QuietDan Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 I have all the affair evidence stored on a thumb drive. I havent yet closed the email accounts used but I did close the messaging apps she used. The pictures that triggered me were of us together out on a date night without our kids. When I saw those pictures of us together having a good time watching a band at a music festival I think yeah earlier that day she was messaging those men she also.sent them the pic of us together with me cropped out. So everything we did together all the memories all the pics of us as a family are tainted now, they trigger the sting. Should a wipe clean all pictures of us from that time period? Act like that time period never happened? Maybe set those pictures aside. Wait a few years before deleting the personal pictures of you two. In a few years, if things continue to improve between you to, there may be a few you might want.
Doorstopper Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 I have all the affair evidence stored on a thumb drive. I havent yet closed the email accounts used but I did close the messaging apps she used. The pictures that triggered me were of us together out on a date night without our kids. When I saw those pictures of us together having a good time watching a band at a music festival I think yeah earlier that day she was messaging those men she also.sent them the pic of us together with me cropped out. So everything we did together all the memories all the pics of us as a family are tainted now, they trigger the sting. Should a wipe clean all pictures of us from that time period? Act like that time period never happened? I wouldn't delete the Family pictures but I know exactly how you feel. My wife started sending nudes (though in my case, 1 guy and maybe 10-20 nudes total) while we were in Vegas 2 years ago. Looking at some of those vacation photos used to trigger me. The good news is that those feeling fade after time. I'm at about 20 months post D-Day and don't get triggered by that stuff anymore, though I may still think about it.
HereNorThere Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 Don't delete the evidence. Encrypt it and save it in multiple places. You will need it when comes time for the divorce. Even in a no fault state, she is more likely to accept a fair deal if she knows you can prove her adultery. If you want to keep yourself from looking at it, make a trusted female family member set the encryption key and save it. That way you still have control over the files, but you can look at them and get triggered. 1
Zona Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 Don't delete the evidence. She is more likely to accept a fair deal if she knows you can prove her adultery. Could also be useful when battling for custody of the children, if it comes to that. 1
merrmeade Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 Videos are great for women who have a touch of exhibitionism in them - which includes a LOT of women. Very few want to post them or show them to others, but making them and seeing them in private is a big turn on for some people. Then you delete them. That's what I'm suggesting - just good clean fun that only the two of you share. I really don't appreciate this depiction of the majority of my sex as if it's got some kind of authoritative basis other than personal observation. And I don't think it could be helpful to zh unless it's true
RecentChange Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 I really don't appreciate this depiction of the majority of my sex as if it's got some kind of authoritative basis other than personal observation. And I don't think it could be helpful to zh unless it's true He didn't say a majority. He said a lot.... Count me in. I wouldn't want them posted anywhere, but I love it when my husband grabs my phone and snaps some photos for me to discover later. I like editing and making some of them "artsy" and will often send them back to him when we exchange naughty texts. 1
merrmeade Posted June 22, 2017 Posted June 22, 2017 Let's make that personal bias rather than observation.
sandylee1 Posted June 23, 2017 Posted June 23, 2017 I think I recall watching TV once during sex and my husband called me on it straight away. .."what! you're watching the TV....shocking behaviour " We laughed. ..I told him it (what was on TV) was interesting.He said he wasn't impressed, but wasn't angry about it. He's quite easy going. ..so I know he only mentions stuff when it bothers him. I've never done it again like that. Occasionally we both get distracted by the TV, but I understand after your wife's online life, it's much more of an issue.
Author zombiehead Posted June 26, 2017 Author Posted June 26, 2017 Found an old flickr account she used for only one month March 2016, no nudes just sexy pics and pics of our children on a spring break camping trip. She would send her online affair partners the link. Really pisses me off that she sent pictures of the twins, of course no pictures of me, her husband, the father of the children, the provider of the family. I'm pissed again. i guess this is the roller coaster ride that I didn't sign up for.
