nude pics red flag??

[S2B]

Are you afraid to talk to her honestly about all of this?

[road]

This all sounds great...

 

But about the R, no, it does not have to be that way. And you should not be part of it if you are not happy with the way it is going.

 

Here is the thing, your wife has a huge amount of work to do and everyone knows that she has not done that work.

 

But you are the one that is allowing that by rug sweeping what has happened. Not to make you feel bad or blame you, but you are in the drivers seat an you are not setting down what needs to happen. You even allowed HER to get upset about you asking questions about her affairs.

 

You have not had a polygraph because you really don't want to know if she was physical with anyone. But you resent not knowing.

 

The sandwich that you are eating is of your own making. When you let her skate by without any real consequences, you made the sandwich.

 

So either take the steps necessary to get her on the R bandwagon the right way or eat the sandwich.

 

They choice is really yours...

 

Are you afraid to talk to her honestly about all of this?

 

Problem is many WW will not talk about the affair. They will say if you

continue to talk I will leave.

 

They know they have some leverage because the BH has not

thrown them out or packed his stuff and left. So is the BH ready

to call her bluff? He does not want to be a part time dad.

 

He is between a rock and a hard place. She most likely will

not cheat again but the BH not getting answers will haunt him

for the rest of his life.

[usa1ah]

Hey ZH, since you're going to try to R. I think it's about time you let your wife read this thread

[usa1ah]

I still believe she told those OM the truth about everything.

 

Wish you the best ZH. It will be had for you to eat that sandwich. I do understand about not wanting to be a weekend dad.

 

Later Z

[usa1ah]

This all sounds great...

 

But about the R, no, it does not have to be that way. And you should not be part of it if you are not happy with the way it is going.

 

Here is the thing, your wife has a huge amount of work to do and everyone knows that she has not done that work.

 

But you are the one that is allowing that by rug sweeping what has happened. Not to make you feel bad or blame you, but you are in the drivers seat an you are not setting down what needs to happen. You even allowed HER to get upset about you asking questions about her affairs.

 

You have not had a polygraph because you really don't want to know if she was physical with anyone. But you resent not knowing.

 

The sandwich that you are eating is of your own making. When you let her skate by without any real consequences, you made the sandwich.

 

So either take the steps necessary to get her on the R bandwagon the right way or eat the sandwich.

 

They choice is really yours...

 

Hard to get a person that says " I didn't physically cheat like other wives have and there husbands for gave them." And so on. She doesn't see that call Z a loser in bed to all those guys she cheated with as a problem or the pics a vids either.

 

A woman like this will never do any heavy lifting.

[S2B]

She's avoiding talking about her actions and you've swept it away.

 

It's gonna blow up if you don't bring all that garbage up and sift through all the crappy feelings by talking about it all.

 

Avoiding it and how it makes you feel will cause illness and sadness to set in.

 

Where's your self respect? She won't respect you if you don't respect yourself.

 

You need to get strong - get some professional help.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't know what the answer is for you, but I'm pretty sure that people who successfully reconcile after situations like this, don't just bottle up their anger and hurt indefinitely.

 

Not saying those things don't always exist at some level under the surface. But not the kind of constant anger you are feeling.

[zombiehead]

They say the pain from infidelity is on par with the pain from the death of a loved one. IMO infidelity is more painful. When a loved one passes you have a funeral and support from friends and family, it's easier to move on. Infidelity there is no real closure and trying to R is living daily with the source of your pain.

[BaileyB]

They say the pain from infidelity is on par with the pain from the death of a loved one. IMO infidelity is more painful. When a loved one passes you have a funeral and support from friends and family, it's easier to move on. Infidelity there is no real closure and trying to R is living daily with the source of your pain.

 

Have you lost a close loved one? It's easier to move on - are you serious? I'm sorry, but that is a very selfish and ignorant thing to say. I haven't experienced infidelity, but I have experienced the trauma of losing my mother to cancer. That is a hell that I would never wish on anyone. It took years before life felt good again and I will carry the grief with me for the rest of my life. I have never before felt so lost, and sad, and alone in this world. I don't even know what to say... It's not fair to compare loss.

 

But seriously, have you done anything to begin to heal yourself and your marriage? I know that the two of you have dabbled in individual counselling, but at some point you will need to really talk about the issues in your marriage and how you plan to move forward. At some point, you will have to forgive her. If you are serious about reconciliation, why have you not been to marriage counselling?

Edited July 25, 2017 by BaileyB

[zombiehead]

Waking up next to your wayward spouse too me is like waking up with the coffin where the dead marriage rests.

[GunslingerRoland]

Waking up next to your wayward spouse too me is like waking up with the coffin where the dead marriage rests.

 

And you can't reconcile as long as you feel that way.

[BaileyB]

Waking up next to your wayward spouse too me is like waking up with the coffin where the dead marriage rests.

 

Well, then make another choice. She may have taken the photos and caused the betrayal, but you are becoming more and more the source of your own pain.

[zombiehead]

I know I cant R with this anger and disgust Im feeling today. Man it is so hard to move forward to get past it. I see my personal therapist tomorrow. The actions and decisions of my wife is the reason why I need to get mental health care. He told me there will be many days like today where Im totally angry and disgusted from the betrayal but eventually it will get better. I dont know what is bringing it on today, I just cant control my thoughts. Man it is hard to swallow a giant ego self respect self esteem crushing triple decker sh#t sandwich.

[GunslingerRoland]

But you're still not getting it. You either have to get over it or not. I don't see any way that you can just not get over it, and still keep this marriage.

 

If you have this anger all of the time, if you are constantly upset over it, if you feel like you're eating this **** sandwich all the time, then you aren't getting over it at all. Your therapist will say what he has too, but at this point you should be starting to feel some level of acceptance. Some level of forgiveness. You don't. It doesn't matter whether that is on you for not letting yourself forgive or her for not really deserving forgiveness. It is the only way to fix your marriage.

[Mrs. John Adams]

But you're still not getting it. You either have to get over it or not. I don't see any way that you can just not get over it, and still keep this marriage.

 

If you have this anger all of the time, if you are constantly upset over it, if you feel like you're eating this **** sandwich all the time, then you aren't getting over it at all. Your therapist will say what he has too, but at this point you should be starting to feel some level of acceptance. Some level of forgiveness. You don't. It doesn't matter whether that is on you for not letting yourself forgive or her for not really deserving forgiveness. It is the only way to fix your marriage.

 

I agree with much of this however i will change one thing. He will never get over it. None if us ever "get over it"...we learn to live with it.

 

and until he is convinced his wife understands his pain...until he feels his wife has done everything she can to make him feel safe in this relationship...he will not move forward.

 

She has not done anything to indicate to him she understands his pain nor has she done anything to help him feel safe.

 

and that is on her

 

but his choosing to stay in this relationship without those things is on him.

[DKT3]

I agree with much of this however i will change one thing. He will never get over it. None if us ever "get over it"...we learn to live with it.

 

and until he is convinced his wife understands his pain...until he feels his wife has done everything she can to make him feel safe in this relationship...he will not move forward.

 

She has not done anything to indicate to him she understands his pain nor has she done anything to help him feel safe.

 

and that is on her

 

but his choosing to stay in this relationship without those things is on him.

 

Agreed. But also he has to understand the depth of her betrayal, to this point he is scared to know the full extent which will only feed his anger.

 

In infidelity you have to burn it all down to see if there is enough left to build a healthy relationship. ZH is building the west wing while the East wing is still burning.

[zombiehead]

I had an addiction to cigars, my wife was on my as3 to stop after the twins were born. I told her I stopped but I kept on smoking cigars behind her back. We were at a company party and when I left my wife alone with some of my coworkers she found out from them that I was still smoking cigars. Well she was upset that I lied to her about my cigar smoking and now that we are talking about her infidelity she keeps bringing it up that I sinned badly to her by lying about smoking cigars.

 

I told her that sneaking cigars behind her back is not the same thing as having skype sex with her affair partners.

[GunslingerRoland]

I had an addiction to cigars, my wife was on my as3 to stop after the twins were born. I told her I stopped but I kept on smoking cigars behind her back. We were at a company party and when I left my wife alone with some of my coworkers she found out from them that I was still smoking cigars. Well she was upset that I lied to her about my cigar smoking and now that we are talking about her infidelity she keeps bringing it up that I sinned badly to her by lying about smoking cigars.

 

I told her that sneaking cigars behind her back is not the same thing as having skype sex with her affair partners.

