nude pics red flag??

[Marc878]

Sorry man but I'm glad you know what you're up against

[GoldenR]

Addicted to porn? Or addicted to validation from others?

 

Was she at least shook up that she got busted?

[zombiehead]

I hid a VAR under the driver's seat of her car. I will be picking up another VAR for the home. I will hide that one under our bed. Probably should purchase a 3rd VAR for the kitchen area too.

 

She is up on the computer looking through our health insurance specifically the mental health coverage.

 

She said she is glad that I know and seems very sincere about wanting to change.

 

I'm having a hard time looking at her without disgust and disdain.

[kgcolonel]

Z....maybe this will help or maybe it won't but i wanted to add it as I may see this differently.

 

Let's go with the idea that she did not meet up or "emotionally" engage with any of the guys on the web.

 

My belief is that this sort of thing, going much longer would have escalated to a physical encounter which personally is a trigger for me..that being said, the good thing here is:

 

1. you discovered this before the escalation

2. it appears that she is coming clean by handing you her phone and taking the steps to get help

3. she wants to recommit to the M and you

4. you have proof that she never intended to leave you or the kids and that she was always complimentary of you during her escapade.

5. I do happen to believe that this could be related to an illness but even if it isn't, maybe going forward you two can develop a level of communication that will enable you and her to evolve your M to a more open (not in a sense of multi partners) frame of mind to provide each other the excitement and loyalty that you both evidently need.

 

Finally, for me, she owes you big time for the betrayal however, I would be glad that it appears to have been caught early and see this as something that I (knowing that affairs are something that are deal breakers for me) don't necessarily see as a deal breaker but also much more than a speed bump in the relationship. She must learn to come to you with her feelings and work through them with you and not anyone else. She's lucky she has you maybe some day you'll feel lucky you have her.

 

please continue to treat her with the respect if only as the mother of your kids and someone who it sounds as though got caught up in a series of bad decisions. I don't want to minimize what she has done however for me, it is vastly different than giving herself emotionally and physically to some other man.

 

One final question however, do either of you know personally any of the OM that she was sexting with? If so, this would change the course of recovery in that now you have to address that relationship as we..

 

Good luck and thank you for continuing to post as we all want to help and we all learn from you in future issues we may come up against.

 

KG

[aliveagain]

Being addicted to porn and meeting men online to have sex on Skype are not necessarily the same thing. The men online are live and interacting with her on video, they are probably climaxing together. She may even be directing their behavior. One is totally one sided, no third party interaction while the other is virtually sex with a real person resulting in an orgasm. What will her pastor and his wife have to say about this newly discovered truth? Counselling doesn't work when your lying. A pastor and his wife won't be able to fix this kind of broken. You need a professional counsellor with sex addiction and infidelity experience. I am glad she chose you and the marriage, now the real work begins.

[AnneP]

Addicted to porn? Or addicted to validation from others?

 

Was she at least shook up that she got busted?

 

 

My thoughts exactly. Addicted to porn would mean she's excessively watching porn. Taking nude photos and videos of herself to share with strangers is a completely different story. She's seeking attention and validation from MANY different men. She's addicted to the compliments, the attention, etc.

[AnneP]

Wow Anne, I'm shocked! Do you really advocate what you are suggesting here? Most unlady like I would think. Guess you just got carried away. Best wishes.

 

I was joking about what ZH should say to his wife.

[BuddyX]

One Day at a time, good mantra. Hang in there.

 

The question you need to Ask yourself is; would she want to save the marriage if you hadn't displayed the evidence? As in, is she sorry, or sorry she got caught?

 

Addicts rarely go cold turkey right off the bat. Be prepared for a relapse. Also be prepared for the zombie look. Her fix is gone, she'll be walking around like a zombie.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Zombie, I guess you've handled this very well. It shows that you are a strong person and I am sure your wife sees that and respects it.

 

I believe everyone deserves a second chance if things have not crossed unacceptable limits. Apparently you feel the same as per your statement that you are going to take it one day at a time. Your wife's future actions and behaviour are key and if she actually launches herself on a path of self rectification by attending IC and working on herself to find out why she permitted herself to indulge in behaviour of this sort and then correct those anomalies, then maybe the two of you can recover your relationship. However, a lot depends on whether she does the heavy lifting. Warm wishes.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Well I'll offer something different. This can be a porn thing if you ask me, it's just a different form of porn and one that obviously crosses more boundaries to most people then just watching a video. But I can see how this escalation can progress pretty naturally.

 

You visit most porn site and they have a cam section. Where people do live shows and get basically directed to do certain things. Now these are pay for, that's why I've never gotten in to that stuff because I think it's silly to pay to get your rocks off when you have access to hoards of porn for free. But if she frequented porn sites, chances are she was curious one day and went to the cam section. The excitement I would assume is different looking at a live person on camera then watching a video. Well she can't just spend money because as you say you do the work and bring home the money. Setting up video chat apps to sext would be pretty easy to do. Most porn sites also have members and you can comment on videos. She could simply find someone on a site and give Skype address to basically have a cam show for free. I work in wireless and some folks are just straight up open about things and I've come across many strippers who do cam shows on the side and say they make bank doing it. They wanted phones with good camera capabilities. Like I said, some people just tell you everything at my job.

 

I was almost certain that this would be the case based on her saying she has no intention of stepping out basically and that you provide her with great sex and all that she wrote. I think I asked twice if this was only a cyber thing, how would that change things, would you be able to get past it or is it too much? To me, it's not much different really then going to a strip club, other then you are masturbating. But even then, strip club crosses other boundaries, as most places the stripper will allow you to grab her ass or touch her breasts or whatever. On cam, you can't do much other then diect each other and masturbate together. There is no emotion there. It's only about getting off. Sounds like there were guys wanting to meet up, but she shot it down. This was about her getting off. It was more sexualy exciting for her. I'm not even sure it was about validation really, it's just a certain way that some folks get the most excitement while masturbating. It could be about validation, maybe guys pinning for her turned her on even more. Cam shows are big business, obviously there are many who find this to be a better means of getting off then your typical video.

 

So to me when she says this is a porn addiction thing, I can believe it. She progressed past traditional porn to more new age type of porn. Like any addict, she spiraled out of control with her addiction. And like most addictions, they often affect those around them not just the addict themselves. She certainly has a problem. I doubt anything emotional was going on. I doubt any of those men meant anything to her. She even talked you up, no doubt some of those guys were hoping your wife was a sexualy frustrated sahm and hoped they could satisfy her needs physically. She said, nah, my husband satisfies me plenty in that regard and doesn't want to mess things up with you. Her addiction got the better of her.

 

I'm not justifying anything, obviously you are hurt by all of this. Just saying as far as a porn addiction, to me it is certainly believable. I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Where do you go from here?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm going to take it one day at a time and see if I can get past this or not.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

All of these things apply to you.

 

Your wife should write a timeline of who, what, how, where and when.

 

I doubt you're finished with the discovery phase, continue to be strong and stay focused...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

Well I'll offer something different. This can be a porn thing if you ask me, it's just a different form of porn and one that obviously crosses more boundaries to most people then just watching a video. But I can see how this escalation can progress pretty naturally.

 

You visit most porn site and they have a cam section. Where people do live shows and get basically directed to do certain things. Now these are pay for, that's why I've never gotten in to that stuff because I think it's silly to pay to get your rocks off when you have access to hoards of porn for free. But if she frequented porn sites, chances are she was curious one day and went to the cam section. The excitement I would assume is different looking at a live person on camera then watching a video. Well she can't just spend money because as you say you do the work and bring home the money. Setting up video chat apps to sext would be pretty easy to do. Most porn sites also have members and you can comment on videos. She could simply find someone on a site and give Skype address to basically have a cam show for free. I work in wireless and some folks are just straight up open about things and I've come across many strippers who do cam shows on the side and say they make bank doing it. They wanted phones with good camera capabilities. Like I said, some people just tell you everything at my job.

