BaileyB Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 I think if you are waiting for her to show true remorse, you will be waiting for a long time and you will be sadly disappointed. Forgiveness, as they say, is a gift you give yourself... to make peace with what has happened, to let go of the pain, and to move forward again... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 5, 2017 Author Share Posted July 5, 2017 I just noticed there is a like button on this site. I went and looked at my facebook page, the last time I posted on my wall or page or whatever it is called was a Halloween pic of the twins in 2013. That shows how much I use it. Anyway I went on there to see how to recovery old direct messages that you can do on facebook and you can. I'm going to log on to my wife's facebook account that she deactivated, I believe you can just log on and it reactivates. I'm going to get her message history that retrieves deleted messages and see if she was doing it on facebook too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 5, 2017 Author Share Posted July 5, 2017 Maraud3r, she said nearly those exact words, "this is just a minor bump in our marriage" "I have been good for nearly all of our marriage and this is just a small minor bump" "I never was physical with any one', "we have friends that stayed married after infidelity and they had "real" affairs and I never had a real one" blah blah blah. For some reason her filming us together and sending it out doesen't hurt as badly as her one on one live skype sex dates. That hurts worse, that is what my major hurdle is. The skype sex dates were planned in advanced, she wanted him and he wanted her, she talked dirty to him live naked and pleasuring herself while he did the same. IMO that is just like a hook up in a hotel room, safer because it is online no STDs or other risks, but still it is same because the intent is the same. She has offered to take a polygraph test without me bringing it up. Maybe I should take her up on that? It feels very awkward to have to hook your spouse up to a lie detector test, IMO if you are at that point in your marriage when that becomes necessary then your marriage is already over, it is dead. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 (edited) I just noticed there is a like button on this site. I went and looked at my facebook page, the last time I posted on my wall or page or whatever it is called was a Halloween pic of the twins in 2013. That shows how much I use it. Anyway I went on there to see how to recovery old direct messages that you can do on facebook and you can. I'm going to log on to my wife's facebook account that she deactivated, I believe you can just log on and it reactivates. I'm going to get her message history that retrieves deleted messages and see if she was doing it on facebook too. And your purpose in doing this is what exactly... You know what she has done. You certainly don't need any more proof. What was the advice that has been given so many times? Oh yes - stop obsessing about your triggers! Let's say that you do find messages, you will only trigger yourself yet again which will ensure that you stay in a place of pain and misery. You are your own worst enemy... But, by all means, if you must... Edited July 5, 2017 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 I guess people who cheat want to avoid talking about it so apologizing on her own would be bring it up. If I was the cheater I would be jumping through hoops, apologizing on my own, asking how I can make it up, and she has done NONE of that. This is the difference in the way you love and care for your wife and the way she does you. It is not the same. This is what I have been trying to explain. You could never have cheated on your wife because of the way you love and respect her and your marriage. She did do this because she doesn't feel the same for you as you do for her. Is it an addiction now, maybe. Only because she has done it for so long. It wasn't an addiction when she first started. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 (edited) Thank you for the responses. She is stubborn, she rarely likes to admit when she is wrong or apologies. I learned this about her when were dating, I was attracted to that about her personality. I like a firecracker. Another problem I'm having is the pride factor. R with a person that betrayed me hurts my pride. If we were dating it would be over immediately. Now with how long we have been together and kids and the future we have built it makes it more complicated to just walk away. I feel like damn I'm staying with an internet slut I'm such a loser with no self respect. I don't think it is pride but self respect. How can any self respecting husband stay with a wife that has done this. This is where men lose or win their self respect. If they cave and give in with a rug sweep or they make the wayward do the hard work to save the relationship. The thing is when the wayward thinks they have done enough and can't understand why the BS is still hurting and feeling disconnected. Like you wife telling to just think happy thoughts when the mind moves are playing. This is not completely a pride thing. I think you are trying to regain and maintain your self respect. Edited July 5, 2017 by usa1ah 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 OK, now look... If she has not had a polygraph you need to schedule one ASAP. You don't know if she hooked up with someone or not. I thought you said you had done that and