nude pics red flag??

[deadsoul]

I'm up wife and twins are out shopping for a birthday present they are going to a party this afternoon. I have not confronted her yet. Getting ready for work, I work 2 jobs, have appointments all afternoon.

 

Spent 5 hours in her phone last night collecting the evidence and emailing and texting it to my phone then covered my tracks. Skype was full of sexting, pics, and short videos. There were 8 men in the Skype account. I didn't have time to look through Tango. Also I took screen shots of her apps so I'll go back through that and see if there are any other messaging apps that she could be using. Also I emailed all her nude pics, those are upsetting.

 

In her convo she told these guys she would never leave me, that I was a great husband, very handsome, amazing in bed. She told them that she was only looking for some "spice" nothing more.

 

There was so much in Skype that I was burning time by reading it while collecting, so I stopped reading and focused more on collecting.

 

I have to go now. Thanks for all your help, I feel like I made much progress and a resolution is near.

 

I'm so sorry Zombie. just keep your kids in the forefront of every decision/action you take. It will be hard because you are focused on your pain. Your BW needs a lot of help and she's about to realize she's destroying a great thing. Please keep us updated, if you're able.

[zombiehead]

My tears were raining down on her phone while I was reading and viewing the horror of her betrayal.

 

I'm a complete wreck today but I have to get through it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I'm sorry I'm not familiar with divorce laws or procedure whether in the US or where I live. I wanted to ask the forum if it is absolutely necessary to have a tangible reason to file for divorce such as infidelity or domestic abuse or some such other reason or is it enough to state that you have irrecociliable differences with your spouse because of which you cannot continue with the marriage. I am asking because people on here have often said that the WS usually puts forward the argument that only mild flirting or an EA was involved and the affair did not proceed to a PA. Apparently the rationale behind such projections is that nothing serious has happened to jeopardize the marriage, even though the BS thinks that all limits have been crossed and there is no chance of being able to recover the relationship from their point of view. Here the thing is that if Zombie feels that enough is enough and he is done with the marriage, then he should not feel constrained in filing for divorce even if his wife swears on everything she holds precious, that she has not done anything serious enough to merit a divorce.

 

Your views would be very welcome and helpful for me. Thanks.

[AnneP]

My tears were raining down on her phone while I was reading and viewing the horror of her betrayal.

 

I'm a complete wreck today but I have to get through it.

 

I'm so sorry.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zombie, I really am so sorry that you have had to deal with this terrible situation all by yourself. I can understand your utter loneliness while having to deal with this event. In normal circumstances you would have relied on your wife for support in such a situation but now she is the enemy and you are all alone. I would suggest that now is the time to take your own family into confidence so that you can lean on them for support at this time. If you have a good friend who is close to you but not very friendly with your wife, someone from your bachelor days, you could tap him for support too.

 

Wish you all the very best going forward. I admire you for having kept your cool inspire of the terrible events you are facing. Warm wishes.

[AnneP]

I know many men who have to pay alimony because their wife either earned less or didn't work at all. And the courts generally don't care that the wife chose to blow up the marriage by cheating.

 

Hi Folks, I'm sorry I'm not familiar with divorce laws or procedure whether in the US or where I live. I wanted to ask the forum if it is absolutely necessary to have a tangible reason to file for divorce such as infidelity or domestic abuse or some such other reason or is it enough to state that you have irrecociliable differences with your spouse because of which you cannot continue with the marriage. I am asking because people on here have often said that the WS usually puts forward the argument that only mild flirting or an EA was involved and the affair did not proceed to a PA. Apparently the rationale behind such projections is that nothing serious has happened to jeopardize the marriage, even though the BS thinks that all limits have been crossed and there is no chance of being able to recover the relationship from their point of view. Here the thing is that if Zombie feels that enough is enough and he is done with the marriage, then he should not feel constrained in filing for divorce even if his wife swears on everything she holds precious, that she has not done anything serious enough to merit a divorce.

 

Your views would be very welcome and helpful for me. Thanks.

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry. It must have been hard to see, even though you had very well founded suspicions.

 

This is obviously, not the the behavior of a loving and committed wife and mother. She is about to have a rude awakening...

[Marc878]

My tears were raining down on her phone while I was reading and viewing the horror of her betrayal.

 

I'm a complete wreck today but I have to get through it.

 

It would be best if you didn't internalize this. Take some time and calm yourself as much as you can before confronting. Easier said than done.

 

You really need a close friend or relative to lean on.

[AnneP]

It would be best if you didn't internalize this. Take some time and calm yourself as much as you can before confronting. Easier said than done.

 

You really need a close friend or relative to lean on.

 

Curious if she's sleeping with the neighbor or anyone they know in real life. I'm not sure I could go home and look at her in the eyes.

[aliveagain]

Your wife has some serious issues and that many nudes/vids could end up on porn sites. She will need serious IC help.

 

However, you need to take some time and decide what you want.

 

Just because you know what's up doesn't mean this will stop.

 

Some men make their living enticing women like your wife to send nude photo's and sexting video's of themselves, they then turnaround and sell them to porn sites. Once your wife presses the send button there's no telling where those video's will end up, after all, most of these guys are bottom feeders. Guys brag and share with friends. Cheating is cheating and most emotional affairs, regardless of distance eventually turn physical, read the stats for yourself.

 

Don't want to alarm you too much but let's hope none of these guys know her real name. Once they post her pictures or video's under her real name it's there forever and can be very difficult to shut down. Image what anyone doing a credit check, employer due diligence or any kind of bureau might find. Even worse and the most troubling to me is the possibility that when your children are old enough to work a computer the first googles they do are usually about their family. Talk to a lawyer, protect your children, protect your finances.

[zombiehead]

Thanks everyone I'm waiting for my 1st client so that will help me focus off this disaster.

 

Considering bringing it to a head tonight. I would greatly appreciate some ideas on how I should confronter her.

 

Thanks again.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Anne, thanks for your reply. Would the reason of having to pay alimony scare off a BH/ BW from filing for divorce? My reason for asking was that does one need a very solid reason for filing even if that reason is normally not important for the court in awarding alimony and other benefits to the cheating spouse. If the BS has decided he/she cannot live with the WS anymore then can the WS challenge this decision in court on valid grounds? Thanks for your answer in advance.

[AnneP]

Hi Anne, thanks for your reply. Would the reason of having to pay alimony scare off a BH/ BW from filing for divorce? My reason for asking was that does one need a very solid reason for filing even if that reason is normally not important for the court in awarding alimony and other benefits to the cheating spouse. If the BS has decided he/she cannot live with the WS anymore then can the WS challenge this decision in court on valid grounds? Thanks for your answer in advance.

 

Depends on the state. A lot of states have no fault laws. But yes, I am sure it does scare BW/BH because courts just don't care if an affair occurred. ZH might very well end up having to pay alimony.

 

I don't think any judge would allow the WS to stall the divorce when they were cheating. Again, depends on the state.

[BuddyX]

There are many ways you can handle it. I'm of the mind set of keeping it simple.

 

Least amount of words. You know that feeling you have right now; mind going 1000 miles an hour, wondering why, how can she do this to us, etc? You can flip that by asking her straight up tonight; "Are you having an affair?" Odds are she'll answer No. Give her a business card of an attorney (any attorney would do now. No papers necessary-just yet) and tell her, she'll be hearing from him.

 

And walk away.

 

Imagine the mind f*ck that will create for her. And at this time, either your wife will become the sweetest angel or the coldest B.

Edited February 11, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[GoldenR]

When you confront:

 

Do not cry.

 

Do not say "please".

 

Do not beg.

 

Do not play the "pick me" game.

 

 

Any of this will backfire. It always, ALWAYS, does.

[verycurious]

I'm so sorry.

 

AnneP

 

you are an amazing lady...you give some terrific

observations

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I would just say as little as possible and let her do the talking. Do let her know how much you know. You have the power now, keep it that way. You will know right away if she is lying or giving trickle truth. She will be trying to figure out how much you already know and only confess to that or she will be giving you more then you know, trying to truly come clean.

 

Is this something you think you can get past say if it was just a cyber sex thing and not anything physical ever? Or is what you already know too much to move forward with and the relationship is over? If the latter, I would just confront and let her know you are going through with divorce.

[aliveagain]

Get someone to watch the kids when you decide to confront. Have a recorder on the table between you. Tell her you know what's going on and about all the other men. Tell her that it is important that you both be honest with each other and that this is the one chance you will give her to reconcile with you. If you hear of new information or of continued contact you will not guarantee her another chance. The offer is now and your decision to reconcile or to divorce will depend on how close her confession is to the proof you have stored away in a safe location. The recorder is there so both of you can go back and refer to the information and it's accuracy eliminating any doubt of what was said. Then let her talk.

 

If she calls your bluff just throw out a couple of the guys names and their penis pictures. If she refuses, well, you have all you need to divorce an unresentful cheating wife. The goal here is to stop the affairs and to take yourself out of infidelity. She may or may not be part of that but at least you know where you stand and can make choices that are best for you and the twins. Don't scream, stay calm but be strong and make sure you have your demands for reconciliation. Independent counselling and no contact should be at the top of the list, possibly a polygraph test.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I meant to say do NOT let her know how much you know...

[whichwayisup]

Thanks everyone I'm waiting for my 1st client so that will help me focus off this disaster.

 

Considering bringing it to a head tonight. I would greatly appreciate some ideas on how I should confronter her.

 

Thanks again.