 

I was almost certain that this would be the case based on her saying she has no intention of stepping out basically and that you provide her with great sex and all that she wrote. I think I asked twice if this was only a cyber thing, how would that change things, would you be able to get past it or is it too much? To me, it's not much different really then going to a strip club, other then you are masturbating. But even then, strip club crosses other boundaries, as most places the stripper will allow you to grab her ass or touch her breasts or whatever. On cam, you can't do much other then diect each other and masturbate together. There is no emotion there. It's only about getting off. Sounds like there were guys wanting to meet up, but she shot it down. This was about her getting off. It was more sexualy exciting for her. I'm not even sure it was about validation really, it's just a certain way that some folks get the most excitement while masturbating. It could be about validation, maybe guys pinning for her turned her on even more. Cam shows are big business, obviously there are many who find this to be a better means of getting off then your typical video.

 

So to me when she says this is a porn addiction thing, I can believe it. She progressed past traditional porn to more new age type of porn. Like any addict, she spiraled out of control with her addiction. And like most addictions, they often affect those around them not just the addict themselves. She certainly has a problem. I doubt anything emotional was going on. I doubt any of those men meant anything to her. She even talked you up, no doubt some of those guys were hoping your wife was a sexualy frustrated sahm and hoped they could satisfy her needs physically. She said, nah, my husband satisfies me plenty in that regard and doesn't want to mess things up with you. Her addiction got the better of her.

 

I'm not justifying anything, obviously you are hurt by all of this. Just saying as far as a porn addiction, to me it is certainly believable. I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Where do you go from here?

 

I think that this is a great post, but i am wondering, how does OP know that she has not met up with anyone?

 

I have tried to get through the thread, but it is super long.

 

How do you know that she has not deleted everything that was really damning about what she has done? How do you know what was actually on her email that she was using that she did not delete some of that.

 

OP confronted when he had a certain amount of proof and flags but we all know that cheaters lie and only confess what you already know for the most part.

 

Just wondering?

[zombiehead]

She has been doing this since July 2015. One guy on skype who lives in Scotland requested viewing her having sex with me!! She replied check your email. Yes she secretly filmed us having sex and sent it to him. She showed me the video. I can't believe I didn't see her phone on the headboard attached the the selfie stick. Our bedroom was dark she had candles going was ready for fun. She gave me that selfie stick as a prank christmas gift. Now I know it wasn't a prank gift it was really for her. She knows I don't do selfies and social media so that was her joke gift for me. We always do a joke gift, it's a tradition for us.

Edited February 12, 2017 by zombiehead

[springy]

She has been doing this since July 2015. One guy on skype who lives in Scotland requested viewing her having sex with me!! She replied check your email. Yes she secretly filmed us having sex and sent it to him. She showed me the video. I can't believe I didn't see her phone on the headboard attached the the selfie stick. Our bedroom was dark she had candles going was ready for fun. She gave me that selfie stick as a prank christmas gift. Now I know it wasn't a prank gift it was really for her. She knows I don't do selfies and social media so that was her joke gift for me. We always do a joke gift, it's a tradition for us.

 

So...how do you feel about her secretly video taping your love making and sharing it without your knowledge? sorry this is happening.

[zombiehead]

Right now I don't know, I'm very mentally drained. Going through shock and disbelief that this is my reality. It will take some time to process and get a handle on how I feel.

[zombiehead]

None of the contacts she had are local, they are from all around the US and overseas.

[elaine567]

. She showed me the video.

So you confronted her?

[Marc878]

Jeeze, you know that stuff could end up on a porn site if it hasn't already.

[HereNorThere]

I'd have her ass in jail right now. I can't believe you are in even in the same house with her yet alone considering not divorcing her.

 

Lock her up! That's illegal, immoral, violating, everything. Much worse than the typical affair, no doubt. Call some attorneys and or the police afterwards. Man, she's a sick, sick person.

[MickeyBill]

Maybe it's "only" an online cyber affair, adventure, addiction. It may be be a lot worse, and it may unravel to something more. In person meeting? Hopefully not but since she videoed you and her having sex for the OM there are still many things to be revealed.