she passed so which is it? Here is the deal, after all of this time, she, like I said, does not think what she did was a big deal. So you either man up and have a real conversation about this stuff of when she actually cheats for real it may actually be you fault because you have provided her not consequences at all about what she has done. You are the one moping around the house pissed off and she is "not thinking bad thoughts". Either divorce her or do your part of the work. Your part of the work includes sitting her down and COMMUNICATING WITH HER. You have to tell her what you are saying here and you have to be assertive. Mean while, you only have her word that she never got physical with anyone since you have been married. I actually doubt it to be frank. Schedule the poly and find out what is actually going on or don't and file for divorce... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 No it is not any of these things. He's trying to make sure he's got the whole truth since she (conveniently?) forgot to mention some things that,at the time, she also saw fit not to mention, eg, writing dead boyfriends and showing their picture to the kids. Above all, he's needs to prove to himself she IS trustworthy. Once he's sure, he'll stop. Don't forget: He's uncovered more than one 'event' she didn't mention. Until he's sure he's checked all possibilities and sees that the status quo remains, he can't be sure she's all in, hiding nothing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 OK, now look... If she has not had a polygraph you need to schedule one ASAP. yes, wouldn't a polygraph convince? Also thought you said she had one... Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 She is stubborn, she rarely likes to admit when she is wrong or apologies. I learned this about her when were dating, I was attracted to that about her personality. I like a firecracker. Maraud3r, she said nearly those exact words, "this is just a minor bump in our marriage" "I have been good for nearly all of our marriage and this is just a small minor bump" "I never was physical with any one', "we have friends that stayed married after infidelity and they had "real" affairs and I never had a real one" blah blah blah. This is part of the firecracker package. I am not trying to shame you or imply that you should've known. No, not at all. However, you will likely need an extraordinary amount of patience if you are committed to reconciliation and should adjust your expectations accordingly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Road, I am not sure that I understand your point. OR this is one of the few times that we disagree. That excerpt sounds to me like the kind of drivel that I was and have been talking about. Unless I am taking it out of context. For me, and I think most people, the BS drives the bus and should. The WS comes clean and get their selves together or they are gone. But then that is just me. You confuse showing remorse and telling the truth to the BH. Two separate issues. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 You confuse showing remorse and telling the truth to the BH. Two separate issues. Yes I get that... I was including remorse, or at least trying to get there, with the getting them selves together part. Sorry, that was not clear. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Maraud3r, she said nearly those exact words, "this is just a minor bump in our marriage" "I have been good for nearly all of our marriage and this is just a small minor bump" "I never was physical with any one', "we have friends that stayed married after infidelity and they had "real" affairs and I never had a real one" blah blah blah. She certainly knows how to minimize her behavior... "I have "been good" for "nearly" all of our marriage..." She is something else. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2017 Share Posted July 5, 2017 Above all, he's needs to prove to himself she IS trustworthy. Is she really trustworthy? I don't think so. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 That she describes any of what she has done as a minor bump is appalling. How much of her crap excuses are you gonna swallow? She keeps proving she's not marriage material. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 You have had a hard time with emotions since finding out what was going on behind your back. You have every right to be hurt and angry but right now you are causing yourself more hurt by continuing to hunt for things that will cause you more hurt. Looking for more e-mails and looking for more sources of her communication with others only adds more and more hurt to you. I'm not one of those people that just has to know it all. All I really have to know is that it took place. You have all the information you need to make any decision you want to make so why are you searching for more. More just causes you more hurt and pushes you away from attempting real R. Quit beating around the bush and tell your wife exactly what you need from her to feel safe with her as your partner. People are all different and they are not mind readers. How you would act in her situation does not mean that she is going to act the same way. Quit looking and start doing things to heal. I do wish you well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 6, 2017 Author Share Posted July 6, 2017 I'm going to have another talk with her tonight. During our conversations the discussion gets sidetracked so Im going to make a list and work through its completion. Do you guys that have been so generous with your time helping me have any suggestions for the list? Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 I'm going to have another talk with her tonight. During our conversations the discussion gets sidetracked so Im going to make a list and work through its completion. Do you guys that have been so generous with your time helping me have any suggestions for the list? From your post earlier it sounds as if she is minimizing her affair. She is correct that it was not a PIV affair, but it was very much sexual in nature (multiple times with different men). The damage and hurt is still done and is real. For me, if she stays the course with "it was only...", that would be the deal-breaker. I would have serious reservations about reconciling with a wife that refuses to fully acknowledge what she had done. Of course, she may say what you want to hear just to placate you. You'll have to be the judge if she is genuine or not. ... "this is just a minor bump in our marriage" "I have been good for nearly all of our marriage and this is just a small minor bump" "I never was physical with any one', "we have friends that stayed married after infidelity and they had "real" affairs and I never had a real one" blah blah blah. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 I'm going to have another talk with her tonight. During our conversations the discussion gets sidetracked so Im going to make a list and work through its completion. Do you guys that have been so generous with your time helping me have any suggestions for the list? Depends on the purpose of the discussion. What are your goals for this discussion? What does a good healthy relationship? How fo you want to get there? What does she need to do? What do you need to do? Ultimately, if you want to continue this relationship for the long run, do you two have a good vision of what it looks like so that you both want to stay in it without regrets. List of boundaries and expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 No one here can tell you what questions you need to ask... good grief. You have your own mind... your own fears.. your own disappointments...your own pain. If you cannot sit down with your wife and discuss with her how she has hurt you... how disappointed you are in her... what you need her to do to help you feel safe...what you expect from your relationship ... Then you are worse off than any of us thought.. You don't need a list of questions from us... we are not the ones looking for answers. Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 You could always just go to your marriage vows and use them as a guideline/list of items to discuss. Did your marriage vows include "forsaking all others"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author zombiehead Posted July 6, 2017 Author Share Posted July 6, 2017 I have a list working adding to it as things come to mind. Two heads are better than one so if any one here that as been kind enough to follow this problem Im working through has a suggestion please post it. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 Tell her that you can't get past this. This is supported by your continued posting. You are not getting over this betrayal. How will she feel now that you are going to go and have affairs? You need her to leave you and the kids behind. Go far away. She needs some consequences and you want a D. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) ZH one thing you might try to find out is how it all started. She probably was addicted to it at the end but it didn't start out as one. I don't think it is trying to feel safe but to stop the mind movies. I don't see how you can. Because anything sexual she might do is going to trigger you right now. Something or someone was the starting point for what your wife did. What was it or who was it. What got her thinking about it to begin with? Why did she not do it with you from the start? Who did she talk with about this before she began? How did she begin? Did she know the person beforehand? Why was it ok to go outside the marriage for sexual fulfillment? Why was it when you started? So if you were unable to use the means you did to get with these guy, would you have meet them in person to cheated? How can you say no, you did everything but meet in person. If you didn't have the means you do, how would you have scratched that itch with out meeting in person? Have you ever made plans, in anyway, to meet anyone other then myself in person for sexual interaction? Have you ever sexually interacted with anyone other then myself sense we have been a couple? Ever in the same room? Ask for details not just simple answers. Ask sense it's not that big of a deal. I was thinking of watching a girl in person do what you did with these guys. Ask if she would be alright with you doing this. Edited July 6, 2017 by usa1ah 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 6, 2017 Share Posted July 6, 2017 (edited) I'm going to have another talk with her tonight. During our conversations the discussion gets sidetracked so Im going to make a list and work through its completion. Do you guys that have been so generous with your time helping me have any suggestions for the list? With all due respect, this is the kind of conversation that should occur in marriage counseling. Why you are not attending marriage counseling together, I do not understand... Edited July 6, 2017 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts