah]

Hey ZH, I know you did this already but you might want to do it again.

 

Run your wife's face thru a photo recognition app. See if any of the jilted OM have put her photos out there. With just the face you shouldn't get the random hits as you did the first time.

[zombiehead]

I did it through google and no results. Is there another app?

[Friskyone4u]

No - she doesn't know it is over. It is simply a threat that she knows, deep down, is all bluster. If you were going to divorce her over sexting & secret videos and all that you would already have done it. She firmly has the upper hand and is trying to modify her behavior because its embarrassing if it becomes common knowledge and she want's to keep you chilled out. She knows exactly what she's doing...

 

 

Her phone being under the microscope means nothing. Your wife is an addict. That does not mean you cannot reconcile. It means for well into the foreseeable future if you are not wondering if she is at it again than you are one naive fellow.

 

What you have caught her doing goes way beyond "normal" in any sense of the word. A heroin addict in jail is "clean". Right now your wife is in CYA mode, and probably may be wanting to stop. The big question, that no one here has the answer to, even though a lot of experts here think they do.

 

Zombie, you've made your choice. I just hope you do not think because you are monitoring her like you are right now that you are in the clear. That will get tiresome and grate your soul long term having to do that.

 

If you really means if you catch her she is done, you would just relax and six months from now have her take a polygraph test, and you will have your answer in less than an hour with a few simple questions.

[reboot]

Ever heard of a burner phone?

[Superchicken]

Hey Zombie, listen, you've done more than enough to rebuild, and maintain your relationship.

Of course you will still continue rebuilding, and so will your wife.

Will she do this sort of thing again ?, who knows.

 

 

Don't get overworked thinking about it, as it will put you in a defensive, and investigative mode for the rest of your life.

If she starts this crap again, she will get caught, again. Its as simple as that.

Red flags will reappear, and old shifty actions will replay over again.

Then, you can worry, and do your digging.

 

 

Till then, enjoy your "Phoenix" moment, and live again.

 

 

As long as you two are helping each other reach those "High" notes in bed, or where ever you please to do it, then, I don't see her need to seek it somewhere else.

You need to understand her kinks, and her yours, and enjoy them together.

But, its not all sex either. She needs mental stimulus as well.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[harrybrown]

you may want to help yourself.

 

You do not want to have this pain again.

 

You can't control her.

 

What I am trying to do is just let them go.

 

Drive her over to one of the men. She can be their problem.

 

I thought this pain was bad. But when you see this done to your own little boy, now a man by his now ex-wife.

 

that is why I helped him file for D. I filled out the forms for his D.

 

 

and went with him to the courthouse. He is much bigger than me. Played high school football on the line.

 

If all these cheaters could see and fill the pain on their children, maybe that would make them think.

[zombiehead]

I know what a "burner phone" is and I highly doubt she has a 2nd phone hidden. Our banking is joint, I do all the finances there has been no cash withdraws or purchases that are unaccounted for. She doesn't work, she has no income she doesn't have a separate account.

 

We had a talk last night. She came out of the bathroom in her sexy lingerie and it was nice seeing her in that, she is sexy and has a nice body, then I see her phone in her hand and it killed it. She got in bed and touched my arm and I was unresponsive. She asked me if I was ok and I told her that seeing her in lingerie while carrying a phone in her hand triggered me. I told her I'm having a hard time getting over what she has done. I explained that men have a really tough time getting over being betrayed by their wives, it is harder for men, my pride, ego, and masculinity took a direct hit. I went on to say that I don't share and I don't want to be with a woman that would sext and send nude pics to other men behind my back, and that she did it for a long time and with great enthusiasm. Also I told her it seems like her betrayal hasn't caused her any mental anguish, she seems happy posting selfies on facebook and chatting up with "friends", while I'm dying on the inside trying to find a way to be happy again, to get over the betrayal, to love her again, to regain my pride as a man, to let go of the anger. We also discussed how I believe she has had no consequences for her actions, and I have through the pain of the betrayal which has consumed me daily. Also I asked her how can she say she loves me when she went and did this, and how can she say she respects me when the betrayal was totally disrespectful to me and our marriage.

 

She said that what she did was also disrespecting herself too, and that she has had consequences. Those being her parents know and our kids know what she has done, and that she is mad at herself for hurting me and lost my trust and is afraid that she lost my love as well. Like before addiction was her main reason for the why, she was addicted to it, she went over that again, that it wasn't that she was trying to hurt me or disrespect our marriage it was an addiction, like a heroin addict. She wanted the attention it made her feel good. She said that she is disgusted with what she has done, wishes she could go back and change, and has no desire to ever do it again.

 

I feel somewhat better after that talk last night. The twins were asleep and our talk was in our bed so I'm sure they didn't hear anything. Also it was a very calm talk, no raised voices, very calm and matter of fact.

 

Tonight we are going to relive our first date, this is not so much for her, it is mainly for me. I desperately want to love her again and I hope doing this will help me move further down the path of forgiveness, I want our family to stay together, I don't want to fail and have our kids grow up in a broken home "nuclear family". I want to be with her when they graduate hs and college, I don't want to do that with another woman, I want to be with my wife, their mother, our family.

 

The twins are out of school for the summer so I told my wife that I want her to stay home with them, there is no need financially for you start working full time, we will keep the status quo for now. The twins have a busy schedule, soccer camp, golf lessons, golf camp, and we are going camping again in 5 weeks at RMNP in Colorado.

 

I really believe we are turning a corner, I have no fear that she is going to start this again in the immediate future. She had her 5th IC session yesterday and I think it is helping her. What I'm having a hard time getting over is the betrayal, the hurt, that she is capable of this sort of behavior and it was pretty off the rails for my taste, I mean it was pretty hardcore the things she said she wanted to do with these men, that is what has me so confused "zombiehead". When I talk to her about those things she says that she doesn't want to do those things, she was just playing a role, telling them what they wanted to hear. I have a real hard time believing that because I'm a simple type of guy, I say what I mean and mean what I say. I'm very direct, and if I say I mean it.

 

Things ended well after our talk, we feel asleep holding each other, sex with her is still a trigger. I'm trying to get myself mentally ready for sex tonight, after putt putt and sonic we are going to an 80's music dance club. I have uber rides ready so we are both going to have several drinks and maybe some shots then go home and get our freak on.

Edited June 2, 2017 by zombiehead

[HereNorThere]

You know, this is all great Zombie, really, it is. At the very least, you are letting her know just how serious of a situation she's in. She really needs that dose of reality.

 

Still, the part that bothers me in all your posts is that, despite knowing just how triggering all her iPhoning and Facebooking is to you, she either A) doesn't care B) can't help herself.

 

I'll give her credit for owning up to what she's done. I just think that at the end of the day, if she really was putting you first, she'd take a hammer to that phone. Her facebook would have deactivated a long time ago, etc. That's the part I truly can't wrap my head around. There's just something about her actions that make feel like she thinks you're overreacting or something. I guess she wasn't the one humiliated so I can't really expect her to see it from your point of view. I guess. Oddly enough, I think she would totally lose her sh*t if she caught you with other girls. Such a weird paradox but cheaters usually don't tolerate cheating. Funny, the abusers don't like taking abuse. Talk about irony.

 

And yeah, I mean, she meant the things she said. Sure, she was playing a role, but aren't we all? She chose the role, she chose the words, she acted on the words by sending the pictures and videos. That's just something you have to get over. You will never, ever get an answer that makes you feel better about it. Oh, and it's also disingenuous to compare sexting or to a heroin addiction, but if she's never been addicted to opiates, I'll give her a free pass on that. Just trust me, not even in the same category. Good for a metaphor but that's about it. Which is probably a good thing because I don't really know a lot of recovered heroin addicts.

 

I guess things could be worse. That's a horrible standard to live by, but that's part of life. You gotta work with what ya got. And RMNP? Holla at your boy if you're in Denver. I stay down in the 16th mall/ballpark neighborhood!

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am wondering why you don't get her a very simple phone... turn off the internet and texting capabilities ... a phone just for emergency calling.

 

My dad carries a phone like that. All he can do on it is call.

 

It would give you peace of mind and also help her to understand how serious this is.

[Doorstopper]

Also I told her it seems like her betrayal hasn't caused her any mental anguish, she seems happy posting selfies on facebook and chatting up with "friends", while I'm dying on the inside trying to find a way to be happy again, to get over the betrayal, to love her again, to regain my pride as a man, to let go of the anger. We also discussed how I believe she has had no consequences for her actions, and I have through the pain of the betrayal which has consumed me daily.