 

But what you're not getting is that if you were to rate the most horrible things your wife could do to you skype sex would be up near the top. If she were to list the most horrible things she could do to you it wouldn't be. And that lies the part that you and her need to reconcile, is that she will never seen it as big as a sin as you see it and you aren't going to change that. And if the only way you can forgive her, is to suddenly make her think that, it isn't going to happen.

 

You don't see smoking cigars behind her back as being a big deal. She doesn't see skype sex with strangers as a big deal. You don't have the definitive decision on which is a bigger issue. Her perspective is her perspective.

[zombiehead]

Another thing she said was that she can't understand my pain because she is not the betrayed spouse.

[reboot]

Bringing up the cigars is called deflection. *shrug*

[Zona]

Another thing she said was that she can't understand my pain because she is not the betrayed spouse.

 

Maybe she should spend a few days reading the "just found out thread" at SI if she is having trouble seeing things from the betrayed perspective. Few things in this world are as raw and emotional.

 

Honestly if she could read that kind of stuff and not be moved, then she is probably too far gone to be salvaged as a wife. Narcissists and sociopaths don't make good marriage material.

Edited July 25, 2017 by Zona

[zombiehead]

The answer she gives me when I ask her "why" is she was addicted to the attention. I asked her how is pleasuring yourself to another man's sexual text message " getting attention"? Seriously, a man writes her an erotic story, no pics just words and when the kids and I are not home she reads it and pleasures herself to his words, how is that getting attention? How is having phone sex getting attention? I asked her point blank if she has a fetish for multiple men or webcam sex or what? In her kindle browser history she was searching and reading erotic literature they all were about group sex.

 

 

Addicted to the attention is not a sufficient answer, that is purely minimizing what she was doing. The other excuse is she had a midlife crisis, so what is it? Midlife crisis, attention, or fetish, possibly a mixture of all 3?

 

I wish this never happened, but it did, how do you get through it? Cheating is so cold, then to not understand the damage you caused your spouse makes it nearly impossible to repair.

[zombiehead]

I want the special back, committed, kind, caring, loving, friendship, partnership, we have each other's backs type special relationship. Now I have a crap marriage, on the verge of total collapse. How can it be special again? I want special, I want to be with someone that would never do this, that respects me and loves me. Not sure if I want her love back, she doesn't understand the damage she caused, I don't feel like I know the full truth and I don't know who she is.

[usa1ah]

I want the special back, committed, kind, caring, loving, friendship, partnership, we have each other's backs type special relationship. Now I have a crap marriage, on the verge of total collapse. How can it be special again? I want special, I want to be with someone that would never do this, that respects me and loves me. Not sure if I want her love back, she doesn't understand the damage she caused, I don't feel like I know the full truth and I don't know who she is.

 

 

This is why it hurts more then the death of a loved one. The wife and relationship that you had is gone, dead.

 

In it's place is a woman that looks like and has the same voice as the wife you lost. You just don't know who this person is. She is not the loving caring wife that died. She can't understand your pain and sees no need to. In stead of your pain causing her pain, she is just wanting you to get over it already.

 

The wife you knew is gone, she's not coming back.

[BluesPower]

Let's all understand. If everything you have written is true and there have been some inconsistencies, which make me wonder, but so be it.

 

You need to understand that you do not have the full truth in any way. And the way that you are going, by sitting there and whining about it, you are never going to get there.

 

If you ever get the courage to have her polygraphed, you will find out that she had real live sex with someone. That is just a fact.

 

Because she has lied to you about so much, she is still in some of the lying and affair mind set. She may not have had Skype sex since you caught her, but she thinks about it.

 

She cannot get to a level or a place to understand your pain because she wants to keep doing it. Basically she wants to be single or she wants to swing. Get it, be a swinger, group sex, threesomes, hot wifeing or what ever. That is where her mind is at. Not helping her beta boy husband feel better.

 

With her thinking the way that she must be, she will never ever get to a place of remorse. She will never be able to help you heal, she will never ever be remorseful, she will never be able to understand your pain.

 

So you either have to get real and have her polygraphed with the proper questions, or you have to file for divorce. If you don't do one of these things you will never get your self respect back.

 

You will never be able to get to a better place with her if you do not take charge and find out what was really going on, drag her in front of a real MC that can help with the infidelity. And basically get tough.

 

If you don't have it in you to do that, then get out or be miserable...