Handysmurf Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Hi everyone ! I am new on here,it's good to have some people in the same situation. I have been reading your stories with interest..thank you . I am having a rough day and thought it might help to wtite some of my thoughts down..it's quite random and hardly eloquent . she is very beautiful she has a good heart she is an excellent mom she is articulate she is disciplined she is focused she works hard both at home and at work she wants romance and love she is a kind person she is bossy and makes me feel like i am a child. she has made me feel humiliated in front of friends and family she seems to always be cranky whenever I am having fun. she is clingy and needy she doesn't support my interests or outside relationships I don't like it when she is hard on my daughter she has a way of making you feel like nothing you do is good enough or that your opinion doesn't count she will often make a situation about how she is feeling she takes forever to get ready...i spend so much time waiting she makes decisions based on fear I don't feel like i am my own person I have lost that feeling of love ,i used to he happy and i am often not happy now.I think i am better off leaving her. I want her to be happy too,i dont think i can make her happy i dont want to hurt her,i hate conflict but i feel that's the way its going. i feel emotionally detached I don't know how it ended up like this I am bored and I want my life to change,we both deserve better Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 How long have you been married? Truthfully, this kind of stuff comes and goes. Sometimes, it lasts a long time. If marriage is important to you, you'll hang in there, find your way through the doldrums. If it isn't, you can admit your mistake, and pursue a life of serial monogamy, where the rule of thumb is, When the going gets tough, you get another one! But make no mistake. Every woman on the planet will disappoint you if you hang out with her long enough. And you'll return the favor sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 Read up "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download Finding some inner strength over your life may make you both happier Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 she has a good heart she is a kind person Handysmurf, someone who's kind and has a good heart doesn't make their spouse feel this way: she is bossy and makes me feel like i am a child. she has made me feel humiliated in front of friends and family she seems to always be cranky whenever I am having fun. she doesn't support my interests or outside relationships she has a way of making you feel like nothing you do is good enough or that your opinion doesn't count she will often make a situation about how she is feeling You'd be better served to be realistic about the problems you face and the issues you see in the marriage... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 am bored and I want my life to change,we both deserve better Why don't you get together with her and do exiting stuff ? Why don't step up and instead of moaning, take initiative? You might be having GIGS but be assured, it isn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
testmeasure Posted February 11, 2017 Share Posted February 11, 2017 she is bossy and makes me feel like i am a child. she has made me feel humiliated in front of friends and family she seems to always be cranky whenever I am having fun. she is clingy and needy she doesn't support my interests or outside relationships I don't like it when she is hard on my daughter she has a way of making you feel like nothing you do is good enough or that your opinion doesn't count she will often make a situation about how she is feeling she takes forever to get ready...i spend so much time waiting she makes decisions based on fear This stuff is not normal or healthy. It makes me think there must be a lot of situations or specific things that have happened that would not be considered normal or healthy. I was in a situation that made me feel some of these things. These things were applied slowly, over time. So it was like a frog being boiled alive because it doesn't notice the gradual temperature increase over time. In my case everything I did "not being good enough" finally got so absurd that it was plainly self evident that no matter what I did, she would find fault in it. At that point I knew I was cooked even though I was the one trying to save the relationship. And, yes, I intentionally left in taking forever to get ready. That sounds like a "normal" thing, but I remember the drama, emotional complexity, or better yet emotional dysfunction had a paralyzing effect. Everything felt like it was stuck in molasses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Handysmurf Posted February 12, 2017 Author Share Posted February 12, 2017 Thanks for the replies @ mightyCpa.we have been married for 23 yeears and together for 29,we were highschool sweethearts. I started to feel this way for the last 4 years.Though there was always some issue which I chose to brush off. I realize too ,that I played my part in all this there are many times I dropped the ball.Including infidelity...I am currently involved with another woman who is quite submissive.The wife doesn't know about it .The wife is not all bad ,i honestly don't think she knows she does it.She may be Bpd and there are some narcissistic traits but I am no expert.I know she has some Dad/abandonment issues,he left when she was 6 and started a new family and her Mom is a bit dysfunctional. Testmeasure that is exactly how it went down..you make small compromises which seem insignificant at the time.Sometimes I think I am just imagining Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Including infidelity...I am currently involved with another woman who is quite submissive.The wife doesn't know about it . Interesting how you casually dropped this in here since it affects everything. Since you're bored enough to look elsewhere, why continue with marriage sham, especially since it seems unpleasant and unsatisfying for both of you? Mr. Lucky 7 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 Of course you have to justify your affair somehow and the best way is to highlight your wife's flaws. Dude, YOUR biggest flaw is that YOU are a cheater. In comparison, your wife is a sweetheart. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Handysmurf Posted February 12, 2017 Author Share Posted February 12, 2017 @ Mr Lucky I am not convinced it,s a total sham.We had 20+ years where it was good,I have been with her since I was 16. It has been the last 4 years it has felt this way,sure it is badly damaged but as mightycpa pointed out maybe it is just the doldrums.I have read about marriages coming back from the brink and I am not ready to make a hasty decision. Mikeylo I am not justifying anything,we both have our flaws,and I realize that mine is a big one.I have made mistakes and I have learnt a lot about myself and I am still learning but I do know that is not the way forward ...it's not who I want to be....it was a band aid. We had a good day today Link to post Share on other sites
