Zona Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 They are going to get back with me on that because they have never done that before also they were surpirised that the person needing the sex addiction treatment was my wife not me, they acutally said it was surprising because they cant recall the last female they have treated. I guess men are the most sexually screwed up between the genders. Yeah, high sex drive women are definitely less common. My wife has always wanted sex every day. Most men would think this is ideal, but geez it wears you out after a while, especially as you get into your 40's. Do you think you wife is a sex addict or an attention addict or both? If I put on my amateur shrink hat, I don't see how she fits exactly into either the narcissist mold, nor the borderline personality mold. Perhaps some childhood trauma she has never spoken about? Hopefully a good counselor can flush that out. Was she a good student? Would you say she is bright? Does she have close relatives with psychological issues? Sorry to pry, but these are all questions I would be pondering in your case if I were you.
Author zombiehead Posted June 30, 2017 Author Posted June 30, 2017 It takes me a bit to process things and what I'm about to ask you guys just hit me today. Disregard the sexting nude pics.and phone sex and only focus on the live webcam skype sex. I consider that pretty much equal to physical sex. Say my wife did that with 10 differnt guys 5 times that would mean she slept around on me 50 times and in our own home in our bed. Would you guys agree? 3
BluesPower Posted June 30, 2017 Posted June 30, 2017 There is an analogy there... But not that one. It is so hard to make a quantitative equivalence to the sexting. The Skype sex might get there, but it is defiantly different than sleeping with 50 guys. Don't get me wrong, it is bad, but it is just not the same as physical sex, and it is much easier for her to do than actual sex. It is just not the same. It is much worse that just an "I love you" emotional affair, but it is just not the same as physical sex with 50 dudes. I think you have to look at her skypeing and sexting as a collective incident if you are trying to quantify it in your head. I am not saying that it is equal to just 1 or 5 actual physical sexual encounter. The thing is that is she had just screwed one guy in real life, in reality you would feel worse that all of the stuff that she has done. But you had her take a polygraph and is showed that she had never been physical with another guy since your marriage, Correct? What are you trying to accomplish with this thought process?
usa1ah Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 It takes me a bit to process things and what I'm about to ask you guys just hit me today. Disregard the sexting nude pics.and phone sex and only focus on the live webcam skype sex. I consider that pretty much equal to physical sex. Say my wife did that with 10 differnt guys 5 times that would mean she slept around on me 50 times and in our own home in our bed. Would you guys agree? Ok I guess I missed that part or just over looked it. But yes. The thing is, all of the things she did are in the hands of this other men. So there are over 50 videos of her getting off. Is her face visible on them? I mean they can pop up anytime anywhere. 1
usa1ah Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 If you consider that physically cheating then yes. It is how you view things. Others might not agree but I do. Emotional cheating is leaning on someone for your emotional needs. Physical cheating is any sexual in my book. Others will say it has to have physical contacted. You decided what physical cheating is for yourself. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 It takes me a bit to process things and what I'm about to ask you guys just hit me today. Disregard the sexting nude pics.and phone sex and only focus on the live webcam skype sex. I consider that pretty much equal to physical sex. Say my wife did that with 10 differnt guys 5 times that would mean she slept around on me 50 times and in our own home in our bed. Would you guys agree? I can tell you Zombiehead My husband only WISHES that i had sent nude photos to other men you ask is it the same as screwing another man...NO unequivicably no He would give ANYTHING for my affair to have been nude photos instead of one afternoon of sex..... I understand your devastation...your sadness...your disappointment but your wife did not do what i did she did not take another man into herself stop...just stop and get on with this...do you still love your wife? thats what this comes down to...do you? and if you do then tell her for god's sake forgive her..and move on 2
BaileyB Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 (edited) What she did was disgusting, without a doubt. But, is it the same as having sex with another man? No. The thing that would bother me most is the fact that she filmed you having sex and shared this intimacy with another man. That is such a violation of trust. I understand that you are still processing all that has happened... but really, by searching the Internet for answers (of which, there are none because what she did makes no logical sense) and revisiting the betrayal, you continue to traumatize yourself again, and again, and again... This will only keep you from healing and ultimately forgiving your wife such that you can move on. So, I would suggest that you need to stop. Focus on the future and focus on forgiveness. Edited July 1, 2017 by BaileyB 2
usa1ah Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 The thing that I am realizing is that there is what, somewhere in the neighborhood of a 1000 photos and videos of your wife that this men can post anywhere. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 The thing that I am realizing is that there is what, somewhere in the neighborhood of a 1000 photos and videos of your wife that this men can post anywhere. So what? does it affect your everyday normal life? So there are pictures of your wife floating around the internet? Are you looking at them? She posted nude pictures of herself..you cannot undo that....you accept it and move forward....she did not screw anyone...she posted pictures...you either accept that it is what it is or you divorce her.