 

I can relate to how you feel but I also want to add something that you haven't experienced.

 

I stopped posting of my story within a couple of weeks after D-Day in late 2015. Affair-wise nothing has changed or happened since, but in my case my wife's EA was a sign of some significant untreated depression. Unable to cope with what she had done, my wife ended up hospitalized once and still finds it difficult to even take care of herself, let alone work on our marriage. There have been "baby-steps" in the right direction and we continue to make progress, but her depression holds us back.

 

Be happy that your wife can still put a smile on and do things to try to make you happy, even if she is leading a life that, to you, may seem relatively unchanged. Trust me when I say, you would not be happier if she was moping around, miserable over what she had done, while being unable to show much remorse.

Edited June 2, 2017 by Doorstopper

[BaileyB]

To my knowledge, this is the first time that you both have had a calm discussion about the situation. You were able to tell her exactly how you feel and she accepted some responsibility for her actions. I hope, this is a good sign.

 

I wish you well tonight.

[HereNorThere]

Trust me when I say, you would not be happier if she was moping around, miserable, over what she had done, while being unable to show much remorse.

 

I dunno, man. At the very least, it would show some sort of empathy and compassion. The fact that she did something this heinous and can so easily write it off is scary at the very least. A normal person wouldn't be able to see their spouse in so much pain and not feel that pain themselves. It's a huge red flag and Zombiehead knows it. It's keep him from moving forward and she doesn't really seem to understand that.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I dunno, man. At the very least, it would show some sort of empathy and compassion. The fact that she did something this heinous and can so easily write it off is scary at the very least. A normal person wouldn't be able to see their spouse in so much pain and not feel that pain themselves. It's a huge red flag and Zombiehead knows it. It's keep him from moving forward and she doesn't really seem to understand that.

 

At the very least she would not take the phone in the bathroom. Yes I could see how being in the bathroom behind closed doors wearing lingerie could cause a major trigger.

 

I would have yanked the phone out if her hand and smashed it... innocent or not. Common sense says ... this might look bad

[zombiehead]

The bathroom doors were open, we have french doors on the master bathroom and she went in there with her phone and put it down on the vanity. She changed for bed, washed her face brushed her teeth then picked up her phone on the way out. She walked around the bed looking sexy then I saw the phone in her hand and it triggered me.

 

Anyway I want her to have her smartphone she needs it when she is out with the twins.

 

She is excited about tonight, she texted me asking if we are going to make it through a whole around of putt putt because on our date we were making out at every hole which was causing a backup on the course so we stopped 1/2 way through.

[here222]

ZH

Happy for the update, seems like things are getting better. I think you will have the things that she has done bother you for a long time, just try to let a little of it go when you can.

I don't know where you are located but you said you liked 80s music you might check out that Bob Seger is going to tour late summer and fall and he might be close enough for you both to go see. If any performer can help with there music he is for sure the one.

Good Luck. Take care of your twins, your wife, and most of all yourself.

I thing you are doing very good for all you have went through.

[HereNorThere]

You are a better, more forgiving guy than I am, Zombiehead. I do truly hope that she stops taking you for granted. You're a class act, brother. If she doesn't end up treating you right, I know one that will.

[Friskyone4u]

The bathroom doors were open, we have french doors on the master bathroom and she went in there with her phone and put it down on the vanity. She changed for bed, washed her face brushed her teeth then picked up her phone on the way out. She walked around the bed looking sexy then I saw the phone in her hand and it triggered me.

 

Anyway I want her to have her smartphone she needs it when she is out with the twins.

 

She is excited about tonight, she texted me asking if we are going to make it through a whole around of putt putt because on our date we were making out at every hole which was causing a backup on the course so we stopped 1/2 way through.

 

She should not be carrying that phone around anywhere. Why does the smartphone go into the bathroom where she will be naked or in sexy lingerie. How about leaving it in the charger. There has to be something to help you avoid these triggers that are totally understandable.

And you should not be having to tell her that if she has any common sense.

[mercy]

 

Anyway I want her to have her smartphone she needs it when she is out with the twins.

 

 

Totally understand.

 

But does she really need it beside her to brush her teeth? Maybe compromise and put the phone away when you're home. I mean, you're home, so, family time, right?