RecentChange Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Ugh, pics of the kids?!?!! I am sorry ZH, that's horrendous. 1
road Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Just because their photos were there does not mean she sent the kid's photos. I do not know how that app works. 1
RecentChange Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 True.... Do you have evidence she was sharing the whole file ZH? it's very easy to share single photos, and if you open them in a new browser window before sharing the can't even be linked to the original folder. I doubt most of these men would want to see pictures of children...... Kinda kills the fantasy aspect
Author zombiehead Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 I asked her about the flickr account. She started with KIK then Skype then she opened a Flickr in her fake name she used for the all her messaging apps. She said she would email the men a link so they can view the photos. She added photos for one month, March 2016, sexy photo of her in her "wonder woman" underwear she bought at target, then photos of her looking and posing sexy and then photos from our camping trip on spring break in 2016. Photos of the twins kayaking and fishing. Then towards the end of March 2016 she opened a secret Instagram account in her fake name and that is where she posted daily pics for her online lovers until I caught her. She said with the Flickr she would email them a link, the photos add 4 views and I couldn't see who viewed them also on the Flickr I found she had no followers. Anyway that really pisses me off that she allowed this men to see pics of our children.
Author zombiehead Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 I believe I mentioned before the article that said sexting behind your spouses back with other people is a good way to spice up the marriage. Not sexting with your spouse is a good way to spice up the marriage, but sexting with other people not your spouse is a good way to spice things up. What a crock of crapola, that is a good way to destroy your marriage. I don't know why the article sticks in my mind. I guess I hope that I would feel that way so I can get over the betrayal, the shot to my manhood that my wife was sexual with men behind my back. It makes me wonder if I'm overreacting, if I'm just not hip, that I'm a prude and need to get with the modern times that it is perfectly normal for married couples or couples in a committed relationship to sext with strangers online. Anyway it is still a daily struggle to fight the resentment, to fight the anger, to fight the obsession, to fight the mind movies. I wonder how many times she had skype sex, and phone sex. Really who in the heck does that? Who are these men? If I was single there is no way I would have phone sex or skype sex, I guess I'm just a prude. I had no idea my wife was capable of this, no idea, none, zero, she never asked to do this, sure I would have done it if she asked, but seriously I had no idea she would have phone and skype sex with strange men online. She talked really frequently with 4 men, daily, that is all she did all day when I was at work and the kids were at school. She would write long messages to this men and then skype sex and phone sex with them. When we went on trips she would still find time to message with them, she would ride in the back of the van with the kids watching movies typing on her phone with these men. Sending them pics of what we did, it was like these men were on vacation with us riding in the back of the van. I can't sleep tonight, I had a big spill on my mountain bike and bruised my side/back pretty bad. It hurts when I lay down too long, I should probably go to the doctor and have them take a look, maybe I broke some ribs. It has been 5 days since I had the wreck and I'm still in pain. Up walking around, sitting, lifting weights and riding my bike or jogging it doesn't bother me, but when I sneeze or cough or lay down it hurts, especially right when I get up, but once I walk around and start moving the pain fades until I feel normal unless I sneeze or cough and then it is instant pain. Some of y'all have mentioned that I should try sexting with her, or taking pics and sending them to each other so she can satisfy her fetish to reduce her temptation to stray again. If I did that it would be a trigger, it would be reliving the betrayal, I would think of the other men. It would not be special, she has ruined that for us. There is no way I could do that right now, maybe in the future, but right now it would not work for me. I will try things that I read in her sexting that she wanted to do, like role playing, she told a guy that she wanted to do the boss/secretary or teacher/student bit, I'll try that even though I think it is ridiculous, but whatever, if it makes her happy I'll try it. Taken pics, sexting, phone sex, skype sex, that is out of question right now and probably forever. What is wrong with having some wine, lite some candles, and have good old fashioned oral sex and intercourse, throw in some toys, she has her multiple orgasms, I finish at the end and everyone is happy, right? I would like to come home at lunch and have a nooner when the twins are back in school, or she can come to my work and we can have sex in the car or something, maybe get a hotel room near my office and we can meet there at lunch and do the boss/secretary or professor/student bit. 1
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 It's been 5 five months or so since you started this thread. Please put a time limit on this. Do you want to forgive her and move past this? She needs to fix herself and the two of you need to go to counseling otherwise you're wasting your time and energy just waiting for the big D to happen in future. Can you picture yourself in the same place where you are now by the fall or Christmas? 1
Zona Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Anyway that really pisses me off that she allowed this men to see pics of our children. These are new revelations about her previous actions, not about new post DDay actions, and she was honest about it. It's not like you set boundaries and she ignored them. You seem pretty vigilant, so if she did anything new you would certainly catch her. But still, this is absolutely bizarre behavior for any mother. Have you been able to get any appts with addiction counselors set up? She's obviously got issues that need to be dealt with. 1
drifter777 Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Don't even think about putting a time limit on processing all of this. It takes as long as it takes & no two situations are the same. 3
road Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 It's been 5 five months or so since you started this thread. Please put a time limit on this. Do you want to forgive her and move past this? She needs to fix herself and the two of you need to go to counseling otherwise you're wasting your time and energy just waiting for the big D to happen in future. Can you picture yourself in the same place where you are now by the fall or Christmas? Five months? Recovery is two to five year process. 2
Author zombiehead Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 I decided to take the day off, I have my IC today and I'm going to see the doctor about the soreness I'm still experiencing from the bike wreck I had last week. Apparently betrayed men are frowned upon, nearly all the articles I find online that discuss men dealing with being betrayed by their wife there is blame shifting. The articles say it is a wake up call for the husband to get his act together and start being a better husband, it is his shortcomings that drove his wife to stray. I swear if I read another article like that I will want to smash my computer and everything else I can find. I guess that is society for ya, blame the male, it is his fault his wife cheated, he wasn't giving her enough attention blah blah blah. I swear nearly all of the crap you find online regarding men dealing with cheating wives it talks about the "wake up call", that the husband needs to be better in the marriage. Totally disgusting. Sure in some situations that could be somewhat justified, but not in my case. I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. 1
BluesPower Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I decided to take the day off, I have my IC today and I'm going to see the doctor about the soreness I'm still experiencing from the bike wreck I had last week. Apparently betrayed men are frowned upon, nearly all the articles I find online that discuss men dealing with being betrayed by their wife there is blame shifting. The articles say it is a wake up call for the husband to get his act together and start being a better husband, it is his shortcomings that drove his wife to stray. I swear if I read another article like that I will want to smash my computer and everything else I can find. I guess that is society for ya, blame the male, it is his fault his wife cheated, he wasn't giving her enough attention blah blah blah. I swear nearly all of the crap you find online regarding men dealing with cheating wives it talks about the "wake up call", that the husband needs to be better in the marriage. Totally disgusting. Sure in some situations that could be somewhat justified, but not in my case. I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. Those articles are written by morons... That is the same philosophy that a huge majority of MC's have, I think because some other moron taught that in some school. Even one of the James Dobson books had that flavor, I read the first pages and then burnt it outside is the trash barrel. That entire line of thought is some type of moronic pop culture feminist nonsense that keeps getting out is the public forums. When an article or counselor has that point of view, Just move on and shake your head... 2
Zona Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I believe I mentioned before the article that said sexting behind your spouses back with other people is a good way to spice up the marriage. Not sexting with your spouse is a good way to spice up the marriage, but sexting with other people not your spouse is a good way to spice things up. What a crock of crapola, that is a good way to destroy your marriage. I don't know why the article sticks in my mind. I guess I hope that I would feel that way so I can get over the betrayal, the shot to my manhood that my wife was sexual with men behind my back. It makes me wonder if I'm overreacting, if I'm just not hip, that I'm a prude and need to get with the modern times that it is perfectly normal for married couples or couples in a committed relationship to sext with strangers online. Don't blame yourself. Betrayal is betrayal, and it's never good for the marriage. I think most of these MC's are served up a huge rot gut serving of man hate every day they are getting trained. I have also read stories from so-called experts claiming infidelity can be good for the marriage. This is garbage. Every field has their quacks. You've been a model husband IMO. You are trying to do the right thing for yourself, your kids, and even your WW. You have faced the ugly truth without any denial, and you're trying to work through it constructively. Give yourself a break. Seriously!