Try Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 stop...just stop and get on with this...do you still love your wife? thats what this comes down to...do you? and if you do then tell her for god's sake forgive her..and move on I understand that you are still processing all that has happened... but really, by searching the Internet for answers (of which, there are none because what she did makes no logical sense) and revisiting the betrayal, you continue to traumatize yourself again, and again, and again... This will only keep you from healing and ultimately forgiving your wife such that you can move on. So, I would suggest that you need to stop. Focus on the future and focus on forgiveness. First, trying to rank the badness or less badness for others between a physical affair, emotional affair, or a cyber affair, is not appropriate. Contrary to some, I for one think that what she did was a big time betray that should not be minimized in any way by others. The sharing on the Internet of secretly filmed sex acts with the OP, is not something that I am sure that I could ever get over. Second, it has only been 4 1/2 months since the OP started posting here. It is way too early to be telling him to "move on" and to "focus on forgiveness". What you are missing is that studies consistently show that the cheated on spouse gets over the actual acts of cheating far faster than the dishonesty associated with the cheating. 3
merrmeade Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 I can tell you Zombiehead My husband only WISHES that i had sent nude photos to other men you ask is it the same as screwing another man...NO unequivicably no He would give ANYTHING for my affair to have been nude photos instead of one afternoon of sex..... I understand your devastation...your sadness...your disappointment but your wife did not do what i did she did not take another man into herself stop...just stop and get on with this...do you still love your wife? thats what this comes down to...do you? and if you do then tell her for god's sake forgive her..and move on I'm really surprised. I thought we had a tacit agreement in this forum not to do this. It's only been five months! ZH has decided posting on LS helps him process. So that's what he does. Those words were the most hurtful I heard when I was getting through the first couple of years. Anyone that insisted I must forgive, should get 'over it' or 'on with it' became someone to avoid. I didn't need to be made to feel guilty for not getting over it. I tried to remember but it always cut the floor out from under me and made me feel so alone. ZH, you are doing the best you can. Everything that is happening is normal. Discovering new information and, therefore, new triggers is sort of summed up as 'trickle truth' but, granted, it's a little different for everybody. I suppose your wife just didn't "think about" telling you about the Flickr account and all the details you've now put together. I think that the WSs wants only to put the awfulness of it all behind and so they conveniently forget. They never understand the need for detail - the need to recreate the real past because the one you thought you lived was a lie.Without the full awareness and cooperation from your cheating spouse (because - like the impatience expressed here - they just want to get on with it), you are forced to piece together the betrayal in fits and starts mostly on your own. Each new discovery or realization adds another layer to this changing Thing you're expected to get past, so you can just forgive her. It just doesn't work like that. Everyone wants to help, of course, but really you don't have to buy more bad feelings because to someone else, your wife's manner of cheating was less disturbing somehow. Nonsense. This is what you feel and where you are. Period. You need this therapist. That is the best help you can get. You need to express your rage, grief, dismay and all the rest as you get a grasp on what happened, why, who she is, how you feel about that now and what you want to do about it. No one should push you one way or the other or rush you. No one should judge you. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, zh. Just heal. 5