 

If possible, allow the grandparents to take the kids for a sleepover, don't do this when they are home.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

To me she would need to remove all passwords and allow you to look through everything as if you havent seen anything yet. I just wouldn't let on how much you already know.

 

Look up the term trickle truth. Look up the term gaslighting. Watch out for blame shifting, don't entertain the idea that this is somehow your fault. Keep in mind there is a huge difference in sorry she did it, and sorry she got caught.

 

Keep calm as possible. I agree with recording the conversation. If nothing else to protect yourself. At the moment you can't tell how she will react.

[Marc878]

When you confront:

 

Do not cry.

 

Do not say "please".

 

Do not beg.

 

Do not play the "pick me" game.

 

 

Any of this will backfire. It always, ALWAYS, does.

 

Exactly, you do the "pick me dance" it tells her she is worth more than you and no matter what she does you'll take it.

[Poutrew]

When you do confront, NEVER give up your sources. Never. Ever. However, you can do a bit of damage to the cheating world she has constructed. Right now, your wife is the Black Widow Spider sitting at the center of her web of lies, with each leg on a control line, getting a thrill from each wriggle she feels from all the men she has caught. You want to snip some of those lines. You can start by waiting for the kids to be in bed. Then you can sit your wife down and tell her you have something important to ask her. Tell her you are in contact with someone you don't know, and he has told you that you having an affair with him. Tell her the reason he is telling you this is because he loves you and he wants you to get a divorce so he can marry her. Tell her he really likes the pics you are sending him. He likes the sex and thinks he can make her happier because she has told him how much more sexier then you he is, and how you like the shape and size of his dick. Be over the top. But say it serious. Look her direct in the eye and don't stop. Tell her you are going to listen to her story, but be truthful. Her future as your wife depends on it. If she tells you it must be a joke or some crazy guy talking out of his assh*le, tell her that explanation doesn't work because the guy knew too many personal things he had no way to know unless she told him. Then tell her to tell the truth and to not stop talking until you tell her to. She will be in pure panic mode and may spill open like a floodgate to Hell.

 

Have a DVR going so you can get a recording of the proceedings. Personally, what you already know is bad enough. I would divorce her. But you can deal with it in your own way from a position of strength and truth. Good luck.

[MickeyBill]

Honestly if this is all online, a first time, and just for "spice" she will fold like a cheap lawnchair.

 

•On these kind of sites a real live non-bot woman can rack up a ton of guy friends in a weekend, the ratio is 5% F - 95% M

•Do you know how long it has been going on?

•If you can get the kids out of the house for the night that would be best as this could be a long discussion.

•You don;t want to let her sleep on it or have time to think up a response. You are on solid ground, keep her off balance.

•First question would be where are the nudes that you caught her taking, she never sent them to you? Dumb move on her part. That was red flag #1

•A cop friend told me he hardly ever asks a question that he doesn't already know the truth about. You have a lot of truth on your side.

•About the (potential) PA, assume she has met in real life, ask her how many times, where and with which men. Don;t ask her "did you" assume she did and make her prove otherwise.

•It is the weekend but in most jurisdictions you can download a application to divorce PDF. Do that and print it out and have it with you along with the printouts of the texts. Let it sit on the table. She will see and probably vomit.

•Just like she will TT the truth, you should TT the facts that you have...like the show Columbo where he would allow the perp to think it was over and he'd say..."Oh, just one more thing"

 

At the end of the day you can look at yourself in the mirror for what you are doing to save the family.

She is looking back at a broken woman who has risked everything for some "spice"

 

Good luck, stay strong. Don;t let her see you break down, you can do that later.

[Buckeye2]

Considering bringing it to a head tonight. I would greatly appreciate some ideas on how I should confronter her.

 

Advice for confronting:

1. Don’t confront until you have reviewed all the material you collected. You only have one initial confrontation. Also check your phone account for calls and data usage.

 

2. Have methods in place to monitor her communications before you confront. For example, if you have a VAR in her car you might overhear conversations with her friends discussing her new problems. She could say how much she loves you or how she plans to take her activities underground and be more careful in the future.

 

3. Do a soft confront. By that I mean don’t give her all your evidence. She will want to know what you know so she can make up the most innocent story that fits. She knows what she did. You showing off how smart you are by spilling your guts only benefits her.

 

Confront at first with things she can explain away and see how much she lies. Example: You’re on the phone all the time and it’s locked. What’s going on? Give part of your evidence. Example: You find two hotel receipts. Tell her you found only one.

 

4. NEVER give up your sources unless you never want to use them again. Think of your methods as your spies that you don’t want to rat out. For example tell her you checked the phone account and found a lot of activity.

 

Do not say you looked at her phone. If you do she will turn it around on you and you will be bad for invading her privacy. Then you will have to spend time defending yourself.

 

Another example: You find out something with a VAR. Don’t tell about the VAR. Let her thinks that friends saw them or that you hired a PI.