Birdies Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Those articles are written by morons... That is the same philosophy that a huge majority of MC's have, I think because some other moron taught that in some school. Even one of the James Dobson books had that flavor, I read the first pages and then burnt it outside is the trash barrel. That entire line of thought is some type of moronic pop culture feminist nonsense that keeps getting out is the public forums. When an article or counselor has that point of view, Just move on and shake your head... Blues, please do not confuse feminism (the very valid belief that men and women deserve equal rights in society) with the notion that somehow a spouse is to blame for their wife cheating on them. ZH, many wayward wives do feel completely neglected by their husbands and use that as an excuse to cheat. It is not a justification it in anyway, but that's how they are able to justify the unjustifiable in their own minds. I was one :/ In your case, it sounds like you were a very devoted and present husband and father and that your sex life was very full. Your wife sounds like she basically developed a sex addiction. That has NOTHING to do with you. I agree with blues that those articles are not relevant to you in anyway. If you come across something like that, just toss it out with yesterday's trash. I forget, is your wife in individual counseling? Unless she really digs deep to try to figure out the root cause of this addiction, You two will have a hard time healing from this and she will be bound to repeat herself. Don't let her squirm out of counseling. 1
Overtaxed Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Those articles are written by morons... That is the same philosophy that a huge majority of MC's have, I think because some other moron taught that in some school. Even one of the James Dobson books had that flavor, I read the first pages and then burnt it outside is the trash barrel. That entire line of thought is some type of moronic pop culture feminist nonsense that keeps getting out is the public forums. When an article or counselor has that point of view, Just move on and shake your head... Yup, I found dozens, maybe hundreds of articles like this while desperately searching for answers after d-day. Thankfully, I eventually landed here, and a number of posters started off with "It's NOT your fault". Which was counter to what just about every other resource out there said. Summing up, man cheats, his fault; woman cheats, his fault. It's pervasive, and, most of the articles start with basically "You pushed her to it, figure out what's wrong with you and the cheating will stop". Talk about soul crushing. I have issues, of course, and I'm working on trying to fix them in myself and my M. But the A was NOT my fault. And that's a powerful statement in and of itself.
Author zombiehead Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 Yes my wife is in IC, however I went to 2 sessions and was not impressed with the therapist. My wife likes her therapist and she said it is helping her. I had a good session again with my new male therapist and now I'm waiting to have xrays on my side and back. I called the sex addiction therapist about doing the sessions by video conferencing. They are going to get back with me on that because they have never done that before also they were surpirised that the person needing the sex addiction treatment was my wife not me, they acutally said it was surprising because they cant recall the last female they have treated. I guess men are the most sexually screwed up between the genders. 4
drifter777 Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Apparently betrayed men are frowned upon, nearly all the articles I find online that discuss men dealing with being betrayed by their wife there is blame shifting. The articles say it is a wake up call for the husband to get his act together and start being a better husband, it is his shortcomings that drove his wife to stray. I swear if I read another article like that I will want to smash my computer and everything else I can find. You need to use some different keywords when you Google this stuff. Try something like "devastated by cheating wife" and look at those results. In all of the books and articles I've read when this "wake up call" crap is mentioned it usually is applied to the marriage as a whole and does not single out a BW or BH.
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