Giving you the video means she probably kept all the content she produced. I guess she never thought about being caught?

 

Your quick reaction this means she did not have a chance to delete, although she may have deleted things since 2015. If you think her photos may have been distributed by the OMs there are ways to search on line for specific images - Google reverese image search

 

What was her reaction when you confronted? Did she freak out or was she calm?

You both will need serious IC before MC begins.

[AnneP]

I'd have her ass in jail right now. I can't believe you are in even in the same house with her yet alone considering not divorcing her.

 

Lock her up! That's illegal, immoral, violating, everything. Much worse than the typical affair, no doubt. Call some attorneys and or the police afterwards. Man, she's a sick, sick person.

 

100% agree. She violated him in so many ways. This is something that will forever be on the web.

[HereNorThere]

Stop it with all this "addicted to porn" "cyber affair" crap. Legally, what she did to use was close to rape. In my state, what she did is punishable by prison time and lifelong registration to the sex offender registry. I did a quick google and it actually doesn't matter what state you're in because she committed a federal crime. She crossed state lines (through the use of the Internet) to victimize you.

 

Call the cops, now! Your divorce and child custody hearings will go pretty smoothly when she's in prison for 10 years.

 

And if this is what she admits to, just imagine the truth. I'd tell you to polygraph her but I'm sure the FBI will. Oh god, let's hope she didn't victimize the kids too. It's really common for those online creeps to convince women to take pictures of the kids as well. She's sick, man. I wouldn't put anything past her. Call the freakin cops!!

 

Here's a list of state voyeurism laws but this is probably a federal issue depending on who wants to prosecute. http://victimsofcrime.org/docs/Policy/Vid%20Voy%20Aug%202009.pdf?sfvrsn=0

[BuddyX]

Ouch, that's tough brother.

 

This is not a one night stand. This is a well thought of plan. She actually sat down and thought about the entire process. Shoot man, I don't give hugs to strangers but you need one.

 

Just think, all the time and effort she spent on the this garbage she could've spent on the marriage.

 

Again, does she want to work on the marriage? Or is she sorry because she got caught?

[zombiehead]

I've had only a few hours sleep over the last couple of days. My energy mental level is near zero. The twins want to ride bikes to the park so that is what I'm going to do. She can stay home and have all the porn chat she wants. Actually she tries to call it "flirting". No flirting is not telling a guy you want him inside you and send porn selfies. I dont know what you call it, but it is not flirting.

[HereNorThere]

Here in the great state of Colorado, we call it -

 

INVASION OF PRIVACY FOR SEXUAL GRATIFICATION DEFINITION

Invasion of Privacy for Sexual Gratification, C.R.S. 18-3-405.6

 

(1) A person who knowingly observes or takes a photograph of another person's intimate parts without that person's consent, in a situation where the person observed or photographed has a reasonable expectation of privacy, for the purpose of the observer's own sexual gratification, commits unlawful invasion of privacy for sexual gratification.

 

(2) (a) Except as otherwise provided in paragraph (b) of this subsection (2), invasion of privacy for sexual gratification is a class 1 misdemeanor and is an extraordinary risk crime subject to the modified sentencing range specified in section 18-1.3-501 (3).

 

(b) Invasion of privacy for sexual gratification is a class 6 felony and is an extraordinary risk crime subject to the modified sentencing range specified in section 18-1.3-401 (10) if either of the following circumstances exist:

 

(I) The offense is committed subsequent to a prior conviction, as defined in section 16-22-102 (3), C.R.S., for unlawful sexual behavior as defined in section 16-22-102 (9), C.R.S.; or

 

(II) The person observes or takes a photograph of the intimate parts of a person under fifteen years of age. This subparagraph (II) shall not apply if the defendant is less than four years older than the person observed or photographed.

 

(3) For purposes of this section, "photograph" includes a photograph, motion picture, videotape, live feed, print, negative, slide, or other mechanically, electronically, or chemically produced or reproduced visual material.