Friskyone4u Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 I haven't watched TV during sex. Last night was great, I'm feeling more hopeful that our marriage will survive this crisis. She was passionate, sincerely passionate, I can tell the difference between faking it or not. Also she is focused on the family, interacting with the twins all day, doing more around the house. This is the best I have felt since I found out. I still think about it but the sting when the affair thoughts come is not as strong. There will probably be some more challenging days ahead to deal with but things are getting better. Again thanks for all the input, it really helps to get feedback, I don't want to speak with people I know IRL about this so it is a great to have a place to come and get help. Glad the sex was great! I assume she did not have a smartphone in the bedroom with the candles while you were on LS telling us that so that you can be sure she did not warm herself up putting on a show for someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 I agree that she should see sex addiction specialist the problem is the only one I found that takes our insurance is 60 miles away through heavy traffic areas. She did have at least 4 EAs that I found. She talked to them daily except.weekends unless she broke free from me and the kids. She told them personal things she.never told me and they talked about how they hate the weekends because they couldnt talk. One guy lived about 230 miles away but he would decline video with her pics and phone sex only so that makes me think he wasnt the person in his pics plus the pics were really good like professional also he was against meeting in person. I saw some pics of my wife and I together when she was really deep in her sexting and that sting came on hard. What should I do about all the pics of us together during her betrayal? Delete them all? Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 Ask her what she thinks should happen to the pictures. I like to see that she communicates with you. She had so much communication with others, she should be talking to you. She murdered the marriage. have her help start on new one on a better foundation. The old foundation is no good. if it helps you to delete them, tell her why. Link to post Share on other sites
Doorstopper Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 All the evidence of the affair belongs to you, to do as you see fit, however, at some point, part of your "moving on" has to involve the destruction of all that evidence. This includes closing or abandoning unused e-mail and other accounts that were used during the affair. Let's face it, you are going to get triggers in your everyday life, you do not need the trigger of some old AP trying to e-mail your wife. I suppose you could keep pictures as part of a personal collection, but I would suggest having your wife make new pictures for you, instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted June 21, 2017 Author Share Posted June 21, 2017 I have all the affair evidence stored on a thumb drive. I havent yet closed the email accounts used but I did close the messaging apps she used. The pictures that triggered me were of us together out on a date night without our kids. When I saw those pictures of us together having a good time watching a band at a music festival I think yeah earlier that day she was messaging those men she also.sent them the pic of us together with me cropped out. So everything we did together all the memories all the pics of us as a family are tainted now, they trigger the sting. Should a wipe clean all pictures of us from that time period? Act like that time period never happened? Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 (edited) I saw some pics of my wife and I together when she was really deep in her sexting and that sting came on hard. What should I do about all the pics of us together during her betrayal? Delete them all? Unless you get off the pix then yes, delete every one of them. She said you were boring in the sack. You caught her watching TV while doing the deed. Come on - she clearly want's more fun in bed and I think it's kind of up to you to at least try something new. She doesn't want to initiate all of this - she wants you to take her and give her what she wants/needs. Videos are great for women who have a touch of exhibitionism in them - which includes a LOT of women. Very few want to post them or show them to others, but making them and seeing them in private is a big turn on for some people. Then you delete them. That's what I'm suggesting - just good clean fun that only the two of you share. Edited June 21, 2017 by drifter777 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted June 21, 2017 Share Posted June 21, 2017 I agree that she should see sex addiction specialist the problem is the only one I found that takes our insurance is 60 miles away through heavy traffic areas. I wonder if you could do an initial consult over the phone. I really don't think you need to do it in person every time. I hadn't heard about the EA's before. That complicates things a bit, although I do think it is part of the addiction. Nobody here can give you advice about her psychological issues. You need to seek out someone trained in that area, and sex addiction counselling is a specialty. If you can do counselling via skype, face-time, or phone, that would open things up a bit in terms of choice. If you live in a state with no-fault divorce, you probably don't need to keep all the "evidence". What else would you need it for? I'm sure you feel sick to your stomach every time you look at it. Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I have all the affair evidence stored on a thumb drive. I havent yet closed the email accounts used but I did close the messaging apps she used. The pictures that triggered me were of us together out on a date night without our kids. When I saw those pictures of us together having a good time watching a band at a music festival I think yeah earlier that day she was messaging those men she also.sent them the pic of us together with me cropped out. So everything we did together all the memories all the pics of us as a family are tainted now, they trigger the sting. Should a wipe clean all pictures of us from that time period? Act like that time period never happened? Maybe set those pictures aside. Wait a few years before deleting the personal pictures of you two. In a few years, if things continue to improve between you to, there may be a few you might want. Link to post Share on other sites
Doorstopper Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I have all the affair evidence stored on a thumb drive. I havent yet closed the email accounts used but I did close the messaging apps she used. The pictures that triggered me were of us together out on a date night without our kids. When I saw those pictures of us together having a good time watching a band at a music festival I think yeah earlier that day she was messaging those men she also.sent them the pic of us together with me cropped out. So everything we did together all the memories all the pics of us as a family are tainted now, they trigger the sting. Should a wipe clean all pictures of us from that time period? Act like that time period never happened? I wouldn't delete the Family pictures but I know exactly how you feel. My wife started sending nudes (though in my case, 1 guy and maybe 10-20 nudes total) while we were in Vegas 2 years ago. Looking at some of those vacation photos used to trigger me. The good news is that those feeling fade after time. I'm at about 20 months post D-Day and don't get triggered by that stuff anymore, though I may still think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Don't delete the evidence. Encrypt it and save it in multiple places. You will need it when comes time for the divorce. Even in a no fault state, she is more likely to accept a fair deal if she knows you can prove her adultery. If you want to keep yourself from looking at it, make a trusted female family member set the encryption key and save it. That way you still have control over the files, but you can look at them and get triggered. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Don't delete the evidence. She is more likely to accept a fair deal if she knows you can prove her adultery. Could also be useful when battling for custody of the children, if it comes to that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Videos are great for women who have a touch of exhibitionism in them - which includes a LOT of women. Very few want to post them or show them to others, but making them and seeing them in private is a big turn on for some people. Then you delete them. That's what I'm suggesting - just good clean fun that only the two of you share. I really don't appreciate this depiction of the majority of my sex as if it's got some kind of authoritative basis other than personal observation. And I don't think it could be helpful to zh unless it's true Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I really don't appreciate this depiction of the majority of my sex as if it's got some kind of authoritative basis other than personal observation. And I don't think it could be helpful to zh unless it's true He didn't say a majority. He said a lot.... Count me in. I wouldn't want them posted anywhere, but I love it when my husband grabs my phone and snaps some photos for me to discover later. I like editing and making some of them "artsy" and will often send them back to him when we exchange naughty texts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Let's make that personal bias rather than observation. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I think I recall watching TV once during sex and my husband called me on it straight away. .."what! you're watching the TV....shocking behaviour " We laughed. ..I told him it (what was on TV) was interesting.He said he wasn't impressed, but wasn't angry about it. He's quite easy going. ..so I know he only mentions stuff when it bothers him. I've never done it again like that. Occasionally we both get distracted by the TV, but I understand after your wife's online life, it's much more of an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted June 26, 2017 Author Share Posted June 26, 2017 Found an old flickr account she used for only one month March 2016, no nudes just sexy pics and pics of our children on a spring break camping trip. She would send her online affair partners the link. Really pisses me off that she sent pictures of the twins, of course no pictures of me, her husband, the father of the children, the provider of the family. I'm pissed again. i guess this is the roller coaster ride that I didn't sign up for. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 Ugh, pics of the kids?!?!! I am sorry ZH, that's horrendous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 Just because their photos were there does not mean she sent the kid's photos. I do not know how that app works. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted June 26, 2017 Share Posted June 26, 2017 True.... Do you have evidence she was sharing the whole file ZH? it's very easy to share single photos, and if you open them in a new browser window before sharing the can't even be linked to the original folder. I doubt most of these men would want to see pictures of children...... Kinda kills the fantasy aspect Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted June 27, 2017 Author Share Posted June 27, 2017 I asked her about the flickr account. She started with KIK then Skype then she opened a Flickr in her fake name she used for the all her messaging apps. She said she would email the men a link so they can view the photos. She added photos for one month, March 2016, sexy photo of her in her "wonder woman" underwear she bought at target, then photos of her looking and posing sexy and then photos from our camping trip on spring break in 2016. Photos of the twins kayaking and fishing. Then towards the end of March 2016 she opened a secret Instagram account in her fake name and that is where she posted daily pics for her online lovers until I caught her. She said with the Flickr she would email them a link, the photos add 4 views and I couldn't see who viewed them also on the Flickr I found she had no followers. Anyway that really pisses me off that she allowed this men to see pics of our children. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 (edited) I asked her about the flickr account. She started with KIK then Skype then she opened a Flickr in her fake name she used for the all her messaging apps. She said she would email the men a link so they can view the photos. She added photos for one month, March 2016, sexy photo of her in her "wonder woman" underwear she bought at target, then photos of her looking and posing sexy and then photos from our camping trip on spring break in 2016. Photos of the twins kayaking and fishing. Then towards the end of March 2016 she opened a secret Instagram account in her fake name and that is where she posted daily pics for her online lovers until I caught her. She said with the Flickr she would email them a link, the photos add 4 views and I couldn't see who viewed them also on the Flickr I found she had no followers. Anyway that really pisses me off that she allowed this men to see pics of our children. Well I would be livid too... But you were previously really upset that she video taped your sex session - yet you stayed with her. She knows you aren't going anywhere. Honestly, how much is too much? You have no boundary. You just keep moving it each time you learn about more bad behavior from her. What are you gonna do? What do you do to take care of you? Your wife has no idea of privacy or what's sacred. It's not something you can teach her. She doesn't have this. You ready to live with more of this forever? Edited June 27, 2017 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted June 27, 2017 Author Share Posted June 27, 2017 I believe I mentioned before the article that said sexting behind your spouses back with other people is a good way to spice up the marriage. Not sexting with your spouse is a good way to spice up the marriage, but sexting with other people not your spouse is a good way to spice things up. What a crock of crapola, that is a good way to destroy your marriage. I don't know why the article sticks in my mind. I guess I hope that I would feel that way so I can get over the betrayal, the shot to my manhood that my wife was sexual with men behind my back. It makes me wonder if I'm overreacting, if I'm just not hip, that I'm a prude and need to get with the modern times that it is perfectly normal for married couples or couples in a committed relationship to sext with strangers online. Anyway it is still a daily struggle to fight the resentment, to fight the anger, to fight the obsession, to fight the mind movies. I wonder how many times she had skype sex, and phone sex. Really who in the heck does that? Who are these men? If I was single there is no way I would have phone sex or skype sex, I guess I'm just a prude. I had no idea my wife was capable of this, no idea, none, zero, she never asked to do this, sure I would have done it if she asked, but seriously I had no idea she would have phone and skype sex with strange men online. She talked really frequently with 4 men, daily, that is all she did all day when I was at work and the kids were at school. She would write long messages to this men and then skype sex and phone sex with them. When we went on trips she would still find time to message with them, she would ride in the back of the van with the kids watching movies typing on her phone with these men. Sending them pics of what we did, it was like these men were on vacation with us riding in the back of the van. I can't sleep tonight, I had a big spill on my mountain bike and bruised my side/back pretty bad. It hurts when I lay down too long, I should probably go to the doctor and have them take a look, maybe I broke some ribs. It has been 5 days since I had the wreck and I'm still in pain. Up walking around, sitting, lifting weights and riding my bike or jogging it doesn't bother me, but when I sneeze or cough or lay down it hurts, especially right when I get up, but once I walk around and start moving the pain fades until I feel normal unless I sneeze or cough and then it is instant pain. Some of y'all have mentioned that I should try sexting with her, or taking pics and sending them to each other so she can satisfy her fetish to reduce her temptation to stray again. If I did that it would be a trigger, it would be reliving the betrayal, I would think of the other men. It would not be special, she has ruined that for us. There is no way I could do that right now, maybe in the future, but right now it would not work for me. I will try things that I read in her sexting that she wanted to do, like role playing, she told a guy that she wanted to do the boss/secretary or teacher/student bit, I'll try that even though I think it is ridiculous, but whatever, if it makes her happy I'll try it. Taken pics, sexting, phone sex, skype sex, that is out of question right now and probably forever. What is wrong with having some wine, lite some candles, and have good old fashioned oral sex and intercourse, throw in some toys, she has her multiple orgasms, I finish at the end and everyone is happy, right? I would like to come home at lunch and have a nooner when the twins are back in school, or she can come to my work and we can have sex in the car or something, maybe get a hotel room near my office and we can meet there at lunch and do the boss/secretary or professor/student bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 It's been 5 five months or so since you started this thread. Please put a time limit on this. Do you want to forgive her and move past this? She needs to fix herself and the two of you need to go to counseling otherwise you're wasting your time and energy just waiting for the big D to happen in future. Can you picture yourself in the same place where you are now by the fall or Christmas? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 Anyway that really pisses me off that she allowed this men to see pics of our children. These are new revelations about her previous actions, not about new post DDay actions, and she was honest about it. It's not like you set boundaries and she ignored them. You seem pretty vigilant, so if she did anything new you would certainly catch her. But still, this is absolutely bizarre behavior for any mother. Have you been able to get any appts with addiction counselors set up? She's obviously got issues that need to be dealt with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 27, 2017 Share Posted June 27, 2017 No, you do NOT need to consider stooping lower to please her! She should be trying to figure out how to fix what is broken deep inside of her. Honestly, just stop trying to justify her bad behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
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