merrmeade Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 First, trying to rank the badness or less badness for others between a physical affair, emotional affair, or a cyber affair, is not appropriate. Contrary to some, I for one think that what she did was a big time betray that should not be minimized in any way by others. The sharing on the Internet of secretly filmed sex acts with the OP, is not something that I am sure that I could ever get over. Second, it has only been 4 1/2 months since the OP started posting here. It is way too early to be telling him to "move on" and to "focus on forgiveness". What you are missing is that studies consistently show that the cheated on spouse gets over the actual acts of cheating far faster than the dishonesty associated with the cheating. Exactly. Not sure where these gentle truths were forgotten, but they're the bedrock of understanding the recovering BS. 2
Author zombiehead Posted July 1, 2017 Author Posted July 1, 2017 I'm not ready to forgive, I'm still processing everything. From going through they emails, and chat history on several messaging apps she did have at least 4 emotional affairs. When I was saving all the evidence and putting it on a storage drive I separated the conversations under folders for the different men she was cheating with, however that was too time consuming so I didn't finish. There are 4 men that she shared details of her life, her dreamers, her desires, ect ect. How they wished they could be together IRL. The live skype sex sessions absolutely feel the same IMO as a real life affair. They were live on camera together sex talking and pleasuring themselves. I can just imagine how awful it was. The sessions were planned like hook up dates. They would agree on a set time to skype sex, they were excited about it. I can't wait till 1:30, I'm so wet thinking about you. If the men could magically appear in our bedroom I'm sure she would let him "enter" her body. Anyway I found a letter she wrote to her dead ex-boyfriend that she dated for 3 years starting when she was 17. She found out he was dead 2 years after he passed away. He was not successful in life, nearly 40 and still living with his mother and he was hit and killed by a car as he walked home drunk from a bar. In her letter to this deceased ex-boyfriend she said she still loved him, and missed him and she talked about the happiness in their relationship. She said that she showed our daughter a picture of him and our daughter said he was cute. She said she told our kids all about him. The letter ended with her saying that she loves him and will see him in heaven. The reason she broke up with him was because his friend hit her in the head with a board which cut her head pretty badly and his mom drove her to hospital and he didn't go with them, he stayed back with his friends so he could kept partying. She realized that he was a jerk, wouldn't even go with her to the hospital had his mom take her. She ended up getting stitches in her hear for the cut. I just find it really strange that she wrote that letter to an ex-boyfriend that had been dead for 2 years before she found out and who treated her poorly when they dated. She said in the letter that she cried for days after she learned of his death. When we went to visit her parents for Thanksgiving a few years ago on the way to airport to come home she made us stop and his grave and she left the car and went to tell him goodbye, she had us wait in the car for around 20 minutes. I wondering if she ever loved me from the start, or she just settled for me because I'm a good guy and treated well. 1
Maraud3r Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 The question is, does it really matter? She's an all around horrendous and egoistic person. She might not have physical affairs. But she had one emotional affair after another and went about as far as she could with her videos and cheats without having things go physical. If anything the way she reacted to said boyfriends death, is even worse. The problems seem to in generally lie with her. She is building one fantasy after another, then happily living these fantasies out recklessly and without concern as to how it affects others. Involving your children into her fantasies and self indulgent just makes it all that much worse. These are things they do not need nor should they know it and seeing their mother behave in such ways towards other men cannot be good for them and how they perceive relationships. Kick her to the curb. There is nothing to save her. She wont change, possibly cant change. You will never again feel secure, you will never again know if she told you everything, if you found everything and if she isn't doing these things again. If she isn't poisoning and messing with your children.