Author Handysmurf Posted February 12, 2017 Author Share Posted February 12, 2017 just started on "no more Mr nice guy"....yep that's me Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted February 12, 2017 Share Posted February 12, 2017 We have been married for 23 years and together for 29,we were high school sweethearts. I started to feel this way for the last 4 years.... The wife is not all bad... she may be Bpd and there are some narcissistic traits.Handy, if your W really did have full-blown BPD -- arising from early childhood problems as you suggest -- you would not have had to wait 25 years to see strong BPD traits. They would have started appearing strongly about 28.5 years ago -- i.e., about six months into your R/S, at which time her infatuation would have started evaporating. That said, your W definitely exhibits BPD traits. All healthy adults do. Moreover, we all occasionally exhibit strong flareups of our BPD traits, which normally are at a low level. The most common cause of flareups is a hormone surge, which is why a large share of the population exhibits full-blown BPD behaviors during the early teens when going through puberty. And this is why it is common for women to exhibit a BPD-trait flareup during pregnancy, postpartum, PMS, and -- the subject of this post -- perimenopause. Although the typical onset age for perimenopause is mid-forties, it is common for these hormone changes to begin in the late 30s. Typically, perimenopause lasts 4 years but the duration varies greatly from woman to woman and sometimes lasts far longer than that. I mention this because your W is now about 45 years old (i.e., 16 + 29 = 45). This means she was about 41 years old when her behavioral problems started 4 years ago. Hence, if you really have been seeing strong BPD traits over the past 4 years, it would be prudent for your W to visit her gynecologist to get a blood test for perimenopause. As to you, Handy, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Testmeasure and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Handy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Handysmurf Posted February 12, 2017 Author Share Posted February 12, 2017 Thank you so much Downtown,I recognize a handful of those traits,and yes she is 45. Link to post Share on other sites
LilyMila Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I was going to ask you questions like have you done anything to meet her needs? She is bossy, perhaps she can be less bossy if you help more with plans and chores. She is needy, but perhaps she can meet you in the middle if you become more affectionate. Then you just casually drop the ball and said you are cheating on her. That is the biggest problem of all. You are cheating and is giving that precious attention and affection to a woman who is not your wife. She might not know about it, but she definitely sense something might not be right. Years of cold feelings and disinterest from you have build up resentment and turn your relationship into a vicious cycle. This is why she seems needy and is unhappy when you are having fun. Why wait for 4 years for your relationship to fester? Why not do something about it when things start to go south? Since you are highschool sweethearts, do you often contemplating on what your life could have been like if you both had more experience and partners? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 (edited) Thanks for the replies @ mightyCpa.we have been married for 23 yeears and together for 29,we were highschool sweethearts. I started to feel this way for the last 4 years.Though there was always some issue which I chose to brush off. I realize too ,that I played my part in all this there are many times I dropped the ball.Including infidelity...I am currently involved with another woman who is quite submissive.The wife doesn't know about it .The wife is not all bad ,i honestly don't think she knows she does it.She may be Bpd and there are some narcissistic traits but I am no expert.I know she has some Dad/abandonment issues,he left when she was 6 and started a new family and her Mom is a bit dysfunctional. Testmeasure that is exactly how it went down..you make small compromises which seem insignificant at the time.Sometimes I think I am just imagining Ahhhh, rewriting the marital history due to being infatuated with another woman = you are cheating and now aren't seeing reality clearly. YOU are affecting YOUR marriage negatively by cheating and being tempted by the fantasy life with another woman. YOU willing to end the affair? Or are you willing to give up your marriage? Pick one. ONE! Being greedy and living in fantasy land will NOT result in your marriage becoming happy. Your mindset is predictable - when I read your first post my only question was going to be "are you cheating?"... grow up and stop being the toxic element to your marriage. IF there are REAL issues then be a man and address those issues instead of avoiding conflict and being passive aggressive by having an affair behind her back! The issues are with YOU! Being conflict avoidant and passive aggressive is not the qualities I would ever settle for in my spouse! Edited February 14, 2017 by S2B 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Handysmurf Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 IThe affair itself has been ongoing for the past 6 months..not the 4 years just to clarify. And no I am not infatuated with this women ,should i choose to end the marriage I would like to be single for a while. I don't regret the affair either,I mean I see it was not the right way to solve the problems but it has led me to solve them now. I have started discussions with the wife and have also started to work on myself Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 I have started discussions with the wife and have also started to work on myself What kind of discussions? Since I'd assume they're about her faults, do you also discuss your infidelity? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Handysmurf Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 People seem to be making alot of assumptions Yes I stood there and wagged my finger at her knowing full well I had cheated one her...is that the answer you hoped for? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Handysmurf Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 Its really hard to paint the whole picture in just a few paragraphs. What you see in my first post is just a snapshot on a bad day. Yes I had an affair, i am not the first and won't be the last.Save your judgments alot of our problems were present way before the affair. You dont start an affair because you're a happy camper and I am not playing the blame game either. I don't care who's fault it is, mistakes were made...... i just want a solution. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Yeah its cathartic to write stuff out. I wish I had started journaling a long time ago. I wonder how many of my problems could have been dealt with much earlier. Not sure what you are looking for here. It feels like you're second guessing divorce. Is that where you are? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Its really hard to paint the whole picture in just a few paragraphs. What you see in my first post is just a snapshot on a bad day. I'd guess the laundry list of her faults is how you see her. What I'm suggesting is it's common to criminalize one's spouses when cheating because it supports the decision to stray. If you make her the bad guy - which you did pretty effectively - it feels like you had few other choices. Understanding that dynamic should be part of your solution... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Handysmurf Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 @ Ntv yes i am second guessing divorce. @ Mr Lucky excellent point but I don't think that's where I am coming from but more than happy to be corrected. I know we like to tell ourselves little lies sometimes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Handysmurf Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 so i had a really good conversation with a family member who knows mywife really well ...it was so good to get an outsiders perspective. I have been really trying to nail down exactly what it is that is such a problem....here is at least some of it Part of the problem is my wife has made me her everything,she has very little interests outside of the marriage and a result she has smothered me.I can remember instances ( prior to living together) where i would be on my way to a friend's house and seemingly out of nowhere she would be in her car behind me tooting and flashing her lights ( a bit stalkerish,she must have been waiting for me to drive past).Because it was easier I would then just ditch my friends and have to spend time with her lest we have some emotional outburst .Dont get me wrong I liked spending time with her but the balance was off..she wanted all of my time . These actions did lead to a good friendship ending,she did not like this particular friend . It took a few years but somehow she convinced me this was a bad friendship and I stupidly listened and ended the friendship ......years later on this same pattern was repeated with a close family member. It seems so subtle and gradual you dont notice it happening. I am just starting to mend that fence now. If you haven't already guessed .. she is controlling...I dont know why it took me so long to figure this out. For example,many years ago i booked a vacation with a few of the guys,she went ballistic and gave me an ultimatum,basically dont go on the holiday or we're through.I actually went on the vacation and we broke up.I had no intention of going back either but she called me and we patched things up but i have never had a guys only vacation since. This controlling behavior continues just the other day i was asked a question, before i could answer it she was all over it answering the question before i could draw a breath....this sort of thing happens regularly . I have really failed to set the boundaries and i avoid anything I think will be a trigger I am not trying to demonize her here ,these are just some of the worst instances, she has many good qualities and we also had some very good times. I know most of these behaviors stem from her own fears and insecurities . I realize my own shortcomings too in all of this , by avoiding conflict, not setting boundaries and having an affair. We have spoken about some of these things ( i left out the affair....what is the general consensus on disclosure?) An even bigger problem is I don't know if i love her anymore or want to fight to save the marriage . I am just hanging in there by a thread while i work out what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 IThe affair itself has been ongoing for the past 6 months..not the 4 years just to clarify. And no I am not infatuated with this women ,should i choose to end the marriage I would like to be single for a while. I don't regret the affair either,I mean I see it was not the right way to solve the problems but it has led me to solve them now. I have started discussions with the wife and have also started to work on myself Hopefully your discussions outline the terms of divorce. She may be controlling - but you could have divorced her instead of choosing to cheat on her. How did you cheat when you say she's always with you? Just divorce her. She deserves a husband who won't cheat and disrespect her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I guess she felt/feels she cannot trust you an inch and she's right to think that way, isn't she? How many times have you dropped that particular ball? You have now checked out of this marriage and you are desperately looking around for justification for your affair and the fact you want to leave her, by trying to demonise her. You are even now going to other family members to have them back up your story. I guess they may not be so supportive if you told them you were seeing another women behind her back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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