 

I'm trying to imagine my h carrying his phone from room to room. Odd behavior or is it just me?

 

Without having to go back and read 800 posts, question - how do your 7 yr. old kids know what their mother did?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Also I told her it seems like her betrayal hasn't caused her any mental anguish, she seems happy posting selfies on facebook and chatting up with "friends"

 

She said that what she did was also disrespecting herself too, and that she has had consequences..... before addiction was her main reason for the why, she was addicted to it, she went over that again, that it wasn't that she was trying to hurt me or disrespect our marriage it was an addiction, like a heroin addict. She wanted the attention it made her feel good.

Two things. First, many WS are ready and far more capable of "forget and move on". It is easier for WS because they had all of the control; they made all of the decision; they know all of the details; they know all of the "why's". It also alleviates whatever guilt they may have.

 

Second, if it were me (and it was me at one time) the "it was an addiction" response is not nearly enough. Why was it an addiction? As a BS deciding between D or R, I require further self-analysis than the shallow "addiction" excuse. In this category, it appears that she has not done a lot of work or self-discovery.

 

I really believe we are turning a corner

That's good news. Keep in mind that there is more than one corner to turn. There are dozens of corners to be turned during this process. Once you feel like you've reached the summit, there's another summit to be conquered. Over and over again. (This is one reason why the second year in R is the hardest)

 

sex with her is still a trigger.

For us BHs, this doesn't go away anytime soon. If your love language is physical touch, then this trigger will be bigger and harder to diminish over time.

[zombiehead]

The twins overheard several arguments after dday. After they went to bed my wife and I had several verbal fights. That hasnt happened in awhile and it will not happen again.

 

We had a good time last night and today we took the twins to see the new captain underpants movie.

 

I'm still have trouble moving forward, forgiving infidelity is very difficult. The anger comes and goes throughout the day. This morning I was feeling great feeling happy feeling blessed to have a family. I hopped in the car to run and grab some eggs for breakfast at the grocery store, I turn on the radio and "Feels like the First Time" is playing and for some reason boom that triggered me and I feel the sick feeling in my gut the anger and disgust pop up. So I turned off the radio and try to get back to my happy place. I really love that song and I hope one day I can get back to rocking it at a high volume without it triggering me.

[S2B]

When your wife does this - why aren't you asking her why she's keeping her phone at her side?

 

Why would she be doing this when she knows it upsets you?

 

Are you two explaining to each other how you feel?

[HereNorThere]

You should really talk to your therapist and or doctor about the panic attacks, man. It sounds like the alarm is still going off even though the fire is out. Sometimes you need a little help getting back to baseline whether it's through talk therapy, medications or both.

 

I encourage you to google around and read about different cognitive behavioral treatments for panic attacks and anxiety. The more you know about it, the faster you can start to conquer this. Read up on the flight or fight response, your amygdala, GABA, etc. It's an interesting, primitive part of your biology.

 

Here's the thing I figured out that helped me the most. For the longest time, I fought the anxiety and got nowhere. I tried to suppress that stomach sinking feeling but it wasn't possible. Instead, I learned to stop feeding it thoughts. My hours long anxiety turned into a few minutes after that. I felt the feeling, but I wouldn't feed it words. Eventually my body just got tired of feeling anxious. I guess it realized there was no one left to argue with up there and gave up. But it took a lot of work to get to that point.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Zh..

You do know that she has no clue that she has really done anything wrong ... right?

 

Tell me ... how has she shown one bit of remorse ?

 

She has her phone.. she gets to go drinking with friends... she still has her Facebook... she got a new bike... her husband is kissing her ass...now you tell me...why should she feel sorry for anything she has done?

 

You suffer while her life goes on as usual....the only difference...She is not masterbating to an audience behind your back.

 

If you do not hold her accountable she certainly will not.. if you require no changes.. neither will she...

 

I swear to god you amaze me

 

Take that phone away from her and tell her you are going to kick her ass out

 

Do you understand how she should be groveling on the floor begging your forgiveness ? And instead you are the one begging.

 

Look... I am the wayward... and I would kick her to the curb.

 

She is living in a fantasy world and quite frankly you are the one encouraging her to do so.

 

I promise you ... when you stop bringing this up.., she will go right back to playing with herself for other guys to watch.

 

She has to accept responsibility for her actions and she won't as long as you don't require her to