merrmeade Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 The question is, does it really matter? She's an all around horrendous and egoistic person. She might not have physical affairs. But she had one emotional affair after another and went about as far as she could with her videos and cheats without having things go physical. If anything the way she reacted to said boyfriends death, is even worse. The problems seem to in generally lie with her. She is building one fantasy after another, then happily living these fantasies out recklessly and without concern as to how it affects others. Involving your children into her fantasies and self indulgent just makes it all that much worse. These are things they do not need nor should they know it and seeing their mother behave in such ways towards other men cannot be good for them and how they perceive relationships. Kick her to the curb. There is nothing to save her. She wont change, possibly cant change. You will never again feel secure, you will never again know if she told you everything, if you found everything and if she isn't doing these things again. If she isn't poisoning and messing with your children. Whattt? Who are you to say it doesn't matter - to him? I don't think zh is even asking us whether to stay or whether to go - yet that's what everybody keeps addressing and telling him what to DO. I don't think he needs to DO anything final - except what he's doing, which is processing. He's putting together the pieces of his life with her that HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND FULLY before. He's beginning to understand her - and, therefore, their lives together - only now. The mind-blowing, dark, nasty, life-shattering secret that he started learning about when he grabbed her phone the first time was just the beginning. It's looks like an obsession but really it's necessary to get his sanity and judgment back. He's working, working, working through events and relationships that he just passed over the first time. Now, they all taken on new meaning. And as he learns so much he didn't know about her world, he's got to retell his own story with her with this new information. He's got to revisit the past and repair his memories to be closer to the truth. My husband graciously admitted to me one day that I understood more about what he'd done than he did. It was a compliment I wish I didn't deserve. I suspect you will be in the same position. But nevermind even my observation. You don't need to bother with the meta-analysis of what we and you are doing here or the exasperated advice. It's fine to use LS as a sounding board. IMO. 1
Author zombiehead Posted July 1, 2017 Author Posted July 1, 2017 I was on the home pc making a packing list spread sheet for the up coming camping trip and I found that letter saved on the computer. Why would you write a letter to a dead exboyfriend who treated you badly and was unsucessful in life?
BaileyB Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 I was on the home pc making a packing list spread sheet for the up coming camping trip and I found that letter saved on the computer. Why would you write a letter to a dead exboyfriend who treated you badly and was unsucessful in life? That is the question with a lot of things your wife has done. Why? Who would do something like this? I have no idea... It's is very strange and really disturbing. Especially when you say that she was talking with your daughter about him. Your wife has the emotional maturity, self control, and boundaries of a teen...
merrmeade Posted July 1, 2017 Posted July 1, 2017 I was on the home pc making a packing list spread sheet for the up coming camping trip and I found that letter saved on the computer. Why would you write a letter to a dead exboyfriend who treated you badly and was unsucessful in life? How's the therapy going, zh? This is a question for the therapist. I'd venture that it's something like "unfinished business." They broke up and most breakups leave much unfinished. Rarely is there ever a well-planned closure without unfinished business. I had a few; my daughter, a lot more; saw plenty on TV and movies. I'd venture it's some kind of closure she needed.
merrmeade Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Your wife has the emotional maturity, self control, and boundaries of a teen... But this summation: Totally.
WilyWill Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Took me a long time to realize it, but "bad boys" who are aloof and uncaring are exciting and inspire passion in many (if not all) women. The trustworthy guy who's always kind and takes care of the children is something of a bore. Your wife's ex is desirable not in spite of his jerkiness, but because of it. Same with all the scoundrels she met online. Your wife has a bad case of this affliction. Nice guys really do finish last. But that doesn't release us of our obligation to continue being nice guys.
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Took me a long time to realize it, but "bad boys" who are aloof and uncaring are exciting and inspire passion in many (if not all) women. The trustworthy guy who's always kind and takes care of the children is something of a bore. Your wife's ex is desirable not in spite of his jerkiness, but because of it. Same with all the scoundrels she met online. Your wife has a bad case of this affliction. Nice guys really do finish last. But that doesn't release us of our obligation to continue being nice guys. Perhaps for some women - definitely not all.
Author zombiehead Posted July 2, 2017 Author Posted July 2, 2017 (edited) What is attractive about an unemployed middle aged drunk living with his mother? Doesn't matter he was killed by a car walking home from a bar. Edited July 2, 2017 by zombiehead
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2017 Posted July 2, 2017 Why don't you ask your wife? Why are you torturing yourself this way? It makes no sense to anyone. Your wife likes to live in fantasy. Perhaps, she has built a fantasy around him and remembered him as the love of her life... a high school sweetheart who, had circumstances been different, would have been the love of her life. The only person who could possibly explain it, is your